aging

“Balance is not something you find; it’s something you create.”— Jana Kingsford, Time Management Author

When we think of the good ol’ days, we often cast a rosy hue on what once was. But when it comes to work/life balance, chances are our parents didn’t have a great one. It helped that they also didn’t have cell phones, internet, or social media, so when they were not at work, they may have been more mindfully engaged in the present. But they also lived in a world where working long hours was a sign of dedication and success. 

Now we know better. Research has shown, many times over, that productivity is not tied to the number of hours you sit at your desk. The truth is, the more time we spend at work, or thinking about work, the more likely we are to get burned out. Burnout leads to lower productivity, less job satisfaction, and increased health risks. A better work/life balance leads to improved efficiency and better overall health. If you’re wondering where to start, we’ve got you covered. 

How Do Life and Work Get Out of Balance? 

A first step is to identify things that may cause an imbalance. 

• Working long hours or working a lot of overtime. It’s important to disengage from work. That’s hard to do if you’re working all (or most of) the time.
• Little choice in work hours or not being able to take off when you need to. While most jobs have scheduling requirements, a rigid schedule without the choice for flexibility leads to stress and resentment.
• High-pressure, high-stress jobs. Some jobs come with higher levels of stress, such as the medical profession, law enforcement, and teaching. For these kinds of jobs, the ability to leave work behind and relax is crucial. 
• Unreasonable expectations. Whether these are self-imposed or come from your boss, this can lead to chronic stress. 

Ideas to Help Improve Work/Life Balance 

Once you name the reasons your work/life scale may be tipped too much to one side, it’s time to take a practical look at how you can make positive changes. 

Consider your personal and professional goals, and figure out what you must do to achieve those. If you want to grow professionally, set boundaries to make that happen. For example, spend x hours a month on professional development. If you want to spend more time with loved ones or pursuing a hobby, set boundaries for those things. Boundaries are meant to protect. They draw lines so other things don’t encroach on that time and space. 

1. Learn to set boundaries. Set boundaries for others and let them know when they can expect you to respond to texts and emails and when you won’t be checking or responding. Set boundaries for yourself. Unless you’re on call, leave your work at work. It will be there when you get back. 

1. Tackle things in order of importance. Do your most important or most dreaded task first. If you can’t finish it, set a specific amount of time you’ll work on it, then move to the next item on your list. 

Delegate. Do what you need to do, and delegate tasks where you can.  

1. Think in terms of outcome, not office hours. Do your job and do it well. When it’s done, go home or log out if you can. If your job doesn’t allow you to do that, take some extra breaks. If your work is already done, you’ve earned it. 

1. Prioritize your health (both mental and physical). Use your breaks to take walks, listen to relaxing music, journal, or work on an office-friendly hobby.  When you leave each day, reward yourself with something that supports your overall wellness. 

1. Put yourself—and your family—on the schedule. Those we love most often get put at the bottom of the list. Don’t do that! Make appointments to spend time enjoying the important people in your life. 

1. Get away. Take a vacation (or staycation). You’ve earned your paid time off, so use it!

Achieving a healthy work/life balance can prevent burnout, chronic stress, and a load of health issues. No one ever looks back at their lives and wishes they’d spent more time at the office. When you get to the end of the year or the end of your days, you probably won’t regret time spent supporting joy, fun, and loving relationships.

Getting Along With Your Parents

Navigating a healthy adult relationship with your parents can sometimes be difficult.  On one hand, they might still attempt to treat you like a child.  On the other, you may begin assuming a more parental role as they age.  Sometimes we want them to still nurture and care for us, and in other instances, we want to be treated as independent adults. 

Potential Problems

You and your parents are not the same people.  They are unique and so are you.  They might have different values, beliefs, interests, and priorities than you, and that’s natural.  Healthy adult relationships can appreciate both the similarities and differences.  However, this knowledge does not mean there won’t be challenges.  Here are some examples of how we might encounter problems with our parents: 

• Disagreements on how to parent and raise our own children
• Being financially dependent on our parents
• Differing core values and beliefs (political, cultural, spiritual, etc.)
• Arguments on their future medical care or living arrangements
• Resentment over childhood issues
• Continual complaining or criticism

Mutually Beneficial Relationship

Having a healthy adult relationship with your parents is possible and a worthwhile investment.  The following are guidelines on how to begin accepting your parents and building a mutually beneficial relationship: 

 

Accepting Parents

• Don’t fix- It’s acceptable to set boundaries and tell your parents what you do and don’t tolerate in your home and with your children. Be mindful though that your parents are who they are. So think about what it would look like to accept them without trying to change them.
• Don’t blame- Try being empathic with your parents. Be objective about who they are and their family history.  Avoid blaming them for your problems, as this won’t benefit you or your relationship.
• Respect their freedom- Making assumptions about your parents’ lives is never helpful. They might not want to babysit your children every time you go out or fix an appliance when it breaks.  Take responsibility for your own life.  Respect that they are adults too, and they value independence just like you do. 

Being Assertive

• Practice honesty- Your parents can’t read your mind. Be honest about who you are, what you want, and what’s important to you.  It’s unfair to expect them to know unless you tell them.
• Don’t focus on approval- When you were a child your life may have centered on your parents’ approval. As an adult you need to decide what kind of person you want to be and what’s important to you, whether your parents agree or not.  It’s natural to desire your parents’ approval, even as an adult, but this approval is no longer necessary for your life decisions.  
• Grow up- Asking your parents to do things you’re capable of doing isn’t mature. If you want to be treated like an adult, it’s important to act like one.
• Don’t ask for advice- Unless you really need your parents’ insight, don’t ask for advice. Often we ask for counsel when we’ve already mentally made our decision.  This opens the potential for conflict if they disagree with your pre-determined choice. 
• Practice forgiveness- Allow yourself to make mistakes. You might disappoint your parents, but making choices is part of adulthood.  Forgive yourself and move forward. 

Building Relationships

• Share activities- Spend time doing things you and your parents both enjoy. What activities are mutually beneficial and strengthen your relationship?  When you can look forward to time together rather than dread the interaction, your relationship with them will improve.
• Build a legacy- Consider helping your parents preserve their history and memories. You might learn things about yourself or gain a greater understanding of their background.  Photos, videos, and written memoires capture a legacy to share with other family members and grandchildren.

Managing Conflict

All relationships experience conflict, and the parent/adult child interaction is no different.  Even though it might seem easier to cut all ties, this isn’t wise.  Though it might feel better in the short-term, shutting out your parents will not resolve emotional problems. 

 

You should handle conflict with your parents like you would with any other adult that you respect.  Good communication, as you would have with a friend or coworker, is vital.  Problems are not necessarily character flaws, and they can be opportunities for growth and change. 

The transition from the parent/child to the parent/adult child relationship doesn’t need to be stressful. The turbulent adolescent years are over, and it’s possible for your relationship with your parents to blossom even more.  Though you are grown never assume your parents aren’t interested in the details of your life.  Share your dreams and goals just as you would with another friend.  Investing in a healthy adult relationship with your parents is beneficial and worthwhile; so take advantage of the opportunities while they are available. 

 

Want to talk to a counselor today about this? 

Call Amplified Life at 800-453-7733 and ask for your “Free 15 Minute Phone Consultation" with one of our licensed counselors. We’ll listen, answer questions you may have, and help you plan next steps.

 

 

Sources:

http://www.aarp.org/home-family/friends-family/info-04-2013/parenting-adult-children-family-relationships.html

 

 

 

 

 

Aging Parents and Adult Children

Having an adult relationship with your parents can be both rewarding and challenging.  Some parents are overly critical, complain when you try to help, or never say “thank you.”  The challenges can become especially difficult as they continue to age.  Transitioning to a caregiving role is a major shift as the parent/child roles begin to reverse.  You must determine how to care for yourself and focus on your parent as well, and the stress of this task can strain your relationship and affect your physical and emotional wellbeing. 

The Aging Process

In many ways, aging is a grieving process.  Older adults slowly lose their independence, as their mind and body fail to function properly.  Your aging loved one may need to transition from their home to yours or another medical facility.  Try to be empathic with them and consider how you would feel if you lost control of your body.  How would you react if decisions were made about your life and future without your consent?  When you put yourself in your aging loved one’s shoes you might better understand why they are experiencing grief-like symptoms. 

 

Transition Tips for Aging Parents and Adult Children

The following guidelines provide information to help you practice good self-care and caregiving skills. 

Self-care Tips

• Care for yourself first- Caregiver stress can cause physical, emotional, and mental problems. When we don’t prioritize ourselves we limit our caregiving efforts.  It’s important to get proper rest, good nutrition, and regular exercise to maintain our optimal health.  When we feel better we’re able to enjoy our loved ones more.  Ask for help and delegate tasks to other family members if you need it.    
• No comparisons- Every adult child is different. You need to be comfortable saying “no” when you’re unable to physically or emotionally handle a responsibility.  Just because another friend caring for their parent can accomplish the task doesn’t mean it’s necessarily right for you.  Know your limitations.  Also, it’s wise to avoid comparing your relationship with your parents to other families.  Every family has its own unique challenges. 
• Understand your anxiety- Relationships with our parents can sometimes be difficult. When we’re stressed and anxious about other areas of life it’s easy to direct those emotions toward those we love most.  The more easily you can identify when you are stressed or anxious, the better equipped you’ll be to know when to handle situations with your parents.  Choose a time you’re calm and able to do your best thinking. 
• Accept a lack of recognition- It can be challenging, but it’s important to grasp you may not receive praise and thanks for taking on this responsibility. Some parents struggle deeply with change and the fear of aging, so they’re unable to express their appreciation.  It’s important to focus on why the job is important, rather than the lack of recognition.

Caregiving Tips

• Practice empathy- If your parent is experiencing chronic pain it’s difficult to be in a happy mood all the time. They may put on a front in front of others but feel comfortable to express themselves with family.  Try to understand what pains your parent is feeling as well as the physical and cognitive losses.  This can help you empathize with their moods, comments, and expressions. 
• Listen- Listening is the greatest honor you could give as it honors your parent. Be patient with them, as it might take longer to articulate their thoughts, especially their fears and stories.
  • Fears- The aging process can be scary. It’s possible your parent is experiencing rational or irrational fears.  Listening to them can calm their nerves.  Try to explain facts in a simple, non-threatening way. 
  • Repetition- Be kind toward your parent when they repeat themselves. Perhaps, you’re hearing the same childhood story for the thousandth time.  Also, if they’re struggling with technology use, remember that some tasks are extremely difficult with memory loss or degenerating eyesight.  Be patient, as you would be with a child struggling to read or tie their shoes. 
• Watch for personality changes- Cognitive difficulties can alter your parent’s personality. In addition, medication can impact personality.  It’s important to contact their physician if there are any sudden changes.  You may be accused of trying to hurt them, or they might be suspicious of you.  They could have sudden outbursts, yell, and become visibly distressed.  Try not to take these personally, as this is not the true heart of your parent. 
• Give back power- It can be easy to do certain tasks for your parent simply because you can do it faster. Things might be calmer if you give some control over to your parent, even in small areas.  Also, ask for their input about decisions that affect their life.  Giving back power, even if it’s minimal, can greatly improve your relationship.

The process of giving up control over your life isn’t easy for anyone.  However, when we’re able to walk our parents through decision-making with small changes, they are more likely to trust us with the big ones.  Ultimately, doing the right thing for your parent’s wellbeing is what matters most, to both of you.

 

Want to talk to a counselor today about this? 

Call Amplified Life at 800-453-7733 and ask for your “Free 15 Minute Phone Consultation" with one of our licensed counselors. We’ll listen, answer questions you may have, and help you plan next steps.

 

Sources:

http://www.state.gov/m/dghr/flo/c23141.htm

 

Eldercare

The transition from independent living to assisted care can be challenging for the elderly and their caregivers, but knowing when to make that change doesn’t need to be a mystery.  It’s important to talk with your aging loved one, family members, their doctor, and other professionals before making a change in their living situation or their daily routine. 

There are a few signs that indicate a transition in housing or additional assistance might be needed.  These can include:

• Taking medication incorrectly
• Signs of physical injury
• Weight loss
• Lack of hygiene
• Increase in car accidents
• Feeling suspicious of others
• Increasingly forgetful and/or disoriented

Options for Eldercare

There are several housing and health care options for your aging loved one to smooth the transition process: 

• Staying at home- Your loved one might feel comfortable continuing to live in their original home or apartment. Or, perhaps they move to a retirement community where amenities are more convenient, but they still live on their own.  The older adult at this stage might have assistive technology to help with daily tasks, such as adapted bathtubs, phones, medical alert devices, etc.  A home health aide may come to help with medication, dressing, or other hygienic needs. 
• Assisted living- This environment feels very home-like to many older adults. Additional assistance is offered with meals, laundry and social activities.  Also, nurses and medical assistants are available to assist with medications and other basic medical care. 
• Continuing care community- Here, your aging loved one is able to move through the stages of housing. They could enter first into the independent living portion.  Then, the older adult moves to assisted living or nursing home facilities as needed.  These accommodations offer a continuum of care as they experience deterioration in health or greater needs arise.
• Skilled nursing facilities- Those who do not need to be hospitalized but still require 24-hour nursing services can benefit from this housing situation. There are also rehabilitation services available for those who are capable of returning back to independent or semi-independent living. 

Eldercare Legal Issues

It’s important to discuss end-of-life decisions before your aging loved one becomes mentally incapacitated.  An attorney can help you and the older adult talk through the legal options and responsibilities.  The following list provides some basic legal definitions that are important for you to understand:

• Durable power of attorney- When a person becomes incapacitated and can’t make major financial decisions, a durable power of attorney comes into play. This is different than a power of attorney, which is effective only when the principle person is competent.  A health care power of attorney acts as a durable power of attorney, making medical decisions when a person is incapacitated. 
• Guardianship- When the court declares someone incompetent, a guardian, or conservator, is appointed. This person manages financial affairs, makes living arrangements, and handles medical decisions.
• Living will- This is a written statement where the person gives specific directions on medical treatments after they are incapacitated. These often include what life-sustaining measures should or should not be used.  A living will also states if the person desires their medical decisions be made by the health care power of attorney. 

Planning for Caregivers

Caregiving responsibilities range in levels of involvement.  Above all, it’s important to keep communication open between your aging loved ones, family members, doctors, and yourself.  The following tips will help you plan for a successful transition to caregiving for an older adult:    

• Be honest- Having open and honest dialogue with your parents or for whomever you will be providing caring is appropriate. Ask how they would like their needs met, and listen to any concerns or worries they might have.  Recognize there could be a level of grieving your loved one experiences, as they come to terms with the aging process. 
• Make a plan- Distinguish between what is urgent and what is moderately important, and then prioritize your plan of action. Consider having an alternative option in case your loved one’s first wishes aren’t available or don’t work.  Seek out medical, legal, and financial advice as needed, and be sure to involve other family members in the planning process.  Your plan might include:
  • Housing and accommodations options, such as meal delivery, home health services, etc.
  • Medical history, physician’s contact information for the older adult, and informing the doctor as to who is serving as the health care power of attorney.
  • A contact list of your loved one’s support network such as clergy, friends, neighbors, etc.
  • Financial plans including income sources, possible liabilities, and individual net worth.
  • Legal plans outlining the location of all wills, living wills, and legal documents. Establish who is acting as the power of attorney
• Get support- Caregiving for another can take a physical and emotional toll. Start early by developing a supportive team around you.  Delegate tasks to other family members to give yourself respite and a chance to enjoy spending time with your aging loved one.

Caring for another has its challenges.  However, eldercare is a gift, both to yourself and the one in your charge.  Staying informed about the legal, medical, and emotional aspects of eldercare can help maintain a positive transition for all.    

 

Want to talk to a counselor today about this? 

Call Amplified Life at 800-453-7733 and ask for your “Free 15 Minute Phone Consultation" with one of our licensed counselors. We’ll listen, answer questions you may have, and help you plan next steps.

 

Sources:

http://www.state.gov/m/dghr/flo/c23141.htm

http://www.aarp.org/relationships/caregiving-resource-center/info-08-2010/gs_new_caregivers_rules.html

Caring for an Aging Loved One

With hospital stays becoming shorter and medical costs rising, more families have to make difficult decisions about their loved ones.  The aging population is growing; and while the details may be different, caring for an aging loved one is becoming commonplace in homes around the country.  Over 65 million Americans are currently caring for a loved one.  Of those caregivers, nearly two-thirds work outside the home in addition to tending to their family member. 

Caregiver Responsibilities

Caregivers help in many areas, including grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, paying bills, and   administering medication.  Also, they often assist with helping a loved one bathe, eat, dress, and use the restroom, but there is much more involved than the physical care of an aging loved one.  At times, the emotional needs may be even greater.  Loss of their home, health, and/or brain function can be physically, emotionally, and mentally draining to both the patient and caregiver.  There might also be communication needs, where you are functioning as the spokesperson for your loved one.  It’s essential to be mindful of yourself and your needs as a caregiver; as caregiving places unique demands on an individual and on the family unit. 

 

Involving Your Aging Loved Ones

Respecting your loved one and keeping them involved in the caregiving process is both honoring and dignifying for them.  Long-term planning regarding medical, financial, and housing situations is critical; and your aging loved one should be included in all those decisions.  

Health and medical guidance from doctors, home health aides, and physical and/or occupational therapists will serve invaluable in the transition.  You might have questions about how diseases might progress, how to make your caregiving experience easier, and how to prevent injury to yourself and aging loved one.  Researching the growing number of assistive devices can also be very helpful, as this technology can allow your loved one to assume more daily responsibility, and to enjoy greater mobility in life. 

 

Communication with Your Family

Communication in any family is tricky at times.  Maneuvering emotionally charged topics, like caregiving, can be especially difficult.  Here are some proven strategies to help guide your conversation:

• If your loved one is battling memory loss, important conversations may be more complicated. Give yourself plenty of time, be patient with your loved one(s), and remove distractions from the room. 
• Clearly convey your point of view without manipulating or coercing agreement. The recipient of care should be actively involved in the process as much as they can be. 
• Listen carefully to others’ thoughts and ideas. Communicate and show respect for their thinking, even if you disagree.
• Plan important conversations ahead of time. Outline your main points, so as not to do all the talking.  Avoid blaming anyone or attempting to “win” the argument.  Remember, an honest and honorable conversation is the goal.  

Care for the Caregiver

While the task of caregiving holds rewards like precious time and memories, it also may take a toll on your physical, mental, and emotional health.  You will only be able to care for another to the degree you care for yourself.  Some caregiver stress symptoms are fatigue, irritability, changes in sleep and weight, and losing interest or pleasure in activities.  Without proper attention these indicators place you at risk for depression and anxiety.  The following are some helpful strategies for dealing with caregiver stress:

• Use teamwork- Ask others where they would like to help, and let them. When family members choose their tasks they are more likely to stick with them. 
• Say goodbye to guilt- Guilt is never a helpful emotion. Not everything will be perfect, so focus on what you can do rather than the limitations.  Remember, asking for help is a sign of great strength and humility.
• Stay informed- Many nonprofit organizations offer classes about aging, dementia, and other caregiving topics.
• Keep connections- Family members may need ideas or help to figure out how to be involved. Maintain strong connections by keeping everyone informed. Don’t assume people aren’t interested if they don’t ask you for information.
• Update your doctor- Inform your doctor of your caregiving responsibilities so he or she can be on the lookout for caregiver stress indicators.
• Be healthy- Maintaining good sleep, eating, and exercise habits are necessities for you. Do not feel guilty or apologize for taking care of yourself.
• Seek support- Knowing you are not alone is vital. There are many support groups as well as individual counseling opportunities that specifically cater to caregivers.

Remember, caring for an aging loved one is a “transitional” time.  Essentially, roles are reversing as the adult child becomes the “parent,” and frustration and discomfort are common if dealing with an uncooperative family member.  While there will be bumps in the road and sacrifices to be made, the opportunity to spend this limited time with your aging loved one can be a priceless gift. 

 

Want to talk to a counselor today about this? 

Call Amplified Life at 800-453-7733 and ask for your “Free 15 Minute Phone Consultation" with one of our licensed counselors. We’ll listen, answer questions you may have, and help you plan next steps.

Sources:

http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-living/stress-management/in-depth/caregiver-stress/art-20044784

http://www.altsa.dshs.wa.gov/caregiving/agingparent.htm