conflict

Parenting doesn’t need to be a war between you and your child. Effective discipline is proactive, and it encourages positive actions and personal responsibility. It promotes your child’s self-esteem and strengthens relationships between you, your child and their siblings.

WHY CHILDREN MISBEHAVE

Kids truly do mean well and do their best to behave. Sometimes they will fall short of our behavioral expectations. There are several factors contributing to both your child’s behavior and your reaction. 

Consider the following:

• What is the specific behavior?
• How do you feel about it?
• What is your personality type? Your child’s?
• Why do you think they’re behaving this way?
• Where is the behavior occurring? Who is there,when it happens?
• Is  anything  impacting  or  preventing  your response to it?

ACTION STEPS

Positive  discipline  trains  children  to  behave without resorting to bribes, threats, yelling, or even physical actions. The following strategies will help you channel your child’s energy (and yours) into a more desirable outcome:

 ✓  Refrain from saying “no” – There’s something about being told “no” that makes children (or adults) want to do something all the more. Instead, offer an alternative.

✓ Control  yourself  –  Children  watch  their parents. You’re modeling for them what is acceptable. If you yell, they will also. Take steps to remain calm and keep the situation from escalating.

✓ Consistency – We sometimes overlook or address behaviors based on the situation and our own energy level. This can confuse a child. Be clear and consistent with expectations.

✓ Good behavior counts – Too often we give our kids more attention when they misbehave. When we choose to ignore negative behaviors and highlight a good behavior instead, we show our kids what we truly value.

✓ Avoid bribery – When we offer our children bribes as incentives, they don’t associate good behavior as the reward itself. Help your child see that good behavior and choices bring their own rewards.

✓ Give options – There’s nothing wrong with giving your child choices. For example, if a child is fighting with their sibling, explain to them you only have enough energy to either listen to their squabble or do something fun later.

✓ Rewards   –  Incentives  can  be  powerful motivators for positive behavior.

✓  Responsibility – Trusting children to take care of certain tasks should be seen as a privilege. Responsibility is a reward in itself. When it is framed this way, children will naturally desire to behave in a positive manner to gain more responsibilities.

✓ Your attention – Giving a child your love, understanding  and  attention  is  the  best reward for them. Setting aside time every day to spend with your child is the best way to influence their lives.

KEEP IN MIND

Raising healthy, well-behaved children takes time,  consistency  and  patience.  Long-term habits in anyone’s life require time, and children are no exception. The best results are not always immediate. Stick with it and continue reinforcing your commitment, and remember a licensed counselor or therapist can help you explore how to implement these methods. Loving your child is always a worthwhile investment with life-long returns.

Want to talk to a counselor today about this? 

Call us at 800-453-7733 and ask for your “Free 15 Minute Phone Consultation" with one of our licensed counselors. We’ll listen, answer questions you may have, and help you plan next steps.

Getting Along With Your Parents

Navigating a healthy adult relationship with your parents can sometimes be difficult.  On one hand, they might still attempt to treat you like a child.  On the other, you may begin assuming a more parental role as they age.  Sometimes we want them to still nurture and care for us, and in other instances, we want to be treated as independent adults. 

Potential Problems

You and your parents are not the same people.  They are unique and so are you.  They might have different values, beliefs, interests, and priorities than you, and that’s natural.  Healthy adult relationships can appreciate both the similarities and differences.  However, this knowledge does not mean there won’t be challenges.  Here are some examples of how we might encounter problems with our parents: 

• Disagreements on how to parent and raise our own children
• Being financially dependent on our parents
• Differing core values and beliefs (political, cultural, spiritual, etc.)
• Arguments on their future medical care or living arrangements
• Resentment over childhood issues
• Continual complaining or criticism

Mutually Beneficial Relationship

Having a healthy adult relationship with your parents is possible and a worthwhile investment.  The following are guidelines on how to begin accepting your parents and building a mutually beneficial relationship: 

 

Accepting Parents

• Don’t fix- It’s acceptable to set boundaries and tell your parents what you do and don’t tolerate in your home and with your children. Be mindful though that your parents are who they are. So think about what it would look like to accept them without trying to change them.
• Don’t blame- Try being empathic with your parents. Be objective about who they are and their family history.  Avoid blaming them for your problems, as this won’t benefit you or your relationship.
• Respect their freedom- Making assumptions about your parents’ lives is never helpful. They might not want to babysit your children every time you go out or fix an appliance when it breaks.  Take responsibility for your own life.  Respect that they are adults too, and they value independence just like you do. 

Being Assertive

• Practice honesty- Your parents can’t read your mind. Be honest about who you are, what you want, and what’s important to you.  It’s unfair to expect them to know unless you tell them.
• Don’t focus on approval- When you were a child your life may have centered on your parents’ approval. As an adult you need to decide what kind of person you want to be and what’s important to you, whether your parents agree or not.  It’s natural to desire your parents’ approval, even as an adult, but this approval is no longer necessary for your life decisions.  
• Grow up- Asking your parents to do things you’re capable of doing isn’t mature. If you want to be treated like an adult, it’s important to act like one.
• Don’t ask for advice- Unless you really need your parents’ insight, don’t ask for advice. Often we ask for counsel when we’ve already mentally made our decision.  This opens the potential for conflict if they disagree with your pre-determined choice. 
• Practice forgiveness- Allow yourself to make mistakes. You might disappoint your parents, but making choices is part of adulthood.  Forgive yourself and move forward. 

Building Relationships

• Share activities- Spend time doing things you and your parents both enjoy. What activities are mutually beneficial and strengthen your relationship?  When you can look forward to time together rather than dread the interaction, your relationship with them will improve.
• Build a legacy- Consider helping your parents preserve their history and memories. You might learn things about yourself or gain a greater understanding of their background.  Photos, videos, and written memoires capture a legacy to share with other family members and grandchildren.

Managing Conflict

All relationships experience conflict, and the parent/adult child interaction is no different.  Even though it might seem easier to cut all ties, this isn’t wise.  Though it might feel better in the short-term, shutting out your parents will not resolve emotional problems. 

 

You should handle conflict with your parents like you would with any other adult that you respect.  Good communication, as you would have with a friend or coworker, is vital.  Problems are not necessarily character flaws, and they can be opportunities for growth and change. 

The transition from the parent/child to the parent/adult child relationship doesn’t need to be stressful. The turbulent adolescent years are over, and it’s possible for your relationship with your parents to blossom even more.  Though you are grown never assume your parents aren’t interested in the details of your life.  Share your dreams and goals just as you would with another friend.  Investing in a healthy adult relationship with your parents is beneficial and worthwhile; so take advantage of the opportunities while they are available. 

 

Want to talk to a counselor today about this? 

Call Amplified Life at 800-453-7733 and ask for your “Free 15 Minute Phone Consultation" with one of our licensed counselors. We’ll listen, answer questions you may have, and help you plan next steps.

 

 

Sources:

http://www.aarp.org/home-family/friends-family/info-04-2013/parenting-adult-children-family-relationships.html

 

 

 

 

 

Dealing with Difficult Personality Traits

Individuals all around us have their own unique personality.  Undoubtedly, we all encounter individuals from time to time with personalities that are challenging, negative, and even aggressive.  Being able to recognize and successfully interact with these individuals enables us to turn a potentially difficult situation into a positive one. When we better understand individuals with difficult personalities, it keeps us from taking things personally.  Additionally, we can help create a safe and productive environment for others. 

Some of the more dominant difficult personality traits include:

• Hostile people- These individuals are often abusive and intimidating, finding pleasure in the fear they create. They enjoy reacting, so they’ll wait for others to challenge them.   
  • How to handle hostile people:
    • Find ways for them to let off steam and calm down without becoming abusive. Perhaps, encourage them to take a run or go to the gym.
    • Address them by name, and calmly state what you want to discuss. Do not engage them in an argument. 
    • Set boundaries. Try not to engage with them in front of an audience, as this will trigger a larger reaction.
  • Narcissistic people- These individuals are interested in being the center of attention as often as possible. They want to look like the expert who can do everything better than you.
    • How to handle narcissistic people:
      • Refuse to argue or act like you know more than they do.
      • Explain that you would like to use your knowledge too. They might be more open to this suggestion and cooperate more.
    • Passive aggressive people- These individuals are sly and cunning when they undercut authority. They will insult people in a sarcastic way and claim they are just joking.  Passive aggressive people will never directly address issues with you.
      • How to handle passive aggressive people:
        • Try to focus on the issue and not the person. This helps the individual not to personalize what is being directed at them.
        • Confronting this personality trait in public will only make them react. In private, be clear that you will not tolerate their sarcasm and undercutting.
      • Negative people- People with this personality trait distrust anyone in power or authority. They are the only ones who know the right way and can find a downside to anything.  Negative people express doubt in response to most any solution proposed. 
        • How to handle negative people:
          • Focus on the facts of a situation. Trying to emphasize solutions will not help as these individuals are typically more invested in the persistence of the problem than in finding the solution.
          • Refuse to argue with them. Instead, ask them what would be different if the problem was solved.
        • Antisocial people- These individuals resist attempts to be engaged socially, making it impossible to know what they are thinking or doing. Antisocial people typically distrust others and assume everyone is against them.
          • How to handle antisocial people:
            • Use open-ended questions when you speak to them. This forces them to not answer with a simple, one-word answer. 
            • Be comfortable with silence. You may have to wait it out until they feel comfortable to share their thoughts, opinions, and/or feelings.

Consequences of Dealing with Difficult People

While avoiding a discussion with a difficult person is worse, there are still possible unpleasant effects to a confrontation. 

• Guilt- Family members and loved ones can struggle with responsibility for the person’s behavior. They may feel caught between offering support and enabling the person’s negative behaviors.
• Internalization- Sometimes we can take the difficult person’s behavior personally, struggling with what’s been said or done to us.
• Grief- Family members might experience symptoms of depression and anxiety themselves, potentially impacting their marriage or other relationships. They might also grieve the relationship they feel they lost or never had with the difficult individual. 

Coping with Difficult People

Knowing how to handle and react to difficult personality traits is beneficial in all environments.  Here are some common strategies to deal with all difficult personality styles.

• Address- Don’t ignore people and pretend they don’t exist. Ignoring the problem, or the person, won’t make the situation go away.  Chances are it will only grow, so the responsible thing to do is to address the person and the issue. 
• Express- Remember, you probably don’t have the whole picture. You may not know all that’s happened in the individual’s background, their mental health, or the past crises they may have faced.  Empathize and express compassion.
• Assess- Consider your own emotions. If you’re having a particularly stressful day and can’t seem to remain calm, it’s not the right time to address issues with a difficult person.  Staying calm and neutral is the best way to approach and deal with difficult people. 

Dealing with difficult personality traits in the people we love or work with requires effort.  It can be frustrating and discouraging at times, but if you are able to persist and communicate with compassion, you might find a solution to the challenge.   

 

Want to talk to a counselor today about this? 

Call Amplified Life at 800-453-7733 and ask for your “Free 15 Minute Phone Consultation" with one of our licensed counselors. We’ll listen, answer questions you may have, and help you plan next steps.

Sources:

Source: http://mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/personality-disorders/basics/definition/CON-20030111