children

Ever noticed how your blood starts to boil when someone cuts you off in traffic? Or how about that surge of rage when your carefully laid plans fall apart? We tend to think of anger as a primary response, but here's the profound truth: anger is usually just the bodyguard of our deeper emotions.

According to psychological research, anger typically serves as a secondary emotion - one that shows up to protect us from more vulnerable feelings. Think of it as your emotional bouncer, stepping in when feelings like helplessness, disappointment, or fear become too overwhelming.

The Illusion of Control

We humans are vessels of complex emotions, walking around with an invisible backpack full of expectations about how things "should" be:

• That driver should use their turn signal
• My partner should know what I'm thinking
• Life should go according to my plans

When reality doesn't align with these expectations, we feel a loss of control. And that's where wisdom enters the picture. Research shows that anger usually occurs when people aren't in control of a situation. It's our natural response to feeling powerless, though there's often a greater purpose in releasing that need for control.

The Expectations Trap

Here's the transformative truth: most of our anger stems from unrealistic expectations we've created in our minds. We craft these perfect scenarios, these idealized versions of how things should unfold. Then, when life presents its mysterious ways and unexpected turns, we feel betrayed.

Consider this: How often is your anger actually about the thing that triggered it? That burst of rage when your coffee spills - is it really about the coffee, or is it about feeling like you can't control even this small part of your morning? Perhaps there's a deeper lesson in learning to accept what we cannot change.

Finding Peace Through Understanding

The path to managing anger isn't about suppressing it or pretending it doesn't exist. Instead, experts suggest we need to:

1. Recognize anger as a messenger, not the source
2. Look beneath the anger to find the primary emotion
3. Question our expectations - are they serving our highest good?
4. Practice acceptance of what lies beyond our control

When we surrender our grip on controlling every outcome, we discover a different kind of strength - the power to respond with grace and understanding. This acceptance opens the door to a peace that transcends our circumstances.

A Higher Perspective

Consider that every moment of anger might be an invitation to grow, to learn, and to develop a deeper understanding of ourselves and others. In our moments of frustration, we're often being called to something greater than our immediate desires - perhaps to develop patience, show mercy, or find strength in gentleness.

Remember: Your anger isn't the enemy. It's a messenger trying to guide you toward deeper truths about yourself and your relationship with the world around you. Listen to it with an open heart, learn from it with humility, but don't let it overshadow the peace that comes from accepting that some things are part of a larger plan we may not yet understand.

Further Reading and References

For those interested in exploring these concepts deeper, here are some valuable resources:

1. Psychology Today - Understanding and Processing Anger
   An in-depth exploration of anger as a secondary emotion and its relationship to underlying feelings.
2. Choosing Therapy - Anger as a Secondary Emotion
   Research-based insights into how anger serves as a protective mechanism for more vulnerable emotions.
3. Psychology Today - Tools for Dealing with Anger
   Practical strategies for managing anger and understanding its connection to control.
4. Simply Psychology - Primary and Secondary Emotions
   Academic explanation of how emotions are categorized and processed.
5. Manhattan CBT - Understanding Anger as a Secondary Emotion
   Clinical perspective on the relationship between primary emotions and anger.
6. Tavris, C. (2017). Anger: The Misunderstood Emotion. Touchstone Books.
   A comprehensive examination of anger's role in human psychology and society.

These sources combine academic research, clinical expertise, and practical wisdom to provide a well-rounded understanding of anger and emotional management.

 

Managing the Stress of Parenting

Being a parent provides many fulfilling and beautiful moments. Often, parenthood can encompass the majority of your schedule and is at the forefront of your mind. Occasionally, you might have more trouble coping with the responsibilities of parenting. Learning about stress can be a valuable life lesson.

Stress

Most of the time stress is easy to identify. However, sometimes you might prefer to blame how you are feeling on something else. If you are noticing any of the following symptoms, you might have a high stress level:

• Headaches, stomachaches, or chest pain/heavy chest
• Muscle tension/pain
• Fatigue, sleep problems
• Anxiety, feeling restless, feeling overwhelmed
• Irritability, anger
• Lack of motivation or focus
• Depression, sadness

Many of these symptoms can be attributed to other causes, but if you notice that you also have had a significant lifestyle change – increasing drug or alcohol use, increasing or decreasing how much you eat, are fighting more often, or are not participating in activities that you enjoy – you could be experiencing stress.

Stress is a normal reaction to environmental changes and helps to prepare the body to prioritize and act as necessary to respond to the changes. At times, stress can become constant. The changes that stress causes in the body are helpful in short bursts, but can be hurtful if prolonged, leading to high blood pressure, weight gain, heart disease, diabetes and mental health issues.

Another important side effect of your stress is the impact it has on your children. While many parents think that they can hide their stress, children are able to notice and when parents are stressed and be bothered by it. Stress can make you less understanding and more critical of your child. It can also decrease the quality of your relationship with your children. Furthermore, how you handle your stress is one of the first examples that your children have for how to handle their own stress.

Tips to Handle Stress

Even if you are not feeling the effects of stress, incorporating these tips into your family’s activities can help to prevent stress and teach healthy coping.

• Do a stress self-assessment – Increase awareness of your own habits by asking yourself how you handle stress. Do you drink alcohol or smoke cigarettes? Eat a special treat? Blow off steam by yelling? By paying attention to what choices you make when stressed, you have a firm basis for knowing what might need to be adapted.
• Take some “Me Time” – Being a parent is a 24 hour job. However, taking some time to be you and to relax and rejuvenate can make a significant difference in the quality of parenting that you can provide. Spend time with friends, read a book, go for a walk, take a bath, or re-connect with your spouse over a date night. If finding or affording a babysitter is a challenge, look into community events or gyms that offer free childcare.
• Build healthy habits – Developing a solid routine full of the fundamentals of health can prevent stress from taking over. Make sure to eat as many nutritious foods as you can and eat regularly throughout the day. It is also important to stay hydrated, get enough sleep, and get regular physical activity. Bonus: most children also respond well to consistent schedules.
• Increase quality time – Maybe it is time to say no to extracurricular activities and yes to spending a night at home with the family. Or find a creative way to build quality family time into your schedule.
• Talk – If you are feeling stressed, or notice that your child is, talk about it and help them to understand what role emotions play in life. You may also want to consider talking to a mental health professional, if your stress does not seem to be improving.

Single Parents

If you are raising children on your own, you face some unique stressors. The following tips can help to keep stress at a minimum.

• Know your budget – Financial issues can add up quickly, so keep to your budget. If you need a job or financial assistance paying for groceries or bills, contact employment agencies or local community services for assistance.
• Use support systems – Join a single parent group, keep regular contact with friends, and make connections with other community services. No one can do it totally alone and you need to find appropriate sources of support and sympathy. Your pediatrician or doctor’s office can provide helpful connections to community services if you feel like you do not know where to start.
• Plan child care – Have a list of trusted babysitters ready for any instance where you may need to go somewhere without your children.
• Use consistent discipline – Perhaps your child will be alternating between the home of each parent. Try to work together to provide as consistent a discipline method as possible.
• Talk – Provide time to allow your children to express their thoughts and feelings on any changes in the family, and talk with them – at an appropriate developmental level – to keep them in the loop.

 

Want to talk to a counselor today about this? 

Call Amplified Life at 800-453-7733 and ask for your “Free 15 Minute Phone Consultation" with one of our licensed counselors. We’ll listen, answer questions you may have, and help you plan next steps.

 

 

Sources

• https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-race-good-health/201306/4-tips-managing-parenting-stress
• https://www.healthychildren.org/English/family-life/family-dynamics/types-of-families/Pages/Stresses-of-Single-Parenting.aspx
• http://www.apa.org/helpcenter/managing-stress.aspx
• http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/stress-management/in-depth/stress-symptoms/art-20050987

 

Successful Stepfamilies

With many marriages ending in divorce, stepfamilies are becoming even more commonplace. Though your may find your family growing in number, cultivating a successful stepfamily takes time, compromise, and motivation. 

Stepfamilies Defined

Traditionally, a stepfamily has been defined as a family where a parent has at least one child not biologically (or legally, in terms of adoption) related to the other parent.  This child may live with one biological parent and visits the other biological parent, or he or she may equally split time between both original parents. Other times a child has a lost a parent and the living parent will remarry.

 

There are many variations of stepfamilies.  Whereas the term stepfamily once referred only to married couples, cohabitating relationships where one or both parents had existing children are now recognized as stepfamilies.  Grown children, in the case of parental death, will often refer to their parent’s new spouse as a stepparent, even though they never lived under the same roof.

Blended families are also a form of stepfamily.  This is where both partners come into the marriage or relationship with existing children.  Blended families have many of the same challenges as other stepfamilies as well as unique ones.

Transition Process

As a stepfamily or blended family is beginning the process of transition, there are often some growing pains along the way.  Adapting to new routines requires compromise for everyone.  Emotions usually run high; guilt over a divorce, anger about sacrifices made, worry about the stepfamily transition, and jealousy between stepsiblings are fairly common responses. 

 

Stepparents may struggle in the transition process to figure out their new roles.  Questions over discipline, rule-setting, and household responsibilities are priorities to address.  These may cause insecurity and uncertainty in the new stepparent.  Parents also worry about perceived favoritism between biological and stepchildren. 

Similarly, kids face transitional unrest.  Children may feel caught between both biological parents, not wanting to upset either one.  In addition, your child will need to learn how to “share” you with your new spouse.  Sharing may also extend to their home and belongings if your new spouse or partner moved into your home.

Struggling Stepfamily Signs

With all these changes, stress is at an elevated rate.  Here are some key warning signs of a stepfamily struggling with change:

• Behavior- A child may show unexpected anger or behavioral aggression toward another family member. Children may cry more than usual and isolate themselves from other family members and friends. 
• Activity challenges- Families sometimes face difficulty finding a shared activity they all can enjoy. Heightened emotions and constant conflict make shared family time challenging.
• Discipline- The stepparent has difficulty disciplining a stepchild and/or disagrees with current discipline methods. This can cause conflict within the marriage. 

Strategies for Successful Stepfamilies

Tension and family distress do not have to be the norm for beginning stepfamilies.  The following suggestions are designed to improve unity within the family:

 

For Everyone:

• Consider- Give everyone a say. Parents may have the final word, but considering everyone’s thoughts and feelings may help eliminate irrational fears about the stepfamily transition.
• Process- Transition takes time. Attempting to rush the process to adapt will only cause more stress.  Respect the process, as trusting relationships between stepparents, children, and stepsiblings take time to develop. 

For Parents:

• Respect- Be cautious not to speak poorly about your ex in front of your children. Shaming your former spouse or using your children as messengers is not a good policy.  Never ask your child to spy on your ex and his/her new partner or speak negatively about them.  This places your child in an unfair and unfortunate situation, so be respectful to both your child and ex. 
• Make Time- Carve out time with your children to participate in their favorite activities. Let them speak honestly about their fears and concerns with the new family.  Reassure them you will always love them.
• Don’t Assume- Even grown children who are independent adults may struggle with knowing their place in a new stepfamily situation. Listen to their concerns and encourage them to play a positive role in the new family. 

For Stepparents:

• Space- Every child needs some amount of privacy. Rather than feel shut off from the child, respect the space they need to function better.
• Don’t Personalize- Stepchildren may not warm up to you immediately. Try not to take things personally, as their reactions may be more about the process itself than you as an individual. 

For Stepfamilies with a New Baby:

• Explain- Talk to your children about the possibility of a new baby. Explain how things might change.  Give opportunities for them to express fears or concerns about the new baby. 
• Teamwork- Allow the children to help with the new baby. Feeling included helps alleviate feelings of being overlooked and forgotten. 

While the challenges are very real for today’s stepfamilies, so are the rewards.  If your stepfamily is still experiencing growing pains in the adjustment process, ask for help.  Family therapy is an excellent tool for working through everyone’s emotions in the transition.  For additional help, check out the National Stepfamily Resource Center at www.stepfamilies.info. 

 

Want to talk to a counselor today about this? 

Call Amplified Life at 800-453-7733 and ask for your “Free 15 Minute Phone Consultation" with one of our licensed counselors. We’ll listen, answer questions you may have, and help you plan next steps.

Sources

http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-living/childrens-health/in-depth/stepfamilies/art-20047046

http://stepfamilies.info