Domestic Abuse

Breaking Free of the Abuse Cycle: Recognizing the Hidden Chains

by Christopher Van Stee February 24, 2025

Marcus stared at his reflection, struggling to recognize himself. "You're lucky I love you enough to tell you the truth," echoed his wife Elena's words. According to a systematic review published in BMJ Open, male victims of domestic abuse face unique challenges in seeking help, often struggling with societal stigma and disbelief.

The cycle began subtly. During the tension-building phase, Elena would question his every decision. "Are you sure that's what your boss said? You always misunderstand things." Small doubts planted like seeds grew into forests of uncertainty. His once-confident business decisions became paralyzing exercises in self-doubt.

Research published in the Albany Law Review identifies gaslighting as a distinct tactic of psychological abuse, characterized by systematic attempts to erode a victim's confidence in their own perceptions. When the incident phase struck, it rarely left physical marks. Instead, Elena wielded gaslighting like a master sculptor, reshaping Marcus's reality. During dinner with friends, she'd share embarrassing stories about his "forgetfulness," then later deny his discomfort: "Everyone was laughing with you, not at you. Why do you always twist things?" She'd move his keys, change plans they'd made, delete text conversations, then convince him he was losing his grip on reality.

The reconciliation phase brought elaborate shows of support. "I only push you because I see your potential," she'd say, temporarily becoming his biggest cheerleader. "No one understands you like I do." Studies in criminological research have identified this pattern as part of the manipulation cycle, where periods of apparent warmth serve to reinforce the abuser's control.

During the calm phase, life would seem normal, even good. Yet beneath the surface, Elena's subtle manipulations continued. She'd praise him for "finally" making "better" decisions – ones that always aligned with her wishes. His world gradually shrank as she identified his friends as "toxic influences" who "didn't want him to succeed."

A longitudinal study published in BMC Medicine confirms that abuse victims often face cycles of revictimization, making recognition and intervention crucial. The cycle typically follows four distinct phases:

The Cycle Revealed:

Tension Building: Walking on eggshells, anticipating criticism
Incident: Emotional attacks, manipulation of reality
Reconciliation: Love-bombing, temporary peace
Calm: False security while control deepens

Research in Partner Abuse identifies key gaslighting tactics:

Denying remembered events
Shifting blame ("If you hadn't made me worry...")
Using others to reinforce distorted reality
Weaponizing self-doubt

Marcus began keeping a private online journal, password-protected from Elena's "helpful" monitoring of his devices. Each documented incident became a brick in rebuilding his sense of reality. When Elena claimed, "I never said that about your promotion," he had dated entries proving otherwise.

Understanding emerged slowly: abuse isn't always physical, and gaslighting isn't just about lying – it's about dismantling someone's trust in themselves. Studies show that interventions for domestic violence victims can be effective, particularly when victims receive support in recognizing and naming their experiences.

If you recognize these patterns – constant self-doubt, feeling crazy or oversensitive, struggling to trust your memory – you're not alone. Schedule for a Free consult or contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or text "START" to 88788. Whether the abuse is physical or psychological, your experiences are valid, and your reality matters. Breaking free starts with trusting yourself again.

Leaving an Abusive Relationship

by Ani Kazarian April 05, 2020

Leaving an Abusive Relationship

Domestic abuse is defined as a pattern of behaviors used by one partner to maintain power and control over another partner in an intimate relationship. Every abusive relationship is different, but there is one commonality: the abusive partner does many things to establish and maintain power and control over their partner.

Domestic abuse can include physical and sexual violence, threats and intimidation, emotional abuse, and economic deprivation. A relationship does not need to be violent to be abusive, but the danger of being seriously injured or killed greatly increases within relationships that include physical and sexual violence.

People who are in an abusive relationship may feel confused, afraid, angry, or trapped. All of these emotions are normal responses to abuse. If you are in an abusive relationship, you may also blame yourself for what is happening, but the truth is that you are never responsible for your partner’s abusive behaviors.

Despite promises and pleas from the abusive partner, change rarely occurs. Rather, the intensity and frequency of the abuse often increases and escalates over time.

How to Get out of an Abusive Relationship

Abusive partners often do and say things to shift the blame onto the victim or even deny that the abuse ever took place. There are many other reasons people stay in abusive relationships and leaving can often be very complicated.

Leaving can also be the most dangerous time for a victim of abuse. Because abuse is about power and control, leaving the relationship is the victim taking control and the abusive partner’s power is threatened. This could cause the abusive partner to retaliate in destructive ways.

If you are in an abusive relationship, there is help available to you. There are local, state, and national organizations dedicated to helping you leave, be in a safe space, and gain control of your life and wellbeing. These organizations can help you create a safety plan.

A safety plan will map out preparing to leave, when you leave, and after you leave. It will plan ways to cope with emotions, tell friends and family about the abuse, take legal action, and more. Having a safety plan laid out in advance can help you protect yourself in stressful moments.

Preparing to Leave

As mentioned above, leaving an abusive relationship can escalate the abuse. It is important to take certain actions as you are preparing to leave:

Keep evidence of physical abuse (pictures of injuries)
In a safe place, keep a journal of all violent incidences (noting dates), and of events and threats made, if possible
Know where you can get help. Tell someone what is happening to you
If you are injured, seek medical help and ask that your visit is documented
Plan with your children and identify a safe place for them
Contact your local shelter and find out about laws and other resources available to you before you have to use them during a crisis
Try to set money aside or ask family or friends to hold money for you

Leaving an Abusive Relationship

As you create your safety plan, you can make a plan for how and where you will escape quickly. You may ask for a police escort or stand-by when you leave. If you have to leave in a hurry, try to take as many of the following items as possible:

Driver’s license/identification/passports
Birth certificate and children’s birth certificates
Social security cards
Checking/savings account books, money, financial information
Legal protective order (if you have one in place)
Copies of lease/rental agreements or deed to your home
Car registration and insurance papers
Health and life insurance papers
Medical records for you and your children
Medications
Valuable jewelry
Pictures/sentimental items

After you Leave

There are precautions to take after you leave to keep you and your family safe. Below are some examples, though you may want to collaborate with domestic abuse organizations that can help you create a detailed safety plan specific to your situation.

Call law enforcement to enforce the protective order and give copies of the restraining order to employers, neighbors, and school officials along with a picture of the offender
Get caller ID and screen your calls, maintain a different daily routine, go to work different hours and take a different route
Change the route in taking your children to and from school, or consider changing their schools
Use different stores and reschedule appointments the offender may be aware of
Install security systems if possible, and replace wooden doors with steel or metal doors

Though leaving an abusive relationship can be complicated and require many changes in your life, there is help available to you for every step along the way.

Want to talk to a counselor today about this?

Call us at 800-453-7733 and ask for your “Free 15 Minute Phone Consultation" with one of our licensed counselors. We’ll listen, answer questions you may have, and help you plan next steps.

Sources:

https://www.thehotline.org/help/

https://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/domestic-violence-and-abuse.htm

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Breaking Free of the Abuse Cycle: Recognizing the Hidden Chains

Leaving an Abusive Relationship

Want to talk to a counselor today about this?

Call us at 800-453-7733 and ask for your “Free 15 Minute Phone Consultation" with one of our licensed counselors. We’ll listen, answer questions you may have, and help you plan next steps.

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