Grief

“AMA policy adopted last year identifies loneliness as a public health issue that affects people of all ages.” ~ American Medical Association

February is the month of love and connection. But what if you don’t feel connected? In a January 2020 (pre-lockdown) survey of 10,000 adults, 61% said they were lonely. And loneliness is more than just a mental health issue. It’s been linked to increased heart problems, stroke, and other medical issues. 

According to psychiatrist Dr. Tiffani Bell Washington, MD, MPH, “Loneliness is essentially the feeling of being uncomfortable or in distress when someone feels that there is a gap between the connection they would like and the connection they actually have... You can be in a crowd full of people, you can know all of them, and you can still feel lonely.” 

She added that superficial social connections, no matter how many, don’t really decrease loneliness. “What you really want is something deeper—someone to know you on the inside,” she said. “It's really based on perception of the difference between the relationship you'd like and the relationship that you have with others.”

Types of Loneliness

Loneliness and social isolation are two sides to the same coin. As stated above, a person can be lonely in a crowd. But many people are also at risk for social isolation. These include marginalized populations, older people, and those in remote areas. Either way, the lack of connection to others is detrimental because humans are hard-wired for connection. 

How to Combat Loneliness

When it comes to “fixing” the problem of loneliness, there are two major things to consider: connection with others and connection with ourselves (being content while alone). 

Connecting with others doesn’t have to mean going to crowded places or attending parties every week. Since we long for others who really “get” us, it’s helpful to find those who share our interests, values, and backgrounds. Writers, for example, tend to work in isolation. As a profession, they are often considered introverts. But attending writer’s conferences and joining writer’s groups—either locally or online, offers connection for people who share similar interests and who often view life in comparable ways.

Ways to Connect with Others

• Consider your interests and hobbies, and find groups who share those. If you live in a remote area, find an online group that meets online. 

• Join a community or volunteer organization. Look for someone else who looks lonely and befriend them. 

• Take your lunch to a park or other place and people watch. Even if you don’t talk to anyone, just being around other humans can help you feel less lonely. 

• Find creative ways to connect. If you live far from family and friends, set up online appointments to meet for coffee, dinner, online games, or even watch a movie or sporting event. You can use these to join birthday parties and holiday gatherings too.

• Make a large group smaller. If you’re already in a large group that makes you feel lonely, invite a few people you have something in common with and start a group within a group. This can be a study group, a book club, a dinner club, or anything else that brings a deeper connection.   

Ways to Connect with Yourself (Hint: Self-Care!)

• Learn to relish your alone time. Schedule appointments with yourself to do things you really want to do, that you need to do alone, anyway. Get a massage or a facial. Take a bubble bath. Turn on some of your favorite music, light a candle, read a novel. 

• Reorganize or redecorate a room in your home. 

• Start a new hobby. YouTube is an excellent resource for learning to paint, play guitar, garden, or just about anything else you might be interested in. 

• Go outside. Talk a walk or a jog in a park or around your neighborhood, or simply enjoy a cup of tea while you listen to birdsong. 

• Talk to yourself. Tell yourself the things you’d say to your best friend, if they were feeling disconnected. Remind yourself that you’re amazing, interesting, intelligent, and fun. Do this every day—out loud or in your head. 

Several studies link loneliness with depression, immune suppression, and other health problems. If you’re feeling lonely, it’s important to combat the issue in any way you can. Sometimes you can do all the right things and the loneliness persists. Don’t hesitate to reach out to a therapist who can help you explore ways to bridge the gap between the connections you want and the connections you have. You are worth the effort.

 

According to popular music, Hallmark movies, and holiday greeting cards, this time of year is filled with peace, joy, and good tidings. But for many who have lost a loved one, that picture isn’t entirely accurate. Instead of joy, we feel sadness. Instead of peace, we feel anxiety. If you or someone you know is coping with loss this season, it’s important to remember that healing is a process. With significant loss, grief may always be present. However, it does dull with time as we learn to do life in new ways without that person.

If you’ve recently (or perhaps not so recently) experienced a significant loss, consider the following as you navigate the holidays: 

• Set boundaries. It's okay to not want to be around happy, festive people. Watching others carry on with their lives can be especially hard. If needed, feel free to turn down invitations. Thank people for their offers but tell them you’d rather celebrate alone this year. 
• Decorate as much or as little as you want. If putting up the tree makes you feel close to your loved one, do it. If stringing lights makes your grief more intense, don’t. You have a right to deal with the holidays in ways that feel right to you. 
• Make a plan. If you celebrate with others, drive yourself so you can leave when you’re ready, or ask a trusted friend or family member to drive you with that plan in mind. 
• Cry. Or laugh at old times. Whatever you do, let yourself feel what you feel and be okay with it. Don’t be afraid of the intense emotions that surface during this time. They’re part of the healing process. 
• Honor your loved one. Carry on their favorite holiday tradition or donate to a charity in their name. Do something to show yourself—and the world—that this person you loved is not forgotten. 
• Change it up. If doing the same things you did with your loved one makes you sad, it’s okay to come up with new traditions. Take a trip or make a new dish you’ve wanted to try. If there’s something you always wanted to do but your loved one wasn’t on board, consider doing it now.
• Volunteer. One of the quickest ways to get past our own pain is to reach out to others who are hurting. Bake a cake for a sick friend. Put in some time at a local food bank. It will get your mind off your grief, make you feel better, and bless others in the process.  
• Write a letter to your loved one. Let them know how you feel and how you’re managing without them. Just writing it down will help with the grief process. 
• Consider the young ones. Many holiday traditions are centered around children. Think about how they may feel if you don’t participate. Keep yourself in their lives, even if just for a few of the celebrations and traditions. 
• Reach out. Don’t be afraid to ask friends and family for help dealing with your grief. Most people want to be there for you, but they don’t know how. Tell them, and it may help with their own grieving process. 

If someone you know has lost a loved one, it can be difficult to know what to say or do. Below are some things to keep in mind as you show your support:  

• Offer, but don’t insist. Ask the person to join you at holiday gatherings but be understanding if the answer is no. Give an open invitation, and don’t be surprised if they change their mind at the last minute. They may initially accept and then back out. Or they may say no, only to decide later they want to take part.
• Listen without judgment. Everyone grieves differently. Be supportive, but don’t offer advice or platitudes. Don’t say, “At least he’s not in pain anymore,” or any variation of that. When someone is grieving, they just want their person back. Let them feel their grief. 
• Send a special card. For your grieving friend, you might forgo the traditional smiling family photo card and send a more subdued and sensitive message instead. 
• Commit. After the funeral is over and the casserole dishes are returned, many friends disappear. But the months after a death can be long and lonely. Check on your friend often, over a long period of time. 
• Donate in honor of the lost person, and let your friend know you’ve done so.

Remember that grief doesn’t just happen that first holiday season after a person is gone. Sometimes, holidays are a little sad for many years to come. However, the load does lighten with time. Though you will always long for that person in your holiday celebrations, you will eventually learn to laugh, love, and enjoy life without them. Hang in there. It really does get better. And, if needed, you can always reach out to a therapist for help.

The chance of experiencing loss in your lifetime is 100 percent. Everyone encounters significant loss at some point, and grief is the emotional reaction to that loss. Whether you face the death of a beloved family member or pet, see a marriage or job crumble, or watch your health or finances diminish, some level of grieving will occur.

Grief is both universal and unique in its nature. Two people experiencing the same loss might react   very   differently   depending   on   their relationship to whom or what is being grieved.

It’s not uncommon to experience sleeplessness, weight  loss  or  gain,  or  a  weakened  immune system. Chronic illnesses may become worse due to the stress of grieving.  Emotional responses may range from anger, sadness, guilt, fear, or anxiety to moments of relief, peace, or even happiness.

THE FIVE STAGES OF GRIEF

While  there  is  no  normal  or  expected  grief response, there are five common stages, observed by  psychiatrist  Elisabeth  Kübler-Ross,  through which many people walk. These stages include:

 

1. Denial - Disbelieving the current reality as a way of coping with overwhelming facts.
2. Anger - Initial emotional reaction to awareness of loss.
3. Bargaining - Adjusting to loss through use of negotiation, compromise, or resolutions.
4. Depression   -   Overwhelming   feelings   of helplessness and hopelessness.
5. Acceptance - Coming to terms with the loss; sadness begins to give way to hope.

COMMON MYTHS ABOUT GRIEF

No two individuals will follow the same grief path or timetable. Grieving is an intensely personal experience, and no one should determine what is grief-worthy for another. There is no “normal” or standard protocol that fits everyone. Here are some other common misconceptions:

 

• If you just ignore the loss, the pain will go away.
• It’s important for you to stay strong at all times.
• Tears are directly proportionate to the level of your loss.
• After one year, you should be completely over all aspects of your loss. 

 

ACTION STEPS

There are many useful ways to move from a place of grief to a life of healing and hope.

✓  Talking  about  the  loss  with  family  and friends can aid healing.

✓  Emotional  reactions  of  all  sorts  (anger, sadness, bitterness, envy) are normal.

✓  Give yourself permission to experience a wide range of emotions and not feel guilty.

✓  Take care of yourself with good nutrition, exercise and rest.

✓  Avoid relying on caffeine, alcohol or other drugs as a means of self-medicating.

KEEP IN MIND

Coping with  grief and  loss  takes  time  and involves learning to live with the loss without being consumed by it.  Consider reaching out to your health  care  provider and  engaging other counseling resources for guidance on next steps.

What steps will you take today to help yourself heal and recover?

Want to talk to a counselor today about this? 

Call us at 800-453-7733 and ask for your “Free 15 Minute Phone Consultation" with one of our licensed counselors. We’ll listen, answer questions you may have, and help you plan next steps.

Coping with Grief during COVID-19

 

People usually think of grief happening from the loss of a loved one. But grief can happen from any major change or loss. Grief can be experienced as feelings of shock, sadness, anger, and confusion. Grief can make people feel overwhelmed, lose interest in activities they used to enjoy, sleep less or more, or have changes in their appetite. These are normal responses to loss or change.

During COVID-19, many people may be experiencing grief because of the loss of their way of life before the closures and social distancing regulations. People can even feel grief for plans that have been delayed or canceled. These changes may seem less important compared to the loss of life, but the reality is that life suddenly doesn’t feel normal anymore. This is a big change and many people are grieving.

Below is a list of some things that you can do to help get through the grief:

• Reach out to family or friends by phone, text, email, or video calls. It helps to talk about it. Part of grief is thinking that no one else is feeling the same things. When you talk about it, you see that you are not alone.
• Exercise at home to music or an online video. Exercising can help your mind and body stay healthy.
• Go for a walk. Whenever possible, it is important to go for a walk, run, or bike ride.
• Try to keep up a healthy diet and remember to eat regularly. Taking care of your body helps your mind stay well too.
• Reach out for professional help. Many counselors and therapists are offering phone or video call appointments. Professionals can help in handling strong feelings.

Be kind to yourself and others. Find ways to connect as much as possible. Remember, we will get through this together.

 

Losing a Loved One during COVID-19

 

Grief during COVID-19 is more difficult because we aren’t able physically be there for one another as we deal with the emotions. Feelings of sadness are normal after the death of a loved one, but During COVID-19, there is the additional challenge of social distancing regulations, and even quarantine, that prevent us from attending the service.

Traditions of grieving together and holding a funeral or memorial are helpful in processing the thoughts and emotions that come from such experiences. We are not able to share grief in ways that we have in the past. It can be helpful to find other ways of supporting one another during COVID-19.

 

Below are some suggestions that may help:

• If you are planning the service for a loved one who has passed, inquire about setting up streaming or video that you and others can watch from home. If you are not the one arranging the service, ask if streaming, listening to, or watching the service is possible.
• Look into online support groups for grief and loss.
• Arrange a virtual service for family and friends to share stories, memories, and feelings.
• Plan a memorial, celebration, or other service to commemorate your loved one after the changes because of COVID-19 has lessened. For example, you can look into the types of places you would want to hold the service, make a list of who to invite, and what you would like to say. Prepare for when you can put these plans into action.
• Think of ways that you can perform a ceremony or commemorate your loved one from home. You can try different things, like lighting a candle, planting flowers on your patio, or creating a commemorative photo journal can help.

These suggestions cannot replace the traditions of mourning together, but in such unprecedented times, we must search for solutions in any form possible.

 

Want to talk to a counselor today about this? 

Call us at 800-453-7733 and ask for your “Free 15 Minute Phone Consultation" with one of our licensed counselors. We’ll listen, answer questions you may have, and help you plan next steps.

 

Sources:

https://www.apa.org/topics/grief

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2691160/

https://www.psychiatry.org/patients-families/coping-after-disaster-trauma

https://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/health/servicesandsupport/grief

 

Coping With A Loved One's Suicide

When a loved one dies by suicide, it is common to feel shocked, confused, angry, sad, or any combination of emotions. Due to the stigma surrounding suicide, survivors might have a difficult time reaching out to find support to help process through the grief.  

Immediate Considerations

Losing a loved one to suicide is a shock in itself. While nothing can prepare you for this situation, knowing the following, or sharing them with others, can be helpful.

• Police may have to get involved to investigate the death. Often, they will be looking to make sure that it was indeed a death by suicide and not made to look like a suicide by someone else. In the process, they may need to take possessions, letters, or other items. Be sure to keep an inventory of what was taken so it can be returned, and keep in mind that police may also want to question some family members.
• You do not have to speak with media, if they become involved. If you do, consider selecting a spokesperson from the family, or one reporter to talk to, that you can then refer others to.
• It may be necessary for someone to identify the body. If this step is not applicable, keep in mind that you may still want to view the body, to say goodbye. It is wise to consider the nature of the death and if choosing to see the body would be the most helpful choice for you. Research has shown that many survivors who choose to see the body believe it was the right choice.
• It is personal preference on how much information to include in an obituary, however, including the cause of death might help answer questions that you won’t have to answer in person later, prevent rumors, and help garner necessary support.

When planning the funeral, some funeral homes or religious beliefs may not be in the habit of handling deaths by suicide. Make sure to speak with funeral homes and any clergy members involved to make sure that your loved one’s death will be treated with support and dignity.  

Coping with Suicide Grief

Grief is a complex process of emotions, memories, and adjustments. There is no right or wrong way to feel, and most suicide survivors report feeling some of the following:

• Shock
• Denial
• Rejection
• Anger
• Guilt
• Confusion
• Blame
• Relief
• Shame
• Isolation

Grief following a death by suicide is complex. Often, survivors feel like they cannot talk about it, because of how suicide is perceived in society. Survivors may often feel angry at the deceased, which can cause confusion since they are also sad about the death. Suicide can also cause survivors to feel traumatized, as the sudden and sometimes violent nature can leave lasting thoughts and memories that are hard to ignore.

These factors, and more, can compound the intense feelings of grief and can prevent any healing from occurring. If you are coping with suicide grief, one of the first things to do is find a support system. Handling grief alone is not a beneficial method, so consider speaking with a trusted family member or friend, a mental health professional, or joining a support group for suicide survivors. There are many resources available and can be found through agencies like the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, which can be found online at www.afsp.org.

Helping Others Cope with Suicide Grief

If someone you know is a suicide survivor, there are things that you can do to help. While it might seem most comfortable to give them space, this could leave them feeling isolated and ashamed. You may not feel totally competent in helping others with suicide grief, but some of the following activities can be a great help.

• Listen – Active listening and a loving presence can provide tremendous support to a survivor. It is not necessary to “have the answer” or know the right words to say, and actually, some statements can leave the survivor feeling misunderstood or more upset. Instead, focus on the words that are being shared and actively choose to be compassionate, understanding, non-judgmental, and patient. Some of the information shared might seem repetitive or confusing to you, but just giving them a chance to share it can make a huge difference.
• Offer Your Help – When mourning a loss, family and friends often need more help with day to day tasks such as grocery shopping, preparing meals, running errands, and watching children or pets. You can ask “What can I do to help?” or better yet, offer to help with a specific task and let them know when you are available to do so.
• Build A Legacy – Some families may struggle to discuss memories of the person who died, and may even struggle to state the name of the person. It is kind to follow the lead of those closest to the deceased, but it can be helpful to remember the deceased and join in on sharing memories when the time is right. You can also consider donating to a memorial or attending a Suicide Awareness walk in memory of the deceased.
• Be There Long Term – Grief is an ongoing process, and as the weeks, months, and years continue on, a survivor may need more assistance around certain Holidays, days, or anniversaries. Sending a card or calling to check in can be thoughtful and helpful. You will not be reminding them of the loss; likely, they never forgot it in the first place.

 

Want to talk to a counselor today about this? 

Call us at 800-453-7733 and ask for your “Free 15 Minute Phone Consultation" with one of our licensed counselors. We’ll listen, answer questions you may have, and help you plan next steps.

 

Sources

• http://www.survivorsofsuicide.com/help_heal.shtml
• http://www.suicidology.org/suicide-survivors/suicide-loss-survivors
• https://afsp.org/find-support/ive-lost-someone/
• https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/end-of-life/in-depth/suicide/art-20044900
• https://www.health.harvard.edu/blog/suicide-survivors-face-grief-questions-challenges-201408127342

Helping Others Cope With Grief

Death is a universal experience. Despite this fact, it can still leave us shocked, emotional, and confused.  When someone we know or love is processing through grief, there are many things that we can say and do to help. It might be helpful to start with your own experience of grief and remembering how people were able to comfort and support you. However, the most important part of helping someone with grief is to keep in mind that each person can handle a loss differently.

Grief 101

Grief is the natural response to a loss. As you accompany a person through the grief journey, it is imperative that you remember that grief is not a direct path; each day, and possibly each hour within a day, can contain a multitude of emotions and reactions. Your friend might cycle between moments of “normalcy” where it is easier to accept the loss, and moments of anger, sadness, relief, guilt or denial. This is very normal and you can help them through this by meeting your friend where he/she is at the time. Practicing non-judgmental statements and behaviors can be most beneficial; often it is simply your presence that can provide the support that your friend needs.

There is no step-by-step method to “getting through” grief. In fact, depending on the loss that was experienced, the person might experience some symptoms of grief for years. Don’t put a time-limit on your friend’s feelings. Some other things to consider when helping someone include:

• Religion: A person’s religious beliefs might influence his opinion on what happens after death, what the living should do in response to the death, and many other topics. Be respectful and understanding of these concepts, and help your friend to find resources if necessary.
• Culture: Similar to religious beliefs, your friend’s culture (including ethnicity, nationality, and other traditions) can influence how grief is experienced.
• Style: Some people tend to be more open and expressive in their grief and how they communicate their feelings. Others may be more reserved or focused on facts, logic or practical steps to take. Neither style is right or wrong, but unique to every individual.
• Emotional Patterns: You know your friend, and can possibly see where they might need help, even before they need to ask for it.
• Age: Helping a child process grief is going to be different than helping a teenager, or an adult. Children may need to have death explained to them, especially the difference between sleeping and death. Children and teens may also lack coping skills and might regress to earlier behaviors or show an increase in fussiness or irritability. Continue daily routines and encourage them to ask questions – and be prepared to answer the questions.

Helpful Tips

Actions speak louder than words, and sometimes an action is all that is needed. Too often, we think we have to say the exact right thing to help someone feel better, but the truth is that nothing you say is going to be able to fully take away the pain of the loss. While your words might briefly make your friend feel better, it is far more effective to continually offer your presence and help as the healing power that is needed. Just be there.

One very concrete way to offer help is to provide assistance with practical tasks. For example, laundry, eating, cleaning the house, mowing the lawn, shoveling the driveway, and other chores all need to be taken care of even when someone is grieving. Often, grief can take all of the energy away from this person, so offering to take care of a chore at a specific time for your friend can be very helpful.

You can also encourage the grieving person to make wise choices, and help him/her to process through certain decisions that arise. Often, this means listening for the majority of the conversation, and helping your friend to come up with answers on her own. You might also offer to participate in certain rituals or traditions with your friend, or help them to establish new ones.

Listening also comes into play as the person grieving might want to share stories. The stories might be repetitive, or they might be of a lot of different memories. The person may also need to talk about feelings that are coming up, or how hard it is to not feel connected to the deceased person anymore. Listen often, and encourage them to talk as much as they need to. If appropriate, it can also be helpful to share your own memories of the person that has died. Avoiding the deceased person’s name or memory will not help your friend, and bringing up the name or memory of the person will not remind your friend that the person is no longer alive. More than likely, your friend will already have thought about missing the deceased multiple times before you bring it up.

Knowing What to Say

• “I am so sorry for your loss.”
• “My favorite memory of your loved one is…”
• “We all need help, especially at times like this. This is what I would like to do for you.”
• “I do not know what to say, but I am here for you.”

Statements to Avoid

• “I know how you feel.”
• “At least he lived a long life.”
• “She is in a better place.”
• “He did this to himself.”
• “You have time to have another child.”
• “There is a reason for everything.”
• “God called her to Him because she was so pure and good.”
• “It was his time.”
• “Be strong.”
• “You need to move on.”

 

Want to talk to a counselor today about this? 

Call us at 800-453-7733 and ask for your “Free 15 Minute Phone Consultation" with one of our licensed counselors. We’ll listen, answer questions you may have, and help you plan next steps.

 

Sources

• https://foh.psc.gov/NYCU/CopingTips.pdf
• http://www.drchristinahibbert.com/the-dos-donts-of-helping-others-through-grief/
• http://www.focusonthefamily.com/lifechallenges/emotional-health/coping-with-death-and-grief/coping-with-death-and-grief
• http://www.dignitymemorial.com/en-us/library/article/name/gml-help-a-friend?textsize=normal
• https://grief.com/10-best-worst-things-to-say-to-someone-in-grief/

 

Dealing with Grief on Special Occasions

For many people who are grieving the loss of a loved one, it can seem like there is nothing worse than the day to day heartache and struggles that accompany grief. Yet, many people find that certain days – such as birthdays, Holidays, or certain anniversaries – can trigger even more emotions and pain.

Reawakened Grief

Special occasions are normally a time for celebration. When you are grieving a loved one, it might feel quite the opposite. You might have mixed feelings of joy and sadness, or you might be angry. Perhaps you feel like there is no way you can attend the family get-together, and that you need to stay home. Whatever you may be feeling, know that having grief reawakened at certain times – expected or unexpected – is normal. You should also know that there are ways to prepare and handle any day that comes your way.

• Pay Attention – Your emotions and routines can change when you are gearing up for a holiday, special event, or anniversary. This is normal. You might notice:
  • Anger: including irritability, increased fights with others, or feeling mad all the time.
  • Anxiety: feeling on edge or worried that something else bad is going to happen or that you will cause a scene if you express your emotions
  • Depression: increased sadness, isolating yourself, and not attending your usual functions.
  • Guilt: questioning everything or blaming yourself.
  • Other changes in eating, sleeping, or energy levels.
• Accept the Stages – Grief is a complex experience and does not have a direct course. Your emotions can and will vary. It is helpful to remind yourself of this, and to be flexible enough to adjust your expectations depending on what you are capable of on that day. As you pay attention to yourself, you will be able to better conserve and use your time and energy when you are able. This can help you to commit to your values and carry out the necessary tasks. For example, perhaps you cannot bake the three usual desserts that you bring to a family get-together, but you know you can at least do one. Do the one. Know that you have what it takes to both handle your emotions and engage with your commitments.
• Embrace the Good Days – It is just as important to accept when you are having a good day as it is to be kind to yourself when you are having a bad day. You can make the most of the good days by prepping for your week or the upcoming holiday, or doing any activity that you might not normally have energy for. Some people report thoughts like “I should not be enjoying myself” or “If I am not missing them, I am forgetting them.” These thoughts might appear true, but they are not. You are allowed to continue living and enjoying life even as you grieve, and your thoughts and feelings will undoubtedly change as time passes. This does not mean that the person who died means less to you.  
• Prepare and Self-care – If you know a certain event is coming up that is going to have a strong influence on you, take the time to utilize an action plan. Do one or two activities a day that you know build you up. Examples could include taking a hot bath, going for a walk, talking to a friend on the phone, journaling, or engaging in a hobby. By investing energy into productive habits, you can help your body and mind cope with any added stress in a more efficient way. Also, expecting the symptoms of grief to show up will help you to not be caught off guard. If you know you have multiple obligations around the anniversary of the death, for example, you can try to re-schedule some of them instead of putting undue pressure on yourself at a time that you know will be challenging.
• Start a New Tradition – If certain days affect you more than others, you can use them to help you honor the person’s memory. Start a journal of letters written to the person who died. Donate something in their name as an annual positive reminder. Do a walk or attend a fundraiser for a specific cause that was important to your loved one. You may even consider having a memorial event for the person where you can invite others to share memories together.
• Ask for Help – Everyone needs help sometimes, and especially while grieving. While it may seem difficult, reach out to those who have been helpful and supportive to you. This might include family or friends, a support group, or a counselor or religious leader. If you start to have thoughts about suicide, you can contact a crisis helpline such as 1-800-273-TALK/1-800-273-8255 or call 911. Help is available.

Unexpected Reminders

Sometimes a reminder of a deceased loved one can appear out of nowhere: a certain smell, song, or joke that you hear can be enough to trigger the longing and seem to take you back in time. While it might seem that these instances are a sign of weakness or a setback in your grief journey, these reminders are inevitable. Rather than judge them or look down on yourself, allow yourself to notice what is happening. Root yourself in the present moment, take some deep breaths, and ask yourself:

• What am I noticing?
• What am I feeling?
• Where am I?
• Who am I with?
• What can I do right now to honor myself and the memory of my loved one?

By paying attention to the present moment, you allow yourself to be mindful of the sensation. This helps you to slow down and orient yourself. It can also help you to make decisions that are helpful. The more you allow yourself to feel what is going on, the sooner it can pass since you are not ignoring, suppressing, or pushing it away.

 

Want to talk to a counselor today about this? 

Call us at 800-453-7733 and ask for your “Free 15 Minute Phone Consultation" with one of our licensed counselors. We’ll listen, answer questions you may have, and help you plan next steps.

 

Resources Used

• http://www.focusonthefamily.com/lifechallenges/emotional-health/coping-with-death-and-grief/coping-with-death-and-grief
• https://griefjourney.com/startjourney/for-those-that-want-to-help/articles-for-those-that-want-to-help/dealing-with-special-days-and-holidays/
• http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/end-of-life/in-depth/grief/art-20045340
• https://grief.com/the-five-stages-of-grief/
• http://jasonfoundation.com/prp/files/2012/10/Grief-And-Anniversary-Dates.pdf

Grief and Loss: Loss of a Child

Losing a child is the most devastating pain a parent could face.  The future is forever changed and the grieving may last a lifetime.  There are many types of loss including miscarriage, stillbirth, kidnapping, violence, accidents, and illness.  Even the death of an adult child can devastate a parent, as it is unnatural for a parent to outlive their child. 

What is Parental Grief?

While everyone experiences loss to some capacity, the grief process is unique.  No two people will grieve the same way, and each person’s timetable for healing will differ.  Many factors influence parental grieving.  Cultural norms, religious beliefs, and the specifics of how the child died can all influence how a parent grieves his or her child.  Some instances such as an illness or accident, are a visible loss of a child, while a miscarriage can be a less visible, but no less painful, separation. 

 

There are typically five main stages of grief a person experiences.  They are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.  Grieving is intensely personal, and no one should determine what is “grief-worthy” for another.  There are also many underlying layers of grief.  Parents will mourn the child, but they will also experience additional feelings of loss, such as the child’s smell, voice, laugh, cry, the future memories never to be made, etc.

 

Symptoms of Parental Grief

Losing a child can result in a number of emotional responses.  Parents can be depressed, angry, shocked or confused.  Many struggle with feelings of guilt and fear for their other children’s health or safety.  Some parents may resent families with healthy children, feel that life is meaningless, or question their faith and beliefs.  They can become angry with their spouse for grieving and coping differently than they do. 

 

There are a variety of physical symptoms that can accompany grief.  Changes in sleeping or eating patterns, loss of appetite, lack of concentration, and fatigue are common grief effects.  Some parents may no longer enjoy activities that once brought great pleasure, and if symptoms worsen, they may even contemplate suicide. 

 

Helping the Grieving Process

Though parents will always mourn the loss of a child, healing is possible.  The following is a list of helpful insights for grieving parents:

• Seek support- Grieving parents do not need to mourn alone. Don’t hesitate to ask for help, as family therapists and counselors have special knowledge that can help you through the grieving process in a healthy way. Communities of faith also provide an outlet to share your feelings, and support groups can provide a safe place to meet others who have gone through the same experience.
• Keep a routine- When you are grieving it’s important to have some stability in your week. Having some fun, comforting, and familiar activities to look forward to can help you and any other children feel safety and a measure of normalcy. 
• Stay open- Talking about your child might seem difficult at first, but remembering them can help the healing process. When memories and stories are brought up, use your child’s name and reminisce openly with others.  Never feel like you are inconveniencing others with your grief.   
• Plan for holidays- Special days, holidays, and your child’s birthday will be difficult, especially the first anniversary of them. Plan ahead for this time.  How do you want to remember the child?  Would you like to be home or away, occupied or contemplative?  The best plan for the day is anything that will benefit you and your family’s healing. 
• Say no to guilt- Don’t beat yourself up when housework or other responsibilities slide. When you need help, ask for it.  People might want to help but not know how to best do so, so it’s important to be specific or give examples when you ask for support. 
• Care for other children- There are some specific things to consider when you have additional children, as everyone is grieving in his or her own way.
  • Include them- Siblings will grieve in their own ways. Inquire if they want to participate in a memorial service or find another way to honor their sibling.  This will provide a way for them to remember their sibling, validate their sense of loss, and move towards healing.
  • Avoid comparison- Children should never be compared to their sibling who died. Otherwise, they will assume the responsibility of trying to fill the void and replace the child you have lost. 
  • Be aware- Some parents will cling to their other children and act in an overprotective manner out of fear. Others may be overly permissive.  If you feel like you cannot give your other children the attention they need, ask a friend or family member to help. 

Mourning the loss of a child will not go away overnight.  The pain may last a lifetime, but there are ways to find meaning after the loss.  Consider how you might want to honor your child’s life and create a lasting legacy to honor them.  Some might hold a memorial service, volunteer, or contribute to a cause their child appreciated.  Any way that reminds a grieving parent of their child in a healthy, positive manner will help their transition process toward acceptance. 

 

Want to talk to a counselor today about this? 

Call Amplified Life at 800-453-7733 and ask for your “Free 15 Minute Phone Consultation" with one of our licensed counselors. We’ll listen, answer questions you may have, and help you plan next steps.

 

Sources:

https://www.aamft.org/imis15/content/consumer_updates/grieving_the_loss_of_a_child.aspx

http://www.cancer.net/coping-and-emotions/managing-emotions/grief-and-loss/grieving-loss-child

 

 

 

 

 

Coping with Grief and Loss

 

The chance of experiencing loss in your lifetime is 100 percent.  Everyone encounters significant loss at some point, and grief is the emotional reaction to that loss.  Whether you face the death of a beloved family member or pet, see a marriage or job crumble, or watch your health or finances diminish, some level of grieving will occur.  In fact, anything valuable has the capacity for loss and the corresponding grief attached. 

 

Grief is both universal and unique in its nature.  Two people experiencing the same loss might react very differently depending on their relationship to whom or what is being grieved.  Some people engage in anticipatory grief, which occurs before an actual loss.  This is commonly seen with a dying friend or family member, an upcoming move, or impending divorce.  This type of grieving is a means of self-protection and preparation for the actual loss.

 

There are many physical and emotional symptoms of the grieving process.  Many individuals face sleeplessness, weight loss or gain, or a weakened immune system.  Chronic illnesses may become worse due to the stress of grieving.  Emotional responses may range from sadness, guilt, fear, or anxiety to moments of relief, peace, or even happiness. 

 

The Five Stages of Grief

While there is no normal or expected grief response, there are five common stages, observed by psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, through which many people walk.  These stages include:

 

1. Denial- This occurs when emotions are temporarily shut down or numbed.  Individuals deny the current reality and cannot take in the facts of the loss.   
2. Anger- Often people will experience different forms of anger.  This could range from a deep-seated frustration to an outburst of rage.  Anger has many shades, and a person can be angry with themselves, others, or especially those closest to them.    
3. Bargaining- This stage is a scenario of negotiation, often in the form of religion and the promise of a reformed lifestyle.  Many times in relational losses, such as a break-up, bargaining might take the form of an unhealthy compromise.
4. Depression- Here, the grieving individual loses hope.  Life might feel pointless, and isolation often occurs.  The individual may be extremely sad and sullen, cry often, and become detached and silent.  Basic life functions might seem increasingly difficult and unimportant. 
5. Acceptance- Last, a realization, or a “coming to terms” with the loss occurs.  Individuals may still feel sad when they think of the loss, but they are able to continue enjoying life and finding meaning in goals and relationships.

 

Common Myths about Grief

No two individuals will follow the same grief path or timetable.  Some people adjust quickly to their new environment.  Others will take several months or years, especially if their daily life is vastly different, or the loss was a shock or trauma.  Grieving is an intensely personal experience, and no one should determine what is grief-worthy for another.  There is no “normal” or standard protocol that fits everyone.  Here are some other common misconceptions:
 

• If you just ignore the loss, the pain will go away.
• It’s important for you to stay strong at all times. 
• Tears are directly proportionate to the level of your loss.
• After one year, you should be completely over all aspects of your loss. 

 

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Ways to Cope with Loss

There are many useful ways to move from a place of grief to a life of healing and hope. 

• Stay connected.  It’s important to keep talking and not isolate yourself during loss.  Discuss the death, the divorce, the job loss, the cancer, etc. 
• Emotional reactions of all sorts (anger, sadness, bitterness, envy) are normal.  Give yourself permission to feel them and not feel guilty.
• Never apologize for taking care of yourself.  Physical hygiene, good nutrition, exercise, and sleep will work wonders in your healing journey. 
• Consider ways to honor the loss you’ve experienced.  Active grieving may involve a memorial, community service, or creating a legacy of honor. 
• Remember, you are not alone.  Seek out help, especially if you are struggling with completing daily activities. Be specific when you ask for help from friends and family members, as they might not know what to do. In addition, access grief groups, counselor and therapists, or religious leaders when you need their support and guidance.    

 

Moving Onward

Accepting a “new normal” is the key to understanding grief.   Despite the old adage, time will help, but it will not completely cure the pain of loss.  Coming to a place of greater awareness and acceptance of this new identity is the final stop, or perhaps, just the beginning, on the road to life after loss.    

 

Want to talk to a counselor today about this? 

Call Amplified Life at 800-453-7733 and ask for your “Free 15 Minute Phone Consultation" with one of our licensed counselors. We’ll listen, answer questions you may have, and help you plan next steps.

 

Sources:

http://www.apa.org/helpcenter/grief.aspx

http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-living/end-of-life/in-depth/grief/art-20047261?pg=2

 

Grief and Loss: Loss of a Parent

Even though we know we are supposed to outlive our parents, nothing can quite prepare us for the shock and sadness we feel when they pass.  Whether their death is sudden or drawn out with illness, there may be unresolved issues that influence our grief.  Perhaps, you didn’t get the chance to talk with your dad one last time before his passing.  Or maybe your mother’s death occurred right before a holiday, wedding, birthday, or other special event.  It is natural to be affected by the grieving process, regardless of the circumstances or age of your parent. 

Common Feelings after Losing a Parent

Even if you are an adult when your parent passes, you will still struggle through some common emotions associated with grief.  Many children, even grown ones, feel confusion about their new identity and role in the family.  You may feel as though no one will ever love you the way your mom or dad did.  If your other parent is alive, it might become your responsibility to care for them, especially in their grief.  Other common emotions might include guilt for what you didn’t say or do, frustration with the new tasks you’ve assumed, and uncertainty dealing with legal and financial matters. 

 

When both parents are gone, it’s natural for a person to feel like an adult orphan.  Your identity might change, as well as your role.  Suddenly, you might find yourself to be a member of the oldest living generation in your family.  You might feel an overwhelming desire to carry on your parents’ values and traditions or maybe start new ones. 

Processing Grief Differently

Everyone will experience grief and loss at some point, but no two people will process it the same way.  After the loss of a parent, some people aren’t sure how to respond.  People may not understand why you are grieving if your parent lived a long life.  Others who have already lost a parent may step in and support you with comforting words and kind acts.  Your siblings may also be struggling with your parent’s death, but they might grieve in an entirely different manner.   

 

Coping with Grief 

There is no correct way to grieve and no universal timeline for it.  Grief will look different for everyone.  However, the following are a few considerations for taking care of yourself when you lose a parent:

• Be alone and together- There are times when grieving is done privately. On other occasions, sorrow is expressed as a group.  Give yourself permission for both of these responses.  At times, you will want to share your feelings with other family members.  Other moments you might rather be alone with your thoughts.  Both are common and acceptable.
• Release guilt- Some adult children may feel relief when their parent passes. This is especially common when the parent has been suffering from chronic pain or illness.  Also, if the child has been the primary caregiver, feelings of relief are natural.  You should not feel guilty if you experience this emotion. 
• Prepare for holidays- You should expect the holidays to be hard, especially the first year without your parent(s). Plan ahead for how you would like to honor them or their traditions.  Consider how you will best care for yourself as well on holidays, birthdays, and anniversaries. 
• Respect others’ grief- Because everyone grieves differently, relationships may be stressed and strained after a loss. Understand that your siblings and other family members may need more or less time than you to process their pain.  Be patient and lean on one another for support.  Ask for help when you need it. 
• Foster old and new relationships- No one can take the place of your mom or dad. However, there’s nothing wrong with finding someone to offer support, comfort, and the wisdom you might need.  This could be a relative or another friend who perhaps has been a mentor to you.
• Preserve memories- What stories of your parents would you love your children to know? Think about the memories you want to pass on to future generations.  Writing these down can help you process your own grief, while preserving timeless memories for grandchildren and other young family members. 
• Seek help- Even if you’re not experiencing symptoms of anxiety or depression, that doesn’t mean you cannot benefit from talking to a therapist or support group about your loss. Sharing your feelings aloud with a professional and others who’ve experienced losing a parent is an excellent way to care for yourself. 

Many times loss is unexpected.  And even when we’re anticipating it, we might not be prepared for how we will react.  When we are grieving, we are more likely to stop or minimize healthy habits.  Much of the healing process, however, is related to good self-care.  Taking the time to get proper rest, eat well, and exercise regularly is essential to your healing after you experience a loss.  These healthy choices will help you transition to a place of hope after a loss, and will serve to honor your parents’ wishes for your health and happiness.  

 

Want to talk to a counselor today about this? 

Call Amplified Life at 800-453-7733 and ask for your “Free 15 Minute Phone Consultation" with one of our licensed counselors. We’ll listen, answer questions you may have, and help you plan next steps.

 

Sources: http://www.cancercare.org/publications/68-helping_yourself_as_you_cope_with_the_loss_of_a_parent

Grief and Loss: Loss of a Partner

The death of your spouse or partner can change your entire world.  You lose the person you loved, the role they played in your family, and your life’s daily routine.  You might miss their financial stability and emotional support, and perhaps your spouse or partner was your best friend.  Whatever your partner represented to you, the pain of loss is real.

Physical and Emotional Effects of Grief

Though grief and loss is a universal experience, no two people will process grief the same.  There’s no right way to grieve or a timetable to do so.  Mourning a loss affects our physical bodies as well as our emotions.  You might experience changes in sleeping and eating patterns or feel fatigued and low on energy.  In addition, work and other tasks might become difficult as you struggle to concentrate.

 

When you grieve, you also feel a number of emotions, such as shock, fear of the unknown, anger that they died before you did, or guilt that you could have done more.  Many people experience remorse for not being there when their spouse passed, or might feel unsafe coming home to an empty house. 

Healthy Grieving Ideas

Grief and loss happen to everyone.  Some choose positive coping methods, while others cause further distress by choosing negative ways to process their grief.  These individuals might shut others out, make hasty decisions, or turn to alcohol or drugs.  The following physical, emotional, and social tips offer healthy grieving ideas: 

 

Physical

• Practice self-care- During the grieving process, it is imperative that you don’t neglect your health. Making wise food choices, getting enough rest, staying hydrated, and exercising regularly is critical. Though you may not feel like it, you’re actually helping the healing process by practicing good self-care.  You should never feel guilty for taking care of yourself physically, especially when you are grieving. 
• Know your limits- You might need to talk with your employer about a more flexible work schedule. Perhaps you can’t assume all the household responsibilities your spouse or partner handled.  Be patient with yourself if you need to learn new tasks or skills, and this will take time.  There’s nothing wrong with saying “no” and setting limits while you heal.

Emotional

• Keep a journal- Writing down your feelings about the loss can be helpful. Though remembering your spouse or partner might be painful, the memories can recall all the joy they brought.  Recording your thoughts is also a way to chronicle your healing as the weeks and months pass.   
• Avoid big life decisions- Large changes like moving or a new job should be placed on hold until you feel better. Grief can cloud good thinking, so while risky decisions might seem rewarding in the moment, you might regret them later. 
• Plan for the holidays- Plan ahead for special events, holidays, or anniversaries to smooth the transition. Take time to honor your spouse on the special day or have someone available to talk to about your grief.  Prepare beforehand, so you can use the day to be positive, get support, and care for yourself.   

Social

• Honor your partner’s life- One way to embrace a new beginning is to honor your partner’s life. Although they are no longer with you, there are ways to recognize their values and beliefs.  Consider holding a special memorial service, planting a tree, or volunteering for their favorite charitable cause.  This effort creates a lasting legacy, helps you heal, and contributes to your community.
• Engage your interests- If the upcoming weeks feel empty, make plans to do things you know you will enjoy. Meet up with friends, join a community group, or take a class to learn a new skill.  Having plans to look forward to each week can increase your energy level and uplift your mood.  However, be patient with yourself.  It’s not necessary to rush into a brand new life, and finding a “new normal” will take time. 
• Respect others’ grieving- Your family members, friends, and children are also mourning the loss of your spouse or partner. Their grief might look different than yours, so it’s important for everyone to respect each other’s grief process.  Recognize that relationships might change a little because of the loss. 

Grieving the loss of a spouse or partner is a process and won’t happen overnight.  Find friends and family members whom you can talk to about your feelings.  Ask for assistance with household duties, or have someone help you go through personal items and your partner’s clothes.  Consider joining a support group, talking with a therapist, or visiting your doctor for help and guidance.  Taking care of yourself is the best way to honor yourself and your partner’s love for you, so reach out and get the support you need.

 

Want to talk to a counselor today about this? 

Call Amplified Life at 800-453-7733 and ask for your “Free 15 Minute Phone Consultation" with one of our licensed counselors. We’ll listen, answer questions you may have, and help you plan next steps.

 

Sources:

http://www.nia.nih.gov/health/publication/mourning-death-spouse