loss

“AMA policy adopted last year identifies loneliness as a public health issue that affects people of all ages.” ~ American Medical Association

February is the month of love and connection. But what if you don’t feel connected? In a January 2020 (pre-lockdown) survey of 10,000 adults, 61% said they were lonely. And loneliness is more than just a mental health issue. It’s been linked to increased heart problems, stroke, and other medical issues. 

According to psychiatrist Dr. Tiffani Bell Washington, MD, MPH, “Loneliness is essentially the feeling of being uncomfortable or in distress when someone feels that there is a gap between the connection they would like and the connection they actually have... You can be in a crowd full of people, you can know all of them, and you can still feel lonely.” 

She added that superficial social connections, no matter how many, don’t really decrease loneliness. “What you really want is something deeper—someone to know you on the inside,” she said. “It's really based on perception of the difference between the relationship you'd like and the relationship that you have with others.”

Types of Loneliness

Loneliness and social isolation are two sides to the same coin. As stated above, a person can be lonely in a crowd. But many people are also at risk for social isolation. These include marginalized populations, older people, and those in remote areas. Either way, the lack of connection to others is detrimental because humans are hard-wired for connection. 

How to Combat Loneliness

When it comes to “fixing” the problem of loneliness, there are two major things to consider: connection with others and connection with ourselves (being content while alone). 

Connecting with others doesn’t have to mean going to crowded places or attending parties every week. Since we long for others who really “get” us, it’s helpful to find those who share our interests, values, and backgrounds. Writers, for example, tend to work in isolation. As a profession, they are often considered introverts. But attending writer’s conferences and joining writer’s groups—either locally or online, offers connection for people who share similar interests and who often view life in comparable ways.

Ways to Connect with Others

• Consider your interests and hobbies, and find groups who share those. If you live in a remote area, find an online group that meets online. 

• Join a community or volunteer organization. Look for someone else who looks lonely and befriend them. 

• Take your lunch to a park or other place and people watch. Even if you don’t talk to anyone, just being around other humans can help you feel less lonely. 

• Find creative ways to connect. If you live far from family and friends, set up online appointments to meet for coffee, dinner, online games, or even watch a movie or sporting event. You can use these to join birthday parties and holiday gatherings too.

• Make a large group smaller. If you’re already in a large group that makes you feel lonely, invite a few people you have something in common with and start a group within a group. This can be a study group, a book club, a dinner club, or anything else that brings a deeper connection.   

Ways to Connect with Yourself (Hint: Self-Care!)

• Learn to relish your alone time. Schedule appointments with yourself to do things you really want to do, that you need to do alone, anyway. Get a massage or a facial. Take a bubble bath. Turn on some of your favorite music, light a candle, read a novel. 

• Reorganize or redecorate a room in your home. 

• Start a new hobby. YouTube is an excellent resource for learning to paint, play guitar, garden, or just about anything else you might be interested in. 

• Go outside. Talk a walk or a jog in a park or around your neighborhood, or simply enjoy a cup of tea while you listen to birdsong. 

• Talk to yourself. Tell yourself the things you’d say to your best friend, if they were feeling disconnected. Remind yourself that you’re amazing, interesting, intelligent, and fun. Do this every day—out loud or in your head. 

Several studies link loneliness with depression, immune suppression, and other health problems. If you’re feeling lonely, it’s important to combat the issue in any way you can. Sometimes you can do all the right things and the loneliness persists. Don’t hesitate to reach out to a therapist who can help you explore ways to bridge the gap between the connections you want and the connections you have. You are worth the effort.

 

The chance of experiencing loss in your lifetime is 100 percent. Everyone encounters significant loss at some point, and grief is the emotional reaction to that loss. Whether you face the death of a beloved family member or pet, see a marriage or job crumble, or watch your health or finances diminish, some level of grieving will occur.

Grief is both universal and unique in its nature. Two people experiencing the same loss might react   very   differently   depending   on   their relationship to whom or what is being grieved.

It’s not uncommon to experience sleeplessness, weight  loss  or  gain,  or  a  weakened  immune system. Chronic illnesses may become worse due to the stress of grieving.  Emotional responses may range from anger, sadness, guilt, fear, or anxiety to moments of relief, peace, or even happiness.

THE FIVE STAGES OF GRIEF

While  there  is  no  normal  or  expected  grief response, there are five common stages, observed by  psychiatrist  Elisabeth  Kübler-Ross,  through which many people walk. These stages include:

 

1. Denial - Disbelieving the current reality as a way of coping with overwhelming facts.
2. Anger - Initial emotional reaction to awareness of loss.
3. Bargaining - Adjusting to loss through use of negotiation, compromise, or resolutions.
4. Depression   -   Overwhelming   feelings   of helplessness and hopelessness.
5. Acceptance - Coming to terms with the loss; sadness begins to give way to hope.

COMMON MYTHS ABOUT GRIEF

No two individuals will follow the same grief path or timetable. Grieving is an intensely personal experience, and no one should determine what is grief-worthy for another. There is no “normal” or standard protocol that fits everyone. Here are some other common misconceptions:

 

• If you just ignore the loss, the pain will go away.
• It’s important for you to stay strong at all times.
• Tears are directly proportionate to the level of your loss.
• After one year, you should be completely over all aspects of your loss. 

 

ACTION STEPS

There are many useful ways to move from a place of grief to a life of healing and hope.

✓  Talking  about  the  loss  with  family  and friends can aid healing.

✓  Emotional  reactions  of  all  sorts  (anger, sadness, bitterness, envy) are normal.

✓  Give yourself permission to experience a wide range of emotions and not feel guilty.

✓  Take care of yourself with good nutrition, exercise and rest.

✓  Avoid relying on caffeine, alcohol or other drugs as a means of self-medicating.

KEEP IN MIND

Coping with  grief and  loss  takes  time  and involves learning to live with the loss without being consumed by it.  Consider reaching out to your health  care  provider and  engaging other counseling resources for guidance on next steps.

What steps will you take today to help yourself heal and recover?

Want to talk to a counselor today about this? 

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