aging

Let's talk about marriage myths, folks - those relationship "rules" that have been passed down like your great-aunt's questionable casserole recipe. Dr. John Gottman, after studying thousands of couples, discovered that many of our cherished beliefs about marriage are about as accurate as a screen door on a submarine.

Myth #1: Perfect Communication Solves Everything

Ah yes, the "if we just communicate better" myth. News flash: According to the Gottman Institute, 69% of relationship problems are perpetual. That's right - even couples who've been married for 50 years still argue about whose turn it is to take out the trash. The secret isn't becoming a mind reader; it's learning to navigate disagreements without turning into a reality TV show.

Myth #2: Marriage Should Be 50/50

If you're keeping score in your marriage like it's a basketball game, you're doing it wrong. Dr. Gottman's research shows that it's not about splitting tasks 50/50, but about each partner feeling that responsibilities are shared fairly. Sometimes it's 60/40, sometimes 80/20, and sometimes it's 100/0 when your spouse has the flu and you're playing nurse while trying not to catch whatever plague they're brewing.

Myth #3: Fighting Means Your Marriage Is Doomed

If this were true, considering that 75% of couples cite conflict as a major issue, every couple on the planet would be divorced by now. The real problem isn't fighting about which way the toilet paper should roll (over is clearly correct, by the way). It's contempt that predicts divorce - you know, that eye-rolling, "I'm married to a moron" attitude that makes your mother-in-law proud.

Myth #4: "Love Is All You Need" (Sorry, Beatles)

Love is great, but it's not enough to keep your marriage running smoothly. You also need:

• A sense of humor (especially when your spouse tries to "fix" the washing machine)

• Selective hearing (particularly during sports seasons)

• The ability to pretend you don't see them eating chocolate in the pantry at midnight

• A shared understanding that the thermostat wars will never truly end

The Real Truth About Marriage

According to decades of research, couples' interactions have about 80% stability over time. Think less "Romeo and Juliet" (they died, remember?) and more "Tom and Jerry" - they chase each other around, cause chaos, but somehow stay together. Your spouse should be your best friend - the person you want to share memes with at 2 AM and the one who knows why that one episode of "The Office" always makes you cry.

Some Problems Never Die

About two-thirds of marriage problems are permanent. It's like that one weird noise your car makes - you learn to live with it. He'll never load the dishwasher "correctly," and you'll never understand his fascination with collecting vintage rubber bands. It's fine.

What Actually Works (The Not-So-Secret Secrets)

1. Friendship First: Research shows that couples who turn toward each other's bids for connection are more likely to have a successful relationship

2. Small Things Matter: Bringing them coffee in their favorite mug matters more than grand gestures

3. Choose Your Battles: Ask yourself, "Will this matter in five years?" If not, maybe let go of how they fold (or don't fold) the towels

Here's the truth: Marriage isn't about living up to some fairy tale standard where you both ride off into the sunset on a unicorn while birds sing Disney songs. It's about finding someone whose weird matches your weird, and then choosing to stick together even when one of you insists on keeping that hideous recliner from college.

Remember, if your marriage doesn't look like a romantic comedy, you're probably doing it right. Real love isn't about grand gestures and perfect harmony - it's about choosing each other every day, even when your spouse is wearing those ratty sweatpants they refuse to throw away.

And hey, if all else fails, remember this: At least you're not stuck in a marriage from "Game of Thrones." Now those folks had problems.

Sources

1. The Gottman Institute - Research on Couples

2. The Gottman Institute - Problems in Relationships

3. The Gottman Institute - Marriage Task Distribution

4. Marriage Conflict Statistics

5. Building Stronger Relationships with the Gottman Method

This article draws from Dr. John Gottman's research spanning over four decades of studying thousands of couples, combining scientific insights with practical wisdom about marriage dynamics.

 

Have you ever jumped at a loud noise and didn't know why? Or felt suddenly anxious in an elevator without understanding the reason? Your mind might be carrying memories that your conscious brain doesn't remember—but your body never forgot. According to Dr. Bessel van der Kolk, a leading trauma expert, "The body keeps the score: the brain writes its memories in either red ink (emergency) or blue ink (calm). Trauma memories come in red."

Your Mind: The Two-Story House

Think of your mind like a house with two floors. The top floor is your conscious mind—where you think, make decisions, and remember things on purpose. The bottom floor is your subconscious—where feelings, old memories, and deep fears live. Research from Mount Sinai's School of Medicine shows that traumatic memories are stored differently in our brains than regular memories, which explains why these two floors don't always communicate well.

When Bad Things Happen: How Trauma Changes Us

Scientists have discovered that when something overwhelming happens, our brains process it differently than everyday experiences. These memories don't get filed away neatly like regular memories. Instead, they're like scattered photographs in the basement of your mind-house, popping up when you least expect them.

A Story About Sarah

Meet Sarah. When she was four, she got stuck in an elevator for an hour. Now she's 35, and if you ask her about elevators, she'll say, "Oh yeah, I got stuck in one as a kid. No big deal." That's her top floor talking—the logical part that remembers the basic facts.

But every time she gets in an elevator, her hands get sweaty, her heart races, and she feels like she can't breathe. This reaction is what scientists call a "trauma response"—when your body remembers even if your mind doesn't.

Why This Matters

The numbers tell an important story: 70% of adults have gone through at least one traumatic experience in their lifetime. That's about 223.4 million people in the U.S. alone. Many of us are carrying around old hurts we don't even remember. The good news? Recent studies show that modern therapy approaches can help heal these hidden wounds, with success rates between 77% and 100%.

Signs Your Past Might Be Affecting Your Present

According to trauma researchers, you might notice:

• Getting really upset over small things
• Feeling scared or angry but not knowing why
• Having strong reactions that seem bigger than the situation
• Avoiding certain places or situations without a clear reason

The Path to Healing

Here's the hopeful part: A 2024 study found that several types of therapy are highly effective in treating trauma, even for people who have experienced multiple traumatic events. You don't have to figure this out alone. Research shows that therapy can help your brain create new connections as it processes trauma memories, helping those two floors of your mind work together again.

Taking the First Step

If you recognize yourself in this story, know that help is available. Studies show that as many as 46% of people with trauma-related symptoms improved within just six weeks of starting therapy. You don't have to understand everything about your past to start healing. Sometimes, just knowing that your reactions make sense is the beginning of feeling better.

Sources and Further Reading

Scientific Research

• Mount Sinai School of Medicine (2023). "Traumatic Memories Are Represented Differently Than Regular Sad Memories in the Brains of People with PTSD"

• Morina, N., et al. (2024). "Psychotherapy Effective for PTSD Following Multiple Traumatic Events". Medical Xpress.

• The Recovery Village (2024). "PTSD Statistics and Facts"

• Van der Kolk, B. (2023). "The Body Keeps the Score: Interview on Trauma". Psychotherapy.net

  
  

  Clinical Studies

  • Rabellino, D., et al. (2016). "Aberrant Functional Connectivity of the Amygdala Complexes in PTSD During Conscious and Subconscious Processing of Trauma-Related Stimuli". PLOS ONE.

  • Psychology Today (2022). "How to Make Peace with Your Trauma Memory"

  Treatment Outcomes

  • SB Treatment (2024). "Trauma Therapy: Success Rates and Effectiveness"

  • National Institute of Mental Health (2024). "Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder Research"

  Additional Resources for Readers

  • National Center for PTSD: www.ptsd.va.gov
  • Trauma-Informed Care Implementation Resource Center: www.traumainformedcare.chcs.org
  • International Society for Traumatic Stress Studies: www.istss.org

  Note: All statistics and research findings cited in this article are current as of February 2025. For the most up-to-date information, please consult with mental health professionals or visit the websites of the organizations listed above.

   

Aging Parents and Adult Children

Having an adult relationship with your parents can be both rewarding and challenging.  Some parents are overly critical, complain when you try to help, or never say “thank you.”  The challenges can become especially difficult as they continue to age.  Transitioning to a caregiving role is a major shift as the parent/child roles begin to reverse.  You must determine how to care for yourself and focus on your parent as well, and the stress of this task can strain your relationship and affect your physical and emotional wellbeing. 

The Aging Process

In many ways, aging is a grieving process.  Older adults slowly lose their independence, as their mind and body fail to function properly.  Your aging loved one may need to transition from their home to yours or another medical facility.  Try to be empathic with them and consider how you would feel if you lost control of your body.  How would you react if decisions were made about your life and future without your consent?  When you put yourself in your aging loved one’s shoes you might better understand why they are experiencing grief-like symptoms. 

 

Transition Tips for Aging Parents and Adult Children

The following guidelines provide information to help you practice good self-care and caregiving skills. 

Self-care Tips

• Care for yourself first- Caregiver stress can cause physical, emotional, and mental problems. When we don’t prioritize ourselves we limit our caregiving efforts.  It’s important to get proper rest, good nutrition, and regular exercise to maintain our optimal health.  When we feel better we’re able to enjoy our loved ones more.  Ask for help and delegate tasks to other family members if you need it.    
• No comparisons- Every adult child is different. You need to be comfortable saying “no” when you’re unable to physically or emotionally handle a responsibility.  Just because another friend caring for their parent can accomplish the task doesn’t mean it’s necessarily right for you.  Know your limitations.  Also, it’s wise to avoid comparing your relationship with your parents to other families.  Every family has its own unique challenges. 
• Understand your anxiety- Relationships with our parents can sometimes be difficult. When we’re stressed and anxious about other areas of life it’s easy to direct those emotions toward those we love most.  The more easily you can identify when you are stressed or anxious, the better equipped you’ll be to know when to handle situations with your parents.  Choose a time you’re calm and able to do your best thinking. 
• Accept a lack of recognition- It can be challenging, but it’s important to grasp you may not receive praise and thanks for taking on this responsibility. Some parents struggle deeply with change and the fear of aging, so they’re unable to express their appreciation.  It’s important to focus on why the job is important, rather than the lack of recognition.

Caregiving Tips

• Practice empathy- If your parent is experiencing chronic pain it’s difficult to be in a happy mood all the time. They may put on a front in front of others but feel comfortable to express themselves with family.  Try to understand what pains your parent is feeling as well as the physical and cognitive losses.  This can help you empathize with their moods, comments, and expressions. 
• Listen- Listening is the greatest honor you could give as it honors your parent. Be patient with them, as it might take longer to articulate their thoughts, especially their fears and stories.
  • Fears- The aging process can be scary. It’s possible your parent is experiencing rational or irrational fears.  Listening to them can calm their nerves.  Try to explain facts in a simple, non-threatening way. 
  • Repetition- Be kind toward your parent when they repeat themselves. Perhaps, you’re hearing the same childhood story for the thousandth time.  Also, if they’re struggling with technology use, remember that some tasks are extremely difficult with memory loss or degenerating eyesight.  Be patient, as you would be with a child struggling to read or tie their shoes. 
• Watch for personality changes- Cognitive difficulties can alter your parent’s personality. In addition, medication can impact personality.  It’s important to contact their physician if there are any sudden changes.  You may be accused of trying to hurt them, or they might be suspicious of you.  They could have sudden outbursts, yell, and become visibly distressed.  Try not to take these personally, as this is not the true heart of your parent. 
• Give back power- It can be easy to do certain tasks for your parent simply because you can do it faster. Things might be calmer if you give some control over to your parent, even in small areas.  Also, ask for their input about decisions that affect their life.  Giving back power, even if it’s minimal, can greatly improve your relationship.

The process of giving up control over your life isn’t easy for anyone.  However, when we’re able to walk our parents through decision-making with small changes, they are more likely to trust us with the big ones.  Ultimately, doing the right thing for your parent’s wellbeing is what matters most, to both of you.

 

Want to talk to a counselor today about this? 

Call Amplified Life at 800-453-7733 and ask for your “Free 15 Minute Phone Consultation" with one of our licensed counselors. We’ll listen, answer questions you may have, and help you plan next steps.

 

Sources:

http://www.state.gov/m/dghr/flo/c23141.htm