Child & Youth Guidance

Talking to Youth about Healthy Sexual Boundaries

Talking about sex can be uncomfortable, especially when talking with youth. However, even young children are able to identify the anatomical differences between males and females. This awareness comes because humans are sexual beings and there are obvious facts that can be observed to confirm this. It is how our bodies are made and how we grow our families and world.

What is not apparent is how and when bodies and body parts are to be touched. This information needs to be taught and discussed to help each youth develop their own healthy sexual boundaries.

Some Statistics

In 2015, it was estimated that 41 percent of adolescents have had sex. The younger a teen starts having sex, the higher the chance that risky sexual behaviors can occur. STDs, sexual assault, rape, abusive relationships, and other circumstances can leave a lasting impact on youth. While there is no way to guarantee that these issues will not occur, the more information is provided to youth to make educated decisions, the greater the possibility that they will avoid risky choices and situations.

When to Talk

Some parents or guardians feel uncomfortable approaching the topic of sex with youth. However, due to its relevance and importance, it might be helpful to think about placing the safety of the youth over the level of comfort that is felt. Providing information that is educational and developmentally appropriate is the best route to go. You can start talking about and encouraging boundaries with children, by helping them to have control over how they are touched. It may be helpful to do some research, but it does not take an expert to have a successful conversation. Stay calm, answer questions accurately, and look up any answers that you are unsure about. Children and teens are going to learn about sex from somewhere, and making yourself one of those sources can make a huge difference in their lives.

Types of Boundaries

Having healthy sexual boundaries means addressing all of the ways that sexuality can manifest itself; emotionally, mentally, physically, and digitally.

Emotional/Mental

It can be helpful to bring up the topic of how sex is not just physical, but also an emotional and mental decision. For many youth, the idea of sex is both exciting and scary. It can be hard to know exactly how something will affect you when you have not done it before. Youth hear and see countless stories about how others are engaging in relationships and in sexual acts. They then have certain reactions to these stories. Some youth may feel pressured into having sex, which may have started with becoming too emotionally intimate with a partner. Other teens might feel lost, confused, or be struggling with self-esteem. Helping to identify what emotional and mental boundaries need to exist can take the form of asking questions such as:

• How will you know that you are being respected in a relationship? How will you know you are not being respected?
• How are you separating what you want from what your partner wants?
• Do these actions line up with your values and goals?
• How does the thought of having sex, or engaging in a sexual act, make you feel?

Physical

Enforcing physical boundaries can seem like the most concrete, but as emotions and sensations take over, it can be difficult to stand firm. While it is important to teach youth to know their own physical boundaries, it is also important to teach about consent and respecting the boundaries of others. Some questions to discuss include:

• What types of touch are ok with you? What types of touch are not ok?
• What can you do if you feel like your physical boundaries are being violated?
• What might make it difficult to uphold your physical boundaries? Are there ways to avoid those?
• How will you say “no” when you need to?
• How will you stop yourself when someone you are with says “no” or “stop”?

Digital

In the current age of technology and social media, sexting, posting sexual pictures online, or discussing sexual topics are common. Questions to ask youth include:

• How much do you trust social media or people that you send pictures to? Is it possible that your pictures could be seen by more people than you want?
• What do you feel comfortable showing in pictures? What do you feel uncomfortable showing in pictures?
• What topics do you think should be avoided on social media? How would you handle if someone posted something that you were not comfortable with on your page?
• Do you think you have to give access to your phone, social media account, or computer to a partner or friend?

Other Valuable Tips and Topics

With all of the possible topics to discuss, it can seem overwhelming. Some of the most important topics to cover include:

• No always means no. Teach your child that if they say no to someone and this is ignored, that person made a wrong choice. It does not matter if your child had “done it before” or promised to do it for any reason. Your child is allowed to change his or her mind. Also, if your child is with someone and that person says no, it is time to stop. Teach your child that consent matters.
• Address the topic that it might feel selfish or embarrassing to enforce a boundary. It also might be frustrating to figure out how to do so. Encourage your youth to continue the conversation about boundaries with you, or another trusted adult.
• This is not a one-time conversation; continue to educate yourself and your youth, and discuss topics as they arise.  

 

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Sources

• loveisrespect.org/healthy-relationships/setting-boundaries/
• https://www.hhs.gov/ash/oah/resources-and-training/for-families/index.html
• http://www.stopitnow.org/ohc-content/tip-sheet-8
• https://www.uky.edu/hr/sites/www.uky.edu.hr/files/wellness/images/Conf14_Boundaries.pdf

Parenting a Teenager

The teen years are some of the most thrilling and complex for both the adolescent and the parent.  Exciting experiences and transitions coupled with emotions and hormones can make those six to eight years tricky to navigate. Adolescence marks uncharted waters for the teen and possibly a distant memory to the parent.  But for all the good, the bad, and the ugly, the teen years are a rite of passage to adulthood.  To better understand how to parent a teen, it’s essential to consider all that’s happening within one.

The development of teens

During the adolescent years, your teen will grow physically, emotionally, intellectually, and morally.  Teens begin to form and fashion the person they will become in adulthood.  During this process, a power struggle often ensues.  Teenagers will anticipate and earn greater independence from parents and other adults.  As a result, you will see your child begin to separate a bit.  Often, teens will look to their peers as guides and value their opinions over those of adults, specifically their parents.  In an attempt to discover their identity and who they’re becoming, many teens may experiment with how they look and act around others.  Fitting in is often the goal during these years, and parents may experience a lot of stress and worry when they watch their child seemingly become someone else overnight.

 

Signs of a struggling teen

Disagreements are common between teen children and parents.  As your teen pursues independence, he or she is trying to form a code of right and wrong.  This code may or may not be similar to your own values.  While this may seem like an act of rebellion, your child is most likely behaving like the average adolescent.  There are, however, warning signs that can indicate your teen might be struggling:

• Problems with sleep
• Extreme weight changes
• Drug, alcohol, and tobacco use
• Interactions with law enforcement
• Struggling with school or missing classes
• Personality changes
• Changes in friends
• Mentioning suicide or thoughts of dying

Strategies for parenting a teenager

1. Discuss- Talk about puberty before it happens. Your teen should know what to expect with the upcoming physical and hormonal changes.  An upcoming physical with your doctor might be a good conversation starter.  Emphasize that everyone develops at his or her own, unique pace.
2. Empathize- Perhaps the most helpful tool in relating to your teen is empathy. Remember your own teenage years.  Did you fit in or feel awkward about your changing body?  How did you feel about your household’s rules?  Think about the struggles, confusion, and conflict you might have had with your parent(s).  Putting yourself in your growing child’s shoes helps you operate from a place of love instead of frustration.    
3. Inform- Stock up on some helpful resources to educate yourself about the changes in adolescence. Awareness is a vital ingredient for compassion.  In addition, talk to your teen or pre-teen about the pressures to use alcohol or drugs and to engage in other risky behaviors.  Discussing these pressures beforehand helps teens feel better prepared for navigating adolescence. 
4. Choose- Think about your child’s behavior. Are they perhaps trying just to shock you by stretching their wings, or is their behavior harmful with big consequences?  Consider their actions and choose your battles wisely. 
5. Explain- Communicate with your child exactly what your expectations are and what the consequences will be. Having this conversation before a dilemma allows your teen to rise to the responsibility, and it also prevents rash consequences in the anger of the moment.  Be clear and concise but also reasonable and flexible.  Setting up your child for failure with unrealistic rules will not help the situation.   
6. Limit- The Internet can be dangerous territory for teens. Monitor their online communication and what material they are accessing.  Explain you trust them but also educate about online strangers and the potential hazards.  Limiting technology encourages them to be mindful of their online presence and how they can protect themselves.
7. Give- Unless you’ve seen warning signs, consider giving your teen some additional privacy. Keep up with his or her life without probing for every single detail.  This communicates trust and helps prepare your teen for adulthood in a safe, healthy, and loving environment. 

While we’ve heard the old adage, “It takes a village to raise a child,” it can be hard to allow others to fill a spot we’ve always maintained.  Try to think of the teen years as a training ground for your child’s growth and responsibility.  Encourage your child to find a trusted mentor, responsible adult, or relative they can turn to for advice.  Your child may not want to discuss everything with you, and it’s not something to be taken personally.  If anything, it demonstrates your child is progressing at a natural pace of independence.  Remember, while your child is moving towards adulthood, they will always still be your child, even if they sprout to 6’2”. Keeping a healthy perspective on the potentially turbulent teen years lays the foundation for a lifetime of friendship with your son or daughter.   

 

Want to talk to a counselor today about this? 

Call Amplified Life at 800-453-7733 and ask for your “Free 15 Minute Phone Consultation" with one of our licensed counselors. We’ll listen, answer questions you may have, and help you plan next steps.

Sources:

http://kidshealth.org/parent/growth/growing/adolescence.html

http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-living/tween-and-teen-health/in-depth/parenting-tips-for-teens/art-20044693

 

 

Children and Divorce

Today, around one in two marriages end in divorce.  The majority of these occur with children under the age of 18.  Because parents can represent security for a child, children can become scared and confused when they see their parent(s) hurting or distracted.  Therefore, many parents worry about how the divorce will impact their children.

Talk with the Kids

Communicating clearly to your children is critical during the transition of a divorce.  Otherwise, children often misinterpret the situation and accept blame, thinking the divorce is their fault.  When possible, try to have both parents present to talk with the children.  Without a clear, civil conversation, kids often accept the responsibility of trying to get the parents back together.  The following key points will help guide your discussion:

• Tell your children what is happening.
• Explain how this will and won’t involve them.
• Ask your children what questions or concerns they have.
• Share with your children what the end result will be.

Child Reactions

Extra support and additional conversations will probably be necessary during this transitional time.  Children may experience physical, emotional, mental, and/or behavioral reactions to the divorce such as: 

• Younger children may regress to childhood behaviors they long outgrew. Desiring a pacifier, wetting the bed, and experiencing separation anxiety are common.
• Older children can experience feelings of guilt, anger, and possibly relief. Depression or anxiety may occur, as well as withdrawal from family and friends.  These emotions may trigger them to act out their anger through aggression.   

Symptoms and Behaviors to Watch

You may begin to notice some more serious symptoms or behaviors.  Do not feel like you are on your own.  There are a wide variety of support services available through your child’s school, community organizations, and medical and mental health professionals.  Monitor your children to gauge how they are handling the situation, and don’t hesitate to educate yourself about the resources in your community.

 

If your child is showing signs of aggression at home or school this is an indicator of internal struggle.  Children may withdraw from socialization and no longer cooperate with tasks.  There could be academic or behavioral problems at school.  Specific emotional symptoms might include low self-esteem, moodiness, irrational fears and repetitive behaviors, and a minimal desire to communicate with one or both parents. 

 

The Next Step

Many parents who divorce often start out “parallel parenting.”  Here, contact and communication between the former spouses is often quite limited.  Though the parents may be heading toward the same parenting goals for their children, their relationship may be fairly difficult.  In time, parents often move to “cooperative parenting.”  This occurs when ex-spouses are better able to communicate with one another.  Scheduling events and making decisions about the kids are made cooperatively. 

 

Strategies for the Family

Without exception, your family will experience change.  To minimize the potential negative effects of divorce, consider the following points of wisdom for you, the children, and the dual-households:

 

For You:

• Acknowledge- It’s perfectly acceptable to let your children know that what your family is going through is sad. When you express this, it gives your children permission to experience their emotions without feeling guilty or confused.
• Support- Look outside your children for your support during this emotionally charged time. It is not their responsibility or within their capability to maintain your emotional health. 
• Respect- Remember, your ex-spouse is still your child’s mother or father. Refrain from complaining about your former spouse’s flaws and faults in front of them.  Likewise, arguments you have should remain private.
• Be direct- Your children are not messengers or spies between you and your ex. Be direct when you need information and go straight to your former spouse.  It is unfair and awkward to use the kids as a go-between. 
• Be reliable- Keep your plans with your child. Do not cancel unless absolutely necessary.  If the unforeseen does arise, sincerely apologize to your child.  Stability and trust are fundamental needs during the divorce transition. 

For the Kids:

• Prepare- Keep the kids in the loop as much as possible. Springing last-minute changes and decisions on them increases the potential for anxiety, instability, and strained relationships.
• Keep it simple- Complicated and confusing details are not necessary when you talk to your kids. Keep conversations regarding their father or mother short, simple, and factual.  Avoid your commentary on the situation. 
• Give permission- Communicate with your child that you desire them to have a good, healthy, and loving relationship with your ex. Unless there is threat of danger (i.e. emotional, physical, or sexual abuse), give your child “permission” to enjoy and foster that relationship. 
• Release- Clearly affirm that divorce is between parents, not parents and children. Reiterate it is not their fault and release your children from any feelings of guilt. 
• Reassure- The importance of your love cannot be understated. Reassure your children you will always love them and be their parents.  Divorce cannot change that.

For the Household:

• Manage finances- Conversations about household finances, as they relate to your ex, and child support should remain private matters. Financial issues should not be discussed in front of the kids. 
• Have structure- If possible, try to establish similar rules in both households. Structure communicates stability.
• Establish a routine- A good routine in the midst of change is helpful. Your child will feel more secure when he or she clearly knows what to expect.

Divorce is painful, but there is help available.  Be willing to seek out family counseling or support groups if you feel that your family could benefit from them.  You are not the first to navigate the rough waters of divorce; allow the experience of others to help you in this time of transition.   

 

Want to talk to a counselor today about this? 

Call Amplified Life at 800-453-7733 and ask for your “Free 15 Minute Phone Consultation" with one of our licensed counselors. We’ll listen, answer questions you may have, and help you plan next steps.

Sources:

http://www.aacap.org/aacap/Families_and_Youth/Facts_for_Families/Facts_for_Families_Pages/Children_and_Divorce_01.aspx

http://www.aamft.org/imis15/content/consumer_updates/children_and_divorce.aspx

 

 

 

 

 

Teaching Kids about Finances

Financial skills are necessary for a successful life, but often people don’t start to learn them until they reach adulthood.  Personal finance and making smart financial decisions may not be included in your child’s school curriculum, but kids need to be taught about finances to prepare them for independence.  Parents should guide their young ones in sound money management as they have the greatest influence on a child’s financial practices.

Finances and Family

Kids learn by doing.  Research has indicated that children as young as three can understand the concept of saving and spending, and that children’s money habits are formed by age seven.  Therefore, it is never too early to begin teaching your children about money.  While it’s best to not share financial worries with your kids, talking with them about daily money decisions can be beneficial.  For example, engage in conversation about what to buy at the grocery store, where you shop, and how you pay bills. 

You can also show children how to handle money by implementing some form of an allowance.  Not every task should require payment, so it’s good to have kids do some chores simply because they are part of the family.  At the same time, paying your child for larger projects around the house can be a teaching tool for money management and helps to develop a strong work ethic.  Consider developing a “401” account where you match every dollar they set aside in savings.  Their excitement will build as they watch their account double whenever they choose to save instead of spend.

 

Lessons Through the Ages:

Children are ready to handle the beginning concepts of basic money management from preschool onward.  Consider these financial tips through the stages of your child’s development:

• Preschool Age Lessons:
  • Teach patience- Communicate to your child that we can’t buy everything we want right away, and that sometimes we have to wait. Every trip to the store does not mean a purchase. 
  • Separate- Help your preschool child divide up birthday or chore money between what is saved, shared, and spent. For example, consider labeling three jars “save,” “share,” and “spend.”  This also serves as a visual aid, since little ones can easily see the money separated between jars. 
  • Set goals- Work with your child to set a savings goal for something he or she wants to buy and then do regular check-ins to help them see how much they’ve saved and how much is still needed.
• Elementary School Age Lessons:
  • Teach limits- Your child should be able to understand that there isn’t an endless supply of money. There are real limitations, and you have to make choices about your spending.
  • Make decisions- Have your child help with a family financial decision. For example, allow your child to pick out some items at the grocery store.  Share the cost differences between things like name brand and generic, and individual items versus buying in bulk.  Give them a few dollars, and allow the choice to be theirs. 
  • Vocalize- Talk through some of the questions you ask yourself when making purchases, such as, “Do we really need this today?” or, “Is this something I can borrow?”
• Middle School Age Lessons:
  • Teach compound interest- Compound interest is when you make money, or interest, on both your savings and the interest you have already accrued. Teach your child about how to make money work for you.  Practice the math of compound interest with them and use online tools to assist with more difficult math. 
  • Teach restraint- Help your middle school child refrain from small purchases when they are saving. Exercising restraint to save for a larger toy or item is an invaluable skill.
• High School Age Lessons:
  • Compare- Show your child the differences between college costs and help them compare educational options. Teach them that education is a worthwhile investment in their future by comparing salaries of those with a high school diploma and those with a college degree.
  • Plan for the future- Explain to your high school child what your plans are to save for their future. Communicate your financial plans, if any, toward their college education.  This eliminates the guesswork regarding your involvement as he or she determines college plans. 
  • Research- There is a wide array of college grants and scholarships available. Discuss these options with your child, and research the pros and cons of student loans and the government programs available to help pay back that debt.    

Teaching your children about money is necessary and can also be fun.  One of the best ways to help them learn is to engage them in the financial decision-making activities in your household.  Simply lecturing about good money principles is not nearly as successful as hands-on experience.  As an added bonus, you might discover something that will improve your own financial planning.    

 

Want to talk to a counselor today about this? 

Call Amplified Life at 800-453-7733 and ask for your “Free 15 Minute Phone Consultation" with one of our licensed counselors. We’ll listen, answer questions you may have, and help you plan next steps.

 

Sources:

http://www.forbes.com/sites/laurashin/2013/10/15/the-5-most-important-money-lessons-to-teach-your-kids/

 

 

Talking to Young People about Tough Issues

The intensity of today’s life issues can be challenging for any adult, so discussing them with an adolescent can be even more complicated.  Many parents feel inadequate talking through intimidating topics like sex, drug use, peer pressure, bullying, and teen pregnancy.  The following tips on communication, parental reactions, and responsibilities can help you navigate conversations with a young person about the tough issues he or she could face:

Communication Strategies

• Treat individually- Every child is unique and responds differently to tough issues. Consider where your teen feels most comfortable talking and expressing concerns and questions.  For some teens, a chat in their bedroom works.  Others might feel free to open up while riding in the car or out on a walk.  Just remember that what works for one child may not for all. 
• Share facts- Be sure to provide your child with helpful, accurate information. Do your research and don’t make things up in an attempt to scare or overwhelm them.  Share how to find quality information on the Internet and how to avoid false “facts.”
• Look for conversation starters- Be on the lookout for ways to bring up a tough topic. Sometimes a television show or news story can be a great way to gauge how they’re feeling about an issue.  Watch their body language.  Openly share your feelings in the conversation too. 
• Have multiple talks- Multiple conversations are best for difficult topics. Your teen might have more in-depth questions as they get older and experience things differently.  Therefore, it’s wise to not make tough issues a one-time conversation. 

Parental Reactions

• Spare the lectures- The goal is to have a conversation with mutual discussion. Lectures often scare teens and/or cause them to shut down emotionally.  When they feel heard, they are more likely to listen.
• Cut out distractions- Make sure you are in the right state of mind to discuss a difficult topic. To truly hear your child’s thoughts, eliminate as many distractions as possible.  This means silencing your cell phone, turning off the television, and giving your child your undivided attention. 
• Don’t assume- You don’t know what your teen does or doesn’t know about a topic. They may have misconceptions about issues like sex or drug use.  Quite possibly, they know much more than you think they should or would.  Most importantly, if they do ask you a question, don’t assume it means they’re engaging in the behavior.  They are coming to you in safety and trust, so making assumptions is a surefire way to jeopardize the relationship.
• Stay calm- When your teen sees you panicking and anxious about a situation, they’re less likely to open up. Remain composed by listening and asking open-ended (not “yes” or “no”) questions.  Make sure your tone of voice doesn’t sound accusatory.
• Model healthy reactions- Children are always watching us. They’re looking to see how we react to difficult situations (i.e. a death, crisis, bad decision, or another loss of some kind).  Our actions will give them far more information than our conversations will. 

Parental Responsibilities

• Share feelings and values- Your teen knows you have opinions, emotions, and values. It’s important to explain why you feel how you do.  If they know what’s important to you, they’ll be more likely to consider their own priorities when facing a tough situation. 
• See the big picture- When discussing good choices, it’s important to talk about what motivates that decision. Educate your teen about how making good choices allows us to lead good lives and meet our goals.   
• Do not criticize- Occasionally, you may overhear your teen talking about another friend’s questionable decisions. Be cautious not to criticize and jump to conclusions.  Walk through the potential consequences of that behavior and listen to what your teen thinks about the situation.
• Pay attention to media- Raising adolescents in a media-saturated world also provides unique challenges. For example, more than 75 percent of prime-time programs show the excitement of sexual activity, while only 14 percent demonstrate the risks and responsibilities.[i]  It’s important to be aware of what your teen’s watching.  Better yet, make some popcorn and share some screen time together.  Showing interest in their likes is a great way to build bridges for communication. 
• Follow up- Typically, today’s teens do more of their talking via text than face-to-face or by phone. Consider sending your teens a positive text to follow-up after discussing a tough topic.  There’s no need to feel intimidated or try to be someone you’re not.  Simply text as you would talk.  “Thanks for sharing your thoughts with me.  Love you,” is a great way to communicate your appreciation, attention, and love. 

Finally, it’s important to praise a teen when they are honest with you about tough issues.  Help them understand that having a humble attitude and telling the truth will minimize a possible punishment.  Remaining calm and nonjudgmental shows your child you’re a safe place and an ally, and they will be more likely to approach you with tough topics in the future. 

 

Want to talk to a counselor today about this? 

Call Amplified Life at 800-453-7733 and ask for your “Free 15 Minute Phone Consultation" with one of our licensed counselors. We’ll listen, answer questions you may have, and help you plan next steps.

 

Sources:

http://www.hhs.gov/ash/oah/resources-and-publications/info/parents/get-started/

http://www.hhs.gov/ash/oah/resources-and-publications/info/parents/conversation-tools/

 

 

[i] Strasburger, V. C. (2010). Sexuality, contraception, and the media. Pediatrics, 126(3), 576-582

 

Parenting and Positive Discipline

Parenting doesn’t need to be a war between you and your child.  When it comes to discipline, there is a positive way to alter your child’s behavior without bribes and threats.  Effective discipline is proactive, and it encourages positive actions and personal responsibility.  It promotes your child’s self-esteem and appropriate development.  Most importantly, positive discipline will strengthen the relationship between you, your child, and their siblings. 

Why Children Misbehave

Kids truly do mean well and do their best to behave.  Sometimes they’ll fall short of our behavioral expectations.  When this occurs, it’s our job as parents to determine the reason behind the misbehavior.  Consider why they might be acting out or hitting people, and what unmet needs might be underlying this behavior. There are several factors contributing to both your child’s behavior and your reaction.  Consider the following:

• What is the specific behavior?
• How do you feel about it?
• What is your personality type? Your child’s? 
• Why do you think they’re behaving this way?
• Where is the behavior occurring? Who is there when it happens?
• Is anything impacting or preventing your response to it?

Positive Discipline Strategies

Positive discipline trains children to behave without resorting to bribes, threats, yelling, or even physical actions.  The following strategies will teach you how to channel your child’s energy (and yours) into a more desirable outcome: 

1. Refrain from saying “no”- There’s something about being told “no” that makes children (or adults) want to do something all the more. Your child may stop listening and tune you out as soon as you say it.  Instead, offer an alternative to the negative behavior.  For example, let’s say your child is coloring on your wall.  Rather than yelling, “No,” try a different approach such as, “Let’s do a picture together in your new coloring book.  Then, it can be a surprise for Grandma.” 
2. Control yourself- Children watch their parents. You’re modeling for them what is acceptable and unacceptable behavior, and children will learn the most from what your actions demonstrate.  If you yell, they will also.  Be mindful of what upsets you and makes you anxious.  Take steps to remain calm and keep the situation from escalating.  Your kids will notice. 
3. Consistency- We sometimes overlook or address behaviors based on the situation and our own energy level. This can confuse a child.  When we are clear on our expectations and consistent, children are less likely to test the limits.  Be simple in your directions.  If you’re using a chart or another method to track their behavior, make sure it’s not too difficult for the child to understand. 
4. Good behavior counts- Too often we give our kids more attention when they misbehave. When we choose to ignore negative behaviors, like whining, and highlight a good behavior instead, we show our kids what we truly value.  Because kids crave attention, they will automatically do whatever gets most attention whether good or bad.  The key is to recognize and encourage your child when their inappropriate behavior stops, or when the exhibit the desired behavior.  Use wisdom; if a child appears likely to cause harm to self, others or property do not ignore the negative behavior.    
5. Avoid bribery- When we offer our children bribes as incentives, they don’t associate good behavior as the reward itself. Help your child see that good behavior and choices bring their own rewards.
6. Give options- There’s nothing wrong with giving your child choices. For example: If a child is fighting with their sibling, explain to them you only have enough energy to either listen to their squabble or do something fun later.  This gives your children the choice rather than turning the situation into a bribe.
7. Rewards- Incentives can be powerful motivators for positive behavior.
   1. Responsibility- Trusting children to take care of certain tasks should be seen as a privilege. Responsibility is a reward in itself.  When it is framed this way, children will naturally desire to behave in a positive manner to gain more responsibilities. 
   2. Your attention- Giving a child your love, understanding, and attention is the best reward for any child. Setting aside time every day to spend with your child is the best way to influence their lives. 

Raising healthy, well-behaved children takes time, consistency, and patience.  Long-term habits in anyone’s life require time, and children are no exception.  The best results are not always immediate.  Stick with it and continue reinforcing your commitment.  Loving your child is always a worthwhile investment with life-long returns.    

 

Want to talk to a counselor today about this? 

Call Amplified Life at 800-453-7733 and ask for your “Free 15 Minute Phone Consultation" with one of our licensed counselors. We’ll listen, answer questions you may have, and help you plan next steps.

 

Sources:

http://www.pbs.org/parents/talkingwithkids/positive_discipline_tips.html

http://www.cwla.org/positiveparenting/tipsdiscipline.htm

 

 

Modeling Good Sportsmanship

Children aren’t magically born with the ability to be a good sport.  While playing fair is a learned skill, modeling good sportsmanship happens when we demonstrate what we teach.  When parents and adults discuss and model appropriate play on and off the field, children will learn from their example.

Chances are you’ve witnessed that one parent at a kids’ sporting event.  They’re the one who’s a little too into the game and out of control.  They yell, tear down their children, rant at officials, and possibly use obscenities in the crowd.  With their taunting, they disrespect a player’s need to concentrate.  It’s an uncomfortable situation at best, and the behavior can also embarrass a child. 

Why Play?

Is it easier to avoid sports altogether?  Not necessarily.  The simple answer is not to discourage your child against playing any sports, but be mindful that when it comes to good sportsmanship, there is no quick fix.  Poor behavior in sports is a much broader issue when you think about those modeling it.  Children might see defiance against officials, trash talking, and violence when they watch professional athletes on TV or in person.  While these athletes may incur fines, they are still heroes admired by many children and even some adults.   

 

There are plenty of reasons to continue encouraging your kids to play sports.  When paired with a coach and adults modeling appropriate play and rules of the game, children learn much more than the mechanics of soccer or baseball.  Both on and off the field, these individuals often shape the moral and ethical character of your child.  A good coach recognizes that winning isn’t everything.  Healthy character development is one of the major positive byproducts of a coach who emphasizes good sportsmanship.    

Good Sportsmanship Guidelines

Demonstrating appropriate behavior on the field, and even in the workplace, is fundamental.  It not only encourages a healthy play or work environment, but it also models for adults and children the values of respect, character, and the worth of every human being.  Here are a few tips beyond cheering and clapping to coach you to good sportsmanship: 

• Cheer for all- Recognizing talent is easy, but rewarding effort is equally important. Cheer for everyone participating.  This also helps you not to be reactive to your own child’s individual or team performance.  Your kids will also see you celebrating the love of the game, rather than just having a “winning is everything” approach.  Pay attention to your emotions, and keep them in check.
• Thank you- Most officials, referees, and umpires aren’t in it for the money. Many of them are volunteers who want to give back to the community and its youth. The usual comments they hear are negative and involve complaints about their judgments.  A simple thank you and recognition of their time encourages them and models gratitude to the other parents and children. 
• Interact positively with the other team- Remember, the opposing team is not the enemy. Those are real parents who are just as proud of their children.  Chatting with them and the opposing team’s players is not taboo.  Rather, it demonstrates you are not too caught up in the game to be a respectful, kind-hearted, fellow parent.  Congratulate them if they win; offer encouragement if they lose.  Never boo a player on either team, and be mindful to avoid any offensive language. 
• Don’t coach- Unless you’re the coach, skip the urge to call or challenge any plays. If you do need to speak with the coach, set up a one-on-one conversation to keep it private.  Likewise, avoid critiquing your child’s performance or mistakes on the ride home.  Ask them if they had fun and what they learned.  While your intentions may be good, just being there to watch the game will teach them far more in the long run. Many professional athletes attribute their success to parents’ encouragement, not their coaching. 
• Model good self-care- If you show no interest in physical activity, there’s a good chance your child won’t either. When you play a sport for fun, it encourages kids to do the same. As an added bonus, you’ll remember how difficult it can be sometimes, making you less likely to criticize your child’s performance. 
• Chill out & Check in – Try to remember that your child is growing and learning, and might just want to have fun sometimes. Keep in mind that if you are trying to live vicariously through your child, it will likely not have a positive outcome.

Remember, the best way to ensure a fun and healthy season is to practice the “golden rule” of sports, which is to treat others the way you’d like to be treated.  This applies to teammates, opponents, coaches, and parents.  Criticism and poor behavior will never earn a win, but modeling good sportsmanship is a sure strategy for success in your child’s life, both on and off the field.

 

Want to talk to a counselor today about this? 

Call Amplified Life at 800-453-7733 and ask for your “Free 15 Minute Phone Consultation" with one of our licensed counselors. We’ll listen, answer questions you may have, and help you plan next steps.

 

Sources

http://www.momsteam.com/sports-sidelines-modeling-good-sportsmanship-key

http://kidshealth.org/teen/food_fitness/sports/sportsmanship.html

http://life.familyeducation.com/sports/parenting/36484.html

 

 

 

 

Identifying Troubled Children

Often children are unable to cope positively with change or stress in their lives.  These transitions can leave them feeling frustrated and angry, and they can behave in ways that indicate they are at risk for emotional and social difficulties.

Predictors of Behavioral Problems

Negative behavioral patterns in children can be linked to the following three main areas within a child’s life:

• Nature of the community- Children who are exposed to violence or abuse are more likely to develop behavioral issues. In addition, when there are financial difficulties or trouble gaining assistance, a child might begin to act out negatively.  These environments cause children to learn suspicion, and they distrust others’ motives.  When resources don’t exist in schools or communities, this heightens the developmental challenge. 
• Families- With a difficult child, parents may focus solely on his or her misbehavior, failing to praise a child for appropriate choices. Physical, emotional, or sexual abuse can easily lead to behavioral problems, and stress within the family may cause a child to react in an unpredictable manner.
• Individual differences- Early childhood trauma, as well as genetics, can play a role in negative behavioral patterns. If children are impulsive or inattentive from a young age, they might struggle to develop emotionally, socially, and cognitively.

Early Warning Signs

Not every kid who exhibits one or more of these signs is a troubled child.  However, it’s important to consider these early warning signs:

• Emotional
  • Feeling alone, unworthy, or rejected
  • Having difficulty controlling anger
  • Mood swings or persistent sadness
• Social
  • Not having friends
  • Withdrawing from friends and family
  • Lacking interest in school
  • Harboring intense prejudice toward those who are different
• Abuse
  • Experiencing abuse (physical, emotional, sexual)
  • Substance abuse (alcohol, drugs, tobacco)
• Violence
  • Writings and drawings that are violent in nature
  • Experiencing violence
  • Interest in or joining a gang
  • Owning or having access to weapons
  • Bullying, threatening, or intimidating others
  • Hitting others or using physical violence against a person, animal, or property

Helping Troubled Children

Identifying and helping children with behavioral problems is not one person’s responsibility.  It takes a community of people who are committed to looking for warning signs, as prevention is the most effective strategy.  The following tools can guide you to help troubled children: 

• Know developmental milestones- Sometimes we might think a behavior is a warning sign of future problems. In reality, it could be developmentally appropriate for the child’s age.  It’s important to understand when and how children pass developmental milestones.  Learning to interact socially and emotionally takes time, and each child’s progression is slightly different.
• Understand the behavior- Consider the rationale behind the behavior. Many troubled children have aggressive and violent tendencies because they don’t know how to cope with life’s stresses.  No one has modeled for them positive coping methods, and perhaps the child has only been shown attention for their misbehavior.  Empathizing with the child is key to understanding the causes behind the behavior. 
• Develop a caring relationship- Children will open up when they feel safe. Listen to their concerns and help them feel heard.  Avoid punishing only negative behaviors and take opportunities to reward positive choices.  Modeling healthy coping methods in your own life reinforces positive behavior as well. 
• Take threats seriously- Get help immediately if a child threatens to harm themselves or others. Be sure there isn’t access to weapons or other means of inflicting self-harm.  Alert authorities, teachers, school officials, etc., to prevent action on any verbal or written threats.  No one person can be with a child 24 hours a day.  Involve the necessary individuals to help oversee the child and situation. 
• Don’t stereotype a child- Troubled behavior is not a reason to punish and isolate a child. Stereotyping or labeling a child can also be damaging, so don’t assume that academic ability, socioeconomic status, or physical appearances are signs of troubled behavior.  Also, one warning sign does not necessarily indicate a troubled child. 
• Don’t blame yourself- Many parents assume blame, thinking they are responsible for their child’s behavior. There are multiple factors involved in predicting troubled behavior, and many of these are outside a parent’s control.  Guilt is never a helpful emotion.  Instead, focus on being there for your child and helping them get the support and care they need. 

Identifying a troubled child is not assigning them a lifelong diagnosis.  Children with behavioral problems don’t have to become troubled adults.  Mental health professionals and school staff are available to teach positive ways to cope with life stressors as a child transitions to adolescence or adulthood.  The best strategy for success is surrounding yourself with a team of individuals who are willing and able to support both you and your child.

 

Want to talk to a counselor today about this? 

Call Amplified Life at 800-453-7733 and ask for your “Free 15 Minute Phone Consultation" with one of our licensed counselors. We’ll listen, answer questions you may have, and help you plan next steps.

 

Sources: http://www.nasponline.org/resources/crisis_safety/suicidept1_general.aspx

 

Helping Potentially Violent Children

Sometimes it can be difficult to pinpoint when a child is struggling emotionally.  Those who act out in a violent manner are easier to identify, but what can we do before it escalates to this point?  Is it possible to help a potentially violent child redirect their emotions and prevent a negative and destructive action?   

Causes for Violent Children

There are many reasons a child may resort to violence.  When kids are angry, frustrated, or afraid, they may believe that hurting themselves or others is the only answer to their problems.  In an effort to protect themselves or to control others, violent children act on their anger and fear.  Some children turn to violence as a means to get what they want, while others use it to exact revenge when someone has harmed them or their loved one.  Other kids simply learn violence from their upbringing and environment.      

 

Signs of a Violent Child

Anger is not a guarantee that a child will turn to violence.  While it can certainly be an indicator, there are many historical factors that suggest the potential for violent behavior.  Early childhood abuse or neglect, as well as a failure to empathize with others, are historical signs of a violent child.  When children have frequent run-ins with authority, a history of aggression and vandalism, a record of being cruel to animals, or parents who condone violence, they are at a higher risk of acting out their negative emotions.  Some kids are bullied, and out of resentment they become violent.  Lastly, those suffering from mental illness may, knowingly or not, resort to violence. 

 

Certain behaviors can also indicate the possibility of future violence.  These risk factors include drug and alcohol use, access to weapons, gang affiliation (or a desire to be in one), isolation, and a decline in school performance.  A child who easily loses their temper and makes a plan to commit violence is well on their way to a destructive path.  If they communicate, by any means, a plan for violence, contact parents, school officials, and authorities immediately.

 

Planning and Prevention

Helping potentially violent children can be challenging, but it is possible to make a significant difference in their lives.  The following information will provide you with some strategies to prevent violent acts and to provide positive alternatives for the child:   

 

Prevention

• Identify triggers- Determine the circumstances that activate violent thoughts and behaviors. If possible, keep the child away from these situations.  Otherwise, practice calming techniques to soothe the child and prevent a meltdown before it happens.
• Pinpoint feelings- Help the child discuss their feelings. Communicate your desire to understand what he or she is experiencing.  Remind the child that they aren’t alone; and that you and others are here to help.
• Use words- Run through scenarios where they practice using words to express their disappointment, fear, or anger. Offer suggestions for communicating with someone who might hurt their feelings or critique them.  For example, “When you laughed at me, I felt really angry.”  Using words constructively is always a better alternative than violence. 
• Problem-solve- Brainstorm alternative actions, other than violence, with the child. What are some other ways to cope when they become angry or threatened?  Encourage them to take a time-out, remove themselves from the situation, and calm down. 
• Recognize physical responses- Teach the child to look for their body’s cues to anger. Does their heart start beating faster or their stomach begin to hurt?  The ability to identify their physical responses might help them transition to a calming activity.  Encourage them to take deep breaths or repeat a phrase to diffuse their emotions. 

Plan of Action

• Ask for help- Managing a potentially violent child isn’t something to take lightly. Don’t feel like you need to handle the situation alone.  Seek out a mental health professional for help.  Alert authorities if you feel that you or others are in immediate danger. 
• Discuss consequences- Talk to the child about the long-term consequences of violent behavior without being threatening or lecturing them. Explain (using examples) how controlling emotions in a positive way will benefit them throughout their life. 
• Use teamwork- Having multiple adults with whom a child can talk is most effective. Teachers, school counselors, coaches, or other mentors are excellent resources, especially if the parent is unavailable or uninvolved.  Familiarize these adults with any warning signs or triggers for the child’s violent behavior.  Designate a “time-out” space at school where a child can go if they begin to feel upset or unsafe. 
• Watch for danger- Adolescents and children struggling with anger are at risk for harming themselves. Watch for suicidal or self-injury signs.  If they mention hurting themselves or not wanting to live, take it seriously.  Get help immediately. 

Just like anyone else, a potentially violent child needs to hear good feedback when a wise choice is made.  Offer praise and encouragement when they make a non-violent and good decision.  Focus on the positive, instead of solely punishing the negative behaviors.  The best way to impact a potentially violent child is to model wise choices.  Your actions will speak the loudest message of all. 

 

Want to talk to a counselor today about this? 

Call Amplified Life at 800-453-7733 and ask for your “Free 15 Minute Phone Consultation" with one of our licensed counselors. We’ll listen, answer questions you may have, and help you plan next steps.

 

Sources:

http://www.apa.org/helpcenter

http://www.nasponline.org