death

“There are certain words you and your dying loved one should exchange while you can.” ~ Dr. Ira Byock, author of Dying Well.

Mary never tells her dad she loves him. Rick has said some things to his wife he wished he hadn’t. June and her sister have never gotten along. Nina’s carrying around guilt over something that happened between her and her best friend. Mary, Rick, June, and Nina all have one thing in common. They’re going to lose a person they love. And they’re not ready.      

While no one would choose a terminal diagnosis for someone they love, a drawn-out death offers what a sudden death cannot—time to say goodbye. There’s no doubt these conversations may be some of the hardest you’ll ever have. But deciding to have them anyway can bring peace and closure to you and the dying person and leave you both without regrets.  

What to Expect Near the End 

As you start thinking about losing someone you love, knowing what to expect can take away some fear of the unknown. It can also give you a rough idea of how much time you have left to say goodbye. 

When someone moves into what doctors call “actively dying” and has no medical intervention, they go through 3 stages of death. The process can last as little as 24 hours or longer than 14 days. 

The stages can look like this: 

Early stage: 

• can no longer get out of bed
• doesn’t want to or can’t eat and drink
• sleeps a lot
• has delirium (confusion, hallucinations, restlessness, short attention span)

Middle stage: 

• sleeps most of the time
• harder to wake up 
• can’t swallow
• has a “death rattle” sound when breathing  

Late stage: 

• can fall into a coma 
• may run a fever 
• has irregular breathing; sometimes stops breathing 
• arms and legs can look mottled or blotchy  

 

Why You Need to Say Goodbye to Your Loved One

When someone dies unexpectedly, you may struggle with regrets over what you said or didn’t say and what you did or didn’t do. With a terminal diagnosis, that doesn’t have to happen. You have an opportunity to end things between you and the dying person the way you’d both like. 

Here are some things you might want to do:   

• talk through unresolved issues or conflicts 
• make amends for something you might’ve done 
• let go of resentments you’re holding against them
• work to heal any old wounds either of you is hanging onto 
• bring up good memories you share
• share your appreciation for who they were to you and the impact they had on your life

 

Dr. Ira Byock wrote a book called Dying Well. As a hospice advocate, he believes there are certain words you and your dying loved one should exchange while you can.  

These are some things you might want to say: 

• I love you
• I forgive you
• Forgive me
• Thank you
• Goodbye

Why Your Loved One Needs to Hear You Say Goodbye to Them

Sometimes, a dying person will cling to life when they believe the people who love them aren’t ready for them to go. They may also be afraid or struggle with what they’re leaving behind or what they’re about to face. Reassuring them can bring the relief and release they need. It can also bring you both comfort. 

Here are some things a dying person might need to hear:

• It’s okay to go when you’re ready.
• Don’t be afraid.
• I’ll be all right without you.
• I’ll take care of the things you’re worried about leaving behind.

The chance to say goodbye is a gift. Moving forward with no regrets after your loved one’s death is also a gift. You’ll never be sorry for using the time you have left with them to work things out, say what needs to be said, or tell them how much they mean to you.

The chance of experiencing loss in your lifetime is 100 percent. Everyone encounters significant loss at some point, and grief is the emotional reaction to that loss. Whether you face the death of a beloved family member or pet, see a marriage or job crumble, or watch your health or finances diminish, some level of grieving will occur.

Grief is both universal and unique in its nature. Two people experiencing the same loss might react   very   differently   depending   on   their relationship to whom or what is being grieved.

It’s not uncommon to experience sleeplessness, weight  loss  or  gain,  or  a  weakened  immune system. Chronic illnesses may become worse due to the stress of grieving.  Emotional responses may range from anger, sadness, guilt, fear, or anxiety to moments of relief, peace, or even happiness.

THE FIVE STAGES OF GRIEF

While  there  is  no  normal  or  expected  grief response, there are five common stages, observed by  psychiatrist  Elisabeth  Kübler-Ross,  through which many people walk. These stages include:

 

1. Denial - Disbelieving the current reality as a way of coping with overwhelming facts.
2. Anger - Initial emotional reaction to awareness of loss.
3. Bargaining - Adjusting to loss through use of negotiation, compromise, or resolutions.
4. Depression   -   Overwhelming   feelings   of helplessness and hopelessness.
5. Acceptance - Coming to terms with the loss; sadness begins to give way to hope.

COMMON MYTHS ABOUT GRIEF

No two individuals will follow the same grief path or timetable. Grieving is an intensely personal experience, and no one should determine what is grief-worthy for another. There is no “normal” or standard protocol that fits everyone. Here are some other common misconceptions:

 

• If you just ignore the loss, the pain will go away.
• It’s important for you to stay strong at all times.
• Tears are directly proportionate to the level of your loss.
• After one year, you should be completely over all aspects of your loss. 

 

ACTION STEPS

There are many useful ways to move from a place of grief to a life of healing and hope.

✓  Talking  about  the  loss  with  family  and friends can aid healing.

✓  Emotional  reactions  of  all  sorts  (anger, sadness, bitterness, envy) are normal.

✓  Give yourself permission to experience a wide range of emotions and not feel guilty.

✓  Take care of yourself with good nutrition, exercise and rest.

✓  Avoid relying on caffeine, alcohol or other drugs as a means of self-medicating.

KEEP IN MIND

Coping with  grief and  loss  takes  time  and involves learning to live with the loss without being consumed by it.  Consider reaching out to your health  care  provider and  engaging other counseling resources for guidance on next steps.

What steps will you take today to help yourself heal and recover?

Want to talk to a counselor today about this? 

Call us at 800-453-7733 and ask for your “Free 15 Minute Phone Consultation" with one of our licensed counselors. We’ll listen, answer questions you may have, and help you plan next steps.

When a Loved One Dies

 

Dealing with the emotions that follow the death of a loved one can make any task difficult. Planning the funeral and facilitating the process of getting matters in order can add stress to an already challenging situation. Having some direction can help to make sure that the proper steps are taken, and that nothing important is overlooked.

 

Immediate Checklist

 

After a loved one dies, first reactions can vary from depression to anger to shock, and anything in between. While you might feel lost, confused, or helpless, there are some important steps that need to be taken as soon as possible following the death of your loved one. The sooner these actions can be carried out, the sooner you can guarantee that communication is moving forward that will work to honor the life of the deceased, and protect assets and other wishes through legal and administrative matters.

 

1. Arrange Transportation: Your loved one might have died at a hospital or other facility. If so, ask about the procedure for storage and delivery of the body to a funeral home or other location. If the death occurred elsewhere, calling 911 is the best place to start. Selecting a funeral home as soon as possible, and notifying them, will also be helpful as they can help with transporting the body of the deceased to the right locations. If the deceased was an organ donor, notifying medical staff as soon as possible can make sure that this wish can be carried out to save other lives.
2. Make Contact: Call close family and friends of the deceased. This can help to identify who knew what funeral arrangements the deceased might have specified, and can help to locate these details to help with the next steps. It is also a thoughtful step to take, and could be helpful to designate certain people to do this job.
3. Secure Valuables: To prevent any further difficulties, ask someone to check on the property of the deceased. Make sure the car, home, and other valuables are locked or taken care of. If the deceased had pets, arrange for care.
4. Plan the Funeral: Having written instructions from the deceased can be helpful with this step. If there are no written directions, consider involving those closest to the deceased and facilitate a conversation to organize the arrangements. This will include details such as if a religious tradition should be involved, choosing cremation or burial, contributions to a charity, and if there will be a meal after any services.
5. Prepare the Obituary: Consider what information you may want to include and to look into newspaper rates and other guidelines.
6. Take Care of Matters: Having a few certified copies of the Death Certificate will help to complete taking care of financial, administrative, and other estate issues. A few places to consider contacting include
   • Secretary of State to cancel the Driver’s License and prevent identity theft
   • Insurance Companies to cancel payment and tie up loose ends
   • Credit Card companies to cancel cards and check about interest rates and payments that need to be made
   • Banks and other financial institutions
   • Probate attorney, lawyer, or whoever has knowledge of executing a will that was left by the deceased
   • Utility companies to cancel and pay bills
   • Other social media, technology, or email accounts may need to be shut down.
7. Self-Care: With all of the necessary responsibilities and heightened emotions, it can be tough to take time to grieve and to speak with your loved ones. Remember to ask for help and to take care of your basic needs, including food, hygiene, and relationships.

 

Funeral Assistance

 

Some people might have prepared for funeral expenses by paying early on. If you are not familiar with funeral costs, familiarize yourself with the Funeral Rule, enforced by the Federal Trade Commission, so you know what funeral homes are obligated to do to ensure that prices are fair.

 

If you find yourself in need of assistance in paying for a funeral, consider these options:

• Ask for Help: Friends and family might be willing to pitch in, so don’t think that finances are only left to you. Some people have used crowdfunding or fundraising to make this a reality. Other sources of help could include the employer of the deceased, or leadership of any groups that the deceased was involved with; sometimes they have programs to help with funeral costs. Another option could include donating the body to science.
• Organizations: Some non-profit organizations have programs to help the community cover funeral costs. The Salvation Army and Red Cross are two examples, and Angel names and The SIDS Foundation offer assistance for infants. There are also state or federal assistance programs available, and can be reached by contacting your county’s Coroner. Keep in mind, that some qualification might be required for these.
• Veteran Benefits: Keep in mind that if your loved one was a veteran, there might be extra assistance or options for the funeral to consider.

 

Want to talk to a counselor today about this? 

Call us at 800-453-7733 and ask for your “Free 15 Minute Phone Consultation" with one of our licensed counselors. We’ll listen, answer questions you may have, and help you plan next steps.

 

Sources

• http://www.planningafuneral.com/important-information.aspx
• https://www.funeralwise.com/etiquette/how-to-dress-for-a-funeral/
• http://www.legalvoice.org/after-death-occurs-checklist
• https://www.aarp.org/home-family/friends-family/info-06-2012/when-loved-one-dies-checklist.html