relationship

Let's talk about marriage myths, folks - those relationship "rules" that have been passed down like your great-aunt's questionable casserole recipe. Dr. John Gottman, after studying thousands of couples, discovered that many of our cherished beliefs about marriage are about as accurate as a screen door on a submarine.

Myth #1: Perfect Communication Solves Everything

Ah yes, the "if we just communicate better" myth. News flash: According to the Gottman Institute, 69% of relationship problems are perpetual. That's right - even couples who've been married for 50 years still argue about whose turn it is to take out the trash. The secret isn't becoming a mind reader; it's learning to navigate disagreements without turning into a reality TV show.

Myth #2: Marriage Should Be 50/50

If you're keeping score in your marriage like it's a basketball game, you're doing it wrong. Dr. Gottman's research shows that it's not about splitting tasks 50/50, but about each partner feeling that responsibilities are shared fairly. Sometimes it's 60/40, sometimes 80/20, and sometimes it's 100/0 when your spouse has the flu and you're playing nurse while trying not to catch whatever plague they're brewing.

Myth #3: Fighting Means Your Marriage Is Doomed

If this were true, considering that 75% of couples cite conflict as a major issue, every couple on the planet would be divorced by now. The real problem isn't fighting about which way the toilet paper should roll (over is clearly correct, by the way). It's contempt that predicts divorce - you know, that eye-rolling, "I'm married to a moron" attitude that makes your mother-in-law proud.

Myth #4: "Love Is All You Need" (Sorry, Beatles)

Love is great, but it's not enough to keep your marriage running smoothly. You also need:

• A sense of humor (especially when your spouse tries to "fix" the washing machine)

• Selective hearing (particularly during sports seasons)

• The ability to pretend you don't see them eating chocolate in the pantry at midnight

• A shared understanding that the thermostat wars will never truly end

The Real Truth About Marriage

According to decades of research, couples' interactions have about 80% stability over time. Think less "Romeo and Juliet" (they died, remember?) and more "Tom and Jerry" - they chase each other around, cause chaos, but somehow stay together. Your spouse should be your best friend - the person you want to share memes with at 2 AM and the one who knows why that one episode of "The Office" always makes you cry.

Some Problems Never Die

About two-thirds of marriage problems are permanent. It's like that one weird noise your car makes - you learn to live with it. He'll never load the dishwasher "correctly," and you'll never understand his fascination with collecting vintage rubber bands. It's fine.

What Actually Works (The Not-So-Secret Secrets)

1. Friendship First: Research shows that couples who turn toward each other's bids for connection are more likely to have a successful relationship

2. Small Things Matter: Bringing them coffee in their favorite mug matters more than grand gestures

3. Choose Your Battles: Ask yourself, "Will this matter in five years?" If not, maybe let go of how they fold (or don't fold) the towels

Here's the truth: Marriage isn't about living up to some fairy tale standard where you both ride off into the sunset on a unicorn while birds sing Disney songs. It's about finding someone whose weird matches your weird, and then choosing to stick together even when one of you insists on keeping that hideous recliner from college.

Remember, if your marriage doesn't look like a romantic comedy, you're probably doing it right. Real love isn't about grand gestures and perfect harmony - it's about choosing each other every day, even when your spouse is wearing those ratty sweatpants they refuse to throw away.

And hey, if all else fails, remember this: At least you're not stuck in a marriage from "Game of Thrones." Now those folks had problems.

Sources

1. The Gottman Institute - Research on Couples

2. The Gottman Institute - Problems in Relationships

3. The Gottman Institute - Marriage Task Distribution

4. Marriage Conflict Statistics

5. Building Stronger Relationships with the Gottman Method

This article draws from Dr. John Gottman's research spanning over four decades of studying thousands of couples, combining scientific insights with practical wisdom about marriage dynamics.

 

Have you ever jumped at a loud noise and didn't know why? Or felt suddenly anxious in an elevator without understanding the reason? Your mind might be carrying memories that your conscious brain doesn't remember—but your body never forgot. According to Dr. Bessel van der Kolk, a leading trauma expert, "The body keeps the score: the brain writes its memories in either red ink (emergency) or blue ink (calm). Trauma memories come in red."

Your Mind: The Two-Story House

Think of your mind like a house with two floors. The top floor is your conscious mind—where you think, make decisions, and remember things on purpose. The bottom floor is your subconscious—where feelings, old memories, and deep fears live. Research from Mount Sinai's School of Medicine shows that traumatic memories are stored differently in our brains than regular memories, which explains why these two floors don't always communicate well.

When Bad Things Happen: How Trauma Changes Us

Scientists have discovered that when something overwhelming happens, our brains process it differently than everyday experiences. These memories don't get filed away neatly like regular memories. Instead, they're like scattered photographs in the basement of your mind-house, popping up when you least expect them.

A Story About Sarah

Meet Sarah. When she was four, she got stuck in an elevator for an hour. Now she's 35, and if you ask her about elevators, she'll say, "Oh yeah, I got stuck in one as a kid. No big deal." That's her top floor talking—the logical part that remembers the basic facts.

But every time she gets in an elevator, her hands get sweaty, her heart races, and she feels like she can't breathe. This reaction is what scientists call a "trauma response"—when your body remembers even if your mind doesn't.

Why This Matters

The numbers tell an important story: 70% of adults have gone through at least one traumatic experience in their lifetime. That's about 223.4 million people in the U.S. alone. Many of us are carrying around old hurts we don't even remember. The good news? Recent studies show that modern therapy approaches can help heal these hidden wounds, with success rates between 77% and 100%.

Signs Your Past Might Be Affecting Your Present

According to trauma researchers, you might notice:

• Getting really upset over small things
• Feeling scared or angry but not knowing why
• Having strong reactions that seem bigger than the situation
• Avoiding certain places or situations without a clear reason

The Path to Healing

Here's the hopeful part: A 2024 study found that several types of therapy are highly effective in treating trauma, even for people who have experienced multiple traumatic events. You don't have to figure this out alone. Research shows that therapy can help your brain create new connections as it processes trauma memories, helping those two floors of your mind work together again.

Taking the First Step

If you recognize yourself in this story, know that help is available. Studies show that as many as 46% of people with trauma-related symptoms improved within just six weeks of starting therapy. You don't have to understand everything about your past to start healing. Sometimes, just knowing that your reactions make sense is the beginning of feeling better.

Sources and Further Reading

Scientific Research

• Mount Sinai School of Medicine (2023). "Traumatic Memories Are Represented Differently Than Regular Sad Memories in the Brains of People with PTSD"

• Morina, N., et al. (2024). "Psychotherapy Effective for PTSD Following Multiple Traumatic Events". Medical Xpress.

• The Recovery Village (2024). "PTSD Statistics and Facts"

• Van der Kolk, B. (2023). "The Body Keeps the Score: Interview on Trauma". Psychotherapy.net

  
  

  Clinical Studies

  • Rabellino, D., et al. (2016). "Aberrant Functional Connectivity of the Amygdala Complexes in PTSD During Conscious and Subconscious Processing of Trauma-Related Stimuli". PLOS ONE.

  • Psychology Today (2022). "How to Make Peace with Your Trauma Memory"

  Treatment Outcomes

  • SB Treatment (2024). "Trauma Therapy: Success Rates and Effectiveness"

  • National Institute of Mental Health (2024). "Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder Research"

  Additional Resources for Readers

  • National Center for PTSD: www.ptsd.va.gov
  • Trauma-Informed Care Implementation Resource Center: www.traumainformedcare.chcs.org
  • International Society for Traumatic Stress Studies: www.istss.org

  Note: All statistics and research findings cited in this article are current as of February 2025. For the most up-to-date information, please consult with mental health professionals or visit the websites of the organizations listed above.

   

Ever noticed how your blood starts to boil when someone cuts you off in traffic? Or how about that surge of rage when your carefully laid plans fall apart? We tend to think of anger as a primary response, but here's the profound truth: anger is usually just the bodyguard of our deeper emotions.

According to psychological research, anger typically serves as a secondary emotion - one that shows up to protect us from more vulnerable feelings. Think of it as your emotional bouncer, stepping in when feelings like helplessness, disappointment, or fear become too overwhelming.

The Illusion of Control

We humans are vessels of complex emotions, walking around with an invisible backpack full of expectations about how things "should" be:

• That driver should use their turn signal
• My partner should know what I'm thinking
• Life should go according to my plans

When reality doesn't align with these expectations, we feel a loss of control. And that's where wisdom enters the picture. Research shows that anger usually occurs when people aren't in control of a situation. It's our natural response to feeling powerless, though there's often a greater purpose in releasing that need for control.

The Expectations Trap

Here's the transformative truth: most of our anger stems from unrealistic expectations we've created in our minds. We craft these perfect scenarios, these idealized versions of how things should unfold. Then, when life presents its mysterious ways and unexpected turns, we feel betrayed.

Consider this: How often is your anger actually about the thing that triggered it? That burst of rage when your coffee spills - is it really about the coffee, or is it about feeling like you can't control even this small part of your morning? Perhaps there's a deeper lesson in learning to accept what we cannot change.

Finding Peace Through Understanding

The path to managing anger isn't about suppressing it or pretending it doesn't exist. Instead, experts suggest we need to:

1. Recognize anger as a messenger, not the source
2. Look beneath the anger to find the primary emotion
3. Question our expectations - are they serving our highest good?
4. Practice acceptance of what lies beyond our control

When we surrender our grip on controlling every outcome, we discover a different kind of strength - the power to respond with grace and understanding. This acceptance opens the door to a peace that transcends our circumstances.

A Higher Perspective

Consider that every moment of anger might be an invitation to grow, to learn, and to develop a deeper understanding of ourselves and others. In our moments of frustration, we're often being called to something greater than our immediate desires - perhaps to develop patience, show mercy, or find strength in gentleness.

Remember: Your anger isn't the enemy. It's a messenger trying to guide you toward deeper truths about yourself and your relationship with the world around you. Listen to it with an open heart, learn from it with humility, but don't let it overshadow the peace that comes from accepting that some things are part of a larger plan we may not yet understand.

Further Reading and References

For those interested in exploring these concepts deeper, here are some valuable resources:

1. Psychology Today - Understanding and Processing Anger
   An in-depth exploration of anger as a secondary emotion and its relationship to underlying feelings.
2. Choosing Therapy - Anger as a Secondary Emotion
   Research-based insights into how anger serves as a protective mechanism for more vulnerable emotions.
3. Psychology Today - Tools for Dealing with Anger
   Practical strategies for managing anger and understanding its connection to control.
4. Simply Psychology - Primary and Secondary Emotions
   Academic explanation of how emotions are categorized and processed.
5. Manhattan CBT - Understanding Anger as a Secondary Emotion
   Clinical perspective on the relationship between primary emotions and anger.
6. Tavris, C. (2017). Anger: The Misunderstood Emotion. Touchstone Books.
   A comprehensive examination of anger's role in human psychology and society.

These sources combine academic research, clinical expertise, and practical wisdom to provide a well-rounded understanding of anger and emotional management.

 

Leaving an Abusive Relationship

Domestic abuse is defined as a pattern of behaviors used by one partner to maintain power and control over another partner in an intimate relationship. Every abusive relationship is different, but there is one commonality: the abusive partner does many things to establish and maintain power and control over their partner.

Domestic abuse can include physical and sexual violence, threats and intimidation, emotional abuse, and economic deprivation. A relationship does not need to be violent to be abusive, but the danger of being seriously injured or killed greatly increases within relationships that include physical and sexual violence.

People who are in an abusive relationship may feel confused, afraid, angry, or trapped. All of these emotions are normal responses to abuse. If you are in an abusive relationship, you may also blame yourself for what is happening, but the truth is that you are never responsible for your partner’s abusive behaviors.

Despite promises and pleas from the abusive partner, change rarely occurs. Rather, the intensity and frequency of the abuse often increases and escalates over time.

How to Get out of an Abusive Relationship

Abusive partners often do and say things to shift the blame onto the victim or even deny that the abuse ever took place. There are many other reasons people stay in abusive relationships and leaving can often be very complicated.

Leaving can also be the most dangerous time for a victim of abuse. Because abuse is about power and control, leaving the relationship is the victim taking control and the abusive partner’s power is threatened. This could cause the abusive partner to retaliate in destructive ways.

If you are in an abusive relationship, there is help available to you. There are local, state, and national organizations dedicated to helping you leave, be in a safe space, and gain control of your life and wellbeing. These organizations can help you create a safety plan.

A safety plan will map out preparing to leave, when you leave, and after you leave. It will plan ways to cope with emotions, tell friends and family about the abuse, take legal action, and more. Having a safety plan laid out in advance can help you protect yourself in stressful moments.

Preparing to Leave

As mentioned above, leaving an abusive relationship can escalate the abuse. It is important to take certain actions as you are preparing to leave:

• Keep evidence of physical abuse (pictures of injuries)
• In a safe place, keep a journal of all violent incidences (noting dates), and of events and threats made, if possible
• Know where you can get help. Tell someone what is happening to you
• If you are injured, seek medical help and ask that your visit is documented
• Plan with your children and identify a safe place for them
• Contact your local shelter and find out about laws and other resources available to you before you have to use them during a crisis
• Try to set money aside or ask family or friends to hold money for you

Leaving an Abusive Relationship

As you create your safety plan, you can make a plan for how and where you will escape quickly. You may ask for a police escort or stand-by when you leave. If you have to leave in a hurry, try to take as many of the following items as possible:

• Driver’s license/identification/passports
• Birth certificate and children’s birth certificates
• Social security cards
• Checking/savings account books, money, financial information
• Legal protective order (if you have one in place)
• Copies of lease/rental agreements or deed to your home
• Car registration and insurance papers
• Health and life insurance papers
• Medical records for you and your children
• Medications
• Valuable jewelry
• Pictures/sentimental items

After you Leave

There are precautions to take after you leave to keep you and your family safe. Below are some examples, though you may want to collaborate with domestic abuse organizations that can help you  create a detailed safety plan specific to your situation.

• Call law enforcement to enforce the protective order and give copies of the restraining order to employers, neighbors, and school officials along with a picture of the offender
• Get caller ID and screen your calls, maintain a different daily routine, go to work different hours and take a different route
• Change the route in taking your children to and from school, or consider changing their schools
• Use different stores and reschedule appointments the offender may be aware of
• Install security systems if possible, and replace wooden doors with steel or metal doors

Though leaving an abusive relationship can be complicated and require many changes in your life, there is help available to you for every step along the way.

 

Want to talk to a counselor today about this? 

Call us at 800-453-7733 and ask for your “Free 15 Minute Phone Consultation" with one of our licensed counselors. We’ll listen, answer questions you may have, and help you plan next steps.

 

Sources:

https://www.thehotline.org/help/

https://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/domestic-violence-and-abuse.htm

 

Healing after Infidelity

For many individuals, the opportunity to enter into a relationship outside of marriage or a committed relationship has presented itself. It might be with a co-worker, new acquaintance, high-school fling, or an online contact. When a couple has committed to an exclusive and permanent relationship, engaging in unsuitable interactions can break trust and tarnish the marriage or long-term relationship. For those who believe in the permanence of marriage or commitment, finding a way to heal after these events is vital.

Defining Infidelity

The basic translation of infidelity is “unfaithful.” Being unfaithful might include a variety of actions, including emotional, physical, and mental choices. While physical infidelity can be the most obvious, including hand-holding, caressing, kissing, and sexual acts, it is not the only way to cheat. Engaging in an emotional affair can also cause damage to a marriage.

Upon being discovered, the person who is in an emotional affair may claim that it is just a “friendship.” However, it is different than making a new friend; an emotional affair includes deep conversations about matters that should be and previously were reserved for the spouse. Often, the person experiences a need to hide this relationship, but works to make sure that specific time and effort are put into it.

Healing after an affair is possible, and the following tips can help it along.  

For the Spouse who Cheated

1. End the Affair – One of the quickest things that can be done to encourage healing and re-build trust in your long-term relationship is to stop talking to and seeing your previous lover. Promise to your spouse that you will not interact with this person anymore. If you work with the person, keep interactions professional and tell your spouse. You might want to look into getting a new job. Alternatively, consider blocking their contact info in your phone or computer.
2. Be Honest – Speaking with your significant other is going to be difficult. If you want to build up trust, the best thing to do is to answer any question that they ask. If they find out details about the affair later, they might feel newly betrayed which can delay healing and reconciliation.
3. Empathy and Patience – Betrayal is a difficult barrier to get over, especially if you are angry that your partner can’t “get over it.” Your choices had a strong effect on your significant other, causing pain and breaking trust; the sooner you offer them understanding, the better chance that healing can occur. Also, try not to expect a quick reconciliation as there will probably be a lot of tears, questions, anger, and conversations before you are completely forgiven.
4. Own Up – Take responsibility for your choices and your part in the affair. Blaming your partner for anything that you believe led you to cheat on him/her will not bring healing. Apologize for what you did, and the pain you caused. Admit to what you have done wrong in the relationship, and commit to working on those issues.

For the Spouse who was Betrayed

1. Ask Questions – While it may seem counter-intuitive, having more information can help bring about healing. The more you talk with your significant other, the more you can learn about what choices she made, and what choices she wants to continue to make. Your partner can use this time to re-build a sense of trust, as she chooses to embrace honesty as an important part in your relationship again. Questions may range from facts about the affair, to asking about the weak points in your own relationship that might need to be strengthened. You should also consider asking about what your partner wants for the future, including if she want to continue seeing the lover, repair your relationship, seek counseling, or something else.
2. Control Your Emotions – This is an emotional situation, but adding intense reactions to your conversations with your partner will not be helpful. If you want to gain a sense of understanding and healing, practice taking deep breaths throughout the conversation. If your significant other sees that you are upset, it might prevent him from sharing all of the information that needs to be said.
3. Focus on the Affair – Take time to focus on the affair and take a time-out if needed. Use this time to talk about your feelings with your partner: your worries, upset, shame, and feelings of betrayal.  As you move forward in repairing your relationship, it can be helpful to limit how long you talk about the affair. Try limiting conversations to 30 minutes, or so. Ask questions as they come up so that you do not develop a long set concerns or feel too upset. Your spouse might struggle with a sense of self during this time, so limiting conversation time can be productive for both of you.
4. Focus on Your Relationship – It will be important to re-build a sense of intimacy with your partner, especially as he is distancing himself from his lover. Spend time together to help build connection and enjoyment around shared activities, fun events, and meaningful friends and family. Re-discover what your values and goals are and discuss these. Talk about the things that you want to work on together, to make your relationship strong.
5. Find Support – Joining a support group or speaking with a counselor can help you process this situation. You might consider seeking individual support, or support that is geared for you and your significant other together. It might be helpful to include some friends or family members, especially if they knew about the affair. Healing the relationship will include having supportive family and friends who can encourage and help you practice forgiveness to your partner.
6. Forgive – Forgiveness does not mean that you are okay with what happened. Take your time to process through your thoughts and feelings surrounding the affair. When you are ready, forgiving your significant other will help you to get rid of negative feelings and will help you to move forward. 

 

Want to talk to a counselor today about this? 

Call Amplified Life at 800-453-7733 and ask for your “Free 15 Minute Phone Consultation" with one of our licensed counselors. We’ll listen, answer questions you may have, and help you plan next steps.

 

 Resources Used

• http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/infidelity/art-20048424
• http://www.rd.com/advice/relationships/15-steps-to-surviving-an-affair/
• http://www.leaderu.com/offices/stoll/marriage.html
• https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/life-gets-better/201406/emotional-affairs-why-they-hurt-so-much
• http://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/features/emotional-cheating-guilty#1

Conflict Resolution for Couples

All relationships experience conflict.  Even a good relationship has its share of ups and downs.  What makes a healthy relationship is not a lack of conflict.  How both partners manage and resolve conflict determines an open, honest, and successful relationship.

Causes of Conflict

 

There is no shortage of potential conflicts for relationships today given the external and internal stressors we all face.  Fears, differences, and expectations also play a large role in relational troubles.  Some partners fear rejection or a loss of independence.  Conflict might arise as a result of the couple’s different personalities, values, or beliefs.  Perhaps, one partner is expecting too much of the other.  When a couple is unable to agree on what the problem is, it is unlikely they will agree on how to solve it.  These are all common reasons for relational conflicts. 

 

Tolls on a Relationship

Resolving issues in a relationship requires work, but the toll of unresolved conflict is even greater.  These byproducts cause stress that flows into other areas of our lives, affecting us physically, emotionally, and financially.  Couples may experience a decrease in intimacy, as well as feelings of resentment, relational insecurity, and financial instability.  Communication might become difficult, as conversation about anything other than the conflict decreases.  Individuals may also experience lower self-esteem as a result of unresolved conflict.

 

Dealing with Conflict

There are healthy and unhealthy ways of dealing with conflict.  When one partner makes all the decisions, the other might feel undervalued and resent this misuse of power.  On the flip side, if both partners avoid conflict, the problem will linger and escalate.  Partners will continue to play their roles to the best of their abilities, but the problem will never be resolved if it’s not addressed.  These are both examples of unhealthy ways to deal with conflict.

 

The best strategy for approaching conflict is for both partners to share their thinking, knowing the relationship itself gets the final vote.  Many times if a couple can focus on what’s best for the relationship as a whole, they are able to put aside their individual preferences and find compromise. 

 

Conflict Resolution Process

Here are some practical guidelines to help you work through potentially difficult relationship conversations:

1. Be respectful- The words we speak only comprise a percentage of what’s communicated. Pay attention to both the verbal and nonverbal messages you are sending.  Details like how you sit, your tone of voice, and the words you choose should communicate to your partner how much you value them.  This will also demonstrate your commitment to the relationship.
   1. Yelling- The volume of your voice will not change your partner’s mind. A gentle tone might diffuse the situation and allow for open dialogue.  Conversely, yelling could anger one or both of you and discourage your partner from further communication.
   2. Positives- Try to focus on each other’s strengths and positive attributes. Discuss how you’ve overcome past obstacles without going into detail.  Knowing you’ve already worked through past challenges will help you stay realistic as you face this conflict.
   3. Affirm- Start and end by affirming your love. While your partner may know you love them, expressing it again communicates that you value their thoughts and feelings.  It might even help calm the situation.
2. Use active listening- Do your best to understand the thoughts and feelings behind your partner’s words and body language. This is called active, or empathic listening.  Put yourself in your partner’s shoes to experience what they are saying and feeling.  You should be able to explain back to them how you understand their take on the situation. 
   1. Ownership- Consider that you also might have made a mistake. If you are willing to explore how your actions made your partner feel, you’re more likely to make positive changes.  In turn, your partner’s likelihood to consider his or her role in the problem increases. 
   2. Cool down- If you’re extremely angry, you might need some time to cool down before you can truly hear what your partner is saying. Take a step back and a quick time-out before resuming conversation.  This will help keep emotions under control. 
3. Share your side- Explain your feelings, needs, and understanding of the situation. Be as brief and factual as possible without shaming your partner.  Share your emotional response to the situation.  Offer your suggestion for how to resolve the conflict.
   1. Trigger words- Avoid generalizations, exaggerations, and words like “always” and “never.” Give clear, specific examples instead of sweeping statements like, “You never do this,” or “You always do that.”
   2. Emotional abuse- Name-calling and other insults may feel good in the moment, but you will regret this behavior. Emotional abuse is not worth it.

Learning to work through conflict in a relationship might not happen overnight.  Be patient, as constructing a solution takes time and practice.  However, the more you’re able to hear each other and control your emotional reactivity, the greater the energy you’ll have to work on the relationship and create a viable solution. 

 

Want to talk to a counselor today about this? 

Call Amplified Life at 800-453-7733 and ask for your “Free 15 Minute Phone Consultation" with one of our licensed counselors. We’ll listen, answer questions you may have, and help you plan next steps.

 

Sources:

http://oscr.umich.edu/article/tips-and-tools-constructive-conflict-resolution

http://www.ces.ncsu.edu/depts/fcs/pdfs/fcs-466-4.pdf

 

 

 

 

 

 

Successful Stepfamilies

With many marriages ending in divorce, stepfamilies are becoming even more commonplace. Though your may find your family growing in number, cultivating a successful stepfamily takes time, compromise, and motivation. 

Stepfamilies Defined

Traditionally, a stepfamily has been defined as a family where a parent has at least one child not biologically (or legally, in terms of adoption) related to the other parent.  This child may live with one biological parent and visits the other biological parent, or he or she may equally split time between both original parents. Other times a child has a lost a parent and the living parent will remarry.

 

There are many variations of stepfamilies.  Whereas the term stepfamily once referred only to married couples, cohabitating relationships where one or both parents had existing children are now recognized as stepfamilies.  Grown children, in the case of parental death, will often refer to their parent’s new spouse as a stepparent, even though they never lived under the same roof.

Blended families are also a form of stepfamily.  This is where both partners come into the marriage or relationship with existing children.  Blended families have many of the same challenges as other stepfamilies as well as unique ones.

Transition Process

As a stepfamily or blended family is beginning the process of transition, there are often some growing pains along the way.  Adapting to new routines requires compromise for everyone.  Emotions usually run high; guilt over a divorce, anger about sacrifices made, worry about the stepfamily transition, and jealousy between stepsiblings are fairly common responses. 

 

Stepparents may struggle in the transition process to figure out their new roles.  Questions over discipline, rule-setting, and household responsibilities are priorities to address.  These may cause insecurity and uncertainty in the new stepparent.  Parents also worry about perceived favoritism between biological and stepchildren. 

Similarly, kids face transitional unrest.  Children may feel caught between both biological parents, not wanting to upset either one.  In addition, your child will need to learn how to “share” you with your new spouse.  Sharing may also extend to their home and belongings if your new spouse or partner moved into your home.

Struggling Stepfamily Signs

With all these changes, stress is at an elevated rate.  Here are some key warning signs of a stepfamily struggling with change:

• Behavior- A child may show unexpected anger or behavioral aggression toward another family member. Children may cry more than usual and isolate themselves from other family members and friends. 
• Activity challenges- Families sometimes face difficulty finding a shared activity they all can enjoy. Heightened emotions and constant conflict make shared family time challenging.
• Discipline- The stepparent has difficulty disciplining a stepchild and/or disagrees with current discipline methods. This can cause conflict within the marriage. 

Strategies for Successful Stepfamilies

Tension and family distress do not have to be the norm for beginning stepfamilies.  The following suggestions are designed to improve unity within the family:

 

For Everyone:

• Consider- Give everyone a say. Parents may have the final word, but considering everyone’s thoughts and feelings may help eliminate irrational fears about the stepfamily transition.
• Process- Transition takes time. Attempting to rush the process to adapt will only cause more stress.  Respect the process, as trusting relationships between stepparents, children, and stepsiblings take time to develop. 

For Parents:

• Respect- Be cautious not to speak poorly about your ex in front of your children. Shaming your former spouse or using your children as messengers is not a good policy.  Never ask your child to spy on your ex and his/her new partner or speak negatively about them.  This places your child in an unfair and unfortunate situation, so be respectful to both your child and ex. 
• Make Time- Carve out time with your children to participate in their favorite activities. Let them speak honestly about their fears and concerns with the new family.  Reassure them you will always love them.
• Don’t Assume- Even grown children who are independent adults may struggle with knowing their place in a new stepfamily situation. Listen to their concerns and encourage them to play a positive role in the new family. 

For Stepparents:

• Space- Every child needs some amount of privacy. Rather than feel shut off from the child, respect the space they need to function better.
• Don’t Personalize- Stepchildren may not warm up to you immediately. Try not to take things personally, as their reactions may be more about the process itself than you as an individual. 

For Stepfamilies with a New Baby:

• Explain- Talk to your children about the possibility of a new baby. Explain how things might change.  Give opportunities for them to express fears or concerns about the new baby. 
• Teamwork- Allow the children to help with the new baby. Feeling included helps alleviate feelings of being overlooked and forgotten. 

While the challenges are very real for today’s stepfamilies, so are the rewards.  If your stepfamily is still experiencing growing pains in the adjustment process, ask for help.  Family therapy is an excellent tool for working through everyone’s emotions in the transition.  For additional help, check out the National Stepfamily Resource Center at www.stepfamilies.info. 

 

Want to talk to a counselor today about this? 

Call Amplified Life at 800-453-7733 and ask for your “Free 15 Minute Phone Consultation" with one of our licensed counselors. We’ll listen, answer questions you may have, and help you plan next steps.

Sources

http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-living/childrens-health/in-depth/stepfamilies/art-20047046

http://stepfamilies.info

Maintaining Healthy Couple Relationships

Relationships affect our lives on a daily basis, and they all require effort to stay healthy. While starting a romantic relationship can be hard, building one for the long-term can be an even bigger challenge.  Events inside and outside of the relationship make it necessary for both individuals to adapt and grow, while also respecting, caring for, and compromising with the other person.

 

Unhealthy Couple Relationships

One way to identify what is healthy is by examining what is not.  The following symptoms indicate a relationship that is not working and unhealthy:

• Lack of appreciation- Assuming your partner will do things for you is one way of taking them for granted. This demonstrates ingratitude or a lack of insight into the balance of the relationship. 
• Lack of trust- Reading your partner’s emails or text messages, listening to voicemails, and not letting your partner go out with friends communicates a level of distrust.
• Blame game- When you constantly blame your partner for trouble in the relationship and don’t accept responsibility for anything, then it will be difficult to maintain the relationship.
• Poor communication- Assuming your partner can read your mind is a sure sign of poor communication. If you avoid difficult conversations because you are afraid of your partner’s response, there is a clear lack of communication skills. 
• Lack of balance- When we over function we constantly do things for our partner that they can do for themselves. Under functioning happens when we ask our partner to do tasks or assume responsibilities that should be our own. 
• Isolation from others- Healthy friendships and family relationships are necessary. When your partner is your only source of support, the relationship can quickly become strained, tense, and unhealthy.
• Codependence- When you are no longer able to think for yourself or function without your partner, you have crossed the line into codependence. In this type of relationship, a person cannot define his or her self in any way other than the relationship, as they lack their own goals, opinions, and outside support.

 

Healthy Couple Strategies

By clearly identifying what is unhealthy we are able to see what works better.  Consider these strategies to maintain a healthy, romantic relationship that stands the test of time: 

• Embrace change- Your relationship will undoubtedly evolve with life events, unexpected transitions, and family changes. Consider change as an opportunity to make your relationship stronger rather than a cause for it to crumble. 
• Have check-ins- Talk with your partner about his or her expectations for the relationship and his or her personal goals. Checking-in with one another through regular, daily dialogue establishes a good routine, rather than just crisis management.  Making time together is key, and without good scheduling, responsibilities will crowd out time together. 
• Know the family- Families are unique and so are their ways of coping with stress and anxiety. While your family might tend to be emotionally distant, your partner’s family might like to engage in conflict and confrontation.  Consider what coping style you and your partner inherited from your families.  Then, look for ways to work together to resolve conflict. 
• Pick the right time- Dealing with a problem in the heat of the moment may not be the best time to hear one another. Take a few minutes to cool off and gather your thoughts, as this opportunity allows you to listen to your partner’s perspective.  Also remember, a conflict is typically not the time to bring up previous unresolved issues.  Attempting to solve multiple items typically leads to greater stress and fewer results.
• Be responsible- Everyone has needs and wants in a relationship, but it’s important to remember some expectations may be unrealistic or unfair for your partner to meet. Consider what things you are able to do for yourself and be responsible with them. 
• Listen and speak up- Are you so focused on trying to win an argument that you are unable to hear what your partner is saying? When you show respect for the other’s opinions, they are more likely to listen to you.  Also, your partner won’t know what you desire in the relationship unless you verbalize it.  Many times we become angry because we unfairly expect our partners to fulfill our needs, even though we have never shared them. 
• Accept differences- There are things about your partner that may never change, and the same is true for you. When you learn to accept this, you can begin to work together to change what you would like to be different.
• Respect rights- You and your partner both have the right to enjoy your respective interests, friends, feelings, personal goals, and opinions. When you have outside things that inspire and bring joy, you will both enjoy the relationship more.

Even in this day and age, building a relationship that lasts is possible.  Small acts of kindness such as physical or verbal gestures really do make a difference.  With some thought and patience, you will find that simple strategies build a strong foundation for your relationship. 

 

 

Want to talk to a counselor today about this? 

Call Amplified Life at 800-453-7733 and ask for your “Free 15 Minute Phone Consultation" with one of our licensed counselors. We’ll listen, answer questions you may have, and help you plan next steps.

 

Source:

http://cmhc.utexas.edu/healthyrelationships.html

http://www.uwhealth.org/news/tips-for-maintaining-healthy-relationships/40280

 

Improving Family Relations

Every family is its own unique combination of people and personalities.  Even though they come in all shapes and sizes, healthy families have some commonalities.  A healthy family is comprised of people who love each other and are able to respect each other’s similarities and differences.  Healthy families also know how to compromise, and they are fiercely resilient; they bounce back after crisis and periods of prolonged stress.

Negative Coping Strategies

Obviously, not all families have healthy relationships.  Some members incorporate negative strategies for coping with stress.  Some examples are distancing, overdoing/underdoing, focusing on a child, or jumping into conflict.  These negative ways of managing stress harm the family dynamic:

 

Distancing- This unhealthy strategy occurs when family members avoid conversations together because they are concerned about potential conflict.  They stop sharing their thoughts and feelings and fail to spend real time together.

 

Overdoing/underdoing- With this negative coping method, one or more family members begin to assume the responsibilities of others.  When this happens, the remaining members decrease their efforts.  Family members can easily become stuck in this imbalance of responsibility.

 

Focusing on a child- To avoid conflict, some families will simply focus on a child instead.  When severe stress or fighting begins, children are usually the most vulnerable in the household.  Therefore, parents will focus their attention solely on that child to calm things down.  Their intentions might be good, but often the child reacts to this intense pressure and increased attention.  These children will typically begin to act out or develop physical or emotional symptoms.

 

Conflict- A final negative coping mechanism is conflict itself.  Some families will start an all-out war when they’re stressed, engaging in yelling and emotional abuse.  The smallest disagreement could set someone off, creating a hostile environment. 

 

Tips to Improve Family Relations

There are many positive ways to manage stress and handle conflict.  The following strategies for communication skills, relational values, and personal and family responsibilities provide simple solutions for improving family dynamics:

 

Communication Skills

• Communicate openly- Unlike the negative strategy of distancing, family members feel comfortable asking for help if needed. They’re able to speak up when they disagree.  If they see a different solution to a problem, they voice it.  Because conflict is unavoidable in a family, open communication is essential.
• Think before you speak- Responsible family members think first and then speak. Too often we automatically react to a situation based purely on emotion.  If we are able to create some space and consider the other’s perspective and thoughts, we can focus on responding instead of reacting.  Problem solving and compromise are much easier when they come from a non-reactive place. 

Relational Values

• Explore values- Family members won’t agree on everything. There will be preferences for different hobbies, tastes, or even political or religious views. However, there are common values that family members may choose to share and uphold.  For example, a shared value might be showing mutual respect for all family members.  Another might be to demonstrate appreciation for one another with acts of kindness.  Shared values become the mortar for a strong family foundation.
• Develop one-to-one relationships- In a healthy family unit, every individual has a solid relationship with every other person. No one teams up, complains, or gossips in a family member’s absence.

Personal and Family Responsibilities

• Take personal responsibility- Schedules today are often very full. Families can easily fall out of sync and become unclear about who is doing what.  Certain family members may take on more than what is required of them.  Others might be all too willing to allow that to occur, so they can have fewer responsibilities.  Conflict arises when one assumes another will handle a situation, and they don’t.  In a healthy family, individuals own their personal responsibilities and accept any consequences for failing to do so.  Family members encourage one another and hold each other accountable.
• Ask for help- Stress happens to every family. A strong, healthy family focuses on the positive in challenging times. Family members are able to pull together, share responsibilities, and problem solve.  If the family needs additional help, strong families don’t hesitate to ask for it.  Friends, neighbors, religious communities, or helping professionals all serve as excellent resources for families. 

The success of a healthy family largely comes down to being together.  When you make time for one another, you communicate that you care with more than just your words.  Make time to have fun and celebrate each other’s victories.  Listen to one another’s stories, thoughts, and feelings.  Make memories and laugh together.  When working toward the common goal of a healthy family, everyone has a shared interest in success. 

 

Want to talk to a counselor today about this? 

Call Amplified Life at 800-453-7733 and ask for your “Free 15 Minute Phone Consultation" with one of our licensed counselors. We’ll listen, answer questions you may have, and help you plan next steps.

 

Sources:

http://www.advocatesforyouth.org/publications/1229-strengthening-family-relationships

http://www.childwelfare.gov