children

Thanksgiving and Christmas are often spent with extended family—which can bring stress by itself. Add in the recent emotionally charged election and the divisiveness it’s caused, and this year’s holiday dinners have leveled up. 

In today’s political climate, people are moving away from politely expressing a differing view while respecting others’ opinions. Oftentimes, they’re not willing to keep the topic off the table, have an open discussion, or even remain civil. Where relationships might’ve been prioritized over political views in the past, lines have now been drawn in the sand. People have unfollowed others on social media, cancelled events, and shut down relationships with family and friends. 

It's not surprising that even the thought of coming together to share a meal can cause dread, tension, and anxiety over potential conflict. Even if you think you know someone well, you can’t always predict how they’ll react. And you can’t change them. But you can change the way you respond. Check out the strategies below to help you survive this year’s holiday dinners. 

Strategies to Survive Your Holiday Dinner

Set boundaries before and during the event. If you’re the host, send a text or an email to request that guests avoid polarizing topics. Politely remind them again as you sit down to dinner. If you’re the guest, decide ahead of time what you will and will not endure. If things get too much for you, excuse yourself as politely as possible, tell everyone you love them, wish them a happy holiday, and explain that you’re not feeling well and have to leave. 

Shift the Focus. When conversations veer into iffy territory, redirect. Ask lots of questions. People love to talk about themselves and their thoughts. The more questions you ask, the more you control the narrative. Tell a joke. Have a couple of corny “dad” jokes ready. When things get awkward, save the day with humor. Groans are better than heated stares. Suggest playing a game or watching a movie. 

Take a break. Scope out a place to decompress before you need it. Politely excuse yourself. Spend a few minutes scrolling through social media, watching funny cat videos, or listening to your favorite music. Take some deep breaths. 

Limit your time. It’s better to stay for an hour or two and leave on a good note. 

Strategies for What to Say to Avoid Political Conversation

• When you want to change the subject. “Can I interrupt? We need to talk about XYZ.” This approach changes the topic and gives you a way out. 

• When you want to disagree. “My opinion is different, but you make an interesting point.” This is a respectful way to disagree that also lets others feel heard. 

• When you need a break. “This isn’t something I want to talk about right now. Can we talk about X?” Most people will at least think about not pushing back once you’ve clearly stated you want to talk about something else. 

• When you feel uncomfortable. “For personal reasons, I’d rather not discuss this. Mind if we ditch this topic?” By being direct and honest, you can state your feelings without it being awkward.”

• When you’re stressed and need to shut a conversation down. “I respectfully disagree and think it would be best if we didn’t talk about it anymore.” This gives calm and respectful feedback while making your views clear.

• When someone gets emotional. “I see you feel strongly about this. I’m starting to feel a bit uncomfortable. Can we talk about something else?” When you say what’s happening for you personally, you can move forward in a way that’s respectful to both of you.

8 Strategies to Handle Conflict When It Arises

• Stay calm and civil. Getting angry, calling names, villainizing people, yelling, or arguing only escalates conflict. When you calmly respond to someone, they’re more likely to hear your viewpoint. 

• Agree to disagree. People see the same event from different viewpoints. Sometimes, it’s enough to acknowledge that it’s okay not to agree. 

• Separate people from their opinions. You can still care about and respect someone if their beliefs and choices differ from yours. 

• Acknowledge and validate both of your fears, anxieties, and anger, and focus on the relationship rather than the conflict.   

• Listen actively. Active listening communicates someone’s worth and helps you understand the thoughts, feelings, and emotions behind what they’re saying. Try to hear the assumptions, cultural values, and beliefs behind their message so you can “walk a few blocks in their shoes.” 

• Know your message. If possible, consider your own emotions and thoughts before a conflict occurs. Decide how you can best communicate your needs, interests, values, and principles ahead of time so you’re prepared to respond in a calm, respectful manner. 

• Use defusing speech and body language. 

• Choose “I” instead of “you” statements. Focus on the actual conflict instead of how you’re reacting to it. (“I feel frustrated when you tell me what my opinion should be.”)

• Avoid triggers. Stay away from exaggerated words (always or never), emotionally charged words, and aggressive nonverbal language (crossing your arms, rolling your eyes, pointing a finger, getting into someone’s personal space).

Keep in Mind

If you’re the one who wants to talk politics, be sensitive, and respectful. Try saying, “I’d like to hear your thoughts on X. Is that something you’d be interested in discussing with me?” Asking for permission gives others the opportunity to participate or to opt out of a discussion.

You can’t control others, but you can control yourself. Remember to be the person you wish everyone else was. Show grace and compassion. Treat others the way you want to be treated. And if the tension becomes too much, it’s okay to walk away.

Grief and Loss: Loss of a Child

Losing a child is the most devastating pain a parent could face.  The future is forever changed and the grieving may last a lifetime.  There are many types of loss including miscarriage, stillbirth, kidnapping, violence, accidents, and illness.  Even the death of an adult child can devastate a parent, as it is unnatural for a parent to outlive their child. 

What is Parental Grief?

While everyone experiences loss to some capacity, the grief process is unique.  No two people will grieve the same way, and each person’s timetable for healing will differ.  Many factors influence parental grieving.  Cultural norms, religious beliefs, and the specifics of how the child died can all influence how a parent grieves his or her child.  Some instances such as an illness or accident, are a visible loss of a child, while a miscarriage can be a less visible, but no less painful, separation. 

 

There are typically five main stages of grief a person experiences.  They are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.  Grieving is intensely personal, and no one should determine what is “grief-worthy” for another.  There are also many underlying layers of grief.  Parents will mourn the child, but they will also experience additional feelings of loss, such as the child’s smell, voice, laugh, cry, the future memories never to be made, etc.

 

Symptoms of Parental Grief

Losing a child can result in a number of emotional responses.  Parents can be depressed, angry, shocked or confused.  Many struggle with feelings of guilt and fear for their other children’s health or safety.  Some parents may resent families with healthy children, feel that life is meaningless, or question their faith and beliefs.  They can become angry with their spouse for grieving and coping differently than they do. 

 

There are a variety of physical symptoms that can accompany grief.  Changes in sleeping or eating patterns, loss of appetite, lack of concentration, and fatigue are common grief effects.  Some parents may no longer enjoy activities that once brought great pleasure, and if symptoms worsen, they may even contemplate suicide. 

 

Helping the Grieving Process

Though parents will always mourn the loss of a child, healing is possible.  The following is a list of helpful insights for grieving parents:

• Seek support- Grieving parents do not need to mourn alone. Don’t hesitate to ask for help, as family therapists and counselors have special knowledge that can help you through the grieving process in a healthy way. Communities of faith also provide an outlet to share your feelings, and support groups can provide a safe place to meet others who have gone through the same experience.
• Keep a routine- When you are grieving it’s important to have some stability in your week. Having some fun, comforting, and familiar activities to look forward to can help you and any other children feel safety and a measure of normalcy. 
• Stay open- Talking about your child might seem difficult at first, but remembering them can help the healing process. When memories and stories are brought up, use your child’s name and reminisce openly with others.  Never feel like you are inconveniencing others with your grief.   
• Plan for holidays- Special days, holidays, and your child’s birthday will be difficult, especially the first anniversary of them. Plan ahead for this time.  How do you want to remember the child?  Would you like to be home or away, occupied or contemplative?  The best plan for the day is anything that will benefit you and your family’s healing. 
• Say no to guilt- Don’t beat yourself up when housework or other responsibilities slide. When you need help, ask for it.  People might want to help but not know how to best do so, so it’s important to be specific or give examples when you ask for support. 
• Care for other children- There are some specific things to consider when you have additional children, as everyone is grieving in his or her own way.
  • Include them- Siblings will grieve in their own ways. Inquire if they want to participate in a memorial service or find another way to honor their sibling.  This will provide a way for them to remember their sibling, validate their sense of loss, and move towards healing.
  • Avoid comparison- Children should never be compared to their sibling who died. Otherwise, they will assume the responsibility of trying to fill the void and replace the child you have lost. 
  • Be aware- Some parents will cling to their other children and act in an overprotective manner out of fear. Others may be overly permissive.  If you feel like you cannot give your other children the attention they need, ask a friend or family member to help. 

Mourning the loss of a child will not go away overnight.  The pain may last a lifetime, but there are ways to find meaning after the loss.  Consider how you might want to honor your child’s life and create a lasting legacy to honor them.  Some might hold a memorial service, volunteer, or contribute to a cause their child appreciated.  Any way that reminds a grieving parent of their child in a healthy, positive manner will help their transition process toward acceptance. 

 

Want to talk to a counselor today about this? 

Call Amplified Life at 800-453-7733 and ask for your “Free 15 Minute Phone Consultation" with one of our licensed counselors. We’ll listen, answer questions you may have, and help you plan next steps.

 

Sources:

https://www.aamft.org/imis15/content/consumer_updates/grieving_the_loss_of_a_child.aspx

http://www.cancer.net/coping-and-emotions/managing-emotions/grief-and-loss/grieving-loss-child