children

Children and Divorce

Today, around one in two marriages end in divorce.  The majority of these occur with children under the age of 18.  Because parents can represent security for a child, children can become scared and confused when they see their parent(s) hurting or distracted.  Therefore, many parents worry about how the divorce will impact their children.

Talk with the Kids

Communicating clearly to your children is critical during the transition of a divorce.  Otherwise, children often misinterpret the situation and accept blame, thinking the divorce is their fault.  When possible, try to have both parents present to talk with the children.  Without a clear, civil conversation, kids often accept the responsibility of trying to get the parents back together.  The following key points will help guide your discussion:

• Tell your children what is happening.
• Explain how this will and won’t involve them.
• Ask your children what questions or concerns they have.
• Share with your children what the end result will be.

Child Reactions

Extra support and additional conversations will probably be necessary during this transitional time.  Children may experience physical, emotional, mental, and/or behavioral reactions to the divorce such as: 

• Younger children may regress to childhood behaviors they long outgrew. Desiring a pacifier, wetting the bed, and experiencing separation anxiety are common.
• Older children can experience feelings of guilt, anger, and possibly relief. Depression or anxiety may occur, as well as withdrawal from family and friends.  These emotions may trigger them to act out their anger through aggression.   

Symptoms and Behaviors to Watch

You may begin to notice some more serious symptoms or behaviors.  Do not feel like you are on your own.  There are a wide variety of support services available through your child’s school, community organizations, and medical and mental health professionals.  Monitor your children to gauge how they are handling the situation, and don’t hesitate to educate yourself about the resources in your community.

 

If your child is showing signs of aggression at home or school this is an indicator of internal struggle.  Children may withdraw from socialization and no longer cooperate with tasks.  There could be academic or behavioral problems at school.  Specific emotional symptoms might include low self-esteem, moodiness, irrational fears and repetitive behaviors, and a minimal desire to communicate with one or both parents. 

 

The Next Step

Many parents who divorce often start out “parallel parenting.”  Here, contact and communication between the former spouses is often quite limited.  Though the parents may be heading toward the same parenting goals for their children, their relationship may be fairly difficult.  In time, parents often move to “cooperative parenting.”  This occurs when ex-spouses are better able to communicate with one another.  Scheduling events and making decisions about the kids are made cooperatively. 

 

Strategies for the Family

Without exception, your family will experience change.  To minimize the potential negative effects of divorce, consider the following points of wisdom for you, the children, and the dual-households:

 

For You:

• Acknowledge- It’s perfectly acceptable to let your children know that what your family is going through is sad. When you express this, it gives your children permission to experience their emotions without feeling guilty or confused.
• Support- Look outside your children for your support during this emotionally charged time. It is not their responsibility or within their capability to maintain your emotional health. 
• Respect- Remember, your ex-spouse is still your child’s mother or father. Refrain from complaining about your former spouse’s flaws and faults in front of them.  Likewise, arguments you have should remain private.
• Be direct- Your children are not messengers or spies between you and your ex. Be direct when you need information and go straight to your former spouse.  It is unfair and awkward to use the kids as a go-between. 
• Be reliable- Keep your plans with your child. Do not cancel unless absolutely necessary.  If the unforeseen does arise, sincerely apologize to your child.  Stability and trust are fundamental needs during the divorce transition. 

For the Kids:

• Prepare- Keep the kids in the loop as much as possible. Springing last-minute changes and decisions on them increases the potential for anxiety, instability, and strained relationships.
• Keep it simple- Complicated and confusing details are not necessary when you talk to your kids. Keep conversations regarding their father or mother short, simple, and factual.  Avoid your commentary on the situation. 
• Give permission- Communicate with your child that you desire them to have a good, healthy, and loving relationship with your ex. Unless there is threat of danger (i.e. emotional, physical, or sexual abuse), give your child “permission” to enjoy and foster that relationship. 
• Release- Clearly affirm that divorce is between parents, not parents and children. Reiterate it is not their fault and release your children from any feelings of guilt. 
• Reassure- The importance of your love cannot be understated. Reassure your children you will always love them and be their parents.  Divorce cannot change that.

For the Household:

• Manage finances- Conversations about household finances, as they relate to your ex, and child support should remain private matters. Financial issues should not be discussed in front of the kids. 
• Have structure- If possible, try to establish similar rules in both households. Structure communicates stability.
• Establish a routine- A good routine in the midst of change is helpful. Your child will feel more secure when he or she clearly knows what to expect.

Divorce is painful, but there is help available.  Be willing to seek out family counseling or support groups if you feel that your family could benefit from them.  You are not the first to navigate the rough waters of divorce; allow the experience of others to help you in this time of transition.   

 

Want to talk to a counselor today about this? 

Call Amplified Life at 800-453-7733 and ask for your “Free 15 Minute Phone Consultation" with one of our licensed counselors. We’ll listen, answer questions you may have, and help you plan next steps.

Sources:

http://www.aacap.org/aacap/Families_and_Youth/Facts_for_Families/Facts_for_Families_Pages/Children_and_Divorce_01.aspx

http://www.aamft.org/imis15/content/consumer_updates/children_and_divorce.aspx

 

 

 

 

 

Teaching Kids about Finances

Financial skills are necessary for a successful life, but often people don’t start to learn them until they reach adulthood.  Personal finance and making smart financial decisions may not be included in your child’s school curriculum, but kids need to be taught about finances to prepare them for independence.  Parents should guide their young ones in sound money management as they have the greatest influence on a child’s financial practices.

Finances and Family

Kids learn by doing.  Research has indicated that children as young as three can understand the concept of saving and spending, and that children’s money habits are formed by age seven.  Therefore, it is never too early to begin teaching your children about money.  While it’s best to not share financial worries with your kids, talking with them about daily money decisions can be beneficial.  For example, engage in conversation about what to buy at the grocery store, where you shop, and how you pay bills. 

You can also show children how to handle money by implementing some form of an allowance.  Not every task should require payment, so it’s good to have kids do some chores simply because they are part of the family.  At the same time, paying your child for larger projects around the house can be a teaching tool for money management and helps to develop a strong work ethic.  Consider developing a “401” account where you match every dollar they set aside in savings.  Their excitement will build as they watch their account double whenever they choose to save instead of spend.

 

Lessons Through the Ages:

Children are ready to handle the beginning concepts of basic money management from preschool onward.  Consider these financial tips through the stages of your child’s development:

• Preschool Age Lessons:
  • Teach patience- Communicate to your child that we can’t buy everything we want right away, and that sometimes we have to wait. Every trip to the store does not mean a purchase. 
  • Separate- Help your preschool child divide up birthday or chore money between what is saved, shared, and spent. For example, consider labeling three jars “save,” “share,” and “spend.”  This also serves as a visual aid, since little ones can easily see the money separated between jars. 
  • Set goals- Work with your child to set a savings goal for something he or she wants to buy and then do regular check-ins to help them see how much they’ve saved and how much is still needed.
• Elementary School Age Lessons:
  • Teach limits- Your child should be able to understand that there isn’t an endless supply of money. There are real limitations, and you have to make choices about your spending.
  • Make decisions- Have your child help with a family financial decision. For example, allow your child to pick out some items at the grocery store.  Share the cost differences between things like name brand and generic, and individual items versus buying in bulk.  Give them a few dollars, and allow the choice to be theirs. 
  • Vocalize- Talk through some of the questions you ask yourself when making purchases, such as, “Do we really need this today?” or, “Is this something I can borrow?”
• Middle School Age Lessons:
  • Teach compound interest- Compound interest is when you make money, or interest, on both your savings and the interest you have already accrued. Teach your child about how to make money work for you.  Practice the math of compound interest with them and use online tools to assist with more difficult math. 
  • Teach restraint- Help your middle school child refrain from small purchases when they are saving. Exercising restraint to save for a larger toy or item is an invaluable skill.
• High School Age Lessons:
  • Compare- Show your child the differences between college costs and help them compare educational options. Teach them that education is a worthwhile investment in their future by comparing salaries of those with a high school diploma and those with a college degree.
  • Plan for the future- Explain to your high school child what your plans are to save for their future. Communicate your financial plans, if any, toward their college education.  This eliminates the guesswork regarding your involvement as he or she determines college plans. 
  • Research- There is a wide array of college grants and scholarships available. Discuss these options with your child, and research the pros and cons of student loans and the government programs available to help pay back that debt.    

Teaching your children about money is necessary and can also be fun.  One of the best ways to help them learn is to engage them in the financial decision-making activities in your household.  Simply lecturing about good money principles is not nearly as successful as hands-on experience.  As an added bonus, you might discover something that will improve your own financial planning.    

 

Want to talk to a counselor today about this? 

Call Amplified Life at 800-453-7733 and ask for your “Free 15 Minute Phone Consultation" with one of our licensed counselors. We’ll listen, answer questions you may have, and help you plan next steps.

 

Sources:

http://www.forbes.com/sites/laurashin/2013/10/15/the-5-most-important-money-lessons-to-teach-your-kids/

 

 

Talking to Young People about Tough Issues

The intensity of today’s life issues can be challenging for any adult, so discussing them with an adolescent can be even more complicated.  Many parents feel inadequate talking through intimidating topics like sex, drug use, peer pressure, bullying, and teen pregnancy.  The following tips on communication, parental reactions, and responsibilities can help you navigate conversations with a young person about the tough issues he or she could face:

Communication Strategies

• Treat individually- Every child is unique and responds differently to tough issues. Consider where your teen feels most comfortable talking and expressing concerns and questions.  For some teens, a chat in their bedroom works.  Others might feel free to open up while riding in the car or out on a walk.  Just remember that what works for one child may not for all. 
• Share facts- Be sure to provide your child with helpful, accurate information. Do your research and don’t make things up in an attempt to scare or overwhelm them.  Share how to find quality information on the Internet and how to avoid false “facts.”
• Look for conversation starters- Be on the lookout for ways to bring up a tough topic. Sometimes a television show or news story can be a great way to gauge how they’re feeling about an issue.  Watch their body language.  Openly share your feelings in the conversation too. 
• Have multiple talks- Multiple conversations are best for difficult topics. Your teen might have more in-depth questions as they get older and experience things differently.  Therefore, it’s wise to not make tough issues a one-time conversation. 

Parental Reactions

• Spare the lectures- The goal is to have a conversation with mutual discussion. Lectures often scare teens and/or cause them to shut down emotionally.  When they feel heard, they are more likely to listen.
• Cut out distractions- Make sure you are in the right state of mind to discuss a difficult topic. To truly hear your child’s thoughts, eliminate as many distractions as possible.  This means silencing your cell phone, turning off the television, and giving your child your undivided attention. 
• Don’t assume- You don’t know what your teen does or doesn’t know about a topic. They may have misconceptions about issues like sex or drug use.  Quite possibly, they know much more than you think they should or would.  Most importantly, if they do ask you a question, don’t assume it means they’re engaging in the behavior.  They are coming to you in safety and trust, so making assumptions is a surefire way to jeopardize the relationship.
• Stay calm- When your teen sees you panicking and anxious about a situation, they’re less likely to open up. Remain composed by listening and asking open-ended (not “yes” or “no”) questions.  Make sure your tone of voice doesn’t sound accusatory.
• Model healthy reactions- Children are always watching us. They’re looking to see how we react to difficult situations (i.e. a death, crisis, bad decision, or another loss of some kind).  Our actions will give them far more information than our conversations will. 

Parental Responsibilities

• Share feelings and values- Your teen knows you have opinions, emotions, and values. It’s important to explain why you feel how you do.  If they know what’s important to you, they’ll be more likely to consider their own priorities when facing a tough situation. 
• See the big picture- When discussing good choices, it’s important to talk about what motivates that decision. Educate your teen about how making good choices allows us to lead good lives and meet our goals.   
• Do not criticize- Occasionally, you may overhear your teen talking about another friend’s questionable decisions. Be cautious not to criticize and jump to conclusions.  Walk through the potential consequences of that behavior and listen to what your teen thinks about the situation.
• Pay attention to media- Raising adolescents in a media-saturated world also provides unique challenges. For example, more than 75 percent of prime-time programs show the excitement of sexual activity, while only 14 percent demonstrate the risks and responsibilities.[i]  It’s important to be aware of what your teen’s watching.  Better yet, make some popcorn and share some screen time together.  Showing interest in their likes is a great way to build bridges for communication. 
• Follow up- Typically, today’s teens do more of their talking via text than face-to-face or by phone. Consider sending your teens a positive text to follow-up after discussing a tough topic.  There’s no need to feel intimidated or try to be someone you’re not.  Simply text as you would talk.  “Thanks for sharing your thoughts with me.  Love you,” is a great way to communicate your appreciation, attention, and love. 

Finally, it’s important to praise a teen when they are honest with you about tough issues.  Help them understand that having a humble attitude and telling the truth will minimize a possible punishment.  Remaining calm and nonjudgmental shows your child you’re a safe place and an ally, and they will be more likely to approach you with tough topics in the future. 

 

Want to talk to a counselor today about this? 

Call Amplified Life at 800-453-7733 and ask for your “Free 15 Minute Phone Consultation" with one of our licensed counselors. We’ll listen, answer questions you may have, and help you plan next steps.

 

Sources:

http://www.hhs.gov/ash/oah/resources-and-publications/info/parents/get-started/

http://www.hhs.gov/ash/oah/resources-and-publications/info/parents/conversation-tools/

 

 

[i] Strasburger, V. C. (2010). Sexuality, contraception, and the media. Pediatrics, 126(3), 576-582

 

Identifying Troubled Children

Often children are unable to cope positively with change or stress in their lives.  These transitions can leave them feeling frustrated and angry, and they can behave in ways that indicate they are at risk for emotional and social difficulties.

Predictors of Behavioral Problems

Negative behavioral patterns in children can be linked to the following three main areas within a child’s life:

• Nature of the community- Children who are exposed to violence or abuse are more likely to develop behavioral issues. In addition, when there are financial difficulties or trouble gaining assistance, a child might begin to act out negatively.  These environments cause children to learn suspicion, and they distrust others’ motives.  When resources don’t exist in schools or communities, this heightens the developmental challenge. 
• Families- With a difficult child, parents may focus solely on his or her misbehavior, failing to praise a child for appropriate choices. Physical, emotional, or sexual abuse can easily lead to behavioral problems, and stress within the family may cause a child to react in an unpredictable manner.
• Individual differences- Early childhood trauma, as well as genetics, can play a role in negative behavioral patterns. If children are impulsive or inattentive from a young age, they might struggle to develop emotionally, socially, and cognitively.

Early Warning Signs

Not every kid who exhibits one or more of these signs is a troubled child.  However, it’s important to consider these early warning signs:

• Emotional
  • Feeling alone, unworthy, or rejected
  • Having difficulty controlling anger
  • Mood swings or persistent sadness
• Social
  • Not having friends
  • Withdrawing from friends and family
  • Lacking interest in school
  • Harboring intense prejudice toward those who are different
• Abuse
  • Experiencing abuse (physical, emotional, sexual)
  • Substance abuse (alcohol, drugs, tobacco)
• Violence
  • Writings and drawings that are violent in nature
  • Experiencing violence
  • Interest in or joining a gang
  • Owning or having access to weapons
  • Bullying, threatening, or intimidating others
  • Hitting others or using physical violence against a person, animal, or property

Helping Troubled Children

Identifying and helping children with behavioral problems is not one person’s responsibility.  It takes a community of people who are committed to looking for warning signs, as prevention is the most effective strategy.  The following tools can guide you to help troubled children: 

• Know developmental milestones- Sometimes we might think a behavior is a warning sign of future problems. In reality, it could be developmentally appropriate for the child’s age.  It’s important to understand when and how children pass developmental milestones.  Learning to interact socially and emotionally takes time, and each child’s progression is slightly different.
• Understand the behavior- Consider the rationale behind the behavior. Many troubled children have aggressive and violent tendencies because they don’t know how to cope with life’s stresses.  No one has modeled for them positive coping methods, and perhaps the child has only been shown attention for their misbehavior.  Empathizing with the child is key to understanding the causes behind the behavior. 
• Develop a caring relationship- Children will open up when they feel safe. Listen to their concerns and help them feel heard.  Avoid punishing only negative behaviors and take opportunities to reward positive choices.  Modeling healthy coping methods in your own life reinforces positive behavior as well. 
• Take threats seriously- Get help immediately if a child threatens to harm themselves or others. Be sure there isn’t access to weapons or other means of inflicting self-harm.  Alert authorities, teachers, school officials, etc., to prevent action on any verbal or written threats.  No one person can be with a child 24 hours a day.  Involve the necessary individuals to help oversee the child and situation. 
• Don’t stereotype a child- Troubled behavior is not a reason to punish and isolate a child. Stereotyping or labeling a child can also be damaging, so don’t assume that academic ability, socioeconomic status, or physical appearances are signs of troubled behavior.  Also, one warning sign does not necessarily indicate a troubled child. 
• Don’t blame yourself- Many parents assume blame, thinking they are responsible for their child’s behavior. There are multiple factors involved in predicting troubled behavior, and many of these are outside a parent’s control.  Guilt is never a helpful emotion.  Instead, focus on being there for your child and helping them get the support and care they need. 

Identifying a troubled child is not assigning them a lifelong diagnosis.  Children with behavioral problems don’t have to become troubled adults.  Mental health professionals and school staff are available to teach positive ways to cope with life stressors as a child transitions to adolescence or adulthood.  The best strategy for success is surrounding yourself with a team of individuals who are willing and able to support both you and your child.

 

Want to talk to a counselor today about this? 

Call Amplified Life at 800-453-7733 and ask for your “Free 15 Minute Phone Consultation" with one of our licensed counselors. We’ll listen, answer questions you may have, and help you plan next steps.

 

Sources: http://www.nasponline.org/resources/crisis_safety/suicidept1_general.aspx