caregiver

“AMA policy adopted last year identifies loneliness as a public health issue that affects people of all ages.” ~ American Medical Association

February is the month of love and connection. But what if you don’t feel connected? In a January 2020 (pre-lockdown) survey of 10,000 adults, 61% said they were lonely. And loneliness is more than just a mental health issue. It’s been linked to increased heart problems, stroke, and other medical issues. 

According to psychiatrist Dr. Tiffani Bell Washington, MD, MPH, “Loneliness is essentially the feeling of being uncomfortable or in distress when someone feels that there is a gap between the connection they would like and the connection they actually have... You can be in a crowd full of people, you can know all of them, and you can still feel lonely.” 

She added that superficial social connections, no matter how many, don’t really decrease loneliness. “What you really want is something deeper—someone to know you on the inside,” she said. “It's really based on perception of the difference between the relationship you'd like and the relationship that you have with others.”

Types of Loneliness

Loneliness and social isolation are two sides to the same coin. As stated above, a person can be lonely in a crowd. But many people are also at risk for social isolation. These include marginalized populations, older people, and those in remote areas. Either way, the lack of connection to others is detrimental because humans are hard-wired for connection. 

How to Combat Loneliness

When it comes to “fixing” the problem of loneliness, there are two major things to consider: connection with others and connection with ourselves (being content while alone). 

Connecting with others doesn’t have to mean going to crowded places or attending parties every week. Since we long for others who really “get” us, it’s helpful to find those who share our interests, values, and backgrounds. Writers, for example, tend to work in isolation. As a profession, they are often considered introverts. But attending writer’s conferences and joining writer’s groups—either locally or online, offers connection for people who share similar interests and who often view life in comparable ways.

Ways to Connect with Others

• Consider your interests and hobbies, and find groups who share those. If you live in a remote area, find an online group that meets online. 

• Join a community or volunteer organization. Look for someone else who looks lonely and befriend them. 

• Take your lunch to a park or other place and people watch. Even if you don’t talk to anyone, just being around other humans can help you feel less lonely. 

• Find creative ways to connect. If you live far from family and friends, set up online appointments to meet for coffee, dinner, online games, or even watch a movie or sporting event. You can use these to join birthday parties and holiday gatherings too.

• Make a large group smaller. If you’re already in a large group that makes you feel lonely, invite a few people you have something in common with and start a group within a group. This can be a study group, a book club, a dinner club, or anything else that brings a deeper connection.   

Ways to Connect with Yourself (Hint: Self-Care!)

• Learn to relish your alone time. Schedule appointments with yourself to do things you really want to do, that you need to do alone, anyway. Get a massage or a facial. Take a bubble bath. Turn on some of your favorite music, light a candle, read a novel. 

• Reorganize or redecorate a room in your home. 

• Start a new hobby. YouTube is an excellent resource for learning to paint, play guitar, garden, or just about anything else you might be interested in. 

• Go outside. Talk a walk or a jog in a park or around your neighborhood, or simply enjoy a cup of tea while you listen to birdsong. 

• Talk to yourself. Tell yourself the things you’d say to your best friend, if they were feeling disconnected. Remind yourself that you’re amazing, interesting, intelligent, and fun. Do this every day—out loud or in your head. 

Several studies link loneliness with depression, immune suppression, and other health problems. If you’re feeling lonely, it’s important to combat the issue in any way you can. Sometimes you can do all the right things and the loneliness persists. Don’t hesitate to reach out to a therapist who can help you explore ways to bridge the gap between the connections you want and the connections you have. You are worth the effort.

 

“AMA policy adopted last year identifies loneliness as a public health issue that affects people of all ages.” ~ American Medical Association

February is the month of love and connection. But what if you don’t feel connected? In a January 2020 (pre-lockdown) survey of 10,000 adults, 61% said they were lonely. And loneliness is more than just a mental health issue. It’s been linked to increased heart problems, stroke, and other medical issues. 

According to psychiatrist Dr. Tiffani Bell Washington, MD, MPH, “Loneliness is essentially the feeling of being uncomfortable or in distress when someone feels that there is a gap between the connection they would like and the connection they actually have... You can be in a crowd full of people, you can know all of them, and you can still feel lonely.” 

She added that superficial social connections, no matter how many, don’t really decrease loneliness. “What you really want is something deeper—someone to know you on the inside,” she said. “It's really based on perception of the difference between the relationship you'd like and the relationship that you have with others.”

Types of Loneliness

Loneliness and social isolation are two sides to the same coin. As stated above, a person can be lonely in a crowd. But many people are also at risk for social isolation. These include marginalized populations, older people, and those in remote areas. Either way, the lack of connection to others is detrimental because humans are hard-wired for connection. 

How to Combat Loneliness

When it comes to “fixing” the problem of loneliness, there are two major things to consider: connection with others and connection with ourselves (being content while alone). 

Connecting with others doesn’t have to mean going to crowded places or attending parties every week. Since we long for others who really “get” us, it’s helpful to find those who share our interests, values, and backgrounds. Writers, for example, tend to work in isolation. As a profession, they are often considered introverts. But attending writer’s conferences and joining writer’s groups—either locally or online, offers connection for people who share similar interests and who often view life in comparable ways.

Ways to Connect with Others

• Consider your interests and hobbies, and find groups who share those. If you live in a remote area, find an online group that meets online. 

• Join a community or volunteer organization. Look for someone else who looks lonely and befriend them. 

• Take your lunch to a park or other place and people watch. Even if you don’t talk to anyone, just being around other humans can help you feel less lonely. 

• Find creative ways to connect. If you live far from family and friends, set up online appointments to meet for coffee, dinner, online games, or even watch a movie or sporting event. You can use these to join birthday parties and holiday gatherings too.

• Make a large group smaller. If you’re already in a large group that makes you feel lonely, invite a few people you have something in common with and start a group within a group. This can be a study group, a book club, a dinner club, or anything else that brings a deeper connection.   

Ways to Connect with Yourself (Hint: Self-Care!)

• Learn to relish your alone time. Schedule appointments with yourself to do things you really want to do, that you need to do alone, anyway. Get a massage or a facial. Take a bubble bath. Turn on some of your favorite music, light a candle, read a novel. 

• Reorganize or redecorate a room in your home. 

• Start a new hobby. YouTube is an excellent resource for learning to paint, play guitar, garden, or just about anything else you might be interested in. 

• Go outside. Talk a walk or a jog in a park or around your neighborhood, or simply enjoy a cup of tea while you listen to birdsong. 

• Talk to yourself. Tell yourself the things you’d say to your best friend, if they were feeling disconnected. Remind yourself that you’re amazing, interesting, intelligent, and fun. Do this every day—out loud or in your head. 

Several studies link loneliness with depression, immune suppression, and other health problems. If you’re feeling lonely, it’s important to combat the issue in any way you can. Sometimes you can do all the right things and the loneliness persists. Don’t hesitate to reach out to a therapist who can help you explore ways to bridge the gap between the connections you want and the connections you have. You are worth the effort.

 

According to popular music, Hallmark movies, and holiday greeting cards, this time of year is filled with peace, joy, and good tidings. But for many who have lost a loved one, that picture isn’t entirely accurate. Instead of joy, we feel sadness. Instead of peace, we feel anxiety. If you or someone you know is coping with loss this season, it’s important to remember that healing is a process. With significant loss, grief may always be present. However, it does dull with time as we learn to do life in new ways without that person.

If you’ve recently (or perhaps not so recently) experienced a significant loss, consider the following as you navigate the holidays: 

• Set boundaries. It's okay to not want to be around happy, festive people. Watching others carry on with their lives can be especially hard. If needed, feel free to turn down invitations. Thank people for their offers but tell them you’d rather celebrate alone this year. 
• Decorate as much or as little as you want. If putting up the tree makes you feel close to your loved one, do it. If stringing lights makes your grief more intense, don’t. You have a right to deal with the holidays in ways that feel right to you. 
• Make a plan. If you celebrate with others, drive yourself so you can leave when you’re ready, or ask a trusted friend or family member to drive you with that plan in mind. 
• Cry. Or laugh at old times. Whatever you do, let yourself feel what you feel and be okay with it. Don’t be afraid of the intense emotions that surface during this time. They’re part of the healing process. 
• Honor your loved one. Carry on their favorite holiday tradition or donate to a charity in their name. Do something to show yourself—and the world—that this person you loved is not forgotten. 
• Change it up. If doing the same things you did with your loved one makes you sad, it’s okay to come up with new traditions. Take a trip or make a new dish you’ve wanted to try. If there’s something you always wanted to do but your loved one wasn’t on board, consider doing it now.
• Volunteer. One of the quickest ways to get past our own pain is to reach out to others who are hurting. Bake a cake for a sick friend. Put in some time at a local food bank. It will get your mind off your grief, make you feel better, and bless others in the process.  
• Write a letter to your loved one. Let them know how you feel and how you’re managing without them. Just writing it down will help with the grief process. 
• Consider the young ones. Many holiday traditions are centered around children. Think about how they may feel if you don’t participate. Keep yourself in their lives, even if just for a few of the celebrations and traditions. 
• Reach out. Don’t be afraid to ask friends and family for help dealing with your grief. Most people want to be there for you, but they don’t know how. Tell them, and it may help with their own grieving process. 

If someone you know has lost a loved one, it can be difficult to know what to say or do. Below are some things to keep in mind as you show your support:  

• Offer, but don’t insist. Ask the person to join you at holiday gatherings but be understanding if the answer is no. Give an open invitation, and don’t be surprised if they change their mind at the last minute. They may initially accept and then back out. Or they may say no, only to decide later they want to take part.
• Listen without judgment. Everyone grieves differently. Be supportive, but don’t offer advice or platitudes. Don’t say, “At least he’s not in pain anymore,” or any variation of that. When someone is grieving, they just want their person back. Let them feel their grief. 
• Send a special card. For your grieving friend, you might forgo the traditional smiling family photo card and send a more subdued and sensitive message instead. 
• Commit. After the funeral is over and the casserole dishes are returned, many friends disappear. But the months after a death can be long and lonely. Check on your friend often, over a long period of time. 
• Donate in honor of the lost person, and let your friend know you’ve done so.

Remember that grief doesn’t just happen that first holiday season after a person is gone. Sometimes, holidays are a little sad for many years to come. However, the load does lighten with time. Though you will always long for that person in your holiday celebrations, you will eventually learn to laugh, love, and enjoy life without them. Hang in there. It really does get better. And, if needed, you can always reach out to a therapist for help.

“There are certain words you and your dying loved one should exchange while you can.” ~ Dr. Ira Byock, author of Dying Well.

Mary never tells her dad she loves him. Rick has said some things to his wife he wished he hadn’t. June and her sister have never gotten along. Nina’s carrying around guilt over something that happened between her and her best friend. Mary, Rick, June, and Nina all have one thing in common. They’re going to lose a person they love. And they’re not ready.      

While no one would choose a terminal diagnosis for someone they love, a drawn-out death offers what a sudden death cannot—time to say goodbye. There’s no doubt these conversations may be some of the hardest you’ll ever have. But deciding to have them anyway can bring peace and closure to you and the dying person and leave you both without regrets.  

What to Expect Near the End 

As you start thinking about losing someone you love, knowing what to expect can take away some fear of the unknown. It can also give you a rough idea of how much time you have left to say goodbye. 

When someone moves into what doctors call “actively dying” and has no medical intervention, they go through 3 stages of death. The process can last as little as 24 hours or longer than 14 days. 

The stages can look like this: 

Early stage: 

• can no longer get out of bed
• doesn’t want to or can’t eat and drink
• sleeps a lot
• has delirium (confusion, hallucinations, restlessness, short attention span)

Middle stage: 

• sleeps most of the time
• harder to wake up 
• can’t swallow
• has a “death rattle” sound when breathing  

Late stage: 

• can fall into a coma 
• may run a fever 
• has irregular breathing; sometimes stops breathing 
• arms and legs can look mottled or blotchy  

 

Why You Need to Say Goodbye to Your Loved One

When someone dies unexpectedly, you may struggle with regrets over what you said or didn’t say and what you did or didn’t do. With a terminal diagnosis, that doesn’t have to happen. You have an opportunity to end things between you and the dying person the way you’d both like. 

Here are some things you might want to do:   

• talk through unresolved issues or conflicts 
• make amends for something you might’ve done 
• let go of resentments you’re holding against them
• work to heal any old wounds either of you is hanging onto 
• bring up good memories you share
• share your appreciation for who they were to you and the impact they had on your life

 

Dr. Ira Byock wrote a book called Dying Well. As a hospice advocate, he believes there are certain words you and your dying loved one should exchange while you can.  

These are some things you might want to say: 

• I love you
• I forgive you
• Forgive me
• Thank you
• Goodbye

Why Your Loved One Needs to Hear You Say Goodbye to Them

Sometimes, a dying person will cling to life when they believe the people who love them aren’t ready for them to go. They may also be afraid or struggle with what they’re leaving behind or what they’re about to face. Reassuring them can bring the relief and release they need. It can also bring you both comfort. 

Here are some things a dying person might need to hear:

• It’s okay to go when you’re ready.
• Don’t be afraid.
• I’ll be all right without you.
• I’ll take care of the things you’re worried about leaving behind.

The chance to say goodbye is a gift. Moving forward with no regrets after your loved one’s death is also a gift. You’ll never be sorry for using the time you have left with them to work things out, say what needs to be said, or tell them how much they mean to you.

Caregivers: How to Reach Out for Help

Caregivers are those who help to take care of the needs of another. This can be taking care of children, the elderly, or someone with a chronic illness or disability. A caregiver may be someone who is taking care of their parent, sibling, grandparent, relative, or friend, or a professional who is hired to care for someone.

Regardless of whether the nature of the relationship is professional or personal, caregivers provide assistance in a wide range of tasks and activities, such as:

• Managing medical needs, transporting to medical appointments, asking questions, and ensuring compliance with medical recommendations and prescriptions
• Cooking, feeding, grocery shopping
• Cleaning the home and taking care of other housework, such as laundry
• Bathing and getting dressed
• Ensuring medication is taken on time, putting in pharmacy requests, picking up as needed

There are many benefits to helping in this way. Research has found that caregivers generally experience a sense of fulfillment and satisfaction in being useful. There are however times that caregivers themselves need help. In addition to the emotional benefits of caring for others, caregivers are found to be at an increased risk for stress, anxiety, depression, and even lowered immune function.

 

 The Risks of Being a Caregiver

 

As caregivers are at risk of developing emotional, psychological, and physical conditions, it is important that action is taken to ensure one’s wellbeing while providing for the needs of others. Though it may be difficult to pay attention to one’s own needs while caring for the needs of others, it is important that caregivers recognize when they are in need of help.

 

Some common signs in caregivers who are stressed or may be in need of help include:

• Feeling overwhelmed
• Feeling sad, hopeless, or experiencing a lack of interest in activities that were once enjoyed
• Increased irritability or feeling angry
• Not being able to make time for one’s own medical appointments or other self-care needs
• Changes in eating and sleeping habits or patterns

When noticing the above-mentioned feelings or behaviors, it is important that caregivers take action to maintain their mental and physical wellness, and that they ask for help.

 

 

Asking for Help

 

Whether you are a professional caregiver, or you are taking care of family or friends, it is important to know that you don’t have to do it all by yourself. Below are some options to explore as you recognize the need for more help.

• Are there other professional services that can be hired for help?
• Are there any volunteers or organizations that can offer help? There may be federal, state, or local resources that can help, for instance the Administration for Community Living
• Are there other family members, friends, neighbors, or even colleagues who can help?
• Have I made an appointment with my own doctor or counselor to discuss the feelings that I am experiencing?
• Are there online or in-person support groups that I can join?
• Is there a spiritual or faith-based organization that I can reach out to for support or guidance?

While some of the options listed here may be able to provide help with the physical and timely needs that may ease the level of responsibility that is on the caregiver, other options may help with the emotional and psychological needs of the caregiver. The mental, physical, and emotional wellbeing of the caregiver are all equally important and it is important to balance these needs in order to continue being able to care for others. Help is available if the stress of caregiving is impacting the overall wellness of the caregiver.

 

Want to talk to a counselor today about this? 

Call us at 800-453-7733 and ask for your “Free 15 Minute Phone Consultation" with one of our licensed counselors. We’ll listen, answer questions you may have, and help you plan next steps.

 

Sources:

https://www.cdc.gov/aging/caregiving/index.htm

https://health.gov/myhealthfinder/topics/everyday-healthy-living/mental-health-and-relationships/get-support-if-you

https://acl.gov/programs/support-caregivers/national-family-caregiver-support-program

 

Financial Assistance for Caregivers

Changing physical, emotional, or mental circumstances happen in every family. You may find a loved one in need of additional help with housecleaning, meals, laundry, and personal care. Family caregivers can typically ease the burden for a loved one, enabling them to stay in their current home. While providing care minimizes a loved one’s challenges, caregivers often face their own struggles. Physical and emotional stressors, juggling work and caregiving responsibilities, and limited time for themselves and others are common issues. Additionally, financial hurdles and hardships affect many caregivers too.

Financial Assistance Options

There’s no one-size-fits-all when it comes to caregiver financial assistance. Researching the various programs available might seem daunting. Local Area Agencies on Aging or www.benefitscheckup.org are helpful starting points. Typically, financial assistance programs vary by state and may have restrictions. However, there are several programs that may be available, including: state, veterans, long-term care insurance, and caregiver contracts.

• State Programs- Assistance programs vary by state and might be called any of the following program names: consumer-directed, participant-directed, or cash and counseling. These plans help pay for a caregiver of choice. It’s important to note there are income and eligibility requirements for the caregiver of choice, with some states being stricter than others. To find out if your state has a caregiver financial assistance program, contact your local Medicaid office or Aging Services Department. You can also find the National Resource Center for Participant-Directed Services at caregiver.org.
• Veterans Programs- Caregivers of veterans may qualify for additional assistance. A law passed in 2010 provides a stipend for primary caregivers of any injured veteran in military conflict since 9/11. Benefits may include travel expenses, health care insurance, and mental health services. Caregivers of injured veterans prior to 9/11 may still qualify for assistance through a program called the VA’s Aid and Attendance Pension Benefit. Contact 1-877-222-VETS for more information.
• Long-Term Care Insurance- If you are providing care for a family member who has long-term care insurance, there’s a possibility it may cover home care. Some policies allow family members to be paid provided they do not live in the same household. Contact your family member’s insurance agent to explain the policy and its benefits and conditions.
• Caregiver Contract- In some situations, a family member might have the means to pay a relative for the care they provide. In this scenario, write up a contract with the help of an Elder Care lawyer. An experienced legal professional will ensure important areas are covered, such as taxes, inheritance, and potential family dynamics.

Points to Ponder

While it’s important to research your financial assistance options, there are additional considerations too. Tax benefits, program requirements, and how money is spent are key questions.

• Tax Benefits- Contact your tax professional to inquire about any tax deductions or benefits for which you qualify.
• Program Requirements- Some states require certain qualifications to provide care for a family member. Registering as a licensed care provider, background checks, and possible payroll taxes are all examples of state program requirements. Low-cost training may be available to become certified as a licensed elderly care provider.
• Allowances for Allocated Money- Typically “cash and counseling” program monies may be used to purchase items directly related to the patients activities of daily living, or ADLs. Qualifying activities include anything related to the patient’s: feeding, clothing, toileting, grooming, bathing, walking, and maintaining continence. Skills people need to live independently comprise the ADLs list. For example, cleaning services, meal preparation, or laundry services could easily qualify as a patient’s ADLs needs. If necessary, speak with a healthcare provider when adjustments need made to your patient or loved one’s ADLs.

Planning Ahead

When acting as a caregiver, it’s important to practice good self-care. Constantly seeing to the needs of others can leave you depleted and hardly thinking of yourself. It’s important to consider your own future as well, both medical and financial.

• Financial- Be sure to contribute to your own retirement and savings accounts. Speak with a professional financial planner regarding investment banking and to discuss options for your own financial long-term medical care.
• Insurance- Insurance helps to provide peace of mind. Whether homeowners, life, long-term care, or caregiver insurance, having the right insurance for your needs is key. Should an accident occur in your home while caring for a family member, you will want your policy to cover it. An insurance agent will be able to help you select the right coverage for your specific situation. In addition, consider long-term care coverage for yourself and loved ones. The best time to acquire this coverage is in your 50s.
• Respite Care- Caregiving can be a time-consuming, emotionally-wearying experience. Be sure to factor in financial options for respite care. For example, this might be monies allocated for an occasional professional caregiving service to a weekend away for respite care.

The benefits of caregiving are immeasurable, both in shared memories and relationship. However, the financial costs are real. Knowing the caregiving options for financial aid can help you and your loved one make informed decisions in the days ahead. Focus more on what matters most by minimizing the monetary strain.

Want to talk to a counselor today about this? 

Call us at 800-453-7733 and ask for your “Free 15 Minute Phone Consultation" with one of our licensed counselors. We’ll listen, answer questions you may have, and help you plan next steps.

 

Sources:

http://www.aarp.org/home-family/caregiving/info-06-2012/can-i-get-paid-for-taking-care-of-my-mother.html

http://www.caregivingcafe.com/information/benefits/

https://www.agingcare.com/caregiver-financial-support

Medicare.gov

https://www.caring.com/articles/activities-of-daily-living-what-are-adls-and-iadls