family

Thanksgiving and Christmas are often spent with extended family—which can bring stress by itself. Add in the recent emotionally charged election and the divisiveness it’s caused, and this year’s holiday dinners have leveled up. 

In today’s political climate, people are moving away from politely expressing a differing view while respecting others’ opinions. Oftentimes, they’re not willing to keep the topic off the table, have an open discussion, or even remain civil. Where relationships might’ve been prioritized over political views in the past, lines have now been drawn in the sand. People have unfollowed others on social media, cancelled events, and shut down relationships with family and friends. 

It's not surprising that even the thought of coming together to share a meal can cause dread, tension, and anxiety over potential conflict. Even if you think you know someone well, you can’t always predict how they’ll react. And you can’t change them. But you can change the way you respond. Check out the strategies below to help you survive this year’s holiday dinners. 

Strategies to Survive Your Holiday Dinner

Set boundaries before and during the event. If you’re the host, send a text or an email to request that guests avoid polarizing topics. Politely remind them again as you sit down to dinner. If you’re the guest, decide ahead of time what you will and will not endure. If things get too much for you, excuse yourself as politely as possible, tell everyone you love them, wish them a happy holiday, and explain that you’re not feeling well and have to leave. 

Shift the Focus. When conversations veer into iffy territory, redirect. Ask lots of questions. People love to talk about themselves and their thoughts. The more questions you ask, the more you control the narrative. Tell a joke. Have a couple of corny “dad” jokes ready. When things get awkward, save the day with humor. Groans are better than heated stares. Suggest playing a game or watching a movie. 

Take a break. Scope out a place to decompress before you need it. Politely excuse yourself. Spend a few minutes scrolling through social media, watching funny cat videos, or listening to your favorite music. Take some deep breaths. 

Limit your time. It’s better to stay for an hour or two and leave on a good note. 

Strategies for What to Say to Avoid Political Conversation

• When you want to change the subject. “Can I interrupt? We need to talk about XYZ.” This approach changes the topic and gives you a way out. 

• When you want to disagree. “My opinion is different, but you make an interesting point.” This is a respectful way to disagree that also lets others feel heard. 

• When you need a break. “This isn’t something I want to talk about right now. Can we talk about X?” Most people will at least think about not pushing back once you’ve clearly stated you want to talk about something else. 

• When you feel uncomfortable. “For personal reasons, I’d rather not discuss this. Mind if we ditch this topic?” By being direct and honest, you can state your feelings without it being awkward.”

• When you’re stressed and need to shut a conversation down. “I respectfully disagree and think it would be best if we didn’t talk about it anymore.” This gives calm and respectful feedback while making your views clear.

• When someone gets emotional. “I see you feel strongly about this. I’m starting to feel a bit uncomfortable. Can we talk about something else?” When you say what’s happening for you personally, you can move forward in a way that’s respectful to both of you.

8 Strategies to Handle Conflict When It Arises

• Stay calm and civil. Getting angry, calling names, villainizing people, yelling, or arguing only escalates conflict. When you calmly respond to someone, they’re more likely to hear your viewpoint. 

• Agree to disagree. People see the same event from different viewpoints. Sometimes, it’s enough to acknowledge that it’s okay not to agree. 

• Separate people from their opinions. You can still care about and respect someone if their beliefs and choices differ from yours. 

• Acknowledge and validate both of your fears, anxieties, and anger, and focus on the relationship rather than the conflict.   

• Listen actively. Active listening communicates someone’s worth and helps you understand the thoughts, feelings, and emotions behind what they’re saying. Try to hear the assumptions, cultural values, and beliefs behind their message so you can “walk a few blocks in their shoes.” 

• Know your message. If possible, consider your own emotions and thoughts before a conflict occurs. Decide how you can best communicate your needs, interests, values, and principles ahead of time so you’re prepared to respond in a calm, respectful manner. 

• Use defusing speech and body language. 

• Choose “I” instead of “you” statements. Focus on the actual conflict instead of how you’re reacting to it. (“I feel frustrated when you tell me what my opinion should be.”)

• Avoid triggers. Stay away from exaggerated words (always or never), emotionally charged words, and aggressive nonverbal language (crossing your arms, rolling your eyes, pointing a finger, getting into someone’s personal space).

Keep in Mind

If you’re the one who wants to talk politics, be sensitive, and respectful. Try saying, “I’d like to hear your thoughts on X. Is that something you’d be interested in discussing with me?” Asking for permission gives others the opportunity to participate or to opt out of a discussion.

You can’t control others, but you can control yourself. Remember to be the person you wish everyone else was. Show grace and compassion. Treat others the way you want to be treated. And if the tension becomes too much, it’s okay to walk away.

According to popular music, Hallmark movies, and holiday greeting cards, this time of year is filled with peace, joy, and good tidings. But for many who have lost a loved one, that picture isn’t entirely accurate. Instead of joy, we feel sadness. Instead of peace, we feel anxiety. If you or someone you know is coping with loss this season, it’s important to remember that healing is a process. With significant loss, grief may always be present. However, it does dull with time as we learn to do life in new ways without that person.

If you’ve recently (or perhaps not so recently) experienced a significant loss, consider the following as you navigate the holidays: 

• Set boundaries. It's okay to not want to be around happy, festive people. Watching others carry on with their lives can be especially hard. If needed, feel free to turn down invitations. Thank people for their offers but tell them you’d rather celebrate alone this year. 
• Decorate as much or as little as you want. If putting up the tree makes you feel close to your loved one, do it. If stringing lights makes your grief more intense, don’t. You have a right to deal with the holidays in ways that feel right to you. 
• Make a plan. If you celebrate with others, drive yourself so you can leave when you’re ready, or ask a trusted friend or family member to drive you with that plan in mind. 
• Cry. Or laugh at old times. Whatever you do, let yourself feel what you feel and be okay with it. Don’t be afraid of the intense emotions that surface during this time. They’re part of the healing process. 
• Honor your loved one. Carry on their favorite holiday tradition or donate to a charity in their name. Do something to show yourself—and the world—that this person you loved is not forgotten. 
• Change it up. If doing the same things you did with your loved one makes you sad, it’s okay to come up with new traditions. Take a trip or make a new dish you’ve wanted to try. If there’s something you always wanted to do but your loved one wasn’t on board, consider doing it now.
• Volunteer. One of the quickest ways to get past our own pain is to reach out to others who are hurting. Bake a cake for a sick friend. Put in some time at a local food bank. It will get your mind off your grief, make you feel better, and bless others in the process.  
• Write a letter to your loved one. Let them know how you feel and how you’re managing without them. Just writing it down will help with the grief process. 
• Consider the young ones. Many holiday traditions are centered around children. Think about how they may feel if you don’t participate. Keep yourself in their lives, even if just for a few of the celebrations and traditions. 
• Reach out. Don’t be afraid to ask friends and family for help dealing with your grief. Most people want to be there for you, but they don’t know how. Tell them, and it may help with their own grieving process. 

If someone you know has lost a loved one, it can be difficult to know what to say or do. Below are some things to keep in mind as you show your support:  

• Offer, but don’t insist. Ask the person to join you at holiday gatherings but be understanding if the answer is no. Give an open invitation, and don’t be surprised if they change their mind at the last minute. They may initially accept and then back out. Or they may say no, only to decide later they want to take part.
• Listen without judgment. Everyone grieves differently. Be supportive, but don’t offer advice or platitudes. Don’t say, “At least he’s not in pain anymore,” or any variation of that. When someone is grieving, they just want their person back. Let them feel their grief. 
• Send a special card. For your grieving friend, you might forgo the traditional smiling family photo card and send a more subdued and sensitive message instead. 
• Commit. After the funeral is over and the casserole dishes are returned, many friends disappear. But the months after a death can be long and lonely. Check on your friend often, over a long period of time. 
• Donate in honor of the lost person, and let your friend know you’ve done so.

Remember that grief doesn’t just happen that first holiday season after a person is gone. Sometimes, holidays are a little sad for many years to come. However, the load does lighten with time. Though you will always long for that person in your holiday celebrations, you will eventually learn to laugh, love, and enjoy life without them. Hang in there. It really does get better. And, if needed, you can always reach out to a therapist for help.

Hoarding Disorder

What is Hoarding?

Until 2013, hoarding was characterized under the diagnosis of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. In the new Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, also known as the DSM-5, the pattern of hoarding is now its own diagnosis, called Hoarding Disorder.

A person with Hoarding Disorder has difficulty getting rid of possessions, and experiences significant distress when forced to do so. This often leads to excessive storage of items in their home, which then leads to clutter and disorganization that interferes with normal living. In extreme cases, home appliances might be covered and unable to be used or sanitation and safety of the home might be compromised.

Hoarding Facts

• Hoarding behaviors can start in childhood, with children trying to obtain and keep various items. Typically, parents or guardians interfere with this behavior to help keep homes tidy. However, these behaviors typically worsen with each decade of life if they are not dealt with.
• Most people who hoard have a pattern of indecisiveness.
• Traumatic and stressful events might contribute to hoarding behaviors.
• Items collected can range from newspapers, free pamphlets, clothes, or books to sentimental items or garbage. Some people hoard animals, and can have dozens to hundreds of animals in their home for which they are unable to provide proper care.
• People who hoard normally do so because they find significance in the items. They might:
  • think an item will be helpful in the future
  • have a strong emotional attachment to an item
  • not want to waste anything
  • feel safe when surrounded by their possessions.
• Hoarding is distinguished from collecting or having messy storage areas by noting that people who hoard:
  • obtain many different types of items
  • do not plan to acquire an item, yet end up holding on to any free or purchased item they get
  • live in homes where items are disorganized and take over normal living areas, interfering with daily tasks such as cooking, bathing, and storing food.
  • experience distress when asked to get rid of an item, and their hoarding behaviors are often a source of conflict in their relationships with others including family, friends, and landlords/neighbors
  • have homes that can be dangerous, presenting an increased risk of fire, falling, and being buried by items. These homes can also be unsanitary, possibly putting neighbors and visitors at risk.

 

How to Help a Person Who Hoards

Getting help for someone who hoards can be difficult. Most people do not seek treatment for hoarding, but for other issues, such as Anxiety and Depression, that are bothering them. While it might seem like cleaning out the home for this person would be a quick fix, it will not stop the hoarding behaviors. It might actually increase their tendency to hoard, and put them further from a healthy living environment and lifestyle.

Instead, begin by educating yourself about hoarding, and ask yourself how hoarding is benefiting the person. It can be helpful to speak with a mental health professional to come up with a plan of how to engage your loved one who hoards, into treatment. There are tools available, like the Clutter Image Rating Scale, that can help with this process. This tool can help them identify what their home looks like. And evaluate if their perspective is accurate. As with any mental health condition, true change will only be accomplished if the person has an internal desire to learn, understand, and try.

Treatment Options

Participating in counseling – also called psychotherapy, therapy, or talk therapy – is one of the primary methods of treating Hoarding Disorder. Counseling might include:

• Motivational Interviewing – This method helps to increase a person’s desire to change by looking at values, motivation, and small steps to achieve change.
• Cognitive Behavioral Therapy – This form of therapy helps people identify how their thoughts influence their behaviors, and how to effectively challenge and change the problematic thoughts and behaviors.
• Psychoeducation and skills training – Taking this approach includes educating people who hoard about Hoarding Disorder, and helps them to gain skills to understand and prevent problematic behaviors.
• Structured Cleaning – Strategically cleaning out the home can be part of treatment. This should be done at specific times, with support offered to the individual to prevent relapse and increase of behaviors.
• Medication – While there is no medication specifically for the treatment of Hoarding Disorder, some psychiatrists recommend different medications to help treat Anxiety and Depression that often occur along with it.

 

Want to talk to a counselor today about this? 

Call us at 800-453-7733 and ask for your “Free 15 Minute Phone Consultation" with one of our licensed counselors. We’ll listen, answer questions you may have, and help you plan next steps.

 

Hoarding: How to help a hoarder, how to get help

• http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/hoarding-disorder/home/ovc-20317407
• https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/obsessive-compulsive-disorder-ocd/index.shtml (used to be specific type of OCD…)
• https://pro.psychcentral.com/dsm-5-changes-obsessive-compulsive-and-related-disorders/004404.html
• https://hoarding.iocdf.org/
• https://iocdf.org/wp-content/uploads/2014/10/Hoarding-Fact-Sheet.pdf

Getting Along With Your Parents

Navigating a healthy adult relationship with your parents can sometimes be difficult.  On one hand, they might still attempt to treat you like a child.  On the other, you may begin assuming a more parental role as they age.  Sometimes we want them to still nurture and care for us, and in other instances, we want to be treated as independent adults. 

Potential Problems

You and your parents are not the same people.  They are unique and so are you.  They might have different values, beliefs, interests, and priorities than you, and that’s natural.  Healthy adult relationships can appreciate both the similarities and differences.  However, this knowledge does not mean there won’t be challenges.  Here are some examples of how we might encounter problems with our parents: 

• Disagreements on how to parent and raise our own children
• Being financially dependent on our parents
• Differing core values and beliefs (political, cultural, spiritual, etc.)
• Arguments on their future medical care or living arrangements
• Resentment over childhood issues
• Continual complaining or criticism

Mutually Beneficial Relationship

Having a healthy adult relationship with your parents is possible and a worthwhile investment.  The following are guidelines on how to begin accepting your parents and building a mutually beneficial relationship: 

 

Accepting Parents

• Don’t fix- It’s acceptable to set boundaries and tell your parents what you do and don’t tolerate in your home and with your children. Be mindful though that your parents are who they are. So think about what it would look like to accept them without trying to change them.
• Don’t blame- Try being empathic with your parents. Be objective about who they are and their family history.  Avoid blaming them for your problems, as this won’t benefit you or your relationship.
• Respect their freedom- Making assumptions about your parents’ lives is never helpful. They might not want to babysit your children every time you go out or fix an appliance when it breaks.  Take responsibility for your own life.  Respect that they are adults too, and they value independence just like you do. 

Being Assertive

• Practice honesty- Your parents can’t read your mind. Be honest about who you are, what you want, and what’s important to you.  It’s unfair to expect them to know unless you tell them.
• Don’t focus on approval- When you were a child your life may have centered on your parents’ approval. As an adult you need to decide what kind of person you want to be and what’s important to you, whether your parents agree or not.  It’s natural to desire your parents’ approval, even as an adult, but this approval is no longer necessary for your life decisions.  
• Grow up- Asking your parents to do things you’re capable of doing isn’t mature. If you want to be treated like an adult, it’s important to act like one.
• Don’t ask for advice- Unless you really need your parents’ insight, don’t ask for advice. Often we ask for counsel when we’ve already mentally made our decision.  This opens the potential for conflict if they disagree with your pre-determined choice. 
• Practice forgiveness- Allow yourself to make mistakes. You might disappoint your parents, but making choices is part of adulthood.  Forgive yourself and move forward. 

Building Relationships

• Share activities- Spend time doing things you and your parents both enjoy. What activities are mutually beneficial and strengthen your relationship?  When you can look forward to time together rather than dread the interaction, your relationship with them will improve.
• Build a legacy- Consider helping your parents preserve their history and memories. You might learn things about yourself or gain a greater understanding of their background.  Photos, videos, and written memoires capture a legacy to share with other family members and grandchildren.

Managing Conflict

All relationships experience conflict, and the parent/adult child interaction is no different.  Even though it might seem easier to cut all ties, this isn’t wise.  Though it might feel better in the short-term, shutting out your parents will not resolve emotional problems. 

 

You should handle conflict with your parents like you would with any other adult that you respect.  Good communication, as you would have with a friend or coworker, is vital.  Problems are not necessarily character flaws, and they can be opportunities for growth and change. 

The transition from the parent/child to the parent/adult child relationship doesn’t need to be stressful. The turbulent adolescent years are over, and it’s possible for your relationship with your parents to blossom even more.  Though you are grown never assume your parents aren’t interested in the details of your life.  Share your dreams and goals just as you would with another friend.  Investing in a healthy adult relationship with your parents is beneficial and worthwhile; so take advantage of the opportunities while they are available. 

 

Want to talk to a counselor today about this? 

Call Amplified Life at 800-453-7733 and ask for your “Free 15 Minute Phone Consultation" with one of our licensed counselors. We’ll listen, answer questions you may have, and help you plan next steps.

 

 

Sources:

http://www.aarp.org/home-family/friends-family/info-04-2013/parenting-adult-children-family-relationships.html

 

 

 

 

 

Successful Stepfamilies

With many marriages ending in divorce, stepfamilies are becoming even more commonplace. Though your may find your family growing in number, cultivating a successful stepfamily takes time, compromise, and motivation. 

Stepfamilies Defined

Traditionally, a stepfamily has been defined as a family where a parent has at least one child not biologically (or legally, in terms of adoption) related to the other parent.  This child may live with one biological parent and visits the other biological parent, or he or she may equally split time between both original parents. Other times a child has a lost a parent and the living parent will remarry.

 

There are many variations of stepfamilies.  Whereas the term stepfamily once referred only to married couples, cohabitating relationships where one or both parents had existing children are now recognized as stepfamilies.  Grown children, in the case of parental death, will often refer to their parent’s new spouse as a stepparent, even though they never lived under the same roof.

Blended families are also a form of stepfamily.  This is where both partners come into the marriage or relationship with existing children.  Blended families have many of the same challenges as other stepfamilies as well as unique ones.

Transition Process

As a stepfamily or blended family is beginning the process of transition, there are often some growing pains along the way.  Adapting to new routines requires compromise for everyone.  Emotions usually run high; guilt over a divorce, anger about sacrifices made, worry about the stepfamily transition, and jealousy between stepsiblings are fairly common responses. 

 

Stepparents may struggle in the transition process to figure out their new roles.  Questions over discipline, rule-setting, and household responsibilities are priorities to address.  These may cause insecurity and uncertainty in the new stepparent.  Parents also worry about perceived favoritism between biological and stepchildren. 

Similarly, kids face transitional unrest.  Children may feel caught between both biological parents, not wanting to upset either one.  In addition, your child will need to learn how to “share” you with your new spouse.  Sharing may also extend to their home and belongings if your new spouse or partner moved into your home.

Struggling Stepfamily Signs

With all these changes, stress is at an elevated rate.  Here are some key warning signs of a stepfamily struggling with change:

• Behavior- A child may show unexpected anger or behavioral aggression toward another family member. Children may cry more than usual and isolate themselves from other family members and friends. 
• Activity challenges- Families sometimes face difficulty finding a shared activity they all can enjoy. Heightened emotions and constant conflict make shared family time challenging.
• Discipline- The stepparent has difficulty disciplining a stepchild and/or disagrees with current discipline methods. This can cause conflict within the marriage. 

Strategies for Successful Stepfamilies

Tension and family distress do not have to be the norm for beginning stepfamilies.  The following suggestions are designed to improve unity within the family:

 

For Everyone:

• Consider- Give everyone a say. Parents may have the final word, but considering everyone’s thoughts and feelings may help eliminate irrational fears about the stepfamily transition.
• Process- Transition takes time. Attempting to rush the process to adapt will only cause more stress.  Respect the process, as trusting relationships between stepparents, children, and stepsiblings take time to develop. 

For Parents:

• Respect- Be cautious not to speak poorly about your ex in front of your children. Shaming your former spouse or using your children as messengers is not a good policy.  Never ask your child to spy on your ex and his/her new partner or speak negatively about them.  This places your child in an unfair and unfortunate situation, so be respectful to both your child and ex. 
• Make Time- Carve out time with your children to participate in their favorite activities. Let them speak honestly about their fears and concerns with the new family.  Reassure them you will always love them.
• Don’t Assume- Even grown children who are independent adults may struggle with knowing their place in a new stepfamily situation. Listen to their concerns and encourage them to play a positive role in the new family. 

For Stepparents:

• Space- Every child needs some amount of privacy. Rather than feel shut off from the child, respect the space they need to function better.
• Don’t Personalize- Stepchildren may not warm up to you immediately. Try not to take things personally, as their reactions may be more about the process itself than you as an individual. 

For Stepfamilies with a New Baby:

• Explain- Talk to your children about the possibility of a new baby. Explain how things might change.  Give opportunities for them to express fears or concerns about the new baby. 
• Teamwork- Allow the children to help with the new baby. Feeling included helps alleviate feelings of being overlooked and forgotten. 

While the challenges are very real for today’s stepfamilies, so are the rewards.  If your stepfamily is still experiencing growing pains in the adjustment process, ask for help.  Family therapy is an excellent tool for working through everyone’s emotions in the transition.  For additional help, check out the National Stepfamily Resource Center at www.stepfamilies.info. 

 

Want to talk to a counselor today about this? 

Call Amplified Life at 800-453-7733 and ask for your “Free 15 Minute Phone Consultation" with one of our licensed counselors. We’ll listen, answer questions you may have, and help you plan next steps.

Sources

http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-living/childrens-health/in-depth/stepfamilies/art-20047046

http://stepfamilies.info

Balancing Work and Family

Managing our daily 24 hours is easier some days more than others.  Attempting to care for our bodies, getting proper rest, and maintaining a household is a full-time job in itself.  Add in work and family responsibilities, and the task becomes even more challenging.  Even though it is our choice how we use our time, we often become quite stressed attempting to manage it all. 

A common contributor to imbalance between work and family is control.  People often feel like they are losing control when one half of the work and home equation crowds out the other.  When this occurs the overwhelming sense of our to-do list seems more important than the things that give us the greatest enjoyment.  Priorities become mismatched and frustration, anxiety, and even depression gain momentum. 

Out of Balance?

Our lives naturally fall out of balance from time to time.  When this occurs we struggle to regulate our responsibilities and what we enjoy most.  Taking the time to assess how things are going can give us insight to realign our priorities.  This allows us to balance our time and make changes to reflect our values.  There are several questions you can ask yourself to see if work and family life have fallen out of balance: 

• Do you regularly set aside time to spend with your family?
• When you are with family, do you feel anxious or guilty about not working?
• At work, what triggers you to feel like you should be spending more time with your family?

Out of Balance Consequences

Failing to find the balance between work and family produces undesired consequences, such as a loss of energy.  While you are at work your productivity level will suffer in the long run from overwork and the stress that comes with it.  At home you may feel too tired to enjoy your spouse and/or children. 

Another common byproduct of working harder is increased responsibility.  It is easy to take on more than you can handle appropriately.  Working long hours may also cause you to miss out on important family moments and milestones. 

Strategies for Achieving Greater Balance

If you are feeling overwhelmed by your schedule or guilty about the imbalance in your life, be encouraged.  This is a common problem; there are only 24 hours in a day and invariably some tasks and activities take longer than anticipated.  Second, you are not destined to stay stuck in this cycle.  The following strategies will help you move past an overcrowded schedule to a place of balance between attending to your responsibilities and that which you love to do. 

 

For Work:

• Scheduling- Pay attention to your work commitments. Are there any adjustments you can make to free up more time for home?  The most difficult tasks should be scheduled for when you are usually the most productive.
• Distractions- There may be times of the day you are more likely to be distracted or procrastinate. How could you use your time more efficiently during this period?  Are you checking social media too often or reading emails at a less productive time?  Prioritize to maximize your time.
• Separation- Leave work at work. The more you focus on work at home the greater the lines blur between both worlds. 

For Family:

• Values- Write down what you desire most from life. What activities are important for you to do with your family?  Volunteer work? Extracurricular sports?  Determine what is non-negotiable in your life. 
• Say no- Determine what your values are and practice saying no. This helps you avoid becoming overcommitted.
• Care- When schedules are cramped, proper self-care is less likely to occur. Do your best to eat healthy, get plenty of rest, and take time for what you enjoy most.

For Work and Family:

• Organize- Is your work space messy? Is your home cluttered?  Taking time to organize will save you time and energy in the long run.  As an added bonus, you will probably get more done in less time.
• Teamwork- Sharing responsibility is one way to lighten the load for everyone. Whether at work or at home, if everyone chips in to get the job done, stress will go down.
• Rewards- Plan at least one fun family activity a week. This will always give you something enjoyable to anticipate.
• Positive- Rather than feeling guilty about what you might need to give up consider all the benefits of a balanced life. Improvements in relationships and work performance are just two of the many positive changes that can occur.

If you are still feeling a lack of control between work and family consider asking a professional for help or even advice.  Often, workplaces have Employee Assistance Programs (EAP) to guide you in these situations.  Remember, life will happen.  When it does, things will typically fall out of balance for a time.  Stay positive.  Use the knowledge you’ve gained, take a step back, and assess.  Proper planning is always a good start to swing an imbalanced life back into perspective. 

 

Want to talk to a counselor today about this? 

Call Amplified Life at 800-453-7733 and ask for your “Free 15 Minute Phone Consultation" with one of our licensed counselors. We’ll listen, answer questions you may have, and help you plan next steps.

 

Sources

http://www.ucdmc.ucdavis.edu/hr/hrdepts/asap/Documents/Balancing_Work_and_Family.pdf

http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-living/adult-health/in-depth/work-life-balance/art-20048134

 

 

Managing Finances

With the average American credit card balance at $11,000, there’s no time like the present to start managing our finances.  Controlling personal cash flow can be difficult.  For most people, the number one problem with money management is they just want more, the higher the amount, the better to support the “buy, buy, buy” culture.  The other reason controlling finances can be complicated is due to the wealth of financial information available.  Knowing where to start can seem overwhelming. 

What is Money Management?

The term “budgeting” is sometimes used synonymously with money management.  Budgeting is simply a means to visualize how much money is coming in, going out, and how it’ll be used in the future.  After all your bills are paid, any surplus is “money in your pocket.”  Extending yourself beyond your means enters you into a liability, or debt.   

 

Financial Management Tips

If your desire is to control your money, instead of the other way around, there are small but significant money principles you can implement now.  Here are a few strategies to help you manage your money:

• Track your spending- The first step to controlling your cash is to track where it goes. Do you know how much you spend in a month on food, rent, utilities, and entertainment?  Write down how much money you use in a one-month period.  There are countless software options and apps for your mobile device to track your spending.  If you have bills you only pay once or twice a year, such as insurance policies, be sure to calculate what the monthly cost of those would be. 
• Make a monthly budget- Having a way to visualize cash flow is necessary for wise financial management. Allocate money each month to begin an emergency fund.  This can then be used for unexpected costs that arise, and it’ll keep you from having to accumulate more debt. 
  • Look for money drains- Are you losing money in ways you could easily avoid? Taking a little time now to price-compare for utilities, phone, cable, and Internet services can really make a difference.  Consider ways to trim your dining and entertainment budgets as well.  Pack your lunch, borrow movies from the library, and cancel magazine subscriptions you no longer use. 
  • Avoid impulse purchases- Buying something you really don’t need might make you feel good in the moment, but chances are, you’ll regret it later. If you don’t have the cash to buy it, you shouldn’t really be considering it.  Delaying gratification and shopping around for the best price can be exciting and rewarding.
• Save first- Deposit the money you want to save each month right away.
  • Pay yourself- When you deposit your savings first, it ensures you’ll actually do it, rather than seeing what’s left over at the end of the month.
  • Save for retirement- It seems obvious to save for the future, but we often prioritize the immediate for the long-term. Many employers offer matching programs for retirement or health savings.  Take advantage of this free money.  Today is the perfect day to start.
• Pay bills on time- Avoid late payment penalties and damage to your credit score. If you struggle to remember, set up a direct bill payment plan through your bank.  You can also make a bill payment calendar manually or through your mobile device. 
• Avoid credit card debt- If you’re unable to pay the balance on your credit cards each month, you should stop using them. It’s too easy to let your credit card debt grow faster than you can pay it off.  Instead, work on paying off the balance to avoid high interest rate charges.  Always pay more than the minimum suggested.
• Know your long-term financial goals- What are your future desires? Would you like to own a home, a new car, or help your kids through college?  Is there a certain age by which you’d like to retire?  There are a variety of tools available online to estimate these costs and help you begin saving for them today.
• Get your credit report and score- It’s important to periodically check your credit report and score for accuracy. Maintaining a high three-digit credit score can yield lower credit rates.
• Reward yourself- Having a special purchase or vacation in mind can be a useful motivator to making small, daily changes. Think about how it will feel to have a credit card or other debt paid off.  Consider how you can celebrate in a financially responsible way. 

If you’re not in a good financial place right now, it won’t help feeling guilty over the money mistakes you’ve made in the past.  Focus on the present and how you can make these simple, small changes to your everyday life.  Wise money management will positively impact you and your family’s life and future.

 

Want to talk to a counselor today about this? 

Call Amplified Life at 800-453-7733 and ask for your “Free 15 Minute Phone Consultation" with one of our licensed counselors. We’ll listen, answer questions you may have, and help you plan next steps.

 

Sources:

http://www.patreasury.gov/assets/pdf/Tips-PersonalFinance.pdf

 

 

Improving Family Relations

Every family is its own unique combination of people and personalities.  Even though they come in all shapes and sizes, healthy families have some commonalities.  A healthy family is comprised of people who love each other and are able to respect each other’s similarities and differences.  Healthy families also know how to compromise, and they are fiercely resilient; they bounce back after crisis and periods of prolonged stress.

Negative Coping Strategies

Obviously, not all families have healthy relationships.  Some members incorporate negative strategies for coping with stress.  Some examples are distancing, overdoing/underdoing, focusing on a child, or jumping into conflict.  These negative ways of managing stress harm the family dynamic:

 

Distancing- This unhealthy strategy occurs when family members avoid conversations together because they are concerned about potential conflict.  They stop sharing their thoughts and feelings and fail to spend real time together.

 

Overdoing/underdoing- With this negative coping method, one or more family members begin to assume the responsibilities of others.  When this happens, the remaining members decrease their efforts.  Family members can easily become stuck in this imbalance of responsibility.

 

Focusing on a child- To avoid conflict, some families will simply focus on a child instead.  When severe stress or fighting begins, children are usually the most vulnerable in the household.  Therefore, parents will focus their attention solely on that child to calm things down.  Their intentions might be good, but often the child reacts to this intense pressure and increased attention.  These children will typically begin to act out or develop physical or emotional symptoms.

 

Conflict- A final negative coping mechanism is conflict itself.  Some families will start an all-out war when they’re stressed, engaging in yelling and emotional abuse.  The smallest disagreement could set someone off, creating a hostile environment. 

 

Tips to Improve Family Relations

There are many positive ways to manage stress and handle conflict.  The following strategies for communication skills, relational values, and personal and family responsibilities provide simple solutions for improving family dynamics:

 

Communication Skills

• Communicate openly- Unlike the negative strategy of distancing, family members feel comfortable asking for help if needed. They’re able to speak up when they disagree.  If they see a different solution to a problem, they voice it.  Because conflict is unavoidable in a family, open communication is essential.
• Think before you speak- Responsible family members think first and then speak. Too often we automatically react to a situation based purely on emotion.  If we are able to create some space and consider the other’s perspective and thoughts, we can focus on responding instead of reacting.  Problem solving and compromise are much easier when they come from a non-reactive place. 

Relational Values

• Explore values- Family members won’t agree on everything. There will be preferences for different hobbies, tastes, or even political or religious views. However, there are common values that family members may choose to share and uphold.  For example, a shared value might be showing mutual respect for all family members.  Another might be to demonstrate appreciation for one another with acts of kindness.  Shared values become the mortar for a strong family foundation.
• Develop one-to-one relationships- In a healthy family unit, every individual has a solid relationship with every other person. No one teams up, complains, or gossips in a family member’s absence.

Personal and Family Responsibilities

• Take personal responsibility- Schedules today are often very full. Families can easily fall out of sync and become unclear about who is doing what.  Certain family members may take on more than what is required of them.  Others might be all too willing to allow that to occur, so they can have fewer responsibilities.  Conflict arises when one assumes another will handle a situation, and they don’t.  In a healthy family, individuals own their personal responsibilities and accept any consequences for failing to do so.  Family members encourage one another and hold each other accountable.
• Ask for help- Stress happens to every family. A strong, healthy family focuses on the positive in challenging times. Family members are able to pull together, share responsibilities, and problem solve.  If the family needs additional help, strong families don’t hesitate to ask for it.  Friends, neighbors, religious communities, or helping professionals all serve as excellent resources for families. 

The success of a healthy family largely comes down to being together.  When you make time for one another, you communicate that you care with more than just your words.  Make time to have fun and celebrate each other’s victories.  Listen to one another’s stories, thoughts, and feelings.  Make memories and laugh together.  When working toward the common goal of a healthy family, everyone has a shared interest in success. 

 

Want to talk to a counselor today about this? 

Call Amplified Life at 800-453-7733 and ask for your “Free 15 Minute Phone Consultation" with one of our licensed counselors. We’ll listen, answer questions you may have, and help you plan next steps.

 

Sources:

http://www.advocatesforyouth.org/publications/1229-strengthening-family-relationships

http://www.childwelfare.gov