sadness

“AMA policy adopted last year identifies loneliness as a public health issue that affects people of all ages.” ~ American Medical Association

February is the month of love and connection. But what if you don’t feel connected? In a January 2020 (pre-lockdown) survey of 10,000 adults, 61% said they were lonely. And loneliness is more than just a mental health issue. It’s been linked to increased heart problems, stroke, and other medical issues. 

According to psychiatrist Dr. Tiffani Bell Washington, MD, MPH, “Loneliness is essentially the feeling of being uncomfortable or in distress when someone feels that there is a gap between the connection they would like and the connection they actually have... You can be in a crowd full of people, you can know all of them, and you can still feel lonely.” 

She added that superficial social connections, no matter how many, don’t really decrease loneliness. “What you really want is something deeper—someone to know you on the inside,” she said. “It's really based on perception of the difference between the relationship you'd like and the relationship that you have with others.”

Types of Loneliness

Loneliness and social isolation are two sides to the same coin. As stated above, a person can be lonely in a crowd. But many people are also at risk for social isolation. These include marginalized populations, older people, and those in remote areas. Either way, the lack of connection to others is detrimental because humans are hard-wired for connection. 

How to Combat Loneliness

When it comes to “fixing” the problem of loneliness, there are two major things to consider: connection with others and connection with ourselves (being content while alone). 

Connecting with others doesn’t have to mean going to crowded places or attending parties every week. Since we long for others who really “get” us, it’s helpful to find those who share our interests, values, and backgrounds. Writers, for example, tend to work in isolation. As a profession, they are often considered introverts. But attending writer’s conferences and joining writer’s groups—either locally or online, offers connection for people who share similar interests and who often view life in comparable ways.

Ways to Connect with Others

• Consider your interests and hobbies, and find groups who share those. If you live in a remote area, find an online group that meets online. 

• Join a community or volunteer organization. Look for someone else who looks lonely and befriend them. 

• Take your lunch to a park or other place and people watch. Even if you don’t talk to anyone, just being around other humans can help you feel less lonely. 

• Find creative ways to connect. If you live far from family and friends, set up online appointments to meet for coffee, dinner, online games, or even watch a movie or sporting event. You can use these to join birthday parties and holiday gatherings too.

• Make a large group smaller. If you’re already in a large group that makes you feel lonely, invite a few people you have something in common with and start a group within a group. This can be a study group, a book club, a dinner club, or anything else that brings a deeper connection.   

Ways to Connect with Yourself (Hint: Self-Care!)

• Learn to relish your alone time. Schedule appointments with yourself to do things you really want to do, that you need to do alone, anyway. Get a massage or a facial. Take a bubble bath. Turn on some of your favorite music, light a candle, read a novel. 

• Reorganize or redecorate a room in your home. 

• Start a new hobby. YouTube is an excellent resource for learning to paint, play guitar, garden, or just about anything else you might be interested in. 

• Go outside. Talk a walk or a jog in a park or around your neighborhood, or simply enjoy a cup of tea while you listen to birdsong. 

• Talk to yourself. Tell yourself the things you’d say to your best friend, if they were feeling disconnected. Remind yourself that you’re amazing, interesting, intelligent, and fun. Do this every day—out loud or in your head. 

Several studies link loneliness with depression, immune suppression, and other health problems. If you’re feeling lonely, it’s important to combat the issue in any way you can. Sometimes you can do all the right things and the loneliness persists. Don’t hesitate to reach out to a therapist who can help you explore ways to bridge the gap between the connections you want and the connections you have. You are worth the effort.

 

Seasonal Affective Disorder is a type of major depression with a seasonal pattern that affects most people in winter, but it can happen at any time of year. 

Winter can bring snowflakes, snowmen, peace, joy, and good tidings. But for people with Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD), winter can also bring serious depression. Each year, around 5% of people in the US experience SAD. This is more than just a case of the blahs and can have a major impact on a person’s ability to function.

Studies show that people with this disorder are at risk when there is less sunlight. Some produce more melatonin than their bodies need, making them sleepy. Others don’t produce enough serotonin or Vitamin D, and the decrease in sunlight exacerbates the problem. Still others are affected when their internal clock (circadian rhythm) is thrown out of whack. 

Who is at risk? 

• 80% of those who have SAD are women. 
• Most symptoms appear between ages 20 and 30, though some may appear earlier. 
• Depending on geographic region, SAD affects from 0-10% of the population. Those further from the equator are at higher risk.
• Those who already have a depressive disorder (or a family member who does) are more likely to be affected.

Are you struggling with SAD? 

Take our quiz. This exercise is confidential and for your reference only. No information is stored or shared. 

Check each box below that applies to you. 

In the past two weeks, I have:

• felt sad for no apparent reason 
• had a hard time laughing at or enjoying things I usually find pleasure in
• struggled with maintaining my weight (gaining or losing significant weight)
• had trouble sleeping (falling/staying asleep or sleeping too much)
• felt like I am moving more slowly than usual
• had low energy for more than half the days
• felt worthless or guilty for no apparent reason
• had a difficult time making decisions
• had thoughts to harm myself or end my life

If you checked more than half of these statements, you may want to reach out to your doctor or counselor about Seasonal Affective Disorder.

Symptoms of SAD:

1. anxiety
2. low energy, sleepiness despite getting plenty of rest, sleep problems
3. withdrawal
4. feeling of sadness, worthlessness, guilt, or having a depressed mood
5. difficulty thinking, concentrating, or making decisions
6. loss of interest in things that usually bring pleasure
7. changes in appetite (often overeating/craving carbs)
8. weight gain
9. increase in purposeless physical activity (pacing, handwringing)
10. slowed movement or speech
11. social problems
12. sexual problems, loss of libido
13. thoughts of death or suicide

Treatments for SAD

Several treatments are available for SAD, including:

1. Light Therapy: Sitting in front of a light box 20 minutes a day can give your body the nutrients it normally gets from the sun. 

1. Counseling/Therapy: A mental health professional can help you recognize negative thought patterns and retrain them.
    
2. Vitamin D: Reach out to your doctor to test your vitamin D levels and take a supplement when needed. 
    
3. Medication: Your doctor may prescribe other medications to help balance your hormones and take the edge off your depression.

Ways to Be Proactive:

In addition to the treatments listed above, here are some other things you can do to stay proactive:  

• Get good sleep. Learn about healthy sleep habits, figure out what changes you need to make, and then keep a routine year-round.
• Get moving. Do your best to stay active, especially during daylight hours. Move your body. Take daily walks. Ride your bike. Stretch. Try doing Pilates or yoga. Join an exercise class. 
• Get more sun. Go outside. Schedule errands when the sun is out. Read a book on your patio. Even sitting by a sunny window can help. 
• Get connected. Try not to isolate.  Spend time with other people. Build a support system. 

Keep in Mind

If your winter blahs last more than a few days or become severe enough to affect your normal routines, reach out to your doctor, a mental health professional therapist, or your EAP for help. An official diagnosis may come when a person has been affected the same way for at least two years in a row, so it’s important to document your symptoms. Remember, this disorder (and many depressive disorders) are often a matter of genetics, hormones, and other factors, and it can happen to anyone. But with the proper diagnosis and treatment, you can get through the winter and all year long.

“There are certain words you and your dying loved one should exchange while you can.” ~ Dr. Ira Byock, author of Dying Well.

Mary never tells her dad she loves him. Rick has said some things to his wife he wished he hadn’t. June and her sister have never gotten along. Nina’s carrying around guilt over something that happened between her and her best friend. Mary, Rick, June, and Nina all have one thing in common. They’re going to lose a person they love. And they’re not ready.      

While no one would choose a terminal diagnosis for someone they love, a drawn-out death offers what a sudden death cannot—time to say goodbye. There’s no doubt these conversations may be some of the hardest you’ll ever have. But deciding to have them anyway can bring peace and closure to you and the dying person and leave you both without regrets.  

What to Expect Near the End 

As you start thinking about losing someone you love, knowing what to expect can take away some fear of the unknown. It can also give you a rough idea of how much time you have left to say goodbye. 

When someone moves into what doctors call “actively dying” and has no medical intervention, they go through 3 stages of death. The process can last as little as 24 hours or longer than 14 days. 

The stages can look like this: 

Early stage: 

• can no longer get out of bed
• doesn’t want to or can’t eat and drink
• sleeps a lot
• has delirium (confusion, hallucinations, restlessness, short attention span)

Middle stage: 

• sleeps most of the time
• harder to wake up 
• can’t swallow
• has a “death rattle” sound when breathing  

Late stage: 

• can fall into a coma 
• may run a fever 
• has irregular breathing; sometimes stops breathing 
• arms and legs can look mottled or blotchy  

 

Why You Need to Say Goodbye to Your Loved One

When someone dies unexpectedly, you may struggle with regrets over what you said or didn’t say and what you did or didn’t do. With a terminal diagnosis, that doesn’t have to happen. You have an opportunity to end things between you and the dying person the way you’d both like. 

Here are some things you might want to do:   

• talk through unresolved issues or conflicts 
• make amends for something you might’ve done 
• let go of resentments you’re holding against them
• work to heal any old wounds either of you is hanging onto 
• bring up good memories you share
• share your appreciation for who they were to you and the impact they had on your life

 

Dr. Ira Byock wrote a book called Dying Well. As a hospice advocate, he believes there are certain words you and your dying loved one should exchange while you can.  

These are some things you might want to say: 

• I love you
• I forgive you
• Forgive me
• Thank you
• Goodbye

Why Your Loved One Needs to Hear You Say Goodbye to Them

Sometimes, a dying person will cling to life when they believe the people who love them aren’t ready for them to go. They may also be afraid or struggle with what they’re leaving behind or what they’re about to face. Reassuring them can bring the relief and release they need. It can also bring you both comfort. 

Here are some things a dying person might need to hear:

• It’s okay to go when you’re ready.
• Don’t be afraid.
• I’ll be all right without you.
• I’ll take care of the things you’re worried about leaving behind.

The chance to say goodbye is a gift. Moving forward with no regrets after your loved one’s death is also a gift. You’ll never be sorry for using the time you have left with them to work things out, say what needs to be said, or tell them how much they mean to you.

The chance of experiencing loss in your lifetime is 100 percent. Everyone encounters significant loss at some point, and grief is the emotional reaction to that loss. Whether you face the death of a beloved family member or pet, see a marriage or job crumble, or watch your health or finances diminish, some level of grieving will occur.

Grief is both universal and unique in its nature. Two people experiencing the same loss might react   very   differently   depending   on   their relationship to whom or what is being grieved.

It’s not uncommon to experience sleeplessness, weight  loss  or  gain,  or  a  weakened  immune system. Chronic illnesses may become worse due to the stress of grieving.  Emotional responses may range from anger, sadness, guilt, fear, or anxiety to moments of relief, peace, or even happiness.

THE FIVE STAGES OF GRIEF

While  there  is  no  normal  or  expected  grief response, there are five common stages, observed by  psychiatrist  Elisabeth  Kübler-Ross,  through which many people walk. These stages include:

 

1. Denial - Disbelieving the current reality as a way of coping with overwhelming facts.
2. Anger - Initial emotional reaction to awareness of loss.
3. Bargaining - Adjusting to loss through use of negotiation, compromise, or resolutions.
4. Depression   -   Overwhelming   feelings   of helplessness and hopelessness.
5. Acceptance - Coming to terms with the loss; sadness begins to give way to hope.

COMMON MYTHS ABOUT GRIEF

No two individuals will follow the same grief path or timetable. Grieving is an intensely personal experience, and no one should determine what is grief-worthy for another. There is no “normal” or standard protocol that fits everyone. Here are some other common misconceptions:

 

• If you just ignore the loss, the pain will go away.
• It’s important for you to stay strong at all times.
• Tears are directly proportionate to the level of your loss.
• After one year, you should be completely over all aspects of your loss. 

 

ACTION STEPS

There are many useful ways to move from a place of grief to a life of healing and hope.

✓  Talking  about  the  loss  with  family  and friends can aid healing.

✓  Emotional  reactions  of  all  sorts  (anger, sadness, bitterness, envy) are normal.

✓  Give yourself permission to experience a wide range of emotions and not feel guilty.

✓  Take care of yourself with good nutrition, exercise and rest.

✓  Avoid relying on caffeine, alcohol or other drugs as a means of self-medicating.

KEEP IN MIND

Coping with  grief and  loss  takes  time  and involves learning to live with the loss without being consumed by it.  Consider reaching out to your health  care  provider and  engaging other counseling resources for guidance on next steps.

What steps will you take today to help yourself heal and recover?

Want to talk to a counselor today about this? 

Call us at 800-453-7733 and ask for your “Free 15 Minute Phone Consultation" with one of our licensed counselors. We’ll listen, answer questions you may have, and help you plan next steps.