communication

Have you ever jumped at a loud noise and didn't know why? Or felt suddenly anxious in an elevator without understanding the reason? Your mind might be carrying memories that your conscious brain doesn't remember—but your body never forgot. According to Dr. Bessel van der Kolk, a leading trauma expert, "The body keeps the score: the brain writes its memories in either red ink (emergency) or blue ink (calm). Trauma memories come in red."

Your Mind: The Two-Story House

Think of your mind like a house with two floors. The top floor is your conscious mind—where you think, make decisions, and remember things on purpose. The bottom floor is your subconscious—where feelings, old memories, and deep fears live. Research from Mount Sinai's School of Medicine shows that traumatic memories are stored differently in our brains than regular memories, which explains why these two floors don't always communicate well.

When Bad Things Happen: How Trauma Changes Us

Scientists have discovered that when something overwhelming happens, our brains process it differently than everyday experiences. These memories don't get filed away neatly like regular memories. Instead, they're like scattered photographs in the basement of your mind-house, popping up when you least expect them.

A Story About Sarah

Meet Sarah. When she was four, she got stuck in an elevator for an hour. Now she's 35, and if you ask her about elevators, she'll say, "Oh yeah, I got stuck in one as a kid. No big deal." That's her top floor talking—the logical part that remembers the basic facts.

But every time she gets in an elevator, her hands get sweaty, her heart races, and she feels like she can't breathe. This reaction is what scientists call a "trauma response"—when your body remembers even if your mind doesn't.

Why This Matters

The numbers tell an important story: 70% of adults have gone through at least one traumatic experience in their lifetime. That's about 223.4 million people in the U.S. alone. Many of us are carrying around old hurts we don't even remember. The good news? Recent studies show that modern therapy approaches can help heal these hidden wounds, with success rates between 77% and 100%.

Signs Your Past Might Be Affecting Your Present

According to trauma researchers, you might notice:

• Getting really upset over small things
• Feeling scared or angry but not knowing why
• Having strong reactions that seem bigger than the situation
• Avoiding certain places or situations without a clear reason

The Path to Healing

Here's the hopeful part: A 2024 study found that several types of therapy are highly effective in treating trauma, even for people who have experienced multiple traumatic events. You don't have to figure this out alone. Research shows that therapy can help your brain create new connections as it processes trauma memories, helping those two floors of your mind work together again.

Taking the First Step

If you recognize yourself in this story, know that help is available. Studies show that as many as 46% of people with trauma-related symptoms improved within just six weeks of starting therapy. You don't have to understand everything about your past to start healing. Sometimes, just knowing that your reactions make sense is the beginning of feeling better.

Sources and Further Reading

Scientific Research

• Mount Sinai School of Medicine (2023). "Traumatic Memories Are Represented Differently Than Regular Sad Memories in the Brains of People with PTSD"

• Morina, N., et al. (2024). "Psychotherapy Effective for PTSD Following Multiple Traumatic Events". Medical Xpress.

• The Recovery Village (2024). "PTSD Statistics and Facts"

• Van der Kolk, B. (2023). "The Body Keeps the Score: Interview on Trauma". Psychotherapy.net

  
  

  Clinical Studies

  • Rabellino, D., et al. (2016). "Aberrant Functional Connectivity of the Amygdala Complexes in PTSD During Conscious and Subconscious Processing of Trauma-Related Stimuli". PLOS ONE.

  • Psychology Today (2022). "How to Make Peace with Your Trauma Memory"

  Treatment Outcomes

  • SB Treatment (2024). "Trauma Therapy: Success Rates and Effectiveness"

  • National Institute of Mental Health (2024). "Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder Research"

  Additional Resources for Readers

  • National Center for PTSD: www.ptsd.va.gov
  • Trauma-Informed Care Implementation Resource Center: www.traumainformedcare.chcs.org
  • International Society for Traumatic Stress Studies: www.istss.org

  Note: All statistics and research findings cited in this article are current as of February 2025. For the most up-to-date information, please consult with mental health professionals or visit the websites of the organizations listed above.

   

Ever noticed how your blood starts to boil when someone cuts you off in traffic? Or how about that surge of rage when your carefully laid plans fall apart? We tend to think of anger as a primary response, but here's the profound truth: anger is usually just the bodyguard of our deeper emotions.

According to psychological research, anger typically serves as a secondary emotion - one that shows up to protect us from more vulnerable feelings. Think of it as your emotional bouncer, stepping in when feelings like helplessness, disappointment, or fear become too overwhelming.

The Illusion of Control

We humans are vessels of complex emotions, walking around with an invisible backpack full of expectations about how things "should" be:

• That driver should use their turn signal
• My partner should know what I'm thinking
• Life should go according to my plans

When reality doesn't align with these expectations, we feel a loss of control. And that's where wisdom enters the picture. Research shows that anger usually occurs when people aren't in control of a situation. It's our natural response to feeling powerless, though there's often a greater purpose in releasing that need for control.

The Expectations Trap

Here's the transformative truth: most of our anger stems from unrealistic expectations we've created in our minds. We craft these perfect scenarios, these idealized versions of how things should unfold. Then, when life presents its mysterious ways and unexpected turns, we feel betrayed.

Consider this: How often is your anger actually about the thing that triggered it? That burst of rage when your coffee spills - is it really about the coffee, or is it about feeling like you can't control even this small part of your morning? Perhaps there's a deeper lesson in learning to accept what we cannot change.

Finding Peace Through Understanding

The path to managing anger isn't about suppressing it or pretending it doesn't exist. Instead, experts suggest we need to:

1. Recognize anger as a messenger, not the source
2. Look beneath the anger to find the primary emotion
3. Question our expectations - are they serving our highest good?
4. Practice acceptance of what lies beyond our control

When we surrender our grip on controlling every outcome, we discover a different kind of strength - the power to respond with grace and understanding. This acceptance opens the door to a peace that transcends our circumstances.

A Higher Perspective

Consider that every moment of anger might be an invitation to grow, to learn, and to develop a deeper understanding of ourselves and others. In our moments of frustration, we're often being called to something greater than our immediate desires - perhaps to develop patience, show mercy, or find strength in gentleness.

Remember: Your anger isn't the enemy. It's a messenger trying to guide you toward deeper truths about yourself and your relationship with the world around you. Listen to it with an open heart, learn from it with humility, but don't let it overshadow the peace that comes from accepting that some things are part of a larger plan we may not yet understand.

Further Reading and References

For those interested in exploring these concepts deeper, here are some valuable resources:

1. Psychology Today - Understanding and Processing Anger
   An in-depth exploration of anger as a secondary emotion and its relationship to underlying feelings.
2. Choosing Therapy - Anger as a Secondary Emotion
   Research-based insights into how anger serves as a protective mechanism for more vulnerable emotions.
3. Psychology Today - Tools for Dealing with Anger
   Practical strategies for managing anger and understanding its connection to control.
4. Simply Psychology - Primary and Secondary Emotions
   Academic explanation of how emotions are categorized and processed.
5. Manhattan CBT - Understanding Anger as a Secondary Emotion
   Clinical perspective on the relationship between primary emotions and anger.
6. Tavris, C. (2017). Anger: The Misunderstood Emotion. Touchstone Books.
   A comprehensive examination of anger's role in human psychology and society.

These sources combine academic research, clinical expertise, and practical wisdom to provide a well-rounded understanding of anger and emotional management.

 

Improving Family Relations

Every family is its own unique combination of people and personalities.  Even though they come in all shapes and sizes, healthy families have some commonalities.  A healthy family is comprised of people who love each other and are able to respect each other’s similarities and differences.  Healthy families also know how to compromise, and they are fiercely resilient; they bounce back after crisis and periods of prolonged stress.

Negative Coping Strategies

Obviously, not all families have healthy relationships.  Some members incorporate negative strategies for coping with stress.  Some examples are distancing, overdoing/underdoing, focusing on a child, or jumping into conflict.  These negative ways of managing stress harm the family dynamic:

 

Distancing- This unhealthy strategy occurs when family members avoid conversations together because they are concerned about potential conflict.  They stop sharing their thoughts and feelings and fail to spend real time together.

 

Overdoing/underdoing- With this negative coping method, one or more family members begin to assume the responsibilities of others.  When this happens, the remaining members decrease their efforts.  Family members can easily become stuck in this imbalance of responsibility.

 

Focusing on a child- To avoid conflict, some families will simply focus on a child instead.  When severe stress or fighting begins, children are usually the most vulnerable in the household.  Therefore, parents will focus their attention solely on that child to calm things down.  Their intentions might be good, but often the child reacts to this intense pressure and increased attention.  These children will typically begin to act out or develop physical or emotional symptoms.

 

Conflict- A final negative coping mechanism is conflict itself.  Some families will start an all-out war when they’re stressed, engaging in yelling and emotional abuse.  The smallest disagreement could set someone off, creating a hostile environment. 

 

Tips to Improve Family Relations

There are many positive ways to manage stress and handle conflict.  The following strategies for communication skills, relational values, and personal and family responsibilities provide simple solutions for improving family dynamics:

 

Communication Skills

• Communicate openly- Unlike the negative strategy of distancing, family members feel comfortable asking for help if needed. They’re able to speak up when they disagree.  If they see a different solution to a problem, they voice it.  Because conflict is unavoidable in a family, open communication is essential.
• Think before you speak- Responsible family members think first and then speak. Too often we automatically react to a situation based purely on emotion.  If we are able to create some space and consider the other’s perspective and thoughts, we can focus on responding instead of reacting.  Problem solving and compromise are much easier when they come from a non-reactive place. 

Relational Values

• Explore values- Family members won’t agree on everything. There will be preferences for different hobbies, tastes, or even political or religious views. However, there are common values that family members may choose to share and uphold.  For example, a shared value might be showing mutual respect for all family members.  Another might be to demonstrate appreciation for one another with acts of kindness.  Shared values become the mortar for a strong family foundation.
• Develop one-to-one relationships- In a healthy family unit, every individual has a solid relationship with every other person. No one teams up, complains, or gossips in a family member’s absence.

Personal and Family Responsibilities

• Take personal responsibility- Schedules today are often very full. Families can easily fall out of sync and become unclear about who is doing what.  Certain family members may take on more than what is required of them.  Others might be all too willing to allow that to occur, so they can have fewer responsibilities.  Conflict arises when one assumes another will handle a situation, and they don’t.  In a healthy family, individuals own their personal responsibilities and accept any consequences for failing to do so.  Family members encourage one another and hold each other accountable.
• Ask for help- Stress happens to every family. A strong, healthy family focuses on the positive in challenging times. Family members are able to pull together, share responsibilities, and problem solve.  If the family needs additional help, strong families don’t hesitate to ask for it.  Friends, neighbors, religious communities, or helping professionals all serve as excellent resources for families. 

The success of a healthy family largely comes down to being together.  When you make time for one another, you communicate that you care with more than just your words.  Make time to have fun and celebrate each other’s victories.  Listen to one another’s stories, thoughts, and feelings.  Make memories and laugh together.  When working toward the common goal of a healthy family, everyone has a shared interest in success. 

 

Want to talk to a counselor today about this? 

Call Amplified Life at 800-453-7733 and ask for your “Free 15 Minute Phone Consultation" with one of our licensed counselors. We’ll listen, answer questions you may have, and help you plan next steps.

 

Sources:

http://www.advocatesforyouth.org/publications/1229-strengthening-family-relationships

http://www.childwelfare.gov