Marriage Matters

Leaving an Abusive Relationship

Domestic abuse is defined as a pattern of behaviors used by one partner to maintain power and control over another partner in an intimate relationship. Every abusive relationship is different, but there is one commonality: the abusive partner does many things to establish and maintain power and control over their partner.

Domestic abuse can include physical and sexual violence, threats and intimidation, emotional abuse, and economic deprivation. A relationship does not need to be violent to be abusive, but the danger of being seriously injured or killed greatly increases within relationships that include physical and sexual violence.

People who are in an abusive relationship may feel confused, afraid, angry, or trapped. All of these emotions are normal responses to abuse. If you are in an abusive relationship, you may also blame yourself for what is happening, but the truth is that you are never responsible for your partner’s abusive behaviors.

Despite promises and pleas from the abusive partner, change rarely occurs. Rather, the intensity and frequency of the abuse often increases and escalates over time.

How to Get out of an Abusive Relationship

Abusive partners often do and say things to shift the blame onto the victim or even deny that the abuse ever took place. There are many other reasons people stay in abusive relationships and leaving can often be very complicated.

Leaving can also be the most dangerous time for a victim of abuse. Because abuse is about power and control, leaving the relationship is the victim taking control and the abusive partner’s power is threatened. This could cause the abusive partner to retaliate in destructive ways.

If you are in an abusive relationship, there is help available to you. There are local, state, and national organizations dedicated to helping you leave, be in a safe space, and gain control of your life and wellbeing. These organizations can help you create a safety plan.

A safety plan will map out preparing to leave, when you leave, and after you leave. It will plan ways to cope with emotions, tell friends and family about the abuse, take legal action, and more. Having a safety plan laid out in advance can help you protect yourself in stressful moments.

Preparing to Leave

As mentioned above, leaving an abusive relationship can escalate the abuse. It is important to take certain actions as you are preparing to leave:

• Keep evidence of physical abuse (pictures of injuries)
• In a safe place, keep a journal of all violent incidences (noting dates), and of events and threats made, if possible
• Know where you can get help. Tell someone what is happening to you
• If you are injured, seek medical help and ask that your visit is documented
• Plan with your children and identify a safe place for them
• Contact your local shelter and find out about laws and other resources available to you before you have to use them during a crisis
• Try to set money aside or ask family or friends to hold money for you

Leaving an Abusive Relationship

As you create your safety plan, you can make a plan for how and where you will escape quickly. You may ask for a police escort or stand-by when you leave. If you have to leave in a hurry, try to take as many of the following items as possible:

• Driver’s license/identification/passports
• Birth certificate and children’s birth certificates
• Social security cards
• Checking/savings account books, money, financial information
• Legal protective order (if you have one in place)
• Copies of lease/rental agreements or deed to your home
• Car registration and insurance papers
• Health and life insurance papers
• Medical records for you and your children
• Medications
• Valuable jewelry
• Pictures/sentimental items

After you Leave

There are precautions to take after you leave to keep you and your family safe. Below are some examples, though you may want to collaborate with domestic abuse organizations that can help you  create a detailed safety plan specific to your situation.

• Call law enforcement to enforce the protective order and give copies of the restraining order to employers, neighbors, and school officials along with a picture of the offender
• Get caller ID and screen your calls, maintain a different daily routine, go to work different hours and take a different route
• Change the route in taking your children to and from school, or consider changing their schools
• Use different stores and reschedule appointments the offender may be aware of
• Install security systems if possible, and replace wooden doors with steel or metal doors

Though leaving an abusive relationship can be complicated and require many changes in your life, there is help available to you for every step along the way.

 

Want to talk to a counselor today about this? 

Call us at 800-453-7733 and ask for your “Free 15 Minute Phone Consultation" with one of our licensed counselors. We’ll listen, answer questions you may have, and help you plan next steps.

 

Sources:

https://www.thehotline.org/help/

https://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/domestic-violence-and-abuse.htm

 

Getting a Divorce

The reality of marriage and the day-to-day struggles lead some couples to pursue divorce. Many times, divorce simply brings different challenges. Before you make that final decision, it’s important to consider all divorce entails.

Thinking It Through

If you are contemplating a divorce you should ask yourself, and your spouse if possible, some potentially difficult questions. Both introspection and interpersonal communication with your spouse are key when evaluating the severity of a divorce. Use the following ideas to springboard these critical conversations.

• Introspection-
  • Why do I want to get divorced? Do I imagine life would be easier alone or with a different partner? Invest some time thinking about your expectations after a divorce.
  • Would I be happier with someone else? If another love interest is involved, your emotions are likely contributing to a romanticized, active imagination. The daily challenges of a new marriage could alter that mental picture. Though you might be happy with a different spouse, new or similar problems might also arise. With some helpful direction or counsel, it’s possible you could be happier with your current spouse.
• Interpersonal Communication-
  • Did we try everything? Marital problems can easily lead one to feel lost, stressed, confused, angry, and hurting. Ask your spouse if they are interested in pursuing marriage counseling, talking with a religious leader, or working on the marriage in another way.
  • Who will stay in the home? Who will get what? The logistics of a spouse moving out or selling a home are real. Splitting what you own and what you owe is necessary. Any marital debt will be split halfway, regardless of whose name is attached to the debt. As much as possible, speaking with your spouse alone on these topics will save time and money. A trained divorce mediator can also help navigate these discussions.
  • What should custody look like? How will you co-parent? Who will talk with the children about these upcoming changes? Divorce drastically affects the emotions and lifestyle of children. Other points to consider are:
    • Will the children have to move homes or change schools?
    • What is each partner’s availability to care for the children?
    • Are you both open to co-parenting, working together toward consistent discipline, communication, and involvement?
    • How will you communicate the separation or divorce to your children? Keep in mind the child’s age, their coping style, and how close they feel to an individual parent.

Walking Through a Divorce

The divorce process varies by state. Usually one person is required to file a petition for divorce. After filing, the other party is formally served divorce papers. A limited amount of time is allowed for said party to respond in writing. Failure to do so may find the served spouse in default. When a party is in default, the case will continue without them, and the individual may lose their rights and ability to participate in the case.

 

Many states allow “no fault” divorces, meaning that one spouse did not necessarily wrong the other. No specific reasons need be offered either. Many couples simply claim “irreconcilable differences.”

 

Legal Expertise

Whether your divorce proceedings are emotionally-charged or civil, it’s important to have someone advocating for you. When looking to hire an attorney, consider interviewing at least three divorce attorneys to find one that fits your comfort level. A minimum of five years of experience practicing family and divorce law is highly beneficial. Look for a competent attorney, who is comfortable presenting before a judge if needed. In cases of abuse or domestic violence, a divorce lawyer can offer direction toward support agencies during the separation period.

 

A divorce attorney will meet with their client before drafting the divorce petition. Financial records, property, assets, and child custody/support will be discussed thoroughly. Your legal counsel will develop a plan for distribution of assets between both parties.

 

Not all divorce proceedings go to trial. Lawyers often assist couples in communication, negotiations, and other collaborative divorce techniques. If no agreements can be made, a case may proceed to trial where a judge will determine the outcome.

 

Protecting Assets

Starting over financially or separating joint accounts may seem daunting. Consider the following financial advice to begin your next life chapter.

• Prove income- Collect pay stubs and old tax returns to provide proof of income.
• Budget- Consider what your post-divorce budget will be. This information can help you determine what to ask for in a divorce settlement.
• Establish credit- Apply for your own credit cards. Build credit by using these sparingly and paying the total balance each month.
• Open and close accounts- If you share a bank account with your spouse, document any withdrawals. Share this information openly with your attorney. Open an account in your own name, especially if you’re concerned about misappropriation of funds. Close joint accounts as quickly as possible and place a freeze on your joint credit cards.

If you or your spouse are unable or unwilling to continue the marriage, be prepared to make smart choices. Should your divorce proceedings go into litigation, actions and/or poor decisions will be scrutinized. Avoid gregarious partying, dating, and other reckless choices. Most certainly remember, if children are involved, this divorce will undoubtedly affect the whole family. Use this experience to draw closer with your children by modeling common courtesy, maturity, wisdom, and kindness.

 

Want to talk to a counselor today about this? 

Call us at 800-453-7733 and ask for your “Free 15 Minute Phone Consultation" with one of our licensed counselors. We’ll listen, answer questions you may have, and help you plan next steps.

 

Sources:

https://www.thespruce.com/what-to-consider-before-divorcing-with-kids-2997368

https://family-law.freeadvice.com/family-law/divorce_law/no-fault_divorce.htm

http://marriagecounselingblog.com/marriage-counseling/things-to-consider-before-you-divorce/

https://legalassistancecenter.org/get-help/divorce/

https://www.liveabout.com/things-to-do-before-you-file-for-a-divorce-1103072

 

Managing the Stress of Parenting

Being a parent provides many fulfilling and beautiful moments. Often, parenthood can encompass the majority of your schedule and is at the forefront of your mind. Occasionally, you might have more trouble coping with the responsibilities of parenting. Learning about stress can be a valuable life lesson.

Stress

Most of the time stress is easy to identify. However, sometimes you might prefer to blame how you are feeling on something else. If you are noticing any of the following symptoms, you might have a high stress level:

• Headaches, stomachaches, or chest pain/heavy chest
• Muscle tension/pain
• Fatigue, sleep problems
• Anxiety, feeling restless, feeling overwhelmed
• Irritability, anger
• Lack of motivation or focus
• Depression, sadness

Many of these symptoms can be attributed to other causes, but if you notice that you also have had a significant lifestyle change – increasing drug or alcohol use, increasing or decreasing how much you eat, are fighting more often, or are not participating in activities that you enjoy – you could be experiencing stress.

Stress is a normal reaction to environmental changes and helps to prepare the body to prioritize and act as necessary to respond to the changes. At times, stress can become constant. The changes that stress causes in the body are helpful in short bursts, but can be hurtful if prolonged, leading to high blood pressure, weight gain, heart disease, diabetes and mental health issues.

Another important side effect of your stress is the impact it has on your children. While many parents think that they can hide their stress, children are able to notice and when parents are stressed and be bothered by it. Stress can make you less understanding and more critical of your child. It can also decrease the quality of your relationship with your children. Furthermore, how you handle your stress is one of the first examples that your children have for how to handle their own stress.

Tips to Handle Stress

Even if you are not feeling the effects of stress, incorporating these tips into your family’s activities can help to prevent stress and teach healthy coping.

• Do a stress self-assessment – Increase awareness of your own habits by asking yourself how you handle stress. Do you drink alcohol or smoke cigarettes? Eat a special treat? Blow off steam by yelling? By paying attention to what choices you make when stressed, you have a firm basis for knowing what might need to be adapted.
• Take some “Me Time” – Being a parent is a 24 hour job. However, taking some time to be you and to relax and rejuvenate can make a significant difference in the quality of parenting that you can provide. Spend time with friends, read a book, go for a walk, take a bath, or re-connect with your spouse over a date night. If finding or affording a babysitter is a challenge, look into community events or gyms that offer free childcare.
• Build healthy habits – Developing a solid routine full of the fundamentals of health can prevent stress from taking over. Make sure to eat as many nutritious foods as you can and eat regularly throughout the day. It is also important to stay hydrated, get enough sleep, and get regular physical activity. Bonus: most children also respond well to consistent schedules.
• Increase quality time – Maybe it is time to say no to extracurricular activities and yes to spending a night at home with the family. Or find a creative way to build quality family time into your schedule.
• Talk – If you are feeling stressed, or notice that your child is, talk about it and help them to understand what role emotions play in life. You may also want to consider talking to a mental health professional, if your stress does not seem to be improving.

Single Parents

If you are raising children on your own, you face some unique stressors. The following tips can help to keep stress at a minimum.

• Know your budget – Financial issues can add up quickly, so keep to your budget. If you need a job or financial assistance paying for groceries or bills, contact employment agencies or local community services for assistance.
• Use support systems – Join a single parent group, keep regular contact with friends, and make connections with other community services. No one can do it totally alone and you need to find appropriate sources of support and sympathy. Your pediatrician or doctor’s office can provide helpful connections to community services if you feel like you do not know where to start.
• Plan child care – Have a list of trusted babysitters ready for any instance where you may need to go somewhere without your children.
• Use consistent discipline – Perhaps your child will be alternating between the home of each parent. Try to work together to provide as consistent a discipline method as possible.
• Talk – Provide time to allow your children to express their thoughts and feelings on any changes in the family, and talk with them – at an appropriate developmental level – to keep them in the loop.

 

Want to talk to a counselor today about this? 

Call Amplified Life at 800-453-7733 and ask for your “Free 15 Minute Phone Consultation" with one of our licensed counselors. We’ll listen, answer questions you may have, and help you plan next steps.

 

 

Sources

• https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-race-good-health/201306/4-tips-managing-parenting-stress
• https://www.healthychildren.org/English/family-life/family-dynamics/types-of-families/Pages/Stresses-of-Single-Parenting.aspx
• http://www.apa.org/helpcenter/managing-stress.aspx
• http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/stress-management/in-depth/stress-symptoms/art-20050987

 

Healing after Infidelity

For many individuals, the opportunity to enter into a relationship outside of marriage or a committed relationship has presented itself. It might be with a co-worker, new acquaintance, high-school fling, or an online contact. When a couple has committed to an exclusive and permanent relationship, engaging in unsuitable interactions can break trust and tarnish the marriage or long-term relationship. For those who believe in the permanence of marriage or commitment, finding a way to heal after these events is vital.

Defining Infidelity

The basic translation of infidelity is “unfaithful.” Being unfaithful might include a variety of actions, including emotional, physical, and mental choices. While physical infidelity can be the most obvious, including hand-holding, caressing, kissing, and sexual acts, it is not the only way to cheat. Engaging in an emotional affair can also cause damage to a marriage.

Upon being discovered, the person who is in an emotional affair may claim that it is just a “friendship.” However, it is different than making a new friend; an emotional affair includes deep conversations about matters that should be and previously were reserved for the spouse. Often, the person experiences a need to hide this relationship, but works to make sure that specific time and effort are put into it.

Healing after an affair is possible, and the following tips can help it along.  

For the Spouse who Cheated

1. End the Affair – One of the quickest things that can be done to encourage healing and re-build trust in your long-term relationship is to stop talking to and seeing your previous lover. Promise to your spouse that you will not interact with this person anymore. If you work with the person, keep interactions professional and tell your spouse. You might want to look into getting a new job. Alternatively, consider blocking their contact info in your phone or computer.
2. Be Honest – Speaking with your significant other is going to be difficult. If you want to build up trust, the best thing to do is to answer any question that they ask. If they find out details about the affair later, they might feel newly betrayed which can delay healing and reconciliation.
3. Empathy and Patience – Betrayal is a difficult barrier to get over, especially if you are angry that your partner can’t “get over it.” Your choices had a strong effect on your significant other, causing pain and breaking trust; the sooner you offer them understanding, the better chance that healing can occur. Also, try not to expect a quick reconciliation as there will probably be a lot of tears, questions, anger, and conversations before you are completely forgiven.
4. Own Up – Take responsibility for your choices and your part in the affair. Blaming your partner for anything that you believe led you to cheat on him/her will not bring healing. Apologize for what you did, and the pain you caused. Admit to what you have done wrong in the relationship, and commit to working on those issues.

For the Spouse who was Betrayed

1. Ask Questions – While it may seem counter-intuitive, having more information can help bring about healing. The more you talk with your significant other, the more you can learn about what choices she made, and what choices she wants to continue to make. Your partner can use this time to re-build a sense of trust, as she chooses to embrace honesty as an important part in your relationship again. Questions may range from facts about the affair, to asking about the weak points in your own relationship that might need to be strengthened. You should also consider asking about what your partner wants for the future, including if she want to continue seeing the lover, repair your relationship, seek counseling, or something else.
2. Control Your Emotions – This is an emotional situation, but adding intense reactions to your conversations with your partner will not be helpful. If you want to gain a sense of understanding and healing, practice taking deep breaths throughout the conversation. If your significant other sees that you are upset, it might prevent him from sharing all of the information that needs to be said.
3. Focus on the Affair – Take time to focus on the affair and take a time-out if needed. Use this time to talk about your feelings with your partner: your worries, upset, shame, and feelings of betrayal.  As you move forward in repairing your relationship, it can be helpful to limit how long you talk about the affair. Try limiting conversations to 30 minutes, or so. Ask questions as they come up so that you do not develop a long set concerns or feel too upset. Your spouse might struggle with a sense of self during this time, so limiting conversation time can be productive for both of you.
4. Focus on Your Relationship – It will be important to re-build a sense of intimacy with your partner, especially as he is distancing himself from his lover. Spend time together to help build connection and enjoyment around shared activities, fun events, and meaningful friends and family. Re-discover what your values and goals are and discuss these. Talk about the things that you want to work on together, to make your relationship strong.
5. Find Support – Joining a support group or speaking with a counselor can help you process this situation. You might consider seeking individual support, or support that is geared for you and your significant other together. It might be helpful to include some friends or family members, especially if they knew about the affair. Healing the relationship will include having supportive family and friends who can encourage and help you practice forgiveness to your partner.
6. Forgive – Forgiveness does not mean that you are okay with what happened. Take your time to process through your thoughts and feelings surrounding the affair. When you are ready, forgiving your significant other will help you to get rid of negative feelings and will help you to move forward. 

 

Want to talk to a counselor today about this? 

Call Amplified Life at 800-453-7733 and ask for your “Free 15 Minute Phone Consultation" with one of our licensed counselors. We’ll listen, answer questions you may have, and help you plan next steps.

 

 Resources Used

• http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/infidelity/art-20048424
• http://www.rd.com/advice/relationships/15-steps-to-surviving-an-affair/
• http://www.leaderu.com/offices/stoll/marriage.html
• https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/life-gets-better/201406/emotional-affairs-why-they-hurt-so-much
• http://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/features/emotional-cheating-guilty#1

Conflict Resolution for Couples

All relationships experience conflict.  Even a good relationship has its share of ups and downs.  What makes a healthy relationship is not a lack of conflict.  How both partners manage and resolve conflict determines an open, honest, and successful relationship.

Causes of Conflict

 

There is no shortage of potential conflicts for relationships today given the external and internal stressors we all face.  Fears, differences, and expectations also play a large role in relational troubles.  Some partners fear rejection or a loss of independence.  Conflict might arise as a result of the couple’s different personalities, values, or beliefs.  Perhaps, one partner is expecting too much of the other.  When a couple is unable to agree on what the problem is, it is unlikely they will agree on how to solve it.  These are all common reasons for relational conflicts. 

 

Tolls on a Relationship

Resolving issues in a relationship requires work, but the toll of unresolved conflict is even greater.  These byproducts cause stress that flows into other areas of our lives, affecting us physically, emotionally, and financially.  Couples may experience a decrease in intimacy, as well as feelings of resentment, relational insecurity, and financial instability.  Communication might become difficult, as conversation about anything other than the conflict decreases.  Individuals may also experience lower self-esteem as a result of unresolved conflict.

 

Dealing with Conflict

There are healthy and unhealthy ways of dealing with conflict.  When one partner makes all the decisions, the other might feel undervalued and resent this misuse of power.  On the flip side, if both partners avoid conflict, the problem will linger and escalate.  Partners will continue to play their roles to the best of their abilities, but the problem will never be resolved if it’s not addressed.  These are both examples of unhealthy ways to deal with conflict.

 

The best strategy for approaching conflict is for both partners to share their thinking, knowing the relationship itself gets the final vote.  Many times if a couple can focus on what’s best for the relationship as a whole, they are able to put aside their individual preferences and find compromise. 

 

Conflict Resolution Process

Here are some practical guidelines to help you work through potentially difficult relationship conversations:

1. Be respectful- The words we speak only comprise a percentage of what’s communicated. Pay attention to both the verbal and nonverbal messages you are sending.  Details like how you sit, your tone of voice, and the words you choose should communicate to your partner how much you value them.  This will also demonstrate your commitment to the relationship.
   1. Yelling- The volume of your voice will not change your partner’s mind. A gentle tone might diffuse the situation and allow for open dialogue.  Conversely, yelling could anger one or both of you and discourage your partner from further communication.
   2. Positives- Try to focus on each other’s strengths and positive attributes. Discuss how you’ve overcome past obstacles without going into detail.  Knowing you’ve already worked through past challenges will help you stay realistic as you face this conflict.
   3. Affirm- Start and end by affirming your love. While your partner may know you love them, expressing it again communicates that you value their thoughts and feelings.  It might even help calm the situation.
2. Use active listening- Do your best to understand the thoughts and feelings behind your partner’s words and body language. This is called active, or empathic listening.  Put yourself in your partner’s shoes to experience what they are saying and feeling.  You should be able to explain back to them how you understand their take on the situation. 
   1. Ownership- Consider that you also might have made a mistake. If you are willing to explore how your actions made your partner feel, you’re more likely to make positive changes.  In turn, your partner’s likelihood to consider his or her role in the problem increases. 
   2. Cool down- If you’re extremely angry, you might need some time to cool down before you can truly hear what your partner is saying. Take a step back and a quick time-out before resuming conversation.  This will help keep emotions under control. 
3. Share your side- Explain your feelings, needs, and understanding of the situation. Be as brief and factual as possible without shaming your partner.  Share your emotional response to the situation.  Offer your suggestion for how to resolve the conflict.
   1. Trigger words- Avoid generalizations, exaggerations, and words like “always” and “never.” Give clear, specific examples instead of sweeping statements like, “You never do this,” or “You always do that.”
   2. Emotional abuse- Name-calling and other insults may feel good in the moment, but you will regret this behavior. Emotional abuse is not worth it.

Learning to work through conflict in a relationship might not happen overnight.  Be patient, as constructing a solution takes time and practice.  However, the more you’re able to hear each other and control your emotional reactivity, the greater the energy you’ll have to work on the relationship and create a viable solution. 

 

Want to talk to a counselor today about this? 

Call Amplified Life at 800-453-7733 and ask for your “Free 15 Minute Phone Consultation" with one of our licensed counselors. We’ll listen, answer questions you may have, and help you plan next steps.

 

Sources:

http://oscr.umich.edu/article/tips-and-tools-constructive-conflict-resolution

http://www.ces.ncsu.edu/depts/fcs/pdfs/fcs-466-4.pdf

 

 

 

 

 

 

Conflict Resolution

Everyone faces conflict in varying degrees at some point in life.  Because conflict happens in any relationship, including those at work and at home, no one is immune to its complexities.  How we choose to deal with conflict is unique, as everyone brings his or her own personality and experiences to these difficulties.

Conflict Defined

A conflict is a difference of opinions, priorities, or perspectives, whether friendly or hostile.  Because people react differently to conflict, the situation may be difficult to assess.  Sometimes people disguise conflict in sarcasm or cynicism, or they pretend the problem doesn’t exist. How you perceive it largely determines the role it will play in your life.  Those who view conflict as a threat usually experience anxiety and stress, and those who see it as an opportunity for growth can overcome it and even benefit from conflict.

 

Conflict in the Workplace

One environment where conflict is common is in the workplace.  We spend the bulk of our time there and often can’t choose our co-workers.  Since conflict is inevitable, there are real benefits to improving your resolution skills.  Some of the paybacks include improved relationships, a smoother working environment, fewer delays in production, increased communication, and improved health as tension symptoms decrease.  The following strategies will help you in your workplace conflict resolution:

• Create acceptable behaviors- If you are an employer, provide a handbook of policies outlining acceptable ways to resolve conflict. Give clear examples to demonstrate and model good behavior for your team.  If you are the employee who is caught in a conflict situation, establish what acceptable and unacceptable forms of behavior are.  This will serve as a guide to know if you or someone else is crossing a line.
• Tackle potential conflict- If you sense tension in the workplace, take a proactive stance. Does a relationship feel strained, or do you feel a disagreement brewing?  Calmly confront the other individual with honesty.  This could prevent a future blowup from occurring. 
• Choose your battles- Not every little item is worth the conflict. There are times to take responsibility for your own emotions, perspectives, and opinions.  But there are also legitimate reasons to resolve conflict between you and a co-worker.  Knowing when to let things slide and when to take action about conflict makes for a more successful work environment.  
• See growth in conflict- Being able to resolve conflict in relationships is a sign of maturity. When you are able to view conflict, at work or home, as an opportunity for growth instead of something to be avoided, you will be able to reach a resolution more easily and earn the respect of others. 

Take Action through Listening

In the middle of a conflict, you might find yourself tuning the other person out to better prepare your argument.  If you find yourself waiting your turn to speak instead of legitimately listening, you will probably remain stuck right in the middle of the problem.  The following tips demonstrate how to resolve conflict with listening skills:

• Listen actively- Active listening aims to understand the thoughts, feelings, and emotions behind what the other person is saying. What are the assumptions, cultural values, and beliefs behind his or her message?  What does their body language say?  Paying attention to these details will also help you understand what is motivating their behavior and help you be able to put yourself in their shoes. 
• Acknowledge the message- You don’t have to agree with the other person to respect and validate their opinion. Recognize their value as a fellow human being and affirm the importance of their beliefs.  Listening is a way to communicate their worth and your respect, both in your verbal and nonverbal language. 
• Know your message- Before you respond, consider your own emotions and thoughts about the situation in conflict. Gather these thoughts before the conversation occurs, so that you can be prepared and be ready to listen to the response.  Otherwise, you may be tempted to form your own rebuttal while the other person is speaking.  Pre-determine how you can best communicate your needs, interests, values, and principles.

 

Conflict in life is guaranteed and often it will be unexpected.  When you are able to calmly respond to an individual your viewpoint is more likely to be understood.  No one wants to feel like the other person is simply trying to win an argument.  Using statements beginning with “I” instead of “you” is another helpful way to diffuse tension.  For example, “I felt frustrated when you didn’t follow through with your commitment,” is very different than, “You never do what you promise.”

 

Some conflicts simply cannot be resolved without a mediator of some sort, so don’t feel discouraged if you have to bring in a third party.  If you are facing a tough situation, reach out to a neutral person, like a licensed counselor or therapist or your human resources officer.

 

The long-term effects of unresolved conflict are often far more damaging than the short-term discomfort of resolving them.  With the right mindset and a little practice, you will start seeing conflict as a growth opportunity, one that will help you achieve your goals and create healthy relationships. 

 

Want to talk to a counselor today about this? 

Call Amplified Life at 800-453-7733 and ask for your “Free 15 Minute Phone Consultation" with one of our licensed counselors. We’ll listen, answer questions you may have, and help you plan next steps.

 

Sources

http://oscr.umich.edu/article/tips-and-tools-constructive-conflict-resolution

http://www.forbes.com/sites/mikemyatt/2012/02/22/5-keys-to-dealing-with-workplace-conflict/

Successful Stepfamilies

With many marriages ending in divorce, stepfamilies are becoming even more commonplace. Though your may find your family growing in number, cultivating a successful stepfamily takes time, compromise, and motivation. 

Stepfamilies Defined

Traditionally, a stepfamily has been defined as a family where a parent has at least one child not biologically (or legally, in terms of adoption) related to the other parent.  This child may live with one biological parent and visits the other biological parent, or he or she may equally split time between both original parents. Other times a child has a lost a parent and the living parent will remarry.

 

There are many variations of stepfamilies.  Whereas the term stepfamily once referred only to married couples, cohabitating relationships where one or both parents had existing children are now recognized as stepfamilies.  Grown children, in the case of parental death, will often refer to their parent’s new spouse as a stepparent, even though they never lived under the same roof.

Blended families are also a form of stepfamily.  This is where both partners come into the marriage or relationship with existing children.  Blended families have many of the same challenges as other stepfamilies as well as unique ones.

Transition Process

As a stepfamily or blended family is beginning the process of transition, there are often some growing pains along the way.  Adapting to new routines requires compromise for everyone.  Emotions usually run high; guilt over a divorce, anger about sacrifices made, worry about the stepfamily transition, and jealousy between stepsiblings are fairly common responses. 

 

Stepparents may struggle in the transition process to figure out their new roles.  Questions over discipline, rule-setting, and household responsibilities are priorities to address.  These may cause insecurity and uncertainty in the new stepparent.  Parents also worry about perceived favoritism between biological and stepchildren. 

Similarly, kids face transitional unrest.  Children may feel caught between both biological parents, not wanting to upset either one.  In addition, your child will need to learn how to “share” you with your new spouse.  Sharing may also extend to their home and belongings if your new spouse or partner moved into your home.

Struggling Stepfamily Signs

With all these changes, stress is at an elevated rate.  Here are some key warning signs of a stepfamily struggling with change:

• Behavior- A child may show unexpected anger or behavioral aggression toward another family member. Children may cry more than usual and isolate themselves from other family members and friends. 
• Activity challenges- Families sometimes face difficulty finding a shared activity they all can enjoy. Heightened emotions and constant conflict make shared family time challenging.
• Discipline- The stepparent has difficulty disciplining a stepchild and/or disagrees with current discipline methods. This can cause conflict within the marriage. 

Strategies for Successful Stepfamilies

Tension and family distress do not have to be the norm for beginning stepfamilies.  The following suggestions are designed to improve unity within the family:

 

For Everyone:

• Consider- Give everyone a say. Parents may have the final word, but considering everyone’s thoughts and feelings may help eliminate irrational fears about the stepfamily transition.
• Process- Transition takes time. Attempting to rush the process to adapt will only cause more stress.  Respect the process, as trusting relationships between stepparents, children, and stepsiblings take time to develop. 

For Parents:

• Respect- Be cautious not to speak poorly about your ex in front of your children. Shaming your former spouse or using your children as messengers is not a good policy.  Never ask your child to spy on your ex and his/her new partner or speak negatively about them.  This places your child in an unfair and unfortunate situation, so be respectful to both your child and ex. 
• Make Time- Carve out time with your children to participate in their favorite activities. Let them speak honestly about their fears and concerns with the new family.  Reassure them you will always love them.
• Don’t Assume- Even grown children who are independent adults may struggle with knowing their place in a new stepfamily situation. Listen to their concerns and encourage them to play a positive role in the new family. 

For Stepparents:

• Space- Every child needs some amount of privacy. Rather than feel shut off from the child, respect the space they need to function better.
• Don’t Personalize- Stepchildren may not warm up to you immediately. Try not to take things personally, as their reactions may be more about the process itself than you as an individual. 

For Stepfamilies with a New Baby:

• Explain- Talk to your children about the possibility of a new baby. Explain how things might change.  Give opportunities for them to express fears or concerns about the new baby. 
• Teamwork- Allow the children to help with the new baby. Feeling included helps alleviate feelings of being overlooked and forgotten. 

While the challenges are very real for today’s stepfamilies, so are the rewards.  If your stepfamily is still experiencing growing pains in the adjustment process, ask for help.  Family therapy is an excellent tool for working through everyone’s emotions in the transition.  For additional help, check out the National Stepfamily Resource Center at www.stepfamilies.info. 

 

Want to talk to a counselor today about this? 

Call Amplified Life at 800-453-7733 and ask for your “Free 15 Minute Phone Consultation" with one of our licensed counselors. We’ll listen, answer questions you may have, and help you plan next steps.

Sources

http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-living/childrens-health/in-depth/stepfamilies/art-20047046

http://stepfamilies.info

Maintaining Healthy Couple Relationships

Relationships affect our lives on a daily basis, and they all require effort to stay healthy. While starting a romantic relationship can be hard, building one for the long-term can be an even bigger challenge.  Events inside and outside of the relationship make it necessary for both individuals to adapt and grow, while also respecting, caring for, and compromising with the other person.

 

Unhealthy Couple Relationships

One way to identify what is healthy is by examining what is not.  The following symptoms indicate a relationship that is not working and unhealthy:

• Lack of appreciation- Assuming your partner will do things for you is one way of taking them for granted. This demonstrates ingratitude or a lack of insight into the balance of the relationship. 
• Lack of trust- Reading your partner’s emails or text messages, listening to voicemails, and not letting your partner go out with friends communicates a level of distrust.
• Blame game- When you constantly blame your partner for trouble in the relationship and don’t accept responsibility for anything, then it will be difficult to maintain the relationship.
• Poor communication- Assuming your partner can read your mind is a sure sign of poor communication. If you avoid difficult conversations because you are afraid of your partner’s response, there is a clear lack of communication skills. 
• Lack of balance- When we over function we constantly do things for our partner that they can do for themselves. Under functioning happens when we ask our partner to do tasks or assume responsibilities that should be our own. 
• Isolation from others- Healthy friendships and family relationships are necessary. When your partner is your only source of support, the relationship can quickly become strained, tense, and unhealthy.
• Codependence- When you are no longer able to think for yourself or function without your partner, you have crossed the line into codependence. In this type of relationship, a person cannot define his or her self in any way other than the relationship, as they lack their own goals, opinions, and outside support.

 

Healthy Couple Strategies

By clearly identifying what is unhealthy we are able to see what works better.  Consider these strategies to maintain a healthy, romantic relationship that stands the test of time: 

• Embrace change- Your relationship will undoubtedly evolve with life events, unexpected transitions, and family changes. Consider change as an opportunity to make your relationship stronger rather than a cause for it to crumble. 
• Have check-ins- Talk with your partner about his or her expectations for the relationship and his or her personal goals. Checking-in with one another through regular, daily dialogue establishes a good routine, rather than just crisis management.  Making time together is key, and without good scheduling, responsibilities will crowd out time together. 
• Know the family- Families are unique and so are their ways of coping with stress and anxiety. While your family might tend to be emotionally distant, your partner’s family might like to engage in conflict and confrontation.  Consider what coping style you and your partner inherited from your families.  Then, look for ways to work together to resolve conflict. 
• Pick the right time- Dealing with a problem in the heat of the moment may not be the best time to hear one another. Take a few minutes to cool off and gather your thoughts, as this opportunity allows you to listen to your partner’s perspective.  Also remember, a conflict is typically not the time to bring up previous unresolved issues.  Attempting to solve multiple items typically leads to greater stress and fewer results.
• Be responsible- Everyone has needs and wants in a relationship, but it’s important to remember some expectations may be unrealistic or unfair for your partner to meet. Consider what things you are able to do for yourself and be responsible with them. 
• Listen and speak up- Are you so focused on trying to win an argument that you are unable to hear what your partner is saying? When you show respect for the other’s opinions, they are more likely to listen to you.  Also, your partner won’t know what you desire in the relationship unless you verbalize it.  Many times we become angry because we unfairly expect our partners to fulfill our needs, even though we have never shared them. 
• Accept differences- There are things about your partner that may never change, and the same is true for you. When you learn to accept this, you can begin to work together to change what you would like to be different.
• Respect rights- You and your partner both have the right to enjoy your respective interests, friends, feelings, personal goals, and opinions. When you have outside things that inspire and bring joy, you will both enjoy the relationship more.

Even in this day and age, building a relationship that lasts is possible.  Small acts of kindness such as physical or verbal gestures really do make a difference.  With some thought and patience, you will find that simple strategies build a strong foundation for your relationship. 

 

Want to talk to a counselor today about this? 

Call Amplified Life at 800-453-7733 and ask for your “Free 15 Minute Phone Consultation" with one of our licensed counselors. We’ll listen, answer questions you may have, and help you plan next steps.

 

Source:

http://cmhc.utexas.edu/healthyrelationships.html

http://www.uwhealth.org/news/tips-for-maintaining-healthy-relationships/40280

 

Balancing Work and Family

Managing our daily 24 hours is easier some days more than others.  Attempting to care for our bodies, getting proper rest, and maintaining a household is a full-time job in itself.  Add in work and family responsibilities, and the task becomes even more challenging.  Even though it is our choice how we use our time, we often become quite stressed attempting to manage it all. 

A common contributor to imbalance between work and family is control.  People often feel like they are losing control when one half of the work and home equation crowds out the other.  When this occurs the overwhelming sense of our to-do list seems more important than the things that give us the greatest enjoyment.  Priorities become mismatched and frustration, anxiety, and even depression gain momentum. 

Out of Balance?

Our lives naturally fall out of balance from time to time.  When this occurs we struggle to regulate our responsibilities and what we enjoy most.  Taking the time to assess how things are going can give us insight to realign our priorities.  This allows us to balance our time and make changes to reflect our values.  There are several questions you can ask yourself to see if work and family life have fallen out of balance: 

• Do you regularly set aside time to spend with your family?
• When you are with family, do you feel anxious or guilty about not working?
• At work, what triggers you to feel like you should be spending more time with your family?

Out of Balance Consequences

Failing to find the balance between work and family produces undesired consequences, such as a loss of energy.  While you are at work your productivity level will suffer in the long run from overwork and the stress that comes with it.  At home you may feel too tired to enjoy your spouse and/or children. 

Another common byproduct of working harder is increased responsibility.  It is easy to take on more than you can handle appropriately.  Working long hours may also cause you to miss out on important family moments and milestones. 

Strategies for Achieving Greater Balance

If you are feeling overwhelmed by your schedule or guilty about the imbalance in your life, be encouraged.  This is a common problem; there are only 24 hours in a day and invariably some tasks and activities take longer than anticipated.  Second, you are not destined to stay stuck in this cycle.  The following strategies will help you move past an overcrowded schedule to a place of balance between attending to your responsibilities and that which you love to do. 

 

For Work:

• Scheduling- Pay attention to your work commitments. Are there any adjustments you can make to free up more time for home?  The most difficult tasks should be scheduled for when you are usually the most productive.
• Distractions- There may be times of the day you are more likely to be distracted or procrastinate. How could you use your time more efficiently during this period?  Are you checking social media too often or reading emails at a less productive time?  Prioritize to maximize your time.
• Separation- Leave work at work. The more you focus on work at home the greater the lines blur between both worlds. 

For Family:

• Values- Write down what you desire most from life. What activities are important for you to do with your family?  Volunteer work? Extracurricular sports?  Determine what is non-negotiable in your life. 
• Say no- Determine what your values are and practice saying no. This helps you avoid becoming overcommitted.
• Care- When schedules are cramped, proper self-care is less likely to occur. Do your best to eat healthy, get plenty of rest, and take time for what you enjoy most.

For Work and Family:

• Organize- Is your work space messy? Is your home cluttered?  Taking time to organize will save you time and energy in the long run.  As an added bonus, you will probably get more done in less time.
• Teamwork- Sharing responsibility is one way to lighten the load for everyone. Whether at work or at home, if everyone chips in to get the job done, stress will go down.
• Rewards- Plan at least one fun family activity a week. This will always give you something enjoyable to anticipate.
• Positive- Rather than feeling guilty about what you might need to give up consider all the benefits of a balanced life. Improvements in relationships and work performance are just two of the many positive changes that can occur.

If you are still feeling a lack of control between work and family consider asking a professional for help or even advice.  Often, workplaces have Employee Assistance Programs (EAP) to guide you in these situations.  Remember, life will happen.  When it does, things will typically fall out of balance for a time.  Stay positive.  Use the knowledge you’ve gained, take a step back, and assess.  Proper planning is always a good start to swing an imbalanced life back into perspective. 

 

Want to talk to a counselor today about this? 

Call Amplified Life at 800-453-7733 and ask for your “Free 15 Minute Phone Consultation" with one of our licensed counselors. We’ll listen, answer questions you may have, and help you plan next steps.

 

Sources

http://www.ucdmc.ucdavis.edu/hr/hrdepts/asap/Documents/Balancing_Work_and_Family.pdf

http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-living/adult-health/in-depth/work-life-balance/art-20048134

 

 

Aging Parents and Adult Children

Having an adult relationship with your parents can be both rewarding and challenging.  Some parents are overly critical, complain when you try to help, or never say “thank you.”  The challenges can become especially difficult as they continue to age.  Transitioning to a caregiving role is a major shift as the parent/child roles begin to reverse.  You must determine how to care for yourself and focus on your parent as well, and the stress of this task can strain your relationship and affect your physical and emotional wellbeing. 

The Aging Process

In many ways, aging is a grieving process.  Older adults slowly lose their independence, as their mind and body fail to function properly.  Your aging loved one may need to transition from their home to yours or another medical facility.  Try to be empathic with them and consider how you would feel if you lost control of your body.  How would you react if decisions were made about your life and future without your consent?  When you put yourself in your aging loved one’s shoes you might better understand why they are experiencing grief-like symptoms. 

 

Transition Tips for Aging Parents and Adult Children

The following guidelines provide information to help you practice good self-care and caregiving skills. 

Self-care Tips

• Care for yourself first- Caregiver stress can cause physical, emotional, and mental problems. When we don’t prioritize ourselves we limit our caregiving efforts.  It’s important to get proper rest, good nutrition, and regular exercise to maintain our optimal health.  When we feel better we’re able to enjoy our loved ones more.  Ask for help and delegate tasks to other family members if you need it.    
• No comparisons- Every adult child is different. You need to be comfortable saying “no” when you’re unable to physically or emotionally handle a responsibility.  Just because another friend caring for their parent can accomplish the task doesn’t mean it’s necessarily right for you.  Know your limitations.  Also, it’s wise to avoid comparing your relationship with your parents to other families.  Every family has its own unique challenges. 
• Understand your anxiety- Relationships with our parents can sometimes be difficult. When we’re stressed and anxious about other areas of life it’s easy to direct those emotions toward those we love most.  The more easily you can identify when you are stressed or anxious, the better equipped you’ll be to know when to handle situations with your parents.  Choose a time you’re calm and able to do your best thinking. 
• Accept a lack of recognition- It can be challenging, but it’s important to grasp you may not receive praise and thanks for taking on this responsibility. Some parents struggle deeply with change and the fear of aging, so they’re unable to express their appreciation.  It’s important to focus on why the job is important, rather than the lack of recognition.

Caregiving Tips

• Practice empathy- If your parent is experiencing chronic pain it’s difficult to be in a happy mood all the time. They may put on a front in front of others but feel comfortable to express themselves with family.  Try to understand what pains your parent is feeling as well as the physical and cognitive losses.  This can help you empathize with their moods, comments, and expressions. 
• Listen- Listening is the greatest honor you could give as it honors your parent. Be patient with them, as it might take longer to articulate their thoughts, especially their fears and stories.
  • Fears- The aging process can be scary. It’s possible your parent is experiencing rational or irrational fears.  Listening to them can calm their nerves.  Try to explain facts in a simple, non-threatening way. 
  • Repetition- Be kind toward your parent when they repeat themselves. Perhaps, you’re hearing the same childhood story for the thousandth time.  Also, if they’re struggling with technology use, remember that some tasks are extremely difficult with memory loss or degenerating eyesight.  Be patient, as you would be with a child struggling to read or tie their shoes. 
• Watch for personality changes- Cognitive difficulties can alter your parent’s personality. In addition, medication can impact personality.  It’s important to contact their physician if there are any sudden changes.  You may be accused of trying to hurt them, or they might be suspicious of you.  They could have sudden outbursts, yell, and become visibly distressed.  Try not to take these personally, as this is not the true heart of your parent. 
• Give back power- It can be easy to do certain tasks for your parent simply because you can do it faster. Things might be calmer if you give some control over to your parent, even in small areas.  Also, ask for their input about decisions that affect their life.  Giving back power, even if it’s minimal, can greatly improve your relationship.

The process of giving up control over your life isn’t easy for anyone.  However, when we’re able to walk our parents through decision-making with small changes, they are more likely to trust us with the big ones.  Ultimately, doing the right thing for your parent’s wellbeing is what matters most, to both of you.

 

Want to talk to a counselor today about this? 

Call Amplified Life at 800-453-7733 and ask for your “Free 15 Minute Phone Consultation" with one of our licensed counselors. We’ll listen, answer questions you may have, and help you plan next steps.

 

Sources:

http://www.state.gov/m/dghr/flo/c23141.htm

 

Managing Conflict

Conflict is inevitable in any relationship.  From family dynamics to workplace environments, everyone experiences some degree of relational struggles.  Avoiding conflict, or merely pretending it doesn’t exist, will only make the situation worse.  In fact, how we handle that conflict largely determines the effect it has on our lives. 

We benefit when we pay attention to conflict.  Perhaps it’s pointing to a need for better communication or a change in how we’re doing something.  Conflict is also an opportunity to learn more about others and ourselves; we can even use it to grow as an individual or organization.

Conflict Management Ideas

The following tips for managing conflict will show you how to turn a potentially negative experience into an opportunity for positive change:    

           

Overall Attitude

• Stay Calm- You may not be involved in a particular conflict, but how you react to it can have positive or negative effects. If you remain neutral, your calmness can actually help people find a solution.  Otherwise an angry or frustrated reaction might add more “fuel to the fire” and escalate the conflict.  How do you stay neutral?
  • Avoid trigger words- Stay away from exaggerative words, such as “always” and “never.” Try to stay objective and refrain from emotionally charged words and aggressive nonverbal language like crossing your arms, rolling your eyes, or pointing a finger.
  • Use diffusing language- Speak with “I” statements as opposed to “You” statements. This wording focuses on the specific conflict and how you’re reacting to it. For example, “I felt nervous when you didn’t return my phone call because our project is due tomorrow.  I prefer that you give me updates, so I know where we stand.”
• Know you might disagree- People can often see the same event but have entirely different viewpoints about what happened. You don’t have to agree about the nature or source of a problem.  It’s enough to both acknowledge that the situation will continue to cause problems unless something is done. 

Listening

• Separate feelings from facts- When you’re really listening to a person, you can separate your feelings about the person from the facts of the actual problem. Avoid mentally labeling the person with negative traits.  Instead, focus on this as a specific situation you can help solve. 
• Practice active listening- Hear the words and the messages the person is sharing. Try to understand the thoughts, feelings, and perspectives behind their words.  When you open yourself up to active, or empathetic, listening, you can see the situation through their eyes.  Repeat back what you’re hearing to confirm whether you understand them correctly. 

Speaking

• Ask questions- When emotions run high, it can be difficult to pinpoint the exact problem. Asking good questions can help determine the nature of the problem.  For example:
  • What caused the conflict to occur?
  • What did you or the other person want to happen?
  • What are you afraid might happen? What are you afraid of losing?
  • Are your emotions appropriate for the situation? Too extreme?
  • How are you both invested in finding a solution?
• Discuss values- Even if you don’t agree with the other person’s perspective, you can still understand the motivation behind it. Chances are you both share common values, such as respecting others or doing your best work.  When you find common ground it makes the differences less intimidating.

Brainstorming Solutions

• Think outside the box- If you’re constantly arguing or hitting the same brick wall, your normal methods for solving conflict are not working. Get creative and be open to new problem solving strategies. 
• Be future-oriented- Avoid drudging up past grievances or staying locked on the current issue. When our time is spent trying to pin the blame on another we never move forward.  Instead, if both parties work toward a solution, blame becomes less important.  The goal is to not have the same issue repeating or causing the same consequences in the future.
• Be clear- Many times we’ll agree on a solution but have vague ideas of what that entails. When two people leave with very different pictures of the same solution, it’s a set-up for another conflict.  Instead, be sure to craft a clear solution that has measurable, specific steps toward the outcome.  Individuals should understand their role to ensure everyone’s on the same page.
• No unnecessary people- As a general rule of thumb, avoid bringing in additional people to the conflict. Venting about the person involved might feel good in the moment, but it will only add to the complexity.  Rumors can spread easily, and gossip only escalates the problem. 

Conflict can be a difficult situation in any relationship, but avoiding or reacting aggressively is never helpful.  However, with the right tools, a calm perspective, and an open mind, finding a solution and maintaining the relationship is possible.    

 

Want to talk to a counselor today about this? 

Call Amplified Life at 800-453-7733 and ask for your “Free 15 Minute Phone Consultation" with one of our licensed counselors. We’ll listen, answer questions you may have, and help you plan next steps.

 

Sources: http://oscr.umich.edu/article/tips-and-tools-constructive-conflict-resolution

 

Improving Family Relations

Every family is its own unique combination of people and personalities.  Even though they come in all shapes and sizes, healthy families have some commonalities.  A healthy family is comprised of people who love each other and are able to respect each other’s similarities and differences.  Healthy families also know how to compromise, and they are fiercely resilient; they bounce back after crisis and periods of prolonged stress.

Negative Coping Strategies

Obviously, not all families have healthy relationships.  Some members incorporate negative strategies for coping with stress.  Some examples are distancing, overdoing/underdoing, focusing on a child, or jumping into conflict.  These negative ways of managing stress harm the family dynamic:

 

Distancing- This unhealthy strategy occurs when family members avoid conversations together because they are concerned about potential conflict.  They stop sharing their thoughts and feelings and fail to spend real time together.

 

Overdoing/underdoing- With this negative coping method, one or more family members begin to assume the responsibilities of others.  When this happens, the remaining members decrease their efforts.  Family members can easily become stuck in this imbalance of responsibility.

 

Focusing on a child- To avoid conflict, some families will simply focus on a child instead.  When severe stress or fighting begins, children are usually the most vulnerable in the household.  Therefore, parents will focus their attention solely on that child to calm things down.  Their intentions might be good, but often the child reacts to this intense pressure and increased attention.  These children will typically begin to act out or develop physical or emotional symptoms.

 

Conflict- A final negative coping mechanism is conflict itself.  Some families will start an all-out war when they’re stressed, engaging in yelling and emotional abuse.  The smallest disagreement could set someone off, creating a hostile environment. 

 

Tips to Improve Family Relations

There are many positive ways to manage stress and handle conflict.  The following strategies for communication skills, relational values, and personal and family responsibilities provide simple solutions for improving family dynamics:

 

Communication Skills

• Communicate openly- Unlike the negative strategy of distancing, family members feel comfortable asking for help if needed. They’re able to speak up when they disagree.  If they see a different solution to a problem, they voice it.  Because conflict is unavoidable in a family, open communication is essential.
• Think before you speak- Responsible family members think first and then speak. Too often we automatically react to a situation based purely on emotion.  If we are able to create some space and consider the other’s perspective and thoughts, we can focus on responding instead of reacting.  Problem solving and compromise are much easier when they come from a non-reactive place. 

Relational Values

• Explore values- Family members won’t agree on everything. There will be preferences for different hobbies, tastes, or even political or religious views. However, there are common values that family members may choose to share and uphold.  For example, a shared value might be showing mutual respect for all family members.  Another might be to demonstrate appreciation for one another with acts of kindness.  Shared values become the mortar for a strong family foundation.
• Develop one-to-one relationships- In a healthy family unit, every individual has a solid relationship with every other person. No one teams up, complains, or gossips in a family member’s absence.

Personal and Family Responsibilities

• Take personal responsibility- Schedules today are often very full. Families can easily fall out of sync and become unclear about who is doing what.  Certain family members may take on more than what is required of them.  Others might be all too willing to allow that to occur, so they can have fewer responsibilities.  Conflict arises when one assumes another will handle a situation, and they don’t.  In a healthy family, individuals own their personal responsibilities and accept any consequences for failing to do so.  Family members encourage one another and hold each other accountable.
• Ask for help- Stress happens to every family. A strong, healthy family focuses on the positive in challenging times. Family members are able to pull together, share responsibilities, and problem solve.  If the family needs additional help, strong families don’t hesitate to ask for it.  Friends, neighbors, religious communities, or helping professionals all serve as excellent resources for families. 

The success of a healthy family largely comes down to being together.  When you make time for one another, you communicate that you care with more than just your words.  Make time to have fun and celebrate each other’s victories.  Listen to one another’s stories, thoughts, and feelings.  Make memories and laugh together.  When working toward the common goal of a healthy family, everyone has a shared interest in success. 

 

Want to talk to a counselor today about this? 

Call Amplified Life at 800-453-7733 and ask for your “Free 15 Minute Phone Consultation" with one of our licensed counselors. We’ll listen, answer questions you may have, and help you plan next steps.

 

Sources:

http://www.advocatesforyouth.org/publications/1229-strengthening-family-relationships

http://www.childwelfare.gov

 

Successful Single Parenting

Households where one parent is managing the family without another present are becoming increasingly common.  In the United States, the number of single parent families has doubled in the past 25 years.  There are many reasons for single parenting.  Some examples are the death of a spouse or partner, when two partners chose not to marry and only one raises the children, or when one parent is away for a period of time (military service, extended long-distance business, illness, incarceration, etc.). 

Unique Single Parent Family Challenges

There may be challenges and drawbacks specific to single parent families.  These can affect relationships, emotions, physical health and finances.  Single parents may:

• Help children cope with the loss or absence of the other parent
• Help children deal with past or present conflict between parents
• Handle custody and visitation issues
• Have less access to healthcare
• Experience less time with their children
• Struggle with financial resources

Single Parenting Strategies

Single parents and their children can grow up to be healthy, happy, and successful.  The following relational, communication, and personal tips can help single parent homes flourish:

 

Relational

• Support team- Single parents who isolate themselves and try to do it alone feel overwhelmed. Involve your friends, extended family, and other community members in your life and your child’s life.
• Asking for help- When you do need help, try and be specific in your requests. For example, if you need an hour to go to the gym or run to the store, ask for it.  Many times people want to help but don’t know how.  They might end up doing very little or nothing unless you ask for their involvement. 
• Child care- Finding quality childcare is a top priority. You should never ask a stranger or someone you barely know to watch your children.  Likewise, it’s best to avoid enlisting your oldest child to watch the younger ones.  
• Role models- Look for positive role models who are the same gender as the missing or absent parent. Avoid sharing negative stereotypes about men or women.  For example, “All men are liars, just like your father,” or “Women are money-hungry, like your mother.”

Communication

• Reassurance- The fear of abandonment is common for children when one parent is uninvolved or has died. Remind your children you will always be there for them and that you will never stop loving them.
• Open dialogue- Keep the doors of communication open. Children should feel comfortable expressing their thoughts regarding family and nonfamily issues. 
• No messengers- If your child does have contact or interaction with their other parent, never use him or her as a messenger. Avoid criticizing or complaining about your ex in front of your children. 

Personal

• Stay present- Do your best to avoid living in the past. Focusing on what “could have been,” past mistakes, or your relationship with an ex will not help.  Bitterness, anger, and resentment will only distract you and possibly model unhealthy emotions for your children.  
• Guilt- Worrying about how a single parent home will impact your child or about the extras you can’t provide won’t help. No amount of toys, clothes, or technology could replace your love.  Guilt is never a useful emotion.  Instead, focus on what you do have and how you can keep your child happy and healthy.  Spending time with your children is the most valuable thing you can give. 
• Goals and dreams- Motivated people are happier people and make better parents. Don’t give up on your personal goals and dreams.  Whether it’s finding a few minutes a day for your favorite hobby or continuing your education, pursuing your dreams will improve your life and help you be a role model for your child.
• Routine and traditions- Establishing new traditions and routines provide stability for your children. Holidays and special traditions give each family member ownership and events to look forward to throughout the year.  These can be as simple as a special plate at meal times or a favorite story at bedtime.
• Re-prioritize- Don’t beat yourself up about every aspect of parenting. You may not be able to cook every meal or maintain a spotless house.  Being a parent means readjusting your priorities.  Spending time with your children and taking care of yourself should outweigh other details. 
• Dating- Should you choose to date, consider waiting to introduce your children until you’ve established a solid relationship. The person should respect both you and your children.  Sometimes children need time before they warm up and trust a new person you’re dating. 

Finally, being a single parent doesn’t exclude you from taking care of yourself.  Keep yourself mentally, physically, and emotionally healthy to the best of your ability.  You can’t be completely available to your children if you’re not getting proper rest, good nutrition, and regular exercise. When you engage in activities that give you energy and bring you joy, you model the self-compassion that will help you and your children succeed in life. 

 

Want to talk to a counselor today about this? 

Call Amplified Life at 800-453-7733 and ask for your “Free 15 Minute Phone Consultation" with one of our licensed counselors. We’ll listen, answer questions you may have, and help you plan next steps.

 

Sources:

http://www.wpen.net/

http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-living/childrens-health/in-depth/single-parent/art-20046774

 

 

 

 

Divorce

Regardless of the circumstances divorce is a significant loss, and people grieve the loss of a marriage in many ways.  You might feel shocked, depressed, or angry at what occurred.  Many times people experience guilt for things they wish they had done or said differently.  In any divorce situation, it’s important to give yourself time to grieve.  There’s no need to push away your emotions, and there isn’t a timeline for when you should “snap out of it.”  Talking with a counselor or support group is a great way to work through your grief.

Life after Divorce 

Though it may be difficult to grasp, there is hope and life after a divorce.  The following tips offer practical wisdom during this transition:

• Practice self-care- When dealing with divorce, you need to support yourself physically, emotionally, and mentally. Staying physically active can help you feel better and experience less stress, anger, and anxiety.  Embracing positive coping methods is always wiser than turning toward negative behaviors. 
• Find positive people- Anyone can be negative, and it’s tempting to find others who will encourage you to complain about life or your former spouse. Instead, choose to surround yourself with supportive, positive people that can help you reframe your losses into opportunity. 
• Focus on what you can control- Learning to let go can be difficult. Instead of dwelling on things you can’t change, think about what you can control.  This will help you stay more positive and keep your mind and body healthy.  Because you’re not responsible for how others think and feel, focus on your own outlook.  Making a to-do list of important tasks can be a great way to help you feel like you have control again. 
• Avoid impulsive decisions- When you’re in transition avoid making huge life decisions. There might be a thrill from a major purchase or hasty career change, but you could regret it after you have weighed the pros and cons. 
• Do what you enjoy- It’s important to socialize and spend time with supportive friends and family members. You shouldn’t feel guilty for making time for activities and hobbies you enjoy.
• Avoid unhealthy coping methods- The emotional stress of divorce can lead us to make poor life choices. Watch out for negative ways of dealing with your emotions.  Unhealthy behaviors might include:
  • Drugs, alcohol, gambling, or risky sexual behavior
  • Following, stalking, or seeking revenge against your ex
  • Making impulsive purchases or choices
  • Acting angry and/or violent toward others
  • Entering a new relationship quickly
• Cooperate and Communicate- There’s still a benefit to you and your family by communicating with your former spouse, especially when it involves your children. Seeing interactions as a battle to be won doesn’t help anyone.

Children and Divorce

The majority of divorces occur where there are children under the age of 18.  Because parents represent a sense of security for a child, it can become scary and confusing when they see their parent(s) hurting or distracted.  Many parents worry about how divorce will impact their children.  The following information will help you guide your kids through the transition of life after a divorce:

• Assure your love- Children often misinterpret the situation and accept blame, thinking the divorce is their fault. They can also deal with fears of abandonment.  Therefore, it’s critical to emphasize your love for them.  Reassure your children that you will never leave them.  It’s important to listen to their fears.  Remind your children that your love for them won’t change, even if the family looks a little different than before. 
• Establish routine- Traditions and routines provide stability for a child in an uncertain time. These can be as simple as reading before bedtime or an evening walk after dinner.  The key is consistency.  Consider discussing a plan with your former spouse to maintain similarity between the two households.
• Be flexible- It’s important to remain flexible if your ex is unable to visit or has a conflict. Having a fun, alternative activity is a great option for those unexpected times.  Also, encourage your child to enjoy their time with their other parent.  Avoid looking disappointed or upset when they leave, so as not to miscommunicate emotions to your child. 
• Be amicable in front of the kids- It’s wise to avoid fighting with your ex in front of your children. Never use children as messengers, spies, or a sounding board for your complaints.  Children who witness angry and volatile disagreements are more likely to adjust poorly to the divorce.  The best transitions are when children are encouraged to have positive relationships with both parents. 

Divorce never affects only one person.  It’s painful and difficult, but there is help available.  Be courageous and seek out therapy, family counseling, or support groups.  Allow the experiences of others to help you in this transition time. 

 

Want to talk to a counselor today about this? 

Call Amplified Life at 800-453-7733 and ask for your “Free 15 Minute Phone Consultation" with one of our licensed counselors. We’ll listen, answer questions you may have, and help you plan next steps.

 

Sources:

https://www.apa.org/helpcenter/healthy-divorce.aspx