by Lyle Labardee April 04, 2020
Managing the Stress of Parenting
Being a parent provides many fulfilling and beautiful moments. Often, parenthood can encompass the majority of your schedule and is at the forefront of your mind. Occasionally, you might have more trouble coping with the responsibilities of parenting. Learning about stress can be a valuable life lesson.
Stress
Most of the time stress is easy to identify. However, sometimes you might prefer to blame how you are feeling on something else. If you are noticing any of the following symptoms, you might have a high stress level:
Many of these symptoms can be attributed to other causes, but if you notice that you also have had a significant lifestyle change – increasing drug or alcohol use, increasing or decreasing how much you eat, are fighting more often, or are not participating in activities that you enjoy – you could be experiencing stress.
Stress is a normal reaction to environmental changes and helps to prepare the body to prioritize and act as necessary to respond to the changes. At times, stress can become constant. The changes that stress causes in the body are helpful in short bursts, but can be hurtful if prolonged, leading to high blood pressure, weight gain, heart disease, diabetes and mental health issues.
Another important side effect of your stress is the impact it has on your children. While many parents think that they can hide their stress, children are able to notice and when parents are stressed and be bothered by it. Stress can make you less understanding and more critical of your child. It can also decrease the quality of your relationship with your children. Furthermore, how you handle your stress is one of the first examples that your children have for how to handle their own stress.
Tips to Handle Stress
Even if you are not feeling the effects of stress, incorporating these tips into your family’s activities can help to prevent stress and teach healthy coping.
Single Parents
If you are raising children on your own, you face some unique stressors. The following tips can help to keep stress at a minimum.
Sources
by Lyle Labardee April 04, 2020
Successful Stepfamilies
With many marriages ending in divorce, stepfamilies are becoming even more commonplace. Though your may find your family growing in number, cultivating a successful stepfamily takes time, compromise, and motivation.
Stepfamilies Defined
Traditionally, a stepfamily has been defined as a family where a parent has at least one child not biologically (or legally, in terms of adoption) related to the other parent. This child may live with one biological parent and visits the other biological parent, or he or she may equally split time between both original parents. Other times a child has a lost a parent and the living parent will remarry.
There are many variations of stepfamilies. Whereas the term stepfamily once referred only to married couples, cohabitating relationships where one or both parents had existing children are now recognized as stepfamilies. Grown children, in the case of parental death, will often refer to their parent’s new spouse as a stepparent, even though they never lived under the same roof.
Blended families are also a form of stepfamily. This is where both partners come into the marriage or relationship with existing children. Blended families have many of the same challenges as other stepfamilies as well as unique ones.
Transition Process
As a stepfamily or blended family is beginning the process of transition, there are often some growing pains along the way. Adapting to new routines requires compromise for everyone. Emotions usually run high; guilt over a divorce, anger about sacrifices made, worry about the stepfamily transition, and jealousy between stepsiblings are fairly common responses.
Stepparents may struggle in the transition process to figure out their new roles. Questions over discipline, rule-setting, and household responsibilities are priorities to address. These may cause insecurity and uncertainty in the new stepparent. Parents also worry about perceived favoritism between biological and stepchildren.
Similarly, kids face transitional unrest. Children may feel caught between both biological parents, not wanting to upset either one. In addition, your child will need to learn how to “share” you with your new spouse. Sharing may also extend to their home and belongings if your new spouse or partner moved into your home.
Struggling Stepfamily Signs
With all these changes, stress is at an elevated rate. Here are some key warning signs of a stepfamily struggling with change:
Strategies for Successful Stepfamilies
Tension and family distress do not have to be the norm for beginning stepfamilies. The following suggestions are designed to improve unity within the family:
For Everyone:
For Parents:
For Stepparents:
For Stepfamilies with a New Baby:
While the challenges are very real for today’s stepfamilies, so are the rewards. If your stepfamily is still experiencing growing pains in the adjustment process, ask for help. Family therapy is an excellent tool for working through everyone’s emotions in the transition. For additional help, check out the National Stepfamily Resource Center at www.stepfamilies.info.
Sources
http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-living/childrens-health/in-depth/stepfamilies/art-20047046
by Lyle Labardee April 04, 2020
Children and Divorce
Today, around one in two marriages end in divorce. The majority of these occur with children under the age of 18. Because parents can represent security for a child, children can become scared and confused when they see their parent(s) hurting or distracted. Therefore, many parents worry about how the divorce will impact their children.
Talk with the Kids
Communicating clearly to your children is critical during the transition of a divorce. Otherwise, children often misinterpret the situation and accept blame, thinking the divorce is their fault. When possible, try to have both parents present to talk with the children. Without a clear, civil conversation, kids often accept the responsibility of trying to get the parents back together. The following key points will help guide your discussion:
Child Reactions
Extra support and additional conversations will probably be necessary during this transitional time. Children may experience physical, emotional, mental, and/or behavioral reactions to the divorce such as:
Symptoms and Behaviors to Watch
You may begin to notice some more serious symptoms or behaviors. Do not feel like you are on your own. There are a wide variety of support services available through your child’s school, community organizations, and medical and mental health professionals. Monitor your children to gauge how they are handling the situation, and don’t hesitate to educate yourself about the resources in your community.
If your child is showing signs of aggression at home or school this is an indicator of internal struggle. Children may withdraw from socialization and no longer cooperate with tasks. There could be academic or behavioral problems at school. Specific emotional symptoms might include low self-esteem, moodiness, irrational fears and repetitive behaviors, and a minimal desire to communicate with one or both parents.
The Next Step
Many parents who divorce often start out “parallel parenting.” Here, contact and communication between the former spouses is often quite limited. Though the parents may be heading toward the same parenting goals for their children, their relationship may be fairly difficult. In time, parents often move to “cooperative parenting.” This occurs when ex-spouses are better able to communicate with one another. Scheduling events and making decisions about the kids are made cooperatively.
Strategies for the Family
Without exception, your family will experience change. To minimize the potential negative effects of divorce, consider the following points of wisdom for you, the children, and the dual-households:
For You:
For the Kids:
For the Household:
Divorce is painful, but there is help available. Be willing to seek out family counseling or support groups if you feel that your family could benefit from them. You are not the first to navigate the rough waters of divorce; allow the experience of others to help you in this time of transition.
Sources:
http://www.aamft.org/imis15/content/consumer_updates/children_and_divorce.aspx
by Lyle Labardee April 04, 2020
Teaching Kids about Finances
Financial skills are necessary for a successful life, but often people don’t start to learn them until they reach adulthood. Personal finance and making smart financial decisions may not be included in your child’s school curriculum, but kids need to be taught about finances to prepare them for independence. Parents should guide their young ones in sound money management as they have the greatest influence on a child’s financial practices.
Finances and Family
Kids learn by doing. Research has indicated that children as young as three can understand the concept of saving and spending, and that children’s money habits are formed by age seven. Therefore, it is never too early to begin teaching your children about money. While it’s best to not share financial worries with your kids, talking with them about daily money decisions can be beneficial. For example, engage in conversation about what to buy at the grocery store, where you shop, and how you pay bills.
You can also show children how to handle money by implementing some form of an allowance. Not every task should require payment, so it’s good to have kids do some chores simply because they are part of the family. At the same time, paying your child for larger projects around the house can be a teaching tool for money management and helps to develop a strong work ethic. Consider developing a “401” account where you match every dollar they set aside in savings. Their excitement will build as they watch their account double whenever they choose to save instead of spend.
Lessons Through the Ages:
Children are ready to handle the beginning concepts of basic money management from preschool onward. Consider these financial tips through the stages of your child’s development:
Teaching your children about money is necessary and can also be fun. One of the best ways to help them learn is to engage them in the financial decision-making activities in your household. Simply lecturing about good money principles is not nearly as successful as hands-on experience. As an added bonus, you might discover something that will improve your own financial planning.
Sources:
by Lyle Labardee April 04, 2020
Talking to Young People about Tough Issues
The intensity of today’s life issues can be challenging for any adult, so discussing them with an adolescent can be even more complicated. Many parents feel inadequate talking through intimidating topics like sex, drug use, peer pressure, bullying, and teen pregnancy. The following tips on communication, parental reactions, and responsibilities can help you navigate conversations with a young person about the tough issues he or she could face:
Communication Strategies
Parental Reactions
Parental Responsibilities
Finally, it’s important to praise a teen when they are honest with you about tough issues. Help them understand that having a humble attitude and telling the truth will minimize a possible punishment. Remaining calm and nonjudgmental shows your child you’re a safe place and an ally, and they will be more likely to approach you with tough topics in the future.
Sources:
http://www.hhs.gov/ash/oah/resources-and-publications/info/parents/get-started/
http://www.hhs.gov/ash/oah/resources-and-publications/info/parents/conversation-tools/
[i] Strasburger, V. C. (2010). Sexuality, contraception, and the media. Pediatrics, 126(3), 576-582
by Lyle Labardee April 04, 2020
Grief and Loss: Loss of a Child
Losing a child is the most devastating pain a parent could face. The future is forever changed and the grieving may last a lifetime. There are many types of loss including miscarriage, stillbirth, kidnapping, violence, accidents, and illness. Even the death of an adult child can devastate a parent, as it is unnatural for a parent to outlive their child.
What is Parental Grief?
While everyone experiences loss to some capacity, the grief process is unique. No two people will grieve the same way, and each person’s timetable for healing will differ. Many factors influence parental grieving. Cultural norms, religious beliefs, and the specifics of how the child died can all influence how a parent grieves his or her child. Some instances such as an illness or accident, are a visible loss of a child, while a miscarriage can be a less visible, but no less painful, separation.
There are typically five main stages of grief a person experiences. They are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Grieving is intensely personal, and no one should determine what is “grief-worthy” for another. There are also many underlying layers of grief. Parents will mourn the child, but they will also experience additional feelings of loss, such as the child’s smell, voice, laugh, cry, the future memories never to be made, etc.
Symptoms of Parental Grief
Losing a child can result in a number of emotional responses. Parents can be depressed, angry, shocked or confused. Many struggle with feelings of guilt and fear for their other children’s health or safety. Some parents may resent families with healthy children, feel that life is meaningless, or question their faith and beliefs. They can become angry with their spouse for grieving and coping differently than they do.
There are a variety of physical symptoms that can accompany grief. Changes in sleeping or eating patterns, loss of appetite, lack of concentration, and fatigue are common grief effects. Some parents may no longer enjoy activities that once brought great pleasure, and if symptoms worsen, they may even contemplate suicide.
Helping the Grieving Process
Though parents will always mourn the loss of a child, healing is possible. The following is a list of helpful insights for grieving parents:
Mourning the loss of a child will not go away overnight. The pain may last a lifetime, but there are ways to find meaning after the loss. Consider how you might want to honor your child’s life and create a lasting legacy to honor them. Some might hold a memorial service, volunteer, or contribute to a cause their child appreciated. Any way that reminds a grieving parent of their child in a healthy, positive manner will help their transition process toward acceptance.
Sources:
https://www.aamft.org/imis15/content/consumer_updates/grieving_the_loss_of_a_child.aspx
http://www.cancer.net/coping-and-emotions/managing-emotions/grief-and-loss/grieving-loss-child
by Lyle Labardee April 04, 2020
Identifying Troubled Children
Often children are unable to cope positively with change or stress in their lives. These transitions can leave them feeling frustrated and angry, and they can behave in ways that indicate they are at risk for emotional and social difficulties.
Predictors of Behavioral Problems
Negative behavioral patterns in children can be linked to the following three main areas within a child’s life:
Early Warning Signs
Not every kid who exhibits one or more of these signs is a troubled child. However, it’s important to consider these early warning signs:
Helping Troubled Children
Identifying and helping children with behavioral problems is not one person’s responsibility. It takes a community of people who are committed to looking for warning signs, as prevention is the most effective strategy. The following tools can guide you to help troubled children:
Identifying a troubled child is not assigning them a lifelong diagnosis. Children with behavioral problems don’t have to become troubled adults. Mental health professionals and school staff are available to teach positive ways to cope with life stressors as a child transitions to adolescence or adulthood. The best strategy for success is surrounding yourself with a team of individuals who are willing and able to support both you and your child.
Sources: http://www.nasponline.org/resources/crisis_safety/suicidept1_general.aspx
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