conflict

Parenting doesn’t need to be a war between you and your child. Effective discipline is proactive, and it encourages positive actions and personal responsibility. It promotes your child’s self-esteem and strengthens relationships between you, your child and their siblings.

WHY CHILDREN MISBEHAVE

Kids truly do mean well and do their best to behave. Sometimes they will fall short of our behavioral expectations. There are several factors contributing to both your child’s behavior and your reaction. 

Consider the following:

• What is the specific behavior?
• How do you feel about it?
• What is your personality type? Your child’s?
• Why do you think they’re behaving this way?
• Where is the behavior occurring? Who is there,when it happens?
• Is  anything  impacting  or  preventing  your response to it?

ACTION STEPS

Positive  discipline  trains  children  to  behave without resorting to bribes, threats, yelling, or even physical actions. The following strategies will help you channel your child’s energy (and yours) into a more desirable outcome:

 ✓  Refrain from saying “no” – There’s something about being told “no” that makes children (or adults) want to do something all the more. Instead, offer an alternative.

✓ Control  yourself  –  Children  watch  their parents. You’re modeling for them what is acceptable. If you yell, they will also. Take steps to remain calm and keep the situation from escalating.

✓ Consistency – We sometimes overlook or address behaviors based on the situation and our own energy level. This can confuse a child. Be clear and consistent with expectations.

✓ Good behavior counts – Too often we give our kids more attention when they misbehave. When we choose to ignore negative behaviors and highlight a good behavior instead, we show our kids what we truly value.

✓ Avoid bribery – When we offer our children bribes as incentives, they don’t associate good behavior as the reward itself. Help your child see that good behavior and choices bring their own rewards.

✓ Give options – There’s nothing wrong with giving your child choices. For example, if a child is fighting with their sibling, explain to them you only have enough energy to either listen to their squabble or do something fun later.

✓ Rewards   –  Incentives  can  be  powerful motivators for positive behavior.

✓  Responsibility – Trusting children to take care of certain tasks should be seen as a privilege. Responsibility is a reward in itself. When it is framed this way, children will naturally desire to behave in a positive manner to gain more responsibilities.

✓ Your attention – Giving a child your love, understanding  and  attention  is  the  best reward for them. Setting aside time every day to spend with your child is the best way to influence their lives.

KEEP IN MIND

Raising healthy, well-behaved children takes time,  consistency  and  patience.  Long-term habits in anyone’s life require time, and children are no exception. The best results are not always immediate. Stick with it and continue reinforcing your commitment, and remember a licensed counselor or therapist can help you explore how to implement these methods. Loving your child is always a worthwhile investment with life-long returns.

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Individuals with threatening, intimidating and negative personality traits undermine relationships, households and organizations. Individuals all around us have their own unique personalities. Undoubtedly, we all encounter individuals from time to time with personalities that are challenging, emotionally abusive and even aggressive. When we better understand individuals with difficult personalities, it keeps us from taking things personally, and enables us to help create a safe and productive environment for others.

Some of the more dominant difficult personality traits include:

 

• Hostile people – These individuals are often abusive and intimidating, finding pleasure in the fear they create.  They enjoy reacting, so they’ll wait for others to challenge them.
  
  
• Narcissistic people –  These  individuals  are interested in being the center of attention as often as possible.  They want to look like the expert who can do everything better than you.
  
  
• Passive-aggressive people – These individuals are  sly  and  cunning  when  they  undercut authority. They will insult people in a sarcastic way and claim they are just joking.
  
  
• Negative people – People with this personality trait distrust anyone in power or authority. They are the only ones who know the right way and can find a downside to anything.
  
  
• Antisocial people – These individuals resist attempts to be engaged socially, making it impossible to know what they are thinking or doing.  Antisocial people typically distrust others and assume everyone is against them.

 

ACTION STEPS

 

When interacting with hostile people:

✓  Find ways for them to let off steam and calm down without becoming abusive.

✓  Address them by name, and calmly state what you want to discuss.

✓  Set boundaries and avoid engaging them in front of an audience. 

 

When interacting with narcissistic people:

✓  Refuse to argue or act like you know more than they do.

✓  Explain  that  you  would  like  to  use  your knowledge too.

 

✓  Set   clear   boundaries,   expectations   and consequences.

 

When interacting with passive-aggressive people:

 

✓  Focus on the issue, not the person, and limit potential for personalizing.

✓  Meet with the individual in private or with one of your managerial peers.

✓  Let them know you will not tolerate their sarcasm and undercutting. 

 

When interacting with negative people:

✓ Focus on the facts of a situation and what needs to happen next.

✓  Avoid  engaging  in  discussion  or debate about possible solutions.

✓  Instead, ask them what would be different if the problem was solved.

When interacting with antisocial people:

✓ Use  open-ended  questions  when  you speak to them and engage them.

✓  Be comfortable with silence and wait for them to respond.

✓  Build rapport casually rather than engaging intensely too quickly.

 

KEEP IN MIND

 

Dealing with difficult personality traits in the people we love or work with requires effort, and it can be frustrating and discouraging. Remember, you’re not alone when it comes to figuring out how to work with those who have some of these traits. Consider engaging a life coach or counselor for guidance on next steps.

 

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Getting Along With Your Parents

Navigating a healthy adult relationship with your parents can sometimes be difficult.  On one hand, they might still attempt to treat you like a child.  On the other, you may begin assuming a more parental role as they age.  Sometimes we want them to still nurture and care for us, and in other instances, we want to be treated as independent adults. 

Potential Problems

You and your parents are not the same people.  They are unique and so are you.  They might have different values, beliefs, interests, and priorities than you, and that’s natural.  Healthy adult relationships can appreciate both the similarities and differences.  However, this knowledge does not mean there won’t be challenges.  Here are some examples of how we might encounter problems with our parents: 

• Disagreements on how to parent and raise our own children
• Being financially dependent on our parents
• Differing core values and beliefs (political, cultural, spiritual, etc.)
• Arguments on their future medical care or living arrangements
• Resentment over childhood issues
• Continual complaining or criticism

Mutually Beneficial Relationship

Having a healthy adult relationship with your parents is possible and a worthwhile investment.  The following are guidelines on how to begin accepting your parents and building a mutually beneficial relationship: 

 

Accepting Parents

• Don’t fix- It’s acceptable to set boundaries and tell your parents what you do and don’t tolerate in your home and with your children. Be mindful though that your parents are who they are. So think about what it would look like to accept them without trying to change them.
• Don’t blame- Try being empathic with your parents. Be objective about who they are and their family history.  Avoid blaming them for your problems, as this won’t benefit you or your relationship.
• Respect their freedom- Making assumptions about your parents’ lives is never helpful. They might not want to babysit your children every time you go out or fix an appliance when it breaks.  Take responsibility for your own life.  Respect that they are adults too, and they value independence just like you do. 

Being Assertive

• Practice honesty- Your parents can’t read your mind. Be honest about who you are, what you want, and what’s important to you.  It’s unfair to expect them to know unless you tell them.
• Don’t focus on approval- When you were a child your life may have centered on your parents’ approval. As an adult you need to decide what kind of person you want to be and what’s important to you, whether your parents agree or not.  It’s natural to desire your parents’ approval, even as an adult, but this approval is no longer necessary for your life decisions.  
• Grow up- Asking your parents to do things you’re capable of doing isn’t mature. If you want to be treated like an adult, it’s important to act like one.
• Don’t ask for advice- Unless you really need your parents’ insight, don’t ask for advice. Often we ask for counsel when we’ve already mentally made our decision.  This opens the potential for conflict if they disagree with your pre-determined choice. 
• Practice forgiveness- Allow yourself to make mistakes. You might disappoint your parents, but making choices is part of adulthood.  Forgive yourself and move forward. 

Building Relationships

• Share activities- Spend time doing things you and your parents both enjoy. What activities are mutually beneficial and strengthen your relationship?  When you can look forward to time together rather than dread the interaction, your relationship with them will improve.
• Build a legacy- Consider helping your parents preserve their history and memories. You might learn things about yourself or gain a greater understanding of their background.  Photos, videos, and written memoires capture a legacy to share with other family members and grandchildren.

Managing Conflict

All relationships experience conflict, and the parent/adult child interaction is no different.  Even though it might seem easier to cut all ties, this isn’t wise.  Though it might feel better in the short-term, shutting out your parents will not resolve emotional problems. 

 

You should handle conflict with your parents like you would with any other adult that you respect.  Good communication, as you would have with a friend or coworker, is vital.  Problems are not necessarily character flaws, and they can be opportunities for growth and change. 

The transition from the parent/child to the parent/adult child relationship doesn’t need to be stressful. The turbulent adolescent years are over, and it’s possible for your relationship with your parents to blossom even more.  Though you are grown never assume your parents aren’t interested in the details of your life.  Share your dreams and goals just as you would with another friend.  Investing in a healthy adult relationship with your parents is beneficial and worthwhile; so take advantage of the opportunities while they are available. 

 

Want to talk to a counselor today about this? 

Call Amplified Life at 800-453-7733 and ask for your “Free 15 Minute Phone Consultation" with one of our licensed counselors. We’ll listen, answer questions you may have, and help you plan next steps.

 

 

Sources:

http://www.aarp.org/home-family/friends-family/info-04-2013/parenting-adult-children-family-relationships.html

 

 

 

 

 

Conflict Resolution for Couples

All relationships experience conflict.  Even a good relationship has its share of ups and downs.  What makes a healthy relationship is not a lack of conflict.  How both partners manage and resolve conflict determines an open, honest, and successful relationship.

Causes of Conflict

 

There is no shortage of potential conflicts for relationships today given the external and internal stressors we all face.  Fears, differences, and expectations also play a large role in relational troubles.  Some partners fear rejection or a loss of independence.  Conflict might arise as a result of the couple’s different personalities, values, or beliefs.  Perhaps, one partner is expecting too much of the other.  When a couple is unable to agree on what the problem is, it is unlikely they will agree on how to solve it.  These are all common reasons for relational conflicts. 

 

Tolls on a Relationship

Resolving issues in a relationship requires work, but the toll of unresolved conflict is even greater.  These byproducts cause stress that flows into other areas of our lives, affecting us physically, emotionally, and financially.  Couples may experience a decrease in intimacy, as well as feelings of resentment, relational insecurity, and financial instability.  Communication might become difficult, as conversation about anything other than the conflict decreases.  Individuals may also experience lower self-esteem as a result of unresolved conflict.

 

Dealing with Conflict

There are healthy and unhealthy ways of dealing with conflict.  When one partner makes all the decisions, the other might feel undervalued and resent this misuse of power.  On the flip side, if both partners avoid conflict, the problem will linger and escalate.  Partners will continue to play their roles to the best of their abilities, but the problem will never be resolved if it’s not addressed.  These are both examples of unhealthy ways to deal with conflict.

 

The best strategy for approaching conflict is for both partners to share their thinking, knowing the relationship itself gets the final vote.  Many times if a couple can focus on what’s best for the relationship as a whole, they are able to put aside their individual preferences and find compromise. 

 

Conflict Resolution Process

Here are some practical guidelines to help you work through potentially difficult relationship conversations:

1. Be respectful- The words we speak only comprise a percentage of what’s communicated. Pay attention to both the verbal and nonverbal messages you are sending.  Details like how you sit, your tone of voice, and the words you choose should communicate to your partner how much you value them.  This will also demonstrate your commitment to the relationship.
   1. Yelling- The volume of your voice will not change your partner’s mind. A gentle tone might diffuse the situation and allow for open dialogue.  Conversely, yelling could anger one or both of you and discourage your partner from further communication.
   2. Positives- Try to focus on each other’s strengths and positive attributes. Discuss how you’ve overcome past obstacles without going into detail.  Knowing you’ve already worked through past challenges will help you stay realistic as you face this conflict.
   3. Affirm- Start and end by affirming your love. While your partner may know you love them, expressing it again communicates that you value their thoughts and feelings.  It might even help calm the situation.
2. Use active listening- Do your best to understand the thoughts and feelings behind your partner’s words and body language. This is called active, or empathic listening.  Put yourself in your partner’s shoes to experience what they are saying and feeling.  You should be able to explain back to them how you understand their take on the situation. 
   1. Ownership- Consider that you also might have made a mistake. If you are willing to explore how your actions made your partner feel, you’re more likely to make positive changes.  In turn, your partner’s likelihood to consider his or her role in the problem increases. 
   2. Cool down- If you’re extremely angry, you might need some time to cool down before you can truly hear what your partner is saying. Take a step back and a quick time-out before resuming conversation.  This will help keep emotions under control. 
3. Share your side- Explain your feelings, needs, and understanding of the situation. Be as brief and factual as possible without shaming your partner.  Share your emotional response to the situation.  Offer your suggestion for how to resolve the conflict.
   1. Trigger words- Avoid generalizations, exaggerations, and words like “always” and “never.” Give clear, specific examples instead of sweeping statements like, “You never do this,” or “You always do that.”
   2. Emotional abuse- Name-calling and other insults may feel good in the moment, but you will regret this behavior. Emotional abuse is not worth it.

Learning to work through conflict in a relationship might not happen overnight.  Be patient, as constructing a solution takes time and practice.  However, the more you’re able to hear each other and control your emotional reactivity, the greater the energy you’ll have to work on the relationship and create a viable solution. 

 

Want to talk to a counselor today about this? 

Call Amplified Life at 800-453-7733 and ask for your “Free 15 Minute Phone Consultation" with one of our licensed counselors. We’ll listen, answer questions you may have, and help you plan next steps.

 

Sources:

http://oscr.umich.edu/article/tips-and-tools-constructive-conflict-resolution

http://www.ces.ncsu.edu/depts/fcs/pdfs/fcs-466-4.pdf

 

 

 

 

 

 

Conflict Resolution

Everyone faces conflict in varying degrees at some point in life.  Because conflict happens in any relationship, including those at work and at home, no one is immune to its complexities.  How we choose to deal with conflict is unique, as everyone brings his or her own personality and experiences to these difficulties.

Conflict Defined

A conflict is a difference of opinions, priorities, or perspectives, whether friendly or hostile.  Because people react differently to conflict, the situation may be difficult to assess.  Sometimes people disguise conflict in sarcasm or cynicism, or they pretend the problem doesn’t exist. How you perceive it largely determines the role it will play in your life.  Those who view conflict as a threat usually experience anxiety and stress, and those who see it as an opportunity for growth can overcome it and even benefit from conflict.

 

Conflict in the Workplace

One environment where conflict is common is in the workplace.  We spend the bulk of our time there and often can’t choose our co-workers.  Since conflict is inevitable, there are real benefits to improving your resolution skills.  Some of the paybacks include improved relationships, a smoother working environment, fewer delays in production, increased communication, and improved health as tension symptoms decrease.  The following strategies will help you in your workplace conflict resolution:

• Create acceptable behaviors- If you are an employer, provide a handbook of policies outlining acceptable ways to resolve conflict. Give clear examples to demonstrate and model good behavior for your team.  If you are the employee who is caught in a conflict situation, establish what acceptable and unacceptable forms of behavior are.  This will serve as a guide to know if you or someone else is crossing a line.
• Tackle potential conflict- If you sense tension in the workplace, take a proactive stance. Does a relationship feel strained, or do you feel a disagreement brewing?  Calmly confront the other individual with honesty.  This could prevent a future blowup from occurring. 
• Choose your battles- Not every little item is worth the conflict. There are times to take responsibility for your own emotions, perspectives, and opinions.  But there are also legitimate reasons to resolve conflict between you and a co-worker.  Knowing when to let things slide and when to take action about conflict makes for a more successful work environment.  
• See growth in conflict- Being able to resolve conflict in relationships is a sign of maturity. When you are able to view conflict, at work or home, as an opportunity for growth instead of something to be avoided, you will be able to reach a resolution more easily and earn the respect of others. 

Take Action through Listening

In the middle of a conflict, you might find yourself tuning the other person out to better prepare your argument.  If you find yourself waiting your turn to speak instead of legitimately listening, you will probably remain stuck right in the middle of the problem.  The following tips demonstrate how to resolve conflict with listening skills:

• Listen actively- Active listening aims to understand the thoughts, feelings, and emotions behind what the other person is saying. What are the assumptions, cultural values, and beliefs behind his or her message?  What does their body language say?  Paying attention to these details will also help you understand what is motivating their behavior and help you be able to put yourself in their shoes. 
• Acknowledge the message- You don’t have to agree with the other person to respect and validate their opinion. Recognize their value as a fellow human being and affirm the importance of their beliefs.  Listening is a way to communicate their worth and your respect, both in your verbal and nonverbal language. 
• Know your message- Before you respond, consider your own emotions and thoughts about the situation in conflict. Gather these thoughts before the conversation occurs, so that you can be prepared and be ready to listen to the response.  Otherwise, you may be tempted to form your own rebuttal while the other person is speaking.  Pre-determine how you can best communicate your needs, interests, values, and principles.

 

Conflict in life is guaranteed and often it will be unexpected.  When you are able to calmly respond to an individual your viewpoint is more likely to be understood.  No one wants to feel like the other person is simply trying to win an argument.  Using statements beginning with “I” instead of “you” is another helpful way to diffuse tension.  For example, “I felt frustrated when you didn’t follow through with your commitment,” is very different than, “You never do what you promise.”

 

Some conflicts simply cannot be resolved without a mediator of some sort, so don’t feel discouraged if you have to bring in a third party.  If you are facing a tough situation, reach out to a neutral person, like a licensed counselor or therapist or your human resources officer.

 

The long-term effects of unresolved conflict are often far more damaging than the short-term discomfort of resolving them.  With the right mindset and a little practice, you will start seeing conflict as a growth opportunity, one that will help you achieve your goals and create healthy relationships. 

 

Want to talk to a counselor today about this? 

Call Amplified Life at 800-453-7733 and ask for your “Free 15 Minute Phone Consultation" with one of our licensed counselors. We’ll listen, answer questions you may have, and help you plan next steps.

 

Sources

http://oscr.umich.edu/article/tips-and-tools-constructive-conflict-resolution

http://www.forbes.com/sites/mikemyatt/2012/02/22/5-keys-to-dealing-with-workplace-conflict/

Dealing with Difficult Personality Traits

Individuals all around us have their own unique personality.  Undoubtedly, we all encounter individuals from time to time with personalities that are challenging, negative, and even aggressive.  Being able to recognize and successfully interact with these individuals enables us to turn a potentially difficult situation into a positive one. When we better understand individuals with difficult personalities, it keeps us from taking things personally.  Additionally, we can help create a safe and productive environment for others. 

Some of the more dominant difficult personality traits include:

• Hostile people- These individuals are often abusive and intimidating, finding pleasure in the fear they create. They enjoy reacting, so they’ll wait for others to challenge them.   
  • How to handle hostile people:
    • Find ways for them to let off steam and calm down without becoming abusive. Perhaps, encourage them to take a run or go to the gym.
    • Address them by name, and calmly state what you want to discuss. Do not engage them in an argument. 
    • Set boundaries. Try not to engage with them in front of an audience, as this will trigger a larger reaction.
  • Narcissistic people- These individuals are interested in being the center of attention as often as possible. They want to look like the expert who can do everything better than you.
    • How to handle narcissistic people:
      • Refuse to argue or act like you know more than they do.
      • Explain that you would like to use your knowledge too. They might be more open to this suggestion and cooperate more.
    • Passive aggressive people- These individuals are sly and cunning when they undercut authority. They will insult people in a sarcastic way and claim they are just joking.  Passive aggressive people will never directly address issues with you.
      • How to handle passive aggressive people:
        • Try to focus on the issue and not the person. This helps the individual not to personalize what is being directed at them.
        • Confronting this personality trait in public will only make them react. In private, be clear that you will not tolerate their sarcasm and undercutting.
      • Negative people- People with this personality trait distrust anyone in power or authority. They are the only ones who know the right way and can find a downside to anything.  Negative people express doubt in response to most any solution proposed. 
        • How to handle negative people:
          • Focus on the facts of a situation. Trying to emphasize solutions will not help as these individuals are typically more invested in the persistence of the problem than in finding the solution.
          • Refuse to argue with them. Instead, ask them what would be different if the problem was solved.
        • Antisocial people- These individuals resist attempts to be engaged socially, making it impossible to know what they are thinking or doing. Antisocial people typically distrust others and assume everyone is against them.
          • How to handle antisocial people:
            • Use open-ended questions when you speak to them. This forces them to not answer with a simple, one-word answer. 
            • Be comfortable with silence. You may have to wait it out until they feel comfortable to share their thoughts, opinions, and/or feelings.

Consequences of Dealing with Difficult People

While avoiding a discussion with a difficult person is worse, there are still possible unpleasant effects to a confrontation. 

• Guilt- Family members and loved ones can struggle with responsibility for the person’s behavior. They may feel caught between offering support and enabling the person’s negative behaviors.
• Internalization- Sometimes we can take the difficult person’s behavior personally, struggling with what’s been said or done to us.
• Grief- Family members might experience symptoms of depression and anxiety themselves, potentially impacting their marriage or other relationships. They might also grieve the relationship they feel they lost or never had with the difficult individual. 

Coping with Difficult People

Knowing how to handle and react to difficult personality traits is beneficial in all environments.  Here are some common strategies to deal with all difficult personality styles.

• Address- Don’t ignore people and pretend they don’t exist. Ignoring the problem, or the person, won’t make the situation go away.  Chances are it will only grow, so the responsible thing to do is to address the person and the issue. 
• Express- Remember, you probably don’t have the whole picture. You may not know all that’s happened in the individual’s background, their mental health, or the past crises they may have faced.  Empathize and express compassion.
• Assess- Consider your own emotions. If you’re having a particularly stressful day and can’t seem to remain calm, it’s not the right time to address issues with a difficult person.  Staying calm and neutral is the best way to approach and deal with difficult people. 

Dealing with difficult personality traits in the people we love or work with requires effort.  It can be frustrating and discouraging at times, but if you are able to persist and communicate with compassion, you might find a solution to the challenge.   

 

Want to talk to a counselor today about this? 

Call Amplified Life at 800-453-7733 and ask for your “Free 15 Minute Phone Consultation" with one of our licensed counselors. We’ll listen, answer questions you may have, and help you plan next steps.

Sources:

Source: http://mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/personality-disorders/basics/definition/CON-20030111

 

 

Managing Conflict

Conflict is inevitable in any relationship.  From family dynamics to workplace environments, everyone experiences some degree of relational struggles.  Avoiding conflict, or merely pretending it doesn’t exist, will only make the situation worse.  In fact, how we handle that conflict largely determines the effect it has on our lives. 

We benefit when we pay attention to conflict.  Perhaps it’s pointing to a need for better communication or a change in how we’re doing something.  Conflict is also an opportunity to learn more about others and ourselves; we can even use it to grow as an individual or organization.

Conflict Management Ideas

The following tips for managing conflict will show you how to turn a potentially negative experience into an opportunity for positive change:    

           

Overall Attitude

• Stay Calm- You may not be involved in a particular conflict, but how you react to it can have positive or negative effects. If you remain neutral, your calmness can actually help people find a solution.  Otherwise an angry or frustrated reaction might add more “fuel to the fire” and escalate the conflict.  How do you stay neutral?
  • Avoid trigger words- Stay away from exaggerative words, such as “always” and “never.” Try to stay objective and refrain from emotionally charged words and aggressive nonverbal language like crossing your arms, rolling your eyes, or pointing a finger.
  • Use diffusing language- Speak with “I” statements as opposed to “You” statements. This wording focuses on the specific conflict and how you’re reacting to it. For example, “I felt nervous when you didn’t return my phone call because our project is due tomorrow.  I prefer that you give me updates, so I know where we stand.”
• Know you might disagree- People can often see the same event but have entirely different viewpoints about what happened. You don’t have to agree about the nature or source of a problem.  It’s enough to both acknowledge that the situation will continue to cause problems unless something is done. 

Listening

• Separate feelings from facts- When you’re really listening to a person, you can separate your feelings about the person from the facts of the actual problem. Avoid mentally labeling the person with negative traits.  Instead, focus on this as a specific situation you can help solve. 
• Practice active listening- Hear the words and the messages the person is sharing. Try to understand the thoughts, feelings, and perspectives behind their words.  When you open yourself up to active, or empathetic, listening, you can see the situation through their eyes.  Repeat back what you’re hearing to confirm whether you understand them correctly. 

Speaking

• Ask questions- When emotions run high, it can be difficult to pinpoint the exact problem. Asking good questions can help determine the nature of the problem.  For example:
  • What caused the conflict to occur?
  • What did you or the other person want to happen?
  • What are you afraid might happen? What are you afraid of losing?
  • Are your emotions appropriate for the situation? Too extreme?
  • How are you both invested in finding a solution?
• Discuss values- Even if you don’t agree with the other person’s perspective, you can still understand the motivation behind it. Chances are you both share common values, such as respecting others or doing your best work.  When you find common ground it makes the differences less intimidating.

Brainstorming Solutions

• Think outside the box- If you’re constantly arguing or hitting the same brick wall, your normal methods for solving conflict are not working. Get creative and be open to new problem solving strategies. 
• Be future-oriented- Avoid drudging up past grievances or staying locked on the current issue. When our time is spent trying to pin the blame on another we never move forward.  Instead, if both parties work toward a solution, blame becomes less important.  The goal is to not have the same issue repeating or causing the same consequences in the future.
• Be clear- Many times we’ll agree on a solution but have vague ideas of what that entails. When two people leave with very different pictures of the same solution, it’s a set-up for another conflict.  Instead, be sure to craft a clear solution that has measurable, specific steps toward the outcome.  Individuals should understand their role to ensure everyone’s on the same page.
• No unnecessary people- As a general rule of thumb, avoid bringing in additional people to the conflict. Venting about the person involved might feel good in the moment, but it will only add to the complexity.  Rumors can spread easily, and gossip only escalates the problem. 

Conflict can be a difficult situation in any relationship, but avoiding or reacting aggressively is never helpful.  However, with the right tools, a calm perspective, and an open mind, finding a solution and maintaining the relationship is possible.    

 

Want to talk to a counselor today about this? 

Call Amplified Life at 800-453-7733 and ask for your “Free 15 Minute Phone Consultation" with one of our licensed counselors. We’ll listen, answer questions you may have, and help you plan next steps.

 

Sources: http://oscr.umich.edu/article/tips-and-tools-constructive-conflict-resolution

 

Workplace Conflict Resolution

Conflict is inevitable.  Wherever there is relationship, there will always be occasional moments of friction.  Workplace conflict does not always signal a serious problem.  However, failure to handle conflict in a productive way will make the situation worse. The end result is usually lower team morale, higher absentee rates, and lower productivity.  Many times when conflict occurs we gravitate to one of two extremes, either avoiding it or battling it out.  This rarely results in conflict resolution.

Conflict Causes

What are the causes of conflict?  There are as many potential conflicts as there are unique personalities present in your workplace.  There really are endless reasons for conflict to arise, but the most common ones are listed here:

• Lack of communication- People have different styles of communicating and relaying information. Misunderstandings can easily happen in person and over email.
• Different personalities- Personalities may clash when people don’t understand each other well. The problem itself is not the differences, but the unwillingness to recognize them.
• Lack of motivation- Sometimes people aren’t performing well and don’t really care. When this goes unaddressed, conflict ensues.
• Lack of resources- Occasionally, people will compete for resources when there is not enough time or materials to get every task finished.
• Different values- People view the world in different ways. Failing to acknowledge and respect these differences results in conflict. 
• Ignoring facts- Viewing situations from emotion and opinion rather than accepting facts will bring difficulty for you and your coworkers.

Dealing with Conflict

There are healthy and unhealthy ways of handling conflict.  Some unhealthy ways include avoiding conflict, blaming others or circumstances, competing with one another, appeasing others, and giving in to others for a temporary solution.  A healthier approach toward conflict resolution is to compromise and collaborate toward a positive result.  

 

Positive Resolution Strategies

The obvious goal is a unified approach to optimal performance within the workplace.  When resolutions are reached, everyone wins.  Getting there can be difficult, so here are some practical steps to help you reach positive results. 

• Focus on results- The ultimate goal when conflict arises is not to “win your argument.” The purpose is to resolve the issue and get results. 
• Communicate in-person- Conflicts should be addressed face-to-face. A phone call is the next best option if an in-person meeting is not possible.  Avoid emails or written correspondence, as these usually lead to greater misunderstanding.
• Be proactive- Try to catch conflict “sparks” before they blaze out of control. Identify potential triggers and address them early, on the front-end.  This is especially helpful before tempers flare.

The following steps will help lead you toward a positive resolution:

1. Define the problem- It’s important to verbalize what you think is causing the conflict. This helps others understand your perspective, and allowing others to do the same gives greater insight into their thought processes as well.
2. Define motivations- Next, everyone should share why they want to resolve this conflict. Explain how resolution will make a difference in their lives and in the workplace as a whole.
3. Brainstorm- Third, give each person involved an opportunity to express how he or she would like to see the problem handled.
4. Implement- Lastly, outline the steps needed to implement these changes. What does the end result look like? 

Play Fair

Here are some additional tools to stay fair when trying to resolve a workplace conflict: 

• Stay current- It’s important to stay on the present issue when discussing frustrations and problems. Dragging up past grievances will confuse the situation.  It will also add new, unhelpful emotions to the situation and keeps people from staying objective. 
• Avoid trigger words- Emotionally charged words, such as “always” and “never” only add to the brewing tension. Try to begin your sentences with “I,” instead of “you,” which sounds accusatory.  For example: “I became frustrated when you failed to meet your weekly deadline.” 
• Don’t triangulate- Triangles occur when you go to a third party to complain about the person with whom you’re in conflict. Gossip defeats the purpose of resolution.  It’s counterproductive, will distort your ability to be objective, and will make the other person defensive.
• Take a time out- You might need to take a step back to remain calm in the situation. Time outs are an excellent tool to keep emotions from taking over the discussion. 
• Find a mediator- Some conversations are just too difficult or heated without an objective third party. Having an extra set of eyes and ears in a situation can be very beneficial.  Many companies have human resource representatives trained in conflict resolution. 

Conflicts generally result from a clash of perspectives, so choose to view this as an opportunity to see things differently and experience growth.  Avoiding conflicts will not equip you to handle them better in the future.  The more you strive toward workplace resolution, the more of a problem solver you can be in other areas of life.  The benefits of conflict resolution such as improved relationships, increased productivity, and less stress, far outweigh the costs of conflict. 

 

Want to talk to a counselor today about this? 

Call Amplified Life at 800-453-7733 and ask for your “Free 15 Minute Phone Consultation" with one of our licensed counselors. We’ll listen, answer questions you may have, and help you plan next steps.

 

Sources

http://hr.colorado.edu/fsap/healthtips/Pages/Resolving-Workplace-Conflict.aspx

http://www.forbes.com/sites/mikemyatt/2012/02/22/5-keys-to-dealing-with-workplace-conflict/