“When a child loses a parent, they are called an orphan. When a spouse loses a partner, they are called a widow(er). When a parent loses a child, there isn’t a word to describe them.” ~Ronald Reagan
Julie and Tom endured months of infertility treatment to finally celebrate the pregnancy of their second child. At 13 weeks, a routine checkup revealed there was no heartbeat. The baby hadn’t grown for nearly 2 weeks. Julie carried her deceased baby another week before the doctor performed a procedure to remove it. Friends and family expressed condolences with phrases like, “You can try again,” and “At least it happened early in the pregnancy,” and “Be thankful you have one healthy child.” Julie felt ashamed of her grief because everyone tried to convince her it wasn’t a big deal. But it was.
When families lose a person who has already been born, friends, neighbors, and communities gather around to show support. They attend a funeral or celebration of life. They bring meals, send cards, and offer grief counseling. But when someone loses a pregnancy in the form of miscarriage or stillbirth, the grief—which is just as great—is often endured in silence. Part of the reason for this is a lack of understanding for the magnitude of such a loss.
They begin to make plans, pick out names, and purchase baby items. Their identity changes as they dream of a new future that includes another person. They may be in shock. The pregnancy may be a surprise. But in most cases, parents begin the bonding process the moment they learn of the pregnancy. When that pregnancy is lost, there is deep mourning over what might have been and what will never be. A door was opened, and the parents were allowed a peek inside, only to have the door traumatically slammed shut.
Yet many people don’t know how to grieve such a loss or how to support others in their grief journey. If you or someone you know has experienced miscarriage or stillbirth, it’s important to acknowledge and dignify the loss with compassion and respect.
If you’re dealing with a pregnancy loss, here are some things that may help:
- Talk about your loss. Find a trusted friend and share your feelings. Reach out to someone who has been through something similar. Join a support group. See a therapist.
- Write your story. Talk about how you felt when you first learned of the pregnancy. Note your hopes and dreams for the child you lost. Write about how you feel now. Writing allows you to process your experience in a physical way, as your hand moves along the page or your fingers move on the keyboard.
- Have a funeral, memorial, or other ceremony. This helps to dignify the life that was lost. Make it as private or public as feels right for you.
- Release butterflies. Do this in your child’s honor.
- Donate. Give to the March of Dimes or another organization in your child’s honor.
- Take time. Grief is appropriate, and we all grieve differently. Give yourself the time and space to deal with your loss however you need, whether it’s taking time off work, going on a trip, or just staying in bed and not answering the phone for a while.
- Don’t compare your loss to others. Many suffer in silence because they know someone who lost a child at 20 weeks, and they were only 8 weeks along.
If someone you know has experienced this type of loss, here are some do’s and don’ts to keep in mind as you show support:
- Don’t use statements to try and justify the loss, such as, “Everything happens for a reason,” or “This just wasn’t meant to be,” or “They were too beautiful for this earth.” Instead, say something like, “I’m so, so sorry. I can imagine this is very hard and sad for you.”
- Avoid “at least” statements, such as “At least you can get pregnant. You’ll have another one,” or “At least you got to hold him.” Instead, ask how they are doing.
- Don’t say, “Be grateful for the healthy child you already have.” Instead, say “I’m very sorry for your loss.”
- Consider providing a meal, sending a card or flowers, or donating to a cause that holds meaning for the parents.
- Sit with the person and listen, or sit with them in silence as they grieve.
Pregnancy loss–whether through miscarriage or a stillborn birth–brings deep feelings of grief and sadness. It’s important to make space for that grief and for the memories of the child that was lost.
©2023 Amplified Life Network
