If your life feels unmanageable because of others’ actions, that’s a sign of poor boundaries.
James owned forty acres of land in Texas. He noticed strangers often came onto his property to fish and hunt. In response, he set up fences and spray painted the tops of the posts purple—a symbol in Texas for “No Trespassing.” His wife complained about this, thinking the purple paint was tacky. He explained that they couldn’t expect people to respect their boundaries if people didn’t know what they were.
The same is true for personal boundaries. If we find people crossing them, we may need to consider if we’ve communicated them clearly. It’s our job to explain so others will know what’s okay and what’s not.
Here are some things therapist Sabreen Polavin (LMSW, CCTP) says to keep in mind:
- Boundaries are made FOR you, not AGAINST others. There’s no need to justify or apologize for boundaries you feel you need.
- In most cases, boundaries should be vocalized, particularly in a relationship. One cannot respect (or not respect) boundaries if they were never told what they were.
- Boundaries can change. The change should be at the judgment of the one who sets the boundaries. It’s okay to adjust boundaries per situation and with time.
Applying boundaries with those closest to us can be one of the most difficult things we do.
Creating Boundaries in Different Areas
We have to know our own boundaries before we can expect others to respect them. While it can be difficult, it's helpful to write them out. Consider categorizing and addressing each one individually.
Some categories may be:
- Emotional: These often go unaddressed until after a boundary has been crossed. That’s okay. Figure out your boundaries, then go to the person and address the issue. Ask to talk to them privately and share that they crossed a boundary. Describe the boundary, and explain clearly and calmly what will happen in the future if it happens again. For example, if your spouse calls you an insulting name, explain that if it happens again, you will leave the conversation and not engage.
- Physical: If you’re not comfortable hugging people you don’t know well, just say that. There’s no need to explain yourself or apologize. A simple wave of the hand and saying, “I’m not a hugger, but it’s so nice to meet you,” will suffice.
- Material: This has to do with your property. If someone wants to borrow your car or stay in your house, write out what’s expected. For example, you could send an email or text that says, I’m happy to let you borrow my car. Please return it clean and with a full tank of gas.
- Sexual: The best time to address sexual boundaries is before they become an issue. If you feel a relationship is getting serious, you might say something like, “I look forward to seeing where this leads. I’d like to discuss some of my boundaries now, just so you’ll know.”
- Time: If you feel someone isn’t respecting your time, let them know how long you’ll wait for them before moving on.
- Workplace: One of the best ways to set clear workplace boundaries is to conduct yourself in the way you’d like others to treat you. Most people will mirror your attitude. If someone crosses a boundary—for example, you feel they talked down to you in a meeting—address it privately. Assume the person didn’t intend the infraction the first time. If it continues after making your boundaries clear, consider addressing it with a supervisor or HR.
Setting boundaries can be hard. Many of us were brought up to be people pleasers, and we don’t want to offend others. But without boundaries, we end up depleted and burned out with nothing to give to others.
Those who can't respect your boundaries are often those who gain the most from you not having them. Clear boundaries help you and those around you by making you feel safe and in control and letting others know how to act in a way that creates healthy, positive relationships.
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