family

Let's talk about marriage myths, folks - those relationship "rules" that have been passed down like your great-aunt's questionable casserole recipe. Dr. John Gottman, after studying thousands of couples, discovered that many of our cherished beliefs about marriage are about as accurate as a screen door on a submarine.

Myth #1: Perfect Communication Solves Everything

Ah yes, the "if we just communicate better" myth. News flash: According to the Gottman Institute, 69% of relationship problems are perpetual. That's right - even couples who've been married for 50 years still argue about whose turn it is to take out the trash. The secret isn't becoming a mind reader; it's learning to navigate disagreements without turning into a reality TV show.

Myth #2: Marriage Should Be 50/50

If you're keeping score in your marriage like it's a basketball game, you're doing it wrong. Dr. Gottman's research shows that it's not about splitting tasks 50/50, but about each partner feeling that responsibilities are shared fairly. Sometimes it's 60/40, sometimes 80/20, and sometimes it's 100/0 when your spouse has the flu and you're playing nurse while trying not to catch whatever plague they're brewing.

Myth #3: Fighting Means Your Marriage Is Doomed

If this were true, considering that 75% of couples cite conflict as a major issue, every couple on the planet would be divorced by now. The real problem isn't fighting about which way the toilet paper should roll (over is clearly correct, by the way). It's contempt that predicts divorce - you know, that eye-rolling, "I'm married to a moron" attitude that makes your mother-in-law proud.

Myth #4: "Love Is All You Need" (Sorry, Beatles)

Love is great, but it's not enough to keep your marriage running smoothly. You also need:

• A sense of humor (especially when your spouse tries to "fix" the washing machine)

• Selective hearing (particularly during sports seasons)

• The ability to pretend you don't see them eating chocolate in the pantry at midnight

• A shared understanding that the thermostat wars will never truly end

The Real Truth About Marriage

According to decades of research, couples' interactions have about 80% stability over time. Think less "Romeo and Juliet" (they died, remember?) and more "Tom and Jerry" - they chase each other around, cause chaos, but somehow stay together. Your spouse should be your best friend - the person you want to share memes with at 2 AM and the one who knows why that one episode of "The Office" always makes you cry.

Some Problems Never Die

About two-thirds of marriage problems are permanent. It's like that one weird noise your car makes - you learn to live with it. He'll never load the dishwasher "correctly," and you'll never understand his fascination with collecting vintage rubber bands. It's fine.

What Actually Works (The Not-So-Secret Secrets)

1. Friendship First: Research shows that couples who turn toward each other's bids for connection are more likely to have a successful relationship

2. Small Things Matter: Bringing them coffee in their favorite mug matters more than grand gestures

3. Choose Your Battles: Ask yourself, "Will this matter in five years?" If not, maybe let go of how they fold (or don't fold) the towels

Here's the truth: Marriage isn't about living up to some fairy tale standard where you both ride off into the sunset on a unicorn while birds sing Disney songs. It's about finding someone whose weird matches your weird, and then choosing to stick together even when one of you insists on keeping that hideous recliner from college.

Remember, if your marriage doesn't look like a romantic comedy, you're probably doing it right. Real love isn't about grand gestures and perfect harmony - it's about choosing each other every day, even when your spouse is wearing those ratty sweatpants they refuse to throw away.

And hey, if all else fails, remember this: At least you're not stuck in a marriage from "Game of Thrones." Now those folks had problems.

Sources

1. The Gottman Institute - Research on Couples

2. The Gottman Institute - Problems in Relationships

3. The Gottman Institute - Marriage Task Distribution

4. Marriage Conflict Statistics

5. Building Stronger Relationships with the Gottman Method

This article draws from Dr. John Gottman's research spanning over four decades of studying thousands of couples, combining scientific insights with practical wisdom about marriage dynamics.

 

Have you ever jumped at a loud noise and didn't know why? Or felt suddenly anxious in an elevator without understanding the reason? Your mind might be carrying memories that your conscious brain doesn't remember—but your body never forgot. According to Dr. Bessel van der Kolk, a leading trauma expert, "The body keeps the score: the brain writes its memories in either red ink (emergency) or blue ink (calm). Trauma memories come in red."

Your Mind: The Two-Story House

Think of your mind like a house with two floors. The top floor is your conscious mind—where you think, make decisions, and remember things on purpose. The bottom floor is your subconscious—where feelings, old memories, and deep fears live. Research from Mount Sinai's School of Medicine shows that traumatic memories are stored differently in our brains than regular memories, which explains why these two floors don't always communicate well.

When Bad Things Happen: How Trauma Changes Us

Scientists have discovered that when something overwhelming happens, our brains process it differently than everyday experiences. These memories don't get filed away neatly like regular memories. Instead, they're like scattered photographs in the basement of your mind-house, popping up when you least expect them.

A Story About Sarah

Meet Sarah. When she was four, she got stuck in an elevator for an hour. Now she's 35, and if you ask her about elevators, she'll say, "Oh yeah, I got stuck in one as a kid. No big deal." That's her top floor talking—the logical part that remembers the basic facts.

But every time she gets in an elevator, her hands get sweaty, her heart races, and she feels like she can't breathe. This reaction is what scientists call a "trauma response"—when your body remembers even if your mind doesn't.

Why This Matters

The numbers tell an important story: 70% of adults have gone through at least one traumatic experience in their lifetime. That's about 223.4 million people in the U.S. alone. Many of us are carrying around old hurts we don't even remember. The good news? Recent studies show that modern therapy approaches can help heal these hidden wounds, with success rates between 77% and 100%.

Signs Your Past Might Be Affecting Your Present

According to trauma researchers, you might notice:

• Getting really upset over small things
• Feeling scared or angry but not knowing why
• Having strong reactions that seem bigger than the situation
• Avoiding certain places or situations without a clear reason

The Path to Healing

Here's the hopeful part: A 2024 study found that several types of therapy are highly effective in treating trauma, even for people who have experienced multiple traumatic events. You don't have to figure this out alone. Research shows that therapy can help your brain create new connections as it processes trauma memories, helping those two floors of your mind work together again.

Taking the First Step

If you recognize yourself in this story, know that help is available. Studies show that as many as 46% of people with trauma-related symptoms improved within just six weeks of starting therapy. You don't have to understand everything about your past to start healing. Sometimes, just knowing that your reactions make sense is the beginning of feeling better.

Sources and Further Reading

Scientific Research

• Mount Sinai School of Medicine (2023). "Traumatic Memories Are Represented Differently Than Regular Sad Memories in the Brains of People with PTSD"

• Morina, N., et al. (2024). "Psychotherapy Effective for PTSD Following Multiple Traumatic Events". Medical Xpress.

• The Recovery Village (2024). "PTSD Statistics and Facts"

• Van der Kolk, B. (2023). "The Body Keeps the Score: Interview on Trauma". Psychotherapy.net

  
  

  Clinical Studies

  • Rabellino, D., et al. (2016). "Aberrant Functional Connectivity of the Amygdala Complexes in PTSD During Conscious and Subconscious Processing of Trauma-Related Stimuli". PLOS ONE.

  • Psychology Today (2022). "How to Make Peace with Your Trauma Memory"

  Treatment Outcomes

  • SB Treatment (2024). "Trauma Therapy: Success Rates and Effectiveness"

  • National Institute of Mental Health (2024). "Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder Research"

  Additional Resources for Readers

  • National Center for PTSD: www.ptsd.va.gov
  • Trauma-Informed Care Implementation Resource Center: www.traumainformedcare.chcs.org
  • International Society for Traumatic Stress Studies: www.istss.org

  Note: All statistics and research findings cited in this article are current as of February 2025. For the most up-to-date information, please consult with mental health professionals or visit the websites of the organizations listed above.

   

Ever noticed how your blood starts to boil when someone cuts you off in traffic? Or how about that surge of rage when your carefully laid plans fall apart? We tend to think of anger as a primary response, but here's the profound truth: anger is usually just the bodyguard of our deeper emotions.

According to psychological research, anger typically serves as a secondary emotion - one that shows up to protect us from more vulnerable feelings. Think of it as your emotional bouncer, stepping in when feelings like helplessness, disappointment, or fear become too overwhelming.

The Illusion of Control

We humans are vessels of complex emotions, walking around with an invisible backpack full of expectations about how things "should" be:

• That driver should use their turn signal
• My partner should know what I'm thinking
• Life should go according to my plans

When reality doesn't align with these expectations, we feel a loss of control. And that's where wisdom enters the picture. Research shows that anger usually occurs when people aren't in control of a situation. It's our natural response to feeling powerless, though there's often a greater purpose in releasing that need for control.

The Expectations Trap

Here's the transformative truth: most of our anger stems from unrealistic expectations we've created in our minds. We craft these perfect scenarios, these idealized versions of how things should unfold. Then, when life presents its mysterious ways and unexpected turns, we feel betrayed.

Consider this: How often is your anger actually about the thing that triggered it? That burst of rage when your coffee spills - is it really about the coffee, or is it about feeling like you can't control even this small part of your morning? Perhaps there's a deeper lesson in learning to accept what we cannot change.

Finding Peace Through Understanding

The path to managing anger isn't about suppressing it or pretending it doesn't exist. Instead, experts suggest we need to:

1. Recognize anger as a messenger, not the source
2. Look beneath the anger to find the primary emotion
3. Question our expectations - are they serving our highest good?
4. Practice acceptance of what lies beyond our control

When we surrender our grip on controlling every outcome, we discover a different kind of strength - the power to respond with grace and understanding. This acceptance opens the door to a peace that transcends our circumstances.

A Higher Perspective

Consider that every moment of anger might be an invitation to grow, to learn, and to develop a deeper understanding of ourselves and others. In our moments of frustration, we're often being called to something greater than our immediate desires - perhaps to develop patience, show mercy, or find strength in gentleness.

Remember: Your anger isn't the enemy. It's a messenger trying to guide you toward deeper truths about yourself and your relationship with the world around you. Listen to it with an open heart, learn from it with humility, but don't let it overshadow the peace that comes from accepting that some things are part of a larger plan we may not yet understand.

Further Reading and References

For those interested in exploring these concepts deeper, here are some valuable resources:

1. Psychology Today - Understanding and Processing Anger
   An in-depth exploration of anger as a secondary emotion and its relationship to underlying feelings.
2. Choosing Therapy - Anger as a Secondary Emotion
   Research-based insights into how anger serves as a protective mechanism for more vulnerable emotions.
3. Psychology Today - Tools for Dealing with Anger
   Practical strategies for managing anger and understanding its connection to control.
4. Simply Psychology - Primary and Secondary Emotions
   Academic explanation of how emotions are categorized and processed.
5. Manhattan CBT - Understanding Anger as a Secondary Emotion
   Clinical perspective on the relationship between primary emotions and anger.
6. Tavris, C. (2017). Anger: The Misunderstood Emotion. Touchstone Books.
   A comprehensive examination of anger's role in human psychology and society.

These sources combine academic research, clinical expertise, and practical wisdom to provide a well-rounded understanding of anger and emotional management.

 

Successful Stepfamilies

With many marriages ending in divorce, stepfamilies are becoming even more commonplace. Though your may find your family growing in number, cultivating a successful stepfamily takes time, compromise, and motivation. 

Stepfamilies Defined

Traditionally, a stepfamily has been defined as a family where a parent has at least one child not biologically (or legally, in terms of adoption) related to the other parent.  This child may live with one biological parent and visits the other biological parent, or he or she may equally split time between both original parents. Other times a child has a lost a parent and the living parent will remarry.

 

There are many variations of stepfamilies.  Whereas the term stepfamily once referred only to married couples, cohabitating relationships where one or both parents had existing children are now recognized as stepfamilies.  Grown children, in the case of parental death, will often refer to their parent’s new spouse as a stepparent, even though they never lived under the same roof.

Blended families are also a form of stepfamily.  This is where both partners come into the marriage or relationship with existing children.  Blended families have many of the same challenges as other stepfamilies as well as unique ones.

Transition Process

As a stepfamily or blended family is beginning the process of transition, there are often some growing pains along the way.  Adapting to new routines requires compromise for everyone.  Emotions usually run high; guilt over a divorce, anger about sacrifices made, worry about the stepfamily transition, and jealousy between stepsiblings are fairly common responses. 

 

Stepparents may struggle in the transition process to figure out their new roles.  Questions over discipline, rule-setting, and household responsibilities are priorities to address.  These may cause insecurity and uncertainty in the new stepparent.  Parents also worry about perceived favoritism between biological and stepchildren. 

Similarly, kids face transitional unrest.  Children may feel caught between both biological parents, not wanting to upset either one.  In addition, your child will need to learn how to “share” you with your new spouse.  Sharing may also extend to their home and belongings if your new spouse or partner moved into your home.

Struggling Stepfamily Signs

With all these changes, stress is at an elevated rate.  Here are some key warning signs of a stepfamily struggling with change:

• Behavior- A child may show unexpected anger or behavioral aggression toward another family member. Children may cry more than usual and isolate themselves from other family members and friends. 
• Activity challenges- Families sometimes face difficulty finding a shared activity they all can enjoy. Heightened emotions and constant conflict make shared family time challenging.
• Discipline- The stepparent has difficulty disciplining a stepchild and/or disagrees with current discipline methods. This can cause conflict within the marriage. 

Strategies for Successful Stepfamilies

Tension and family distress do not have to be the norm for beginning stepfamilies.  The following suggestions are designed to improve unity within the family:

 

For Everyone:

• Consider- Give everyone a say. Parents may have the final word, but considering everyone’s thoughts and feelings may help eliminate irrational fears about the stepfamily transition.
• Process- Transition takes time. Attempting to rush the process to adapt will only cause more stress.  Respect the process, as trusting relationships between stepparents, children, and stepsiblings take time to develop. 

For Parents:

• Respect- Be cautious not to speak poorly about your ex in front of your children. Shaming your former spouse or using your children as messengers is not a good policy.  Never ask your child to spy on your ex and his/her new partner or speak negatively about them.  This places your child in an unfair and unfortunate situation, so be respectful to both your child and ex. 
• Make Time- Carve out time with your children to participate in their favorite activities. Let them speak honestly about their fears and concerns with the new family.  Reassure them you will always love them.
• Don’t Assume- Even grown children who are independent adults may struggle with knowing their place in a new stepfamily situation. Listen to their concerns and encourage them to play a positive role in the new family. 

For Stepparents:

• Space- Every child needs some amount of privacy. Rather than feel shut off from the child, respect the space they need to function better.
• Don’t Personalize- Stepchildren may not warm up to you immediately. Try not to take things personally, as their reactions may be more about the process itself than you as an individual. 

For Stepfamilies with a New Baby:

• Explain- Talk to your children about the possibility of a new baby. Explain how things might change.  Give opportunities for them to express fears or concerns about the new baby. 
• Teamwork- Allow the children to help with the new baby. Feeling included helps alleviate feelings of being overlooked and forgotten. 

While the challenges are very real for today’s stepfamilies, so are the rewards.  If your stepfamily is still experiencing growing pains in the adjustment process, ask for help.  Family therapy is an excellent tool for working through everyone’s emotions in the transition.  For additional help, check out the National Stepfamily Resource Center at www.stepfamilies.info. 

 

Want to talk to a counselor today about this? 

Call Amplified Life at 800-453-7733 and ask for your “Free 15 Minute Phone Consultation" with one of our licensed counselors. We’ll listen, answer questions you may have, and help you plan next steps.

Sources

http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-living/childrens-health/in-depth/stepfamilies/art-20047046

http://stepfamilies.info

Balancing Work and Family

Managing our daily 24 hours is easier some days more than others.  Attempting to care for our bodies, getting proper rest, and maintaining a household is a full-time job in itself.  Add in work and family responsibilities, and the task becomes even more challenging.  Even though it is our choice how we use our time, we often become quite stressed attempting to manage it all. 

A common contributor to imbalance between work and family is control.  People often feel like they are losing control when one half of the work and home equation crowds out the other.  When this occurs the overwhelming sense of our to-do list seems more important than the things that give us the greatest enjoyment.  Priorities become mismatched and frustration, anxiety, and even depression gain momentum. 

Out of Balance?

Our lives naturally fall out of balance from time to time.  When this occurs we struggle to regulate our responsibilities and what we enjoy most.  Taking the time to assess how things are going can give us insight to realign our priorities.  This allows us to balance our time and make changes to reflect our values.  There are several questions you can ask yourself to see if work and family life have fallen out of balance: 

• Do you regularly set aside time to spend with your family?
• When you are with family, do you feel anxious or guilty about not working?
• At work, what triggers you to feel like you should be spending more time with your family?

Out of Balance Consequences

Failing to find the balance between work and family produces undesired consequences, such as a loss of energy.  While you are at work your productivity level will suffer in the long run from overwork and the stress that comes with it.  At home you may feel too tired to enjoy your spouse and/or children. 

Another common byproduct of working harder is increased responsibility.  It is easy to take on more than you can handle appropriately.  Working long hours may also cause you to miss out on important family moments and milestones. 

Strategies for Achieving Greater Balance

If you are feeling overwhelmed by your schedule or guilty about the imbalance in your life, be encouraged.  This is a common problem; there are only 24 hours in a day and invariably some tasks and activities take longer than anticipated.  Second, you are not destined to stay stuck in this cycle.  The following strategies will help you move past an overcrowded schedule to a place of balance between attending to your responsibilities and that which you love to do. 

 

For Work:

• Scheduling- Pay attention to your work commitments. Are there any adjustments you can make to free up more time for home?  The most difficult tasks should be scheduled for when you are usually the most productive.
• Distractions- There may be times of the day you are more likely to be distracted or procrastinate. How could you use your time more efficiently during this period?  Are you checking social media too often or reading emails at a less productive time?  Prioritize to maximize your time.
• Separation- Leave work at work. The more you focus on work at home the greater the lines blur between both worlds. 

For Family:

• Values- Write down what you desire most from life. What activities are important for you to do with your family?  Volunteer work? Extracurricular sports?  Determine what is non-negotiable in your life. 
• Say no- Determine what your values are and practice saying no. This helps you avoid becoming overcommitted.
• Care- When schedules are cramped, proper self-care is less likely to occur. Do your best to eat healthy, get plenty of rest, and take time for what you enjoy most.

For Work and Family:

• Organize- Is your work space messy? Is your home cluttered?  Taking time to organize will save you time and energy in the long run.  As an added bonus, you will probably get more done in less time.
• Teamwork- Sharing responsibility is one way to lighten the load for everyone. Whether at work or at home, if everyone chips in to get the job done, stress will go down.
• Rewards- Plan at least one fun family activity a week. This will always give you something enjoyable to anticipate.
• Positive- Rather than feeling guilty about what you might need to give up consider all the benefits of a balanced life. Improvements in relationships and work performance are just two of the many positive changes that can occur.

If you are still feeling a lack of control between work and family consider asking a professional for help or even advice.  Often, workplaces have Employee Assistance Programs (EAP) to guide you in these situations.  Remember, life will happen.  When it does, things will typically fall out of balance for a time.  Stay positive.  Use the knowledge you’ve gained, take a step back, and assess.  Proper planning is always a good start to swing an imbalanced life back into perspective. 

 

Want to talk to a counselor today about this? 

Call Amplified Life at 800-453-7733 and ask for your “Free 15 Minute Phone Consultation" with one of our licensed counselors. We’ll listen, answer questions you may have, and help you plan next steps.

 

Sources

http://www.ucdmc.ucdavis.edu/hr/hrdepts/asap/Documents/Balancing_Work_and_Family.pdf

http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-living/adult-health/in-depth/work-life-balance/art-20048134

 

 

Improving Family Relations

Every family is its own unique combination of people and personalities.  Even though they come in all shapes and sizes, healthy families have some commonalities.  A healthy family is comprised of people who love each other and are able to respect each other’s similarities and differences.  Healthy families also know how to compromise, and they are fiercely resilient; they bounce back after crisis and periods of prolonged stress.

Negative Coping Strategies

Obviously, not all families have healthy relationships.  Some members incorporate negative strategies for coping with stress.  Some examples are distancing, overdoing/underdoing, focusing on a child, or jumping into conflict.  These negative ways of managing stress harm the family dynamic:

 

Distancing- This unhealthy strategy occurs when family members avoid conversations together because they are concerned about potential conflict.  They stop sharing their thoughts and feelings and fail to spend real time together.

 

Overdoing/underdoing- With this negative coping method, one or more family members begin to assume the responsibilities of others.  When this happens, the remaining members decrease their efforts.  Family members can easily become stuck in this imbalance of responsibility.

 

Focusing on a child- To avoid conflict, some families will simply focus on a child instead.  When severe stress or fighting begins, children are usually the most vulnerable in the household.  Therefore, parents will focus their attention solely on that child to calm things down.  Their intentions might be good, but often the child reacts to this intense pressure and increased attention.  These children will typically begin to act out or develop physical or emotional symptoms.

 

Conflict- A final negative coping mechanism is conflict itself.  Some families will start an all-out war when they’re stressed, engaging in yelling and emotional abuse.  The smallest disagreement could set someone off, creating a hostile environment. 

 

Tips to Improve Family Relations

There are many positive ways to manage stress and handle conflict.  The following strategies for communication skills, relational values, and personal and family responsibilities provide simple solutions for improving family dynamics:

 

Communication Skills

• Communicate openly- Unlike the negative strategy of distancing, family members feel comfortable asking for help if needed. They’re able to speak up when they disagree.  If they see a different solution to a problem, they voice it.  Because conflict is unavoidable in a family, open communication is essential.
• Think before you speak- Responsible family members think first and then speak. Too often we automatically react to a situation based purely on emotion.  If we are able to create some space and consider the other’s perspective and thoughts, we can focus on responding instead of reacting.  Problem solving and compromise are much easier when they come from a non-reactive place. 

Relational Values

• Explore values- Family members won’t agree on everything. There will be preferences for different hobbies, tastes, or even political or religious views. However, there are common values that family members may choose to share and uphold.  For example, a shared value might be showing mutual respect for all family members.  Another might be to demonstrate appreciation for one another with acts of kindness.  Shared values become the mortar for a strong family foundation.
• Develop one-to-one relationships- In a healthy family unit, every individual has a solid relationship with every other person. No one teams up, complains, or gossips in a family member’s absence.

Personal and Family Responsibilities

• Take personal responsibility- Schedules today are often very full. Families can easily fall out of sync and become unclear about who is doing what.  Certain family members may take on more than what is required of them.  Others might be all too willing to allow that to occur, so they can have fewer responsibilities.  Conflict arises when one assumes another will handle a situation, and they don’t.  In a healthy family, individuals own their personal responsibilities and accept any consequences for failing to do so.  Family members encourage one another and hold each other accountable.
• Ask for help- Stress happens to every family. A strong, healthy family focuses on the positive in challenging times. Family members are able to pull together, share responsibilities, and problem solve.  If the family needs additional help, strong families don’t hesitate to ask for it.  Friends, neighbors, religious communities, or helping professionals all serve as excellent resources for families. 

The success of a healthy family largely comes down to being together.  When you make time for one another, you communicate that you care with more than just your words.  Make time to have fun and celebrate each other’s victories.  Listen to one another’s stories, thoughts, and feelings.  Make memories and laugh together.  When working toward the common goal of a healthy family, everyone has a shared interest in success. 

 

Want to talk to a counselor today about this? 

Call Amplified Life at 800-453-7733 and ask for your “Free 15 Minute Phone Consultation" with one of our licensed counselors. We’ll listen, answer questions you may have, and help you plan next steps.

 

Sources:

http://www.advocatesforyouth.org/publications/1229-strengthening-family-relationships

http://www.childwelfare.gov