communication

Thanksgiving and Christmas are often spent with extended family—which can bring stress by itself. Add in the recent emotionally charged election and the divisiveness it’s caused, and this year’s holiday dinners have leveled up. 

In today’s political climate, people are moving away from politely expressing a differing view while respecting others’ opinions. Oftentimes, they’re not willing to keep the topic off the table, have an open discussion, or even remain civil. Where relationships might’ve been prioritized over political views in the past, lines have now been drawn in the sand. People have unfollowed others on social media, cancelled events, and shut down relationships with family and friends. 

It's not surprising that even the thought of coming together to share a meal can cause dread, tension, and anxiety over potential conflict. Even if you think you know someone well, you can’t always predict how they’ll react. And you can’t change them. But you can change the way you respond. Check out the strategies below to help you survive this year’s holiday dinners. 

Strategies to Survive Your Holiday Dinner

Set boundaries before and during the event. If you’re the host, send a text or an email to request that guests avoid polarizing topics. Politely remind them again as you sit down to dinner. If you’re the guest, decide ahead of time what you will and will not endure. If things get too much for you, excuse yourself as politely as possible, tell everyone you love them, wish them a happy holiday, and explain that you’re not feeling well and have to leave. 

Shift the Focus. When conversations veer into iffy territory, redirect. Ask lots of questions. People love to talk about themselves and their thoughts. The more questions you ask, the more you control the narrative. Tell a joke. Have a couple of corny “dad” jokes ready. When things get awkward, save the day with humor. Groans are better than heated stares. Suggest playing a game or watching a movie. 

Take a break. Scope out a place to decompress before you need it. Politely excuse yourself. Spend a few minutes scrolling through social media, watching funny cat videos, or listening to your favorite music. Take some deep breaths. 

Limit your time. It’s better to stay for an hour or two and leave on a good note. 

Strategies for What to Say to Avoid Political Conversation

• When you want to change the subject. “Can I interrupt? We need to talk about XYZ.” This approach changes the topic and gives you a way out. 

• When you want to disagree. “My opinion is different, but you make an interesting point.” This is a respectful way to disagree that also lets others feel heard. 

• When you need a break. “This isn’t something I want to talk about right now. Can we talk about X?” Most people will at least think about not pushing back once you’ve clearly stated you want to talk about something else. 

• When you feel uncomfortable. “For personal reasons, I’d rather not discuss this. Mind if we ditch this topic?” By being direct and honest, you can state your feelings without it being awkward.”

• When you’re stressed and need to shut a conversation down. “I respectfully disagree and think it would be best if we didn’t talk about it anymore.” This gives calm and respectful feedback while making your views clear.

• When someone gets emotional. “I see you feel strongly about this. I’m starting to feel a bit uncomfortable. Can we talk about something else?” When you say what’s happening for you personally, you can move forward in a way that’s respectful to both of you.

8 Strategies to Handle Conflict When It Arises

• Stay calm and civil. Getting angry, calling names, villainizing people, yelling, or arguing only escalates conflict. When you calmly respond to someone, they’re more likely to hear your viewpoint. 

• Agree to disagree. People see the same event from different viewpoints. Sometimes, it’s enough to acknowledge that it’s okay not to agree. 

• Separate people from their opinions. You can still care about and respect someone if their beliefs and choices differ from yours. 

• Acknowledge and validate both of your fears, anxieties, and anger, and focus on the relationship rather than the conflict.   

• Listen actively. Active listening communicates someone’s worth and helps you understand the thoughts, feelings, and emotions behind what they’re saying. Try to hear the assumptions, cultural values, and beliefs behind their message so you can “walk a few blocks in their shoes.” 

• Know your message. If possible, consider your own emotions and thoughts before a conflict occurs. Decide how you can best communicate your needs, interests, values, and principles ahead of time so you’re prepared to respond in a calm, respectful manner. 

• Use defusing speech and body language. 

• Choose “I” instead of “you” statements. Focus on the actual conflict instead of how you’re reacting to it. (“I feel frustrated when you tell me what my opinion should be.”)

• Avoid triggers. Stay away from exaggerated words (always or never), emotionally charged words, and aggressive nonverbal language (crossing your arms, rolling your eyes, pointing a finger, getting into someone’s personal space).

Keep in Mind

If you’re the one who wants to talk politics, be sensitive, and respectful. Try saying, “I’d like to hear your thoughts on X. Is that something you’d be interested in discussing with me?” Asking for permission gives others the opportunity to participate or to opt out of a discussion.

You can’t control others, but you can control yourself. Remember to be the person you wish everyone else was. Show grace and compassion. Treat others the way you want to be treated. And if the tension becomes too much, it’s okay to walk away.

Communication Skills

Communication happens all around us, and it’s more than mere words.  Communication comprises the messages and signals we send to others as well as the ones we receive.  Our verbal words are only a small percentage of the message that’s communicated.  Our nonverbal signals, such as tone, eye contact, and body language, make up the rest. 

Every day is an opportunity to grow in our verbal and nonverbal skills.  When we interact with our families, friends, coworkers, and even strangers, we encounter values and opinions different from our own.  How we react and respond to these differences can sharpen our communication skills.

Communication Tips

Just like exercising improves our overall physical health, good communication is a muscle that needs stretching.  The more you practice, the better you will become.  Even in conflict, there’s an opportunity to grow as a communicator.  The following guidelines will help you improve your verbal, nonverbal, and listening skills:

 

Verbal Communication

• Stay current- Sometimes it can be tempting to bring up past wrongs or grievances in a conversation. This tends to make the listener feel defensive and shut down.  Stay in the present and only discuss the current issue.  It can be helpful to write down your main points to keep yourself on task.    
• Use “I” statements- Statements that start with “I” instead of “you” will keep the other person from feeling attacked. For example, “I felt upset when you didn’t return my call.”  This keeps the focus on you and your feelings about the present situation.
• Avoid trigger words- Words such as “always” and “never” are not helpful in conversation. For example, “You never come home on time,” is much different than, “I feel angry when you don’t arrive home on time.”  Trigger words have an accusatory tone, igniting unwanted emotions in the conversation.

Nonverbal Communication

• Make eye contact- People know you’re interested when you make good eye contact, as it communicates value. They will also be more likely to hear what you are saying.  Be mindful though, as some cultures have different norms when it comes to eye contact. 
• Be consistent- Keep your nonverbal signals consistent. Your words, facial expressions, tone of voice, and gestures should all be sending the same message.  Saying the words, “I love you,” while rolling your eyes and slouching is inconsistent.  Mixed signals create conflict. 

Listening Skills

• Practice good listening- Avoid interrupting the other speaker or simply biding your time until it’s your turn to speak. Instead, consider what values you might have in common and which ones are different.  Finding similarities or shared interests increases sensitivity.     
• Be empathetic- Put yourself in the other’s shoes by practicing active listening. This style of listening, also known as empathic listening, seeks to understand the thoughts and feelings behind the words.  When we’re empathic, we respect the other’s feelings and display patience and honesty.

Help for Difficult Conversations

No one is exempt from conflict, and all relationships will experience disagreement.  Improving your communication skills will help you navigate through a potentially challenging conversation.   

• Avoid being passive-aggressive- Never use a third person as a messenger when a face-to-face conversation is needed. Also, avoid writing out a message that should take place in person.  Trying to ignore the issue or the person will only cause emotions to flare and delay a possible solution.  Masking your thoughts in sarcasm or insults is not communicating your message with honesty and authenticity.
• Practice self-awareness- Consider why you feel the way you do. If you aren’t aware of your own emotions and opinions, you won’t be able to communicate them with confidence and clarity.  And if you’ve had a stressful day, don’t direct those emotions towards the person with whom you are communicating.   
• Grow from criticism- It’s easy to become defensive when someone critiques or attacks us verbally. However, lashing out in return won’t solve anything.  Instead, listen to what they are saying, and consider their feelings.  What is your responsibility regarding the information they shared?  It’s possible to grow from someone’s insights even if presented in an unfair way.  Weigh the information, and then decide if you should accept or ignore it. 
• Take a break- Every problem may not be resolved in one conversation. It’s easy for our emotions to take over when we communicate, but it’s important to stay calm and use our best thinking when we talk.  Taking a quick “time out” or a few minutes to cool down can help us respond neutrally rather than react aggressively.
• Ask for help- Some conversations can become heated quickly. Having a mediator or therapist can help each person feel heard, and the presence of this third party can also keep emotions from escalating.     

Conflict and disagreement are inevitable in life, but communication is possible no matter what the circumstance.  Every day provides new situations to practice our communication skills, so take opportunities when you see them to grow as an individual.

 

Want to talk to a counselor today about this? 

Call Amplified Life at 800-453-7733 and ask for your “Free 15 Minute Phone Consultation" with one of our licensed counselors. We’ll listen, answer questions you may have, and help you plan next steps.

 

http://www.forbes.com/sites/mikemyatt/2012/04/04/10-communication-secrets-of-great-leaders/

http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-living/stress-management/in-depth/assertive/art-20044644?pg=2

 

Improving Family Relations

Every family is its own unique combination of people and personalities.  Even though they come in all shapes and sizes, healthy families have some commonalities.  A healthy family is comprised of people who love each other and are able to respect each other’s similarities and differences.  Healthy families also know how to compromise, and they are fiercely resilient; they bounce back after crisis and periods of prolonged stress.

Negative Coping Strategies

Obviously, not all families have healthy relationships.  Some members incorporate negative strategies for coping with stress.  Some examples are distancing, overdoing/underdoing, focusing on a child, or jumping into conflict.  These negative ways of managing stress harm the family dynamic:

 

Distancing- This unhealthy strategy occurs when family members avoid conversations together because they are concerned about potential conflict.  They stop sharing their thoughts and feelings and fail to spend real time together.

 

Overdoing/underdoing- With this negative coping method, one or more family members begin to assume the responsibilities of others.  When this happens, the remaining members decrease their efforts.  Family members can easily become stuck in this imbalance of responsibility.

 

Focusing on a child- To avoid conflict, some families will simply focus on a child instead.  When severe stress or fighting begins, children are usually the most vulnerable in the household.  Therefore, parents will focus their attention solely on that child to calm things down.  Their intentions might be good, but often the child reacts to this intense pressure and increased attention.  These children will typically begin to act out or develop physical or emotional symptoms.

 

Conflict- A final negative coping mechanism is conflict itself.  Some families will start an all-out war when they’re stressed, engaging in yelling and emotional abuse.  The smallest disagreement could set someone off, creating a hostile environment. 

 

Tips to Improve Family Relations

There are many positive ways to manage stress and handle conflict.  The following strategies for communication skills, relational values, and personal and family responsibilities provide simple solutions for improving family dynamics:

 

Communication Skills

• Communicate openly- Unlike the negative strategy of distancing, family members feel comfortable asking for help if needed. They’re able to speak up when they disagree.  If they see a different solution to a problem, they voice it.  Because conflict is unavoidable in a family, open communication is essential.
• Think before you speak- Responsible family members think first and then speak. Too often we automatically react to a situation based purely on emotion.  If we are able to create some space and consider the other’s perspective and thoughts, we can focus on responding instead of reacting.  Problem solving and compromise are much easier when they come from a non-reactive place. 

Relational Values

• Explore values- Family members won’t agree on everything. There will be preferences for different hobbies, tastes, or even political or religious views. However, there are common values that family members may choose to share and uphold.  For example, a shared value might be showing mutual respect for all family members.  Another might be to demonstrate appreciation for one another with acts of kindness.  Shared values become the mortar for a strong family foundation.
• Develop one-to-one relationships- In a healthy family unit, every individual has a solid relationship with every other person. No one teams up, complains, or gossips in a family member’s absence.

Personal and Family Responsibilities

• Take personal responsibility- Schedules today are often very full. Families can easily fall out of sync and become unclear about who is doing what.  Certain family members may take on more than what is required of them.  Others might be all too willing to allow that to occur, so they can have fewer responsibilities.  Conflict arises when one assumes another will handle a situation, and they don’t.  In a healthy family, individuals own their personal responsibilities and accept any consequences for failing to do so.  Family members encourage one another and hold each other accountable.
• Ask for help- Stress happens to every family. A strong, healthy family focuses on the positive in challenging times. Family members are able to pull together, share responsibilities, and problem solve.  If the family needs additional help, strong families don’t hesitate to ask for it.  Friends, neighbors, religious communities, or helping professionals all serve as excellent resources for families. 

The success of a healthy family largely comes down to being together.  When you make time for one another, you communicate that you care with more than just your words.  Make time to have fun and celebrate each other’s victories.  Listen to one another’s stories, thoughts, and feelings.  Make memories and laugh together.  When working toward the common goal of a healthy family, everyone has a shared interest in success. 

 

Want to talk to a counselor today about this? 

Call Amplified Life at 800-453-7733 and ask for your “Free 15 Minute Phone Consultation" with one of our licensed counselors. We’ll listen, answer questions you may have, and help you plan next steps.

 

Sources:

http://www.advocatesforyouth.org/publications/1229-strengthening-family-relationships

http://www.childwelfare.gov