parenting

Talking to Youth about Healthy Sexual Boundaries

Talking about sex can be uncomfortable, especially when talking with youth. However, even young children are able to identify the anatomical differences between males and females. This awareness comes because humans are sexual beings and there are obvious facts that can be observed to confirm this. It is how our bodies are made and how we grow our families and world.

What is not apparent is how and when bodies and body parts are to be touched. This information needs to be taught and discussed to help each youth develop their own healthy sexual boundaries.

Some Statistics

In 2015, it was estimated that 41 percent of adolescents have had sex. The younger a teen starts having sex, the higher the chance that risky sexual behaviors can occur. STDs, sexual assault, rape, abusive relationships, and other circumstances can leave a lasting impact on youth. While there is no way to guarantee that these issues will not occur, the more information is provided to youth to make educated decisions, the greater the possibility that they will avoid risky choices and situations.

When to Talk

Some parents or guardians feel uncomfortable approaching the topic of sex with youth. However, due to its relevance and importance, it might be helpful to think about placing the safety of the youth over the level of comfort that is felt. Providing information that is educational and developmentally appropriate is the best route to go. You can start talking about and encouraging boundaries with children, by helping them to have control over how they are touched. It may be helpful to do some research, but it does not take an expert to have a successful conversation. Stay calm, answer questions accurately, and look up any answers that you are unsure about. Children and teens are going to learn about sex from somewhere, and making yourself one of those sources can make a huge difference in their lives.

Types of Boundaries

Having healthy sexual boundaries means addressing all of the ways that sexuality can manifest itself; emotionally, mentally, physically, and digitally.

Emotional/Mental

It can be helpful to bring up the topic of how sex is not just physical, but also an emotional and mental decision. For many youth, the idea of sex is both exciting and scary. It can be hard to know exactly how something will affect you when you have not done it before. Youth hear and see countless stories about how others are engaging in relationships and in sexual acts. They then have certain reactions to these stories. Some youth may feel pressured into having sex, which may have started with becoming too emotionally intimate with a partner. Other teens might feel lost, confused, or be struggling with self-esteem. Helping to identify what emotional and mental boundaries need to exist can take the form of asking questions such as:

• How will you know that you are being respected in a relationship? How will you know you are not being respected?
• How are you separating what you want from what your partner wants?
• Do these actions line up with your values and goals?
• How does the thought of having sex, or engaging in a sexual act, make you feel?

Physical

Enforcing physical boundaries can seem like the most concrete, but as emotions and sensations take over, it can be difficult to stand firm. While it is important to teach youth to know their own physical boundaries, it is also important to teach about consent and respecting the boundaries of others. Some questions to discuss include:

• What types of touch are ok with you? What types of touch are not ok?
• What can you do if you feel like your physical boundaries are being violated?
• What might make it difficult to uphold your physical boundaries? Are there ways to avoid those?
• How will you say “no” when you need to?
• How will you stop yourself when someone you are with says “no” or “stop”?

Digital

In the current age of technology and social media, sexting, posting sexual pictures online, or discussing sexual topics are common. Questions to ask youth include:

• How much do you trust social media or people that you send pictures to? Is it possible that your pictures could be seen by more people than you want?
• What do you feel comfortable showing in pictures? What do you feel uncomfortable showing in pictures?
• What topics do you think should be avoided on social media? How would you handle if someone posted something that you were not comfortable with on your page?
• Do you think you have to give access to your phone, social media account, or computer to a partner or friend?

Other Valuable Tips and Topics

With all of the possible topics to discuss, it can seem overwhelming. Some of the most important topics to cover include:

• No always means no. Teach your child that if they say no to someone and this is ignored, that person made a wrong choice. It does not matter if your child had “done it before” or promised to do it for any reason. Your child is allowed to change his or her mind. Also, if your child is with someone and that person says no, it is time to stop. Teach your child that consent matters.
• Address the topic that it might feel selfish or embarrassing to enforce a boundary. It also might be frustrating to figure out how to do so. Encourage your youth to continue the conversation about boundaries with you, or another trusted adult.
• This is not a one-time conversation; continue to educate yourself and your youth, and discuss topics as they arise.  

 

Want to talk to a counselor today about this? 

Call us at 800-453-7733 and ask for your “Free 15 Minute Phone Consultation" with one of our licensed counselors. We’ll listen, answer questions you may have, and help you plan next steps.

 

Sources

• loveisrespect.org/healthy-relationships/setting-boundaries/
• https://www.hhs.gov/ash/oah/resources-and-training/for-families/index.html
• http://www.stopitnow.org/ohc-content/tip-sheet-8
• https://www.uky.edu/hr/sites/www.uky.edu.hr/files/wellness/images/Conf14_Boundaries.pdf

Parenting a Teenager

The teen years are some of the most thrilling and complex for both the adolescent and the parent.  Exciting experiences and transitions coupled with emotions and hormones can make those six to eight years tricky to navigate. Adolescence marks uncharted waters for the teen and possibly a distant memory to the parent.  But for all the good, the bad, and the ugly, the teen years are a rite of passage to adulthood.  To better understand how to parent a teen, it’s essential to consider all that’s happening within one.

The development of teens

During the adolescent years, your teen will grow physically, emotionally, intellectually, and morally.  Teens begin to form and fashion the person they will become in adulthood.  During this process, a power struggle often ensues.  Teenagers will anticipate and earn greater independence from parents and other adults.  As a result, you will see your child begin to separate a bit.  Often, teens will look to their peers as guides and value their opinions over those of adults, specifically their parents.  In an attempt to discover their identity and who they’re becoming, many teens may experiment with how they look and act around others.  Fitting in is often the goal during these years, and parents may experience a lot of stress and worry when they watch their child seemingly become someone else overnight.

 

Signs of a struggling teen

Disagreements are common between teen children and parents.  As your teen pursues independence, he or she is trying to form a code of right and wrong.  This code may or may not be similar to your own values.  While this may seem like an act of rebellion, your child is most likely behaving like the average adolescent.  There are, however, warning signs that can indicate your teen might be struggling:

• Problems with sleep
• Extreme weight changes
• Drug, alcohol, and tobacco use
• Interactions with law enforcement
• Struggling with school or missing classes
• Personality changes
• Changes in friends
• Mentioning suicide or thoughts of dying

Strategies for parenting a teenager

1. Discuss- Talk about puberty before it happens. Your teen should know what to expect with the upcoming physical and hormonal changes.  An upcoming physical with your doctor might be a good conversation starter.  Emphasize that everyone develops at his or her own, unique pace.
2. Empathize- Perhaps the most helpful tool in relating to your teen is empathy. Remember your own teenage years.  Did you fit in or feel awkward about your changing body?  How did you feel about your household’s rules?  Think about the struggles, confusion, and conflict you might have had with your parent(s).  Putting yourself in your growing child’s shoes helps you operate from a place of love instead of frustration.    
3. Inform- Stock up on some helpful resources to educate yourself about the changes in adolescence. Awareness is a vital ingredient for compassion.  In addition, talk to your teen or pre-teen about the pressures to use alcohol or drugs and to engage in other risky behaviors.  Discussing these pressures beforehand helps teens feel better prepared for navigating adolescence. 
4. Choose- Think about your child’s behavior. Are they perhaps trying just to shock you by stretching their wings, or is their behavior harmful with big consequences?  Consider their actions and choose your battles wisely. 
5. Explain- Communicate with your child exactly what your expectations are and what the consequences will be. Having this conversation before a dilemma allows your teen to rise to the responsibility, and it also prevents rash consequences in the anger of the moment.  Be clear and concise but also reasonable and flexible.  Setting up your child for failure with unrealistic rules will not help the situation.   
6. Limit- The Internet can be dangerous territory for teens. Monitor their online communication and what material they are accessing.  Explain you trust them but also educate about online strangers and the potential hazards.  Limiting technology encourages them to be mindful of their online presence and how they can protect themselves.
7. Give- Unless you’ve seen warning signs, consider giving your teen some additional privacy. Keep up with his or her life without probing for every single detail.  This communicates trust and helps prepare your teen for adulthood in a safe, healthy, and loving environment. 

While we’ve heard the old adage, “It takes a village to raise a child,” it can be hard to allow others to fill a spot we’ve always maintained.  Try to think of the teen years as a training ground for your child’s growth and responsibility.  Encourage your child to find a trusted mentor, responsible adult, or relative they can turn to for advice.  Your child may not want to discuss everything with you, and it’s not something to be taken personally.  If anything, it demonstrates your child is progressing at a natural pace of independence.  Remember, while your child is moving towards adulthood, they will always still be your child, even if they sprout to 6’2”. Keeping a healthy perspective on the potentially turbulent teen years lays the foundation for a lifetime of friendship with your son or daughter.   

 

Want to talk to a counselor today about this? 

Call Amplified Life at 800-453-7733 and ask for your “Free 15 Minute Phone Consultation" with one of our licensed counselors. We’ll listen, answer questions you may have, and help you plan next steps.

Sources:

http://kidshealth.org/parent/growth/growing/adolescence.html

http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-living/tween-and-teen-health/in-depth/parenting-tips-for-teens/art-20044693

 

 

Parenting and Positive Discipline

Parenting doesn’t need to be a war between you and your child.  When it comes to discipline, there is a positive way to alter your child’s behavior without bribes and threats.  Effective discipline is proactive, and it encourages positive actions and personal responsibility.  It promotes your child’s self-esteem and appropriate development.  Most importantly, positive discipline will strengthen the relationship between you, your child, and their siblings. 

Why Children Misbehave

Kids truly do mean well and do their best to behave.  Sometimes they’ll fall short of our behavioral expectations.  When this occurs, it’s our job as parents to determine the reason behind the misbehavior.  Consider why they might be acting out or hitting people, and what unmet needs might be underlying this behavior. There are several factors contributing to both your child’s behavior and your reaction.  Consider the following:

• What is the specific behavior?
• How do you feel about it?
• What is your personality type? Your child’s? 
• Why do you think they’re behaving this way?
• Where is the behavior occurring? Who is there when it happens?
• Is anything impacting or preventing your response to it?

Positive Discipline Strategies

Positive discipline trains children to behave without resorting to bribes, threats, yelling, or even physical actions.  The following strategies will teach you how to channel your child’s energy (and yours) into a more desirable outcome: 

1. Refrain from saying “no”- There’s something about being told “no” that makes children (or adults) want to do something all the more. Your child may stop listening and tune you out as soon as you say it.  Instead, offer an alternative to the negative behavior.  For example, let’s say your child is coloring on your wall.  Rather than yelling, “No,” try a different approach such as, “Let’s do a picture together in your new coloring book.  Then, it can be a surprise for Grandma.” 
2. Control yourself- Children watch their parents. You’re modeling for them what is acceptable and unacceptable behavior, and children will learn the most from what your actions demonstrate.  If you yell, they will also.  Be mindful of what upsets you and makes you anxious.  Take steps to remain calm and keep the situation from escalating.  Your kids will notice. 
3. Consistency- We sometimes overlook or address behaviors based on the situation and our own energy level. This can confuse a child.  When we are clear on our expectations and consistent, children are less likely to test the limits.  Be simple in your directions.  If you’re using a chart or another method to track their behavior, make sure it’s not too difficult for the child to understand. 
4. Good behavior counts- Too often we give our kids more attention when they misbehave. When we choose to ignore negative behaviors, like whining, and highlight a good behavior instead, we show our kids what we truly value.  Because kids crave attention, they will automatically do whatever gets most attention whether good or bad.  The key is to recognize and encourage your child when their inappropriate behavior stops, or when the exhibit the desired behavior.  Use wisdom; if a child appears likely to cause harm to self, others or property do not ignore the negative behavior.    
5. Avoid bribery- When we offer our children bribes as incentives, they don’t associate good behavior as the reward itself. Help your child see that good behavior and choices bring their own rewards.
6. Give options- There’s nothing wrong with giving your child choices. For example: If a child is fighting with their sibling, explain to them you only have enough energy to either listen to their squabble or do something fun later.  This gives your children the choice rather than turning the situation into a bribe.
7. Rewards- Incentives can be powerful motivators for positive behavior.
   1. Responsibility- Trusting children to take care of certain tasks should be seen as a privilege. Responsibility is a reward in itself.  When it is framed this way, children will naturally desire to behave in a positive manner to gain more responsibilities. 
   2. Your attention- Giving a child your love, understanding, and attention is the best reward for any child. Setting aside time every day to spend with your child is the best way to influence their lives. 

Raising healthy, well-behaved children takes time, consistency, and patience.  Long-term habits in anyone’s life require time, and children are no exception.  The best results are not always immediate.  Stick with it and continue reinforcing your commitment.  Loving your child is always a worthwhile investment with life-long returns.    

 

Want to talk to a counselor today about this? 

Call Amplified Life at 800-453-7733 and ask for your “Free 15 Minute Phone Consultation" with one of our licensed counselors. We’ll listen, answer questions you may have, and help you plan next steps.

 

Sources:

http://www.pbs.org/parents/talkingwithkids/positive_discipline_tips.html

http://www.cwla.org/positiveparenting/tipsdiscipline.htm