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Have you ever jumped at a loud noise and didn't know why? Or felt suddenly anxious in an elevator without understanding the reason? Your mind might be carrying memories that your conscious brain doesn't remember—but your body never forgot. According to Dr. Bessel van der Kolk, a leading trauma expert, "The body keeps the score: the brain writes its memories in either red ink (emergency) or blue ink (calm). Trauma memories come in red."

Your Mind: The Two-Story House

Think of your mind like a house with two floors. The top floor is your conscious mind—where you think, make decisions, and remember things on purpose. The bottom floor is your subconscious—where feelings, old memories, and deep fears live. Research from Mount Sinai's School of Medicine shows that traumatic memories are stored differently in our brains than regular memories, which explains why these two floors don't always communicate well.

When Bad Things Happen: How Trauma Changes Us

Scientists have discovered that when something overwhelming happens, our brains process it differently than everyday experiences. These memories don't get filed away neatly like regular memories. Instead, they're like scattered photographs in the basement of your mind-house, popping up when you least expect them.

A Story About Sarah

Meet Sarah. When she was four, she got stuck in an elevator for an hour. Now she's 35, and if you ask her about elevators, she'll say, "Oh yeah, I got stuck in one as a kid. No big deal." That's her top floor talking—the logical part that remembers the basic facts.

But every time she gets in an elevator, her hands get sweaty, her heart races, and she feels like she can't breathe. This reaction is what scientists call a "trauma response"—when your body remembers even if your mind doesn't.

Why This Matters

The numbers tell an important story: 70% of adults have gone through at least one traumatic experience in their lifetime. That's about 223.4 million people in the U.S. alone. Many of us are carrying around old hurts we don't even remember. The good news? Recent studies show that modern therapy approaches can help heal these hidden wounds, with success rates between 77% and 100%.

Signs Your Past Might Be Affecting Your Present

According to trauma researchers, you might notice:

• Getting really upset over small things
• Feeling scared or angry but not knowing why
• Having strong reactions that seem bigger than the situation
• Avoiding certain places or situations without a clear reason

The Path to Healing

Here's the hopeful part: A 2024 study found that several types of therapy are highly effective in treating trauma, even for people who have experienced multiple traumatic events. You don't have to figure this out alone. Research shows that therapy can help your brain create new connections as it processes trauma memories, helping those two floors of your mind work together again.

Taking the First Step

If you recognize yourself in this story, know that help is available. Studies show that as many as 46% of people with trauma-related symptoms improved within just six weeks of starting therapy. You don't have to understand everything about your past to start healing. Sometimes, just knowing that your reactions make sense is the beginning of feeling better.

Sources and Further Reading

Scientific Research

• Mount Sinai School of Medicine (2023). "Traumatic Memories Are Represented Differently Than Regular Sad Memories in the Brains of People with PTSD"

• Morina, N., et al. (2024). "Psychotherapy Effective for PTSD Following Multiple Traumatic Events". Medical Xpress.

• The Recovery Village (2024). "PTSD Statistics and Facts"

• Van der Kolk, B. (2023). "The Body Keeps the Score: Interview on Trauma". Psychotherapy.net

  
  

  Clinical Studies

  • Rabellino, D., et al. (2016). "Aberrant Functional Connectivity of the Amygdala Complexes in PTSD During Conscious and Subconscious Processing of Trauma-Related Stimuli". PLOS ONE.

  • Psychology Today (2022). "How to Make Peace with Your Trauma Memory"

  Treatment Outcomes

  • SB Treatment (2024). "Trauma Therapy: Success Rates and Effectiveness"

  • National Institute of Mental Health (2024). "Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder Research"

  Additional Resources for Readers

  • National Center for PTSD: www.ptsd.va.gov
  • Trauma-Informed Care Implementation Resource Center: www.traumainformedcare.chcs.org
  • International Society for Traumatic Stress Studies: www.istss.org

  Note: All statistics and research findings cited in this article are current as of February 2025. For the most up-to-date information, please consult with mental health professionals or visit the websites of the organizations listed above.

   

Ever noticed how your blood starts to boil when someone cuts you off in traffic? Or how about that surge of rage when your carefully laid plans fall apart? We tend to think of anger as a primary response, but here's the profound truth: anger is usually just the bodyguard of our deeper emotions.

According to psychological research, anger typically serves as a secondary emotion - one that shows up to protect us from more vulnerable feelings. Think of it as your emotional bouncer, stepping in when feelings like helplessness, disappointment, or fear become too overwhelming.

The Illusion of Control

We humans are vessels of complex emotions, walking around with an invisible backpack full of expectations about how things "should" be:

• That driver should use their turn signal
• My partner should know what I'm thinking
• Life should go according to my plans

When reality doesn't align with these expectations, we feel a loss of control. And that's where wisdom enters the picture. Research shows that anger usually occurs when people aren't in control of a situation. It's our natural response to feeling powerless, though there's often a greater purpose in releasing that need for control.

The Expectations Trap

Here's the transformative truth: most of our anger stems from unrealistic expectations we've created in our minds. We craft these perfect scenarios, these idealized versions of how things should unfold. Then, when life presents its mysterious ways and unexpected turns, we feel betrayed.

Consider this: How often is your anger actually about the thing that triggered it? That burst of rage when your coffee spills - is it really about the coffee, or is it about feeling like you can't control even this small part of your morning? Perhaps there's a deeper lesson in learning to accept what we cannot change.

Finding Peace Through Understanding

The path to managing anger isn't about suppressing it or pretending it doesn't exist. Instead, experts suggest we need to:

1. Recognize anger as a messenger, not the source
2. Look beneath the anger to find the primary emotion
3. Question our expectations - are they serving our highest good?
4. Practice acceptance of what lies beyond our control

When we surrender our grip on controlling every outcome, we discover a different kind of strength - the power to respond with grace and understanding. This acceptance opens the door to a peace that transcends our circumstances.

A Higher Perspective

Consider that every moment of anger might be an invitation to grow, to learn, and to develop a deeper understanding of ourselves and others. In our moments of frustration, we're often being called to something greater than our immediate desires - perhaps to develop patience, show mercy, or find strength in gentleness.

Remember: Your anger isn't the enemy. It's a messenger trying to guide you toward deeper truths about yourself and your relationship with the world around you. Listen to it with an open heart, learn from it with humility, but don't let it overshadow the peace that comes from accepting that some things are part of a larger plan we may not yet understand.

Further Reading and References

For those interested in exploring these concepts deeper, here are some valuable resources:

1. Psychology Today - Understanding and Processing Anger
   An in-depth exploration of anger as a secondary emotion and its relationship to underlying feelings.
2. Choosing Therapy - Anger as a Secondary Emotion
   Research-based insights into how anger serves as a protective mechanism for more vulnerable emotions.
3. Psychology Today - Tools for Dealing with Anger
   Practical strategies for managing anger and understanding its connection to control.
4. Simply Psychology - Primary and Secondary Emotions
   Academic explanation of how emotions are categorized and processed.
5. Manhattan CBT - Understanding Anger as a Secondary Emotion
   Clinical perspective on the relationship between primary emotions and anger.
6. Tavris, C. (2017). Anger: The Misunderstood Emotion. Touchstone Books.
   A comprehensive examination of anger's role in human psychology and society.

These sources combine academic research, clinical expertise, and practical wisdom to provide a well-rounded understanding of anger and emotional management.

 

Managing the Stress of Parenting

Being a parent provides many fulfilling and beautiful moments. Often, parenthood can encompass the majority of your schedule and is at the forefront of your mind. Occasionally, you might have more trouble coping with the responsibilities of parenting. Learning about stress can be a valuable life lesson.

Stress

Most of the time stress is easy to identify. However, sometimes you might prefer to blame how you are feeling on something else. If you are noticing any of the following symptoms, you might have a high stress level:

• Headaches, stomachaches, or chest pain/heavy chest
• Muscle tension/pain
• Fatigue, sleep problems
• Anxiety, feeling restless, feeling overwhelmed
• Irritability, anger
• Lack of motivation or focus
• Depression, sadness

Many of these symptoms can be attributed to other causes, but if you notice that you also have had a significant lifestyle change – increasing drug or alcohol use, increasing or decreasing how much you eat, are fighting more often, or are not participating in activities that you enjoy – you could be experiencing stress.

Stress is a normal reaction to environmental changes and helps to prepare the body to prioritize and act as necessary to respond to the changes. At times, stress can become constant. The changes that stress causes in the body are helpful in short bursts, but can be hurtful if prolonged, leading to high blood pressure, weight gain, heart disease, diabetes and mental health issues.

Another important side effect of your stress is the impact it has on your children. While many parents think that they can hide their stress, children are able to notice and when parents are stressed and be bothered by it. Stress can make you less understanding and more critical of your child. It can also decrease the quality of your relationship with your children. Furthermore, how you handle your stress is one of the first examples that your children have for how to handle their own stress.

Tips to Handle Stress

Even if you are not feeling the effects of stress, incorporating these tips into your family’s activities can help to prevent stress and teach healthy coping.

• Do a stress self-assessment – Increase awareness of your own habits by asking yourself how you handle stress. Do you drink alcohol or smoke cigarettes? Eat a special treat? Blow off steam by yelling? By paying attention to what choices you make when stressed, you have a firm basis for knowing what might need to be adapted.
• Take some “Me Time” – Being a parent is a 24 hour job. However, taking some time to be you and to relax and rejuvenate can make a significant difference in the quality of parenting that you can provide. Spend time with friends, read a book, go for a walk, take a bath, or re-connect with your spouse over a date night. If finding or affording a babysitter is a challenge, look into community events or gyms that offer free childcare.
• Build healthy habits – Developing a solid routine full of the fundamentals of health can prevent stress from taking over. Make sure to eat as many nutritious foods as you can and eat regularly throughout the day. It is also important to stay hydrated, get enough sleep, and get regular physical activity. Bonus: most children also respond well to consistent schedules.
• Increase quality time – Maybe it is time to say no to extracurricular activities and yes to spending a night at home with the family. Or find a creative way to build quality family time into your schedule.
• Talk – If you are feeling stressed, or notice that your child is, talk about it and help them to understand what role emotions play in life. You may also want to consider talking to a mental health professional, if your stress does not seem to be improving.

Single Parents

If you are raising children on your own, you face some unique stressors. The following tips can help to keep stress at a minimum.

• Know your budget – Financial issues can add up quickly, so keep to your budget. If you need a job or financial assistance paying for groceries or bills, contact employment agencies or local community services for assistance.
• Use support systems – Join a single parent group, keep regular contact with friends, and make connections with other community services. No one can do it totally alone and you need to find appropriate sources of support and sympathy. Your pediatrician or doctor’s office can provide helpful connections to community services if you feel like you do not know where to start.
• Plan child care – Have a list of trusted babysitters ready for any instance where you may need to go somewhere without your children.
• Use consistent discipline – Perhaps your child will be alternating between the home of each parent. Try to work together to provide as consistent a discipline method as possible.
• Talk – Provide time to allow your children to express their thoughts and feelings on any changes in the family, and talk with them – at an appropriate developmental level – to keep them in the loop.

 

Want to talk to a counselor today about this? 

Call Amplified Life at 800-453-7733 and ask for your “Free 15 Minute Phone Consultation" with one of our licensed counselors. We’ll listen, answer questions you may have, and help you plan next steps.

 

 

Sources

• https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-race-good-health/201306/4-tips-managing-parenting-stress
• https://www.healthychildren.org/English/family-life/family-dynamics/types-of-families/Pages/Stresses-of-Single-Parenting.aspx
• http://www.apa.org/helpcenter/managing-stress.aspx
• http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/stress-management/in-depth/stress-symptoms/art-20050987

 

Aging Parents and Adult Children

Having an adult relationship with your parents can be both rewarding and challenging.  Some parents are overly critical, complain when you try to help, or never say “thank you.”  The challenges can become especially difficult as they continue to age.  Transitioning to a caregiving role is a major shift as the parent/child roles begin to reverse.  You must determine how to care for yourself and focus on your parent as well, and the stress of this task can strain your relationship and affect your physical and emotional wellbeing. 

The Aging Process

In many ways, aging is a grieving process.  Older adults slowly lose their independence, as their mind and body fail to function properly.  Your aging loved one may need to transition from their home to yours or another medical facility.  Try to be empathic with them and consider how you would feel if you lost control of your body.  How would you react if decisions were made about your life and future without your consent?  When you put yourself in your aging loved one’s shoes you might better understand why they are experiencing grief-like symptoms. 

 

Transition Tips for Aging Parents and Adult Children

The following guidelines provide information to help you practice good self-care and caregiving skills. 

Self-care Tips

• Care for yourself first- Caregiver stress can cause physical, emotional, and mental problems. When we don’t prioritize ourselves we limit our caregiving efforts.  It’s important to get proper rest, good nutrition, and regular exercise to maintain our optimal health.  When we feel better we’re able to enjoy our loved ones more.  Ask for help and delegate tasks to other family members if you need it.    
• No comparisons- Every adult child is different. You need to be comfortable saying “no” when you’re unable to physically or emotionally handle a responsibility.  Just because another friend caring for their parent can accomplish the task doesn’t mean it’s necessarily right for you.  Know your limitations.  Also, it’s wise to avoid comparing your relationship with your parents to other families.  Every family has its own unique challenges. 
• Understand your anxiety- Relationships with our parents can sometimes be difficult. When we’re stressed and anxious about other areas of life it’s easy to direct those emotions toward those we love most.  The more easily you can identify when you are stressed or anxious, the better equipped you’ll be to know when to handle situations with your parents.  Choose a time you’re calm and able to do your best thinking. 
• Accept a lack of recognition- It can be challenging, but it’s important to grasp you may not receive praise and thanks for taking on this responsibility. Some parents struggle deeply with change and the fear of aging, so they’re unable to express their appreciation.  It’s important to focus on why the job is important, rather than the lack of recognition.

Caregiving Tips

• Practice empathy- If your parent is experiencing chronic pain it’s difficult to be in a happy mood all the time. They may put on a front in front of others but feel comfortable to express themselves with family.  Try to understand what pains your parent is feeling as well as the physical and cognitive losses.  This can help you empathize with their moods, comments, and expressions. 
• Listen- Listening is the greatest honor you could give as it honors your parent. Be patient with them, as it might take longer to articulate their thoughts, especially their fears and stories.
  • Fears- The aging process can be scary. It’s possible your parent is experiencing rational or irrational fears.  Listening to them can calm their nerves.  Try to explain facts in a simple, non-threatening way. 
  • Repetition- Be kind toward your parent when they repeat themselves. Perhaps, you’re hearing the same childhood story for the thousandth time.  Also, if they’re struggling with technology use, remember that some tasks are extremely difficult with memory loss or degenerating eyesight.  Be patient, as you would be with a child struggling to read or tie their shoes. 
• Watch for personality changes- Cognitive difficulties can alter your parent’s personality. In addition, medication can impact personality.  It’s important to contact their physician if there are any sudden changes.  You may be accused of trying to hurt them, or they might be suspicious of you.  They could have sudden outbursts, yell, and become visibly distressed.  Try not to take these personally, as this is not the true heart of your parent. 
• Give back power- It can be easy to do certain tasks for your parent simply because you can do it faster. Things might be calmer if you give some control over to your parent, even in small areas.  Also, ask for their input about decisions that affect their life.  Giving back power, even if it’s minimal, can greatly improve your relationship.

The process of giving up control over your life isn’t easy for anyone.  However, when we’re able to walk our parents through decision-making with small changes, they are more likely to trust us with the big ones.  Ultimately, doing the right thing for your parent’s wellbeing is what matters most, to both of you.

 

Want to talk to a counselor today about this? 

Call Amplified Life at 800-453-7733 and ask for your “Free 15 Minute Phone Consultation" with one of our licensed counselors. We’ll listen, answer questions you may have, and help you plan next steps.

 

Sources:

http://www.state.gov/m/dghr/flo/c23141.htm