Marriage Matters

Breaking Free of the Abuse Cycle: Recognizing the Hidden Chains

by Christopher Van Stee February 24, 2025

Marcus stared at his reflection, struggling to recognize himself. "You're lucky I love you enough to tell you the truth," echoed his wife Elena's words. According to a systematic review published in BMJ Open, male victims of domestic abuse face unique challenges in seeking help, often struggling with societal stigma and disbelief.

The cycle began subtly. During the tension-building phase, Elena would question his every decision. "Are you sure that's what your boss said? You always misunderstand things." Small doubts planted like seeds grew into forests of uncertainty. His once-confident business decisions became paralyzing exercises in self-doubt.

Research published in the Albany Law Review identifies gaslighting as a distinct tactic of psychological abuse, characterized by systematic attempts to erode a victim's confidence in their own perceptions. When the incident phase struck, it rarely left physical marks. Instead, Elena wielded gaslighting like a master sculptor, reshaping Marcus's reality. During dinner with friends, she'd share embarrassing stories about his "forgetfulness," then later deny his discomfort: "Everyone was laughing with you, not at you. Why do you always twist things?" She'd move his keys, change plans they'd made, delete text conversations, then convince him he was losing his grip on reality.

The reconciliation phase brought elaborate shows of support. "I only push you because I see your potential," she'd say, temporarily becoming his biggest cheerleader. "No one understands you like I do." Studies in criminological research have identified this pattern as part of the manipulation cycle, where periods of apparent warmth serve to reinforce the abuser's control.

During the calm phase, life would seem normal, even good. Yet beneath the surface, Elena's subtle manipulations continued. She'd praise him for "finally" making "better" decisions – ones that always aligned with her wishes. His world gradually shrank as she identified his friends as "toxic influences" who "didn't want him to succeed."

A longitudinal study published in BMC Medicine confirms that abuse victims often face cycles of revictimization, making recognition and intervention crucial. The cycle typically follows four distinct phases:

The Cycle Revealed:

Tension Building: Walking on eggshells, anticipating criticism
Incident: Emotional attacks, manipulation of reality
Reconciliation: Love-bombing, temporary peace
Calm: False security while control deepens

Research in Partner Abuse identifies key gaslighting tactics:

Denying remembered events
Shifting blame ("If you hadn't made me worry...")
Using others to reinforce distorted reality
Weaponizing self-doubt

Marcus began keeping a private online journal, password-protected from Elena's "helpful" monitoring of his devices. Each documented incident became a brick in rebuilding his sense of reality. When Elena claimed, "I never said that about your promotion," he had dated entries proving otherwise.

Understanding emerged slowly: abuse isn't always physical, and gaslighting isn't just about lying – it's about dismantling someone's trust in themselves. Studies show that interventions for domestic violence victims can be effective, particularly when victims receive support in recognizing and naming their experiences.

If you recognize these patterns – constant self-doubt, feeling crazy or oversensitive, struggling to trust your memory – you're not alone. Schedule for a Free consult or contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or text "START" to 88788. Whether the abuse is physical or psychological, your experiences are valid, and your reality matters. Breaking free starts with trusting yourself again.

Healing after Infidelity

by Lyle Labardee April 04, 2020

Healing after Infidelity

For many individuals, the opportunity to enter into a relationship outside of marriage or a committed relationship has presented itself. It might be with a co-worker, new acquaintance, high-school fling, or an online contact. When a couple has committed to an exclusive and permanent relationship, engaging in unsuitable interactions can break trust and tarnish the marriage or long-term relationship. For those who believe in the permanence of marriage or commitment, finding a way to heal after these events is vital.

Defining Infidelity

The basic translation of infidelity is “unfaithful.” Being unfaithful might include a variety of actions, including emotional, physical, and mental choices. While physical infidelity can be the most obvious, including hand-holding, caressing, kissing, and sexual acts, it is not the only way to cheat. Engaging in an emotional affair can also cause damage to a marriage.

Upon being discovered, the person who is in an emotional affair may claim that it is just a “friendship.” However, it is different than making a new friend; an emotional affair includes deep conversations about matters that should be and previously were reserved for the spouse. Often, the person experiences a need to hide this relationship, but works to make sure that specific time and effort are put into it.

Healing after an affair is possible, and the following tips can help it along.

For the Spouse who Cheated

End the Affair – One of the quickest things that can be done to encourage healing and re-build trust in your long-term relationship is to stop talking to and seeing your previous lover. Promise to your spouse that you will not interact with this person anymore. If you work with the person, keep interactions professional and tell your spouse. You might want to look into getting a new job. Alternatively, consider blocking their contact info in your phone or computer.
Be Honest – Speaking with your significant other is going to be difficult. If you want to build up trust, the best thing to do is to answer any question that they ask. If they find out details about the affair later, they might feel newly betrayed which can delay healing and reconciliation.
Empathy and Patience – Betrayal is a difficult barrier to get over, especially if you are angry that your partner can’t “get over it.” Your choices had a strong effect on your significant other, causing pain and breaking trust; the sooner you offer them understanding, the better chance that healing can occur. Also, try not to expect a quick reconciliation as there will probably be a lot of tears, questions, anger, and conversations before you are completely forgiven.
Own Up – Take responsibility for your choices and your part in the affair. Blaming your partner for anything that you believe led you to cheat on him/her will not bring healing. Apologize for what you did, and the pain you caused. Admit to what you have done wrong in the relationship, and commit to working on those issues.

For the Spouse who was Betrayed

Ask Questions – While it may seem counter-intuitive, having more information can help bring about healing. The more you talk with your significant other, the more you can learn about what choices she made, and what choices she wants to continue to make. Your partner can use this time to re-build a sense of trust, as she chooses to embrace honesty as an important part in your relationship again. Questions may range from facts about the affair, to asking about the weak points in your own relationship that might need to be strengthened. You should also consider asking about what your partner wants for the future, including if she want to continue seeing the lover, repair your relationship, seek counseling, or something else.
Control Your Emotions – This is an emotional situation, but adding intense reactions to your conversations with your partner will not be helpful. If you want to gain a sense of understanding and healing, practice taking deep breaths throughout the conversation. If your significant other sees that you are upset, it might prevent him from sharing all of the information that needs to be said.
Focus on the Affair – Take time to focus on the affair and take a time-out if needed. Use this time to talk about your feelings with your partner: your worries, upset, shame, and feelings of betrayal. As you move forward in repairing your relationship, it can be helpful to limit how long you talk about the affair. Try limiting conversations to 30 minutes, or so. Ask questions as they come up so that you do not develop a long set concerns or feel too upset. Your spouse might struggle with a sense of self during this time, so limiting conversation time can be productive for both of you.
Focus on Your Relationship – It will be important to re-build a sense of intimacy with your partner, especially as he is distancing himself from his lover. Spend time together to help build connection and enjoyment around shared activities, fun events, and meaningful friends and family. Re-discover what your values and goals are and discuss these. Talk about the things that you want to work on together, to make your relationship strong.
Find Support – Joining a support group or speaking with a counselor can help you process this situation. You might consider seeking individual support, or support that is geared for you and your significant other together. It might be helpful to include some friends or family members, especially if they knew about the affair. Healing the relationship will include having supportive family and friends who can encourage and help you practice forgiveness to your partner.
Forgive – Forgiveness does not mean that you are okay with what happened. Take your time to process through your thoughts and feelings surrounding the affair. When you are ready, forgiving your significant other will help you to get rid of negative feelings and will help you to move forward.

Want to talk to a counselor today about this?

Call Amplified Life at 800-453-7733 and ask for your “Free 15 Minute Phone Consultation" with one of our licensed counselors. We’ll listen, answer questions you may have, and help you plan next steps.

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Breaking Free of the Abuse Cycle: Recognizing the Hidden Chains

Healing after Infidelity

Want to talk to a counselor today about this?

Call Amplified Life at 800-453-7733 and ask for your “Free 15 Minute Phone Consultation" with one of our licensed counselors. We’ll listen, answer questions you may have, and help you plan next steps.

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