divorce

Getting a Divorce

The reality of marriage and the day-to-day struggles lead some couples to pursue divorce. Many times, divorce simply brings different challenges. Before you make that final decision, it’s important to consider all divorce entails.

Thinking It Through

If you are contemplating a divorce you should ask yourself, and your spouse if possible, some potentially difficult questions. Both introspection and interpersonal communication with your spouse are key when evaluating the severity of a divorce. Use the following ideas to springboard these critical conversations.

• Introspection-
  • Why do I want to get divorced? Do I imagine life would be easier alone or with a different partner? Invest some time thinking about your expectations after a divorce.
  • Would I be happier with someone else? If another love interest is involved, your emotions are likely contributing to a romanticized, active imagination. The daily challenges of a new marriage could alter that mental picture. Though you might be happy with a different spouse, new or similar problems might also arise. With some helpful direction or counsel, it’s possible you could be happier with your current spouse.
• Interpersonal Communication-
  • Did we try everything? Marital problems can easily lead one to feel lost, stressed, confused, angry, and hurting. Ask your spouse if they are interested in pursuing marriage counseling, talking with a religious leader, or working on the marriage in another way.
  • Who will stay in the home? Who will get what? The logistics of a spouse moving out or selling a home are real. Splitting what you own and what you owe is necessary. Any marital debt will be split halfway, regardless of whose name is attached to the debt. As much as possible, speaking with your spouse alone on these topics will save time and money. A trained divorce mediator can also help navigate these discussions.
  • What should custody look like? How will you co-parent? Who will talk with the children about these upcoming changes? Divorce drastically affects the emotions and lifestyle of children. Other points to consider are:
    • Will the children have to move homes or change schools?
    • What is each partner’s availability to care for the children?
    • Are you both open to co-parenting, working together toward consistent discipline, communication, and involvement?
    • How will you communicate the separation or divorce to your children? Keep in mind the child’s age, their coping style, and how close they feel to an individual parent.

Walking Through a Divorce

The divorce process varies by state. Usually one person is required to file a petition for divorce. After filing, the other party is formally served divorce papers. A limited amount of time is allowed for said party to respond in writing. Failure to do so may find the served spouse in default. When a party is in default, the case will continue without them, and the individual may lose their rights and ability to participate in the case.

 

Many states allow “no fault” divorces, meaning that one spouse did not necessarily wrong the other. No specific reasons need be offered either. Many couples simply claim “irreconcilable differences.”

 

Legal Expertise

Whether your divorce proceedings are emotionally-charged or civil, it’s important to have someone advocating for you. When looking to hire an attorney, consider interviewing at least three divorce attorneys to find one that fits your comfort level. A minimum of five years of experience practicing family and divorce law is highly beneficial. Look for a competent attorney, who is comfortable presenting before a judge if needed. In cases of abuse or domestic violence, a divorce lawyer can offer direction toward support agencies during the separation period.

 

A divorce attorney will meet with their client before drafting the divorce petition. Financial records, property, assets, and child custody/support will be discussed thoroughly. Your legal counsel will develop a plan for distribution of assets between both parties.

 

Not all divorce proceedings go to trial. Lawyers often assist couples in communication, negotiations, and other collaborative divorce techniques. If no agreements can be made, a case may proceed to trial where a judge will determine the outcome.

 

Protecting Assets

Starting over financially or separating joint accounts may seem daunting. Consider the following financial advice to begin your next life chapter.

• Prove income- Collect pay stubs and old tax returns to provide proof of income.
• Budget- Consider what your post-divorce budget will be. This information can help you determine what to ask for in a divorce settlement.
• Establish credit- Apply for your own credit cards. Build credit by using these sparingly and paying the total balance each month.
• Open and close accounts- If you share a bank account with your spouse, document any withdrawals. Share this information openly with your attorney. Open an account in your own name, especially if you’re concerned about misappropriation of funds. Close joint accounts as quickly as possible and place a freeze on your joint credit cards.

If you or your spouse are unable or unwilling to continue the marriage, be prepared to make smart choices. Should your divorce proceedings go into litigation, actions and/or poor decisions will be scrutinized. Avoid gregarious partying, dating, and other reckless choices. Most certainly remember, if children are involved, this divorce will undoubtedly affect the whole family. Use this experience to draw closer with your children by modeling common courtesy, maturity, wisdom, and kindness.

 

Want to talk to a counselor today about this? 

Call us at 800-453-7733 and ask for your “Free 15 Minute Phone Consultation" with one of our licensed counselors. We’ll listen, answer questions you may have, and help you plan next steps.

 

Sources:

https://www.thespruce.com/what-to-consider-before-divorcing-with-kids-2997368

https://family-law.freeadvice.com/family-law/divorce_law/no-fault_divorce.htm

http://marriagecounselingblog.com/marriage-counseling/things-to-consider-before-you-divorce/

https://legalassistancecenter.org/get-help/divorce/

https://www.liveabout.com/things-to-do-before-you-file-for-a-divorce-1103072

 

Children and Divorce

Today, around one in two marriages end in divorce.  The majority of these occur with children under the age of 18.  Because parents can represent security for a child, children can become scared and confused when they see their parent(s) hurting or distracted.  Therefore, many parents worry about how the divorce will impact their children.

Talk with the Kids

Communicating clearly to your children is critical during the transition of a divorce.  Otherwise, children often misinterpret the situation and accept blame, thinking the divorce is their fault.  When possible, try to have both parents present to talk with the children.  Without a clear, civil conversation, kids often accept the responsibility of trying to get the parents back together.  The following key points will help guide your discussion:

• Tell your children what is happening.
• Explain how this will and won’t involve them.
• Ask your children what questions or concerns they have.
• Share with your children what the end result will be.

Child Reactions

Extra support and additional conversations will probably be necessary during this transitional time.  Children may experience physical, emotional, mental, and/or behavioral reactions to the divorce such as: 

• Younger children may regress to childhood behaviors they long outgrew. Desiring a pacifier, wetting the bed, and experiencing separation anxiety are common.
• Older children can experience feelings of guilt, anger, and possibly relief. Depression or anxiety may occur, as well as withdrawal from family and friends.  These emotions may trigger them to act out their anger through aggression.   

Symptoms and Behaviors to Watch

You may begin to notice some more serious symptoms or behaviors.  Do not feel like you are on your own.  There are a wide variety of support services available through your child’s school, community organizations, and medical and mental health professionals.  Monitor your children to gauge how they are handling the situation, and don’t hesitate to educate yourself about the resources in your community.

 

If your child is showing signs of aggression at home or school this is an indicator of internal struggle.  Children may withdraw from socialization and no longer cooperate with tasks.  There could be academic or behavioral problems at school.  Specific emotional symptoms might include low self-esteem, moodiness, irrational fears and repetitive behaviors, and a minimal desire to communicate with one or both parents. 

 

The Next Step

Many parents who divorce often start out “parallel parenting.”  Here, contact and communication between the former spouses is often quite limited.  Though the parents may be heading toward the same parenting goals for their children, their relationship may be fairly difficult.  In time, parents often move to “cooperative parenting.”  This occurs when ex-spouses are better able to communicate with one another.  Scheduling events and making decisions about the kids are made cooperatively. 

 

Strategies for the Family

Without exception, your family will experience change.  To minimize the potential negative effects of divorce, consider the following points of wisdom for you, the children, and the dual-households:

 

For You:

• Acknowledge- It’s perfectly acceptable to let your children know that what your family is going through is sad. When you express this, it gives your children permission to experience their emotions without feeling guilty or confused.
• Support- Look outside your children for your support during this emotionally charged time. It is not their responsibility or within their capability to maintain your emotional health. 
• Respect- Remember, your ex-spouse is still your child’s mother or father. Refrain from complaining about your former spouse’s flaws and faults in front of them.  Likewise, arguments you have should remain private.
• Be direct- Your children are not messengers or spies between you and your ex. Be direct when you need information and go straight to your former spouse.  It is unfair and awkward to use the kids as a go-between. 
• Be reliable- Keep your plans with your child. Do not cancel unless absolutely necessary.  If the unforeseen does arise, sincerely apologize to your child.  Stability and trust are fundamental needs during the divorce transition. 

For the Kids:

• Prepare- Keep the kids in the loop as much as possible. Springing last-minute changes and decisions on them increases the potential for anxiety, instability, and strained relationships.
• Keep it simple- Complicated and confusing details are not necessary when you talk to your kids. Keep conversations regarding their father or mother short, simple, and factual.  Avoid your commentary on the situation. 
• Give permission- Communicate with your child that you desire them to have a good, healthy, and loving relationship with your ex. Unless there is threat of danger (i.e. emotional, physical, or sexual abuse), give your child “permission” to enjoy and foster that relationship. 
• Release- Clearly affirm that divorce is between parents, not parents and children. Reiterate it is not their fault and release your children from any feelings of guilt. 
• Reassure- The importance of your love cannot be understated. Reassure your children you will always love them and be their parents.  Divorce cannot change that.

For the Household:

• Manage finances- Conversations about household finances, as they relate to your ex, and child support should remain private matters. Financial issues should not be discussed in front of the kids. 
• Have structure- If possible, try to establish similar rules in both households. Structure communicates stability.
• Establish a routine- A good routine in the midst of change is helpful. Your child will feel more secure when he or she clearly knows what to expect.

Divorce is painful, but there is help available.  Be willing to seek out family counseling or support groups if you feel that your family could benefit from them.  You are not the first to navigate the rough waters of divorce; allow the experience of others to help you in this time of transition.   

 

Want to talk to a counselor today about this? 

Call Amplified Life at 800-453-7733 and ask for your “Free 15 Minute Phone Consultation" with one of our licensed counselors. We’ll listen, answer questions you may have, and help you plan next steps.

Sources:

http://www.aacap.org/aacap/Families_and_Youth/Facts_for_Families/Facts_for_Families_Pages/Children_and_Divorce_01.aspx

http://www.aamft.org/imis15/content/consumer_updates/children_and_divorce.aspx