relationship

Coping With A Loved One's Suicide

When a loved one dies by suicide, it is common to feel shocked, confused, angry, sad, or any combination of emotions. Due to the stigma surrounding suicide, survivors might have a difficult time reaching out to find support to help process through the grief.  

Immediate Considerations

Losing a loved one to suicide is a shock in itself. While nothing can prepare you for this situation, knowing the following, or sharing them with others, can be helpful.

• Police may have to get involved to investigate the death. Often, they will be looking to make sure that it was indeed a death by suicide and not made to look like a suicide by someone else. In the process, they may need to take possessions, letters, or other items. Be sure to keep an inventory of what was taken so it can be returned, and keep in mind that police may also want to question some family members.
• You do not have to speak with media, if they become involved. If you do, consider selecting a spokesperson from the family, or one reporter to talk to, that you can then refer others to.
• It may be necessary for someone to identify the body. If this step is not applicable, keep in mind that you may still want to view the body, to say goodbye. It is wise to consider the nature of the death and if choosing to see the body would be the most helpful choice for you. Research has shown that many survivors who choose to see the body believe it was the right choice.
• It is personal preference on how much information to include in an obituary, however, including the cause of death might help answer questions that you won’t have to answer in person later, prevent rumors, and help garner necessary support.

When planning the funeral, some funeral homes or religious beliefs may not be in the habit of handling deaths by suicide. Make sure to speak with funeral homes and any clergy members involved to make sure that your loved one’s death will be treated with support and dignity.  

Coping with Suicide Grief

Grief is a complex process of emotions, memories, and adjustments. There is no right or wrong way to feel, and most suicide survivors report feeling some of the following:

• Shock
• Denial
• Rejection
• Anger
• Guilt
• Confusion
• Blame
• Relief
• Shame
• Isolation

Grief following a death by suicide is complex. Often, survivors feel like they cannot talk about it, because of how suicide is perceived in society. Survivors may often feel angry at the deceased, which can cause confusion since they are also sad about the death. Suicide can also cause survivors to feel traumatized, as the sudden and sometimes violent nature can leave lasting thoughts and memories that are hard to ignore.

These factors, and more, can compound the intense feelings of grief and can prevent any healing from occurring. If you are coping with suicide grief, one of the first things to do is find a support system. Handling grief alone is not a beneficial method, so consider speaking with a trusted family member or friend, a mental health professional, or joining a support group for suicide survivors. There are many resources available and can be found through agencies like the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, which can be found online at www.afsp.org.

Helping Others Cope with Suicide Grief

If someone you know is a suicide survivor, there are things that you can do to help. While it might seem most comfortable to give them space, this could leave them feeling isolated and ashamed. You may not feel totally competent in helping others with suicide grief, but some of the following activities can be a great help.

• Listen – Active listening and a loving presence can provide tremendous support to a survivor. It is not necessary to “have the answer” or know the right words to say, and actually, some statements can leave the survivor feeling misunderstood or more upset. Instead, focus on the words that are being shared and actively choose to be compassionate, understanding, non-judgmental, and patient. Some of the information shared might seem repetitive or confusing to you, but just giving them a chance to share it can make a huge difference.
• Offer Your Help – When mourning a loss, family and friends often need more help with day to day tasks such as grocery shopping, preparing meals, running errands, and watching children or pets. You can ask “What can I do to help?” or better yet, offer to help with a specific task and let them know when you are available to do so.
• Build A Legacy – Some families may struggle to discuss memories of the person who died, and may even struggle to state the name of the person. It is kind to follow the lead of those closest to the deceased, but it can be helpful to remember the deceased and join in on sharing memories when the time is right. You can also consider donating to a memorial or attending a Suicide Awareness walk in memory of the deceased.
• Be There Long Term – Grief is an ongoing process, and as the weeks, months, and years continue on, a survivor may need more assistance around certain Holidays, days, or anniversaries. Sending a card or calling to check in can be thoughtful and helpful. You will not be reminding them of the loss; likely, they never forgot it in the first place.

 

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Call us at 800-453-7733 and ask for your “Free 15 Minute Phone Consultation" with one of our licensed counselors. We’ll listen, answer questions you may have, and help you plan next steps.

 

Sources

• http://www.survivorsofsuicide.com/help_heal.shtml
• http://www.suicidology.org/suicide-survivors/suicide-loss-survivors
• https://afsp.org/find-support/ive-lost-someone/
• https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/end-of-life/in-depth/suicide/art-20044900
• https://www.health.harvard.edu/blog/suicide-survivors-face-grief-questions-challenges-201408127342

Leaving an Abusive Relationship

Domestic abuse is defined as a pattern of behaviors used by one partner to maintain power and control over another partner in an intimate relationship. Every abusive relationship is different, but there is one commonality: the abusive partner does many things to establish and maintain power and control over their partner.

Domestic abuse can include physical and sexual violence, threats and intimidation, emotional abuse, and economic deprivation. A relationship does not need to be violent to be abusive, but the danger of being seriously injured or killed greatly increases within relationships that include physical and sexual violence.

People who are in an abusive relationship may feel confused, afraid, angry, or trapped. All of these emotions are normal responses to abuse. If you are in an abusive relationship, you may also blame yourself for what is happening, but the truth is that you are never responsible for your partner’s abusive behaviors.

Despite promises and pleas from the abusive partner, change rarely occurs. Rather, the intensity and frequency of the abuse often increases and escalates over time.

How to Get out of an Abusive Relationship

Abusive partners often do and say things to shift the blame onto the victim or even deny that the abuse ever took place. There are many other reasons people stay in abusive relationships and leaving can often be very complicated.

Leaving can also be the most dangerous time for a victim of abuse. Because abuse is about power and control, leaving the relationship is the victim taking control and the abusive partner’s power is threatened. This could cause the abusive partner to retaliate in destructive ways.

If you are in an abusive relationship, there is help available to you. There are local, state, and national organizations dedicated to helping you leave, be in a safe space, and gain control of your life and wellbeing. These organizations can help you create a safety plan.

A safety plan will map out preparing to leave, when you leave, and after you leave. It will plan ways to cope with emotions, tell friends and family about the abuse, take legal action, and more. Having a safety plan laid out in advance can help you protect yourself in stressful moments.

Preparing to Leave

As mentioned above, leaving an abusive relationship can escalate the abuse. It is important to take certain actions as you are preparing to leave:

• Keep evidence of physical abuse (pictures of injuries)
• In a safe place, keep a journal of all violent incidences (noting dates), and of events and threats made, if possible
• Know where you can get help. Tell someone what is happening to you
• If you are injured, seek medical help and ask that your visit is documented
• Plan with your children and identify a safe place for them
• Contact your local shelter and find out about laws and other resources available to you before you have to use them during a crisis
• Try to set money aside or ask family or friends to hold money for you

Leaving an Abusive Relationship

As you create your safety plan, you can make a plan for how and where you will escape quickly. You may ask for a police escort or stand-by when you leave. If you have to leave in a hurry, try to take as many of the following items as possible:

• Driver’s license/identification/passports
• Birth certificate and children’s birth certificates
• Social security cards
• Checking/savings account books, money, financial information
• Legal protective order (if you have one in place)
• Copies of lease/rental agreements or deed to your home
• Car registration and insurance papers
• Health and life insurance papers
• Medical records for you and your children
• Medications
• Valuable jewelry
• Pictures/sentimental items

After you Leave

There are precautions to take after you leave to keep you and your family safe. Below are some examples, though you may want to collaborate with domestic abuse organizations that can help you  create a detailed safety plan specific to your situation.

• Call law enforcement to enforce the protective order and give copies of the restraining order to employers, neighbors, and school officials along with a picture of the offender
• Get caller ID and screen your calls, maintain a different daily routine, go to work different hours and take a different route
• Change the route in taking your children to and from school, or consider changing their schools
• Use different stores and reschedule appointments the offender may be aware of
• Install security systems if possible, and replace wooden doors with steel or metal doors

Though leaving an abusive relationship can be complicated and require many changes in your life, there is help available to you for every step along the way.

 

Want to talk to a counselor today about this? 

Call us at 800-453-7733 and ask for your “Free 15 Minute Phone Consultation" with one of our licensed counselors. We’ll listen, answer questions you may have, and help you plan next steps.

 

Sources:

https://www.thehotline.org/help/

https://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/domestic-violence-and-abuse.htm

 

When a Loved One is Incarcerated

There are often emotional, relational, and financial implications when a loved one is incarcerated. The time served does not only affect the incarcerated. Family members commonly express feelings of guilt, shame, or embarrassment. Whether the imprisoned is a spouse, partner, or dependent, emotional concerns for their well-being are normal and can take over daily life.  

 

Beyond emotional adjustments, family members must manage new expectations and routines. What will the “new normal” look like? Relationships may feel the strain as families sort through the logistics of visitations, communication, finances, or other challenges. Whether you have an imprisoned family member or friend, you may find the following information helpful.

 

When a Child is Incarcerated

Having an incarcerated child is a reality no parent is hoping to experience. As much as you find yourself waiting for phone calls or worrying about your child, it’s important to continue to live your life. There are caring individuals ready to help you transition during this difficult family time.

• Professional Support Systems- Though many parents express feelings of shame, embarrassment, and regret, you are not alone. A professional counselor, religious leader, or even a trusted friend or family member can help you process through these emotions. Find people in similar situations or consider joining a support group. Family counseling is also a helpful outlet for each member to share about how the current situation is affecting them. Life will continue to move on, and it’s important you’re able to function as your best possible self.
• Care Networks- Additional responsibilities, such as other children or employment, could hinder your availability to attend court dates or visitation times. Have childcare options or other resources available to afford those opportunities to you. If finances are tight, think creatively: trade off childcare responsibilities with a friend in exchange for a meal, light housekeeping, or a time you watch their children.
• Communication- Phone calls, emails, letters, and personal visits are wonderful tools to maintain relationships during a time of imprisonment. Not only does it provide you with a measure of comfort, it gives your loved one a sense of hope and excitement. Communication from a parent or guardian can offer the prisoner a sense of connection, dignity, and acceptance.
• Finances- Tax dollars do provide housing and food, but many prisons require inmates to pay for their own clothing, toiletries, shoes, and communication charges like phone calls and computer time. Decide how much you are able and willing to send to help offset these fees.
• Research- Since policies can change or differ between prisons and jails, learn the visitation procedures. Know what it requires and expects of you in terms of schedule, forms of identification, and what you’re allowed to bring or carry in with you.

An Incarcerated Spouse or Partner

Imprisonment is not an easy life circumstance. Support is necessary for both you and your incarcerated spouse/partner. Consider the following as you determine how much support you’re able to give while maintaining your daily responsibilities.

• Family Meetings- Undoubtedly, people will have questions about what’s happening. While it may or may not be appropriate or legally wise to discuss the details, your family unit is likely experiencing mixed feelings. Talking through as many details as possible could greatly benefit your family members.
• Consider the Children- It is confusing for a child to understand why a parent is gone. In a developmentally appropriate way, be honest with your child about the situation. Allow them opportunities to ask questions or speak their feelings. Encourage other adults to always speak respectfully about the child’s parent in front of them.
• Visitation with Children- Some prisons have specific programs in place to allow incarcerated parents time with their children. If you bring your child to visiting hours, be mindful to educate them ahead of time about the changes they will see in their parent, such as appearance and clothing. Talk to them about the prison setting, going through security, and following specific rules.
• Financial Implications- An important step is to review your budget. Do you want to maintain your current lifestyle while your spouse/partner is incarcerated? You may find you need to increase your income or cut back on expenses. Estimate expenditures you’ll acquire from visitation times. Gas money or bus fare to and from the prison should be included in your budget. Remember to factor in money you may need to deposit into your spouse’s inmate account for necessary charges and fees.

It is helpful for families to remember that today is not forever. Though feelings of anger and blame are natural, be courageous and seek to forgive your loved one for choices made. Remind yourself why you have hope for the incarcerated. Use this circumstance to plan where you’d like your life to go from here. Write a new ending. Change is possible, and your future is hopeful.

 

Want to talk to a counselor today about this? 

Call us at 800-453-7733 and ask for your “Free 15 Minute Phone Consultation" with one of our licensed counselors. We’ll listen, answer questions you may have, and help you plan next steps.

 

Sources:

https://oureverydaylife.com/cope-loved-one-2036873.html

http://www.prweb.com/releases/2013/4/prweb10679159.htm

https://www.fashionbeyondforty.com/2017/02/how-to-cope-when-loved-one-is-in-prison.html

http://thebereavementacademy.com/grieving-incarcerated-loved-one/

 

 

 

 

 

When a Loved One Dies

 

Dealing with the emotions that follow the death of a loved one can make any task difficult. Planning the funeral and facilitating the process of getting matters in order can add stress to an already challenging situation. Having some direction can help to make sure that the proper steps are taken, and that nothing important is overlooked.

 

Immediate Checklist

 

After a loved one dies, first reactions can vary from depression to anger to shock, and anything in between. While you might feel lost, confused, or helpless, there are some important steps that need to be taken as soon as possible following the death of your loved one. The sooner these actions can be carried out, the sooner you can guarantee that communication is moving forward that will work to honor the life of the deceased, and protect assets and other wishes through legal and administrative matters.

 

1. Arrange Transportation: Your loved one might have died at a hospital or other facility. If so, ask about the procedure for storage and delivery of the body to a funeral home or other location. If the death occurred elsewhere, calling 911 is the best place to start. Selecting a funeral home as soon as possible, and notifying them, will also be helpful as they can help with transporting the body of the deceased to the right locations. If the deceased was an organ donor, notifying medical staff as soon as possible can make sure that this wish can be carried out to save other lives.
2. Make Contact: Call close family and friends of the deceased. This can help to identify who knew what funeral arrangements the deceased might have specified, and can help to locate these details to help with the next steps. It is also a thoughtful step to take, and could be helpful to designate certain people to do this job.
3. Secure Valuables: To prevent any further difficulties, ask someone to check on the property of the deceased. Make sure the car, home, and other valuables are locked or taken care of. If the deceased had pets, arrange for care.
4. Plan the Funeral: Having written instructions from the deceased can be helpful with this step. If there are no written directions, consider involving those closest to the deceased and facilitate a conversation to organize the arrangements. This will include details such as if a religious tradition should be involved, choosing cremation or burial, contributions to a charity, and if there will be a meal after any services.
5. Prepare the Obituary: Consider what information you may want to include and to look into newspaper rates and other guidelines.
6. Take Care of Matters: Having a few certified copies of the Death Certificate will help to complete taking care of financial, administrative, and other estate issues. A few places to consider contacting include
   • Secretary of State to cancel the Driver’s License and prevent identity theft
   • Insurance Companies to cancel payment and tie up loose ends
   • Credit Card companies to cancel cards and check about interest rates and payments that need to be made
   • Banks and other financial institutions
   • Probate attorney, lawyer, or whoever has knowledge of executing a will that was left by the deceased
   • Utility companies to cancel and pay bills
   • Other social media, technology, or email accounts may need to be shut down.
7. Self-Care: With all of the necessary responsibilities and heightened emotions, it can be tough to take time to grieve and to speak with your loved ones. Remember to ask for help and to take care of your basic needs, including food, hygiene, and relationships.

 

Funeral Assistance

 

Some people might have prepared for funeral expenses by paying early on. If you are not familiar with funeral costs, familiarize yourself with the Funeral Rule, enforced by the Federal Trade Commission, so you know what funeral homes are obligated to do to ensure that prices are fair.

 

If you find yourself in need of assistance in paying for a funeral, consider these options:

• Ask for Help: Friends and family might be willing to pitch in, so don’t think that finances are only left to you. Some people have used crowdfunding or fundraising to make this a reality. Other sources of help could include the employer of the deceased, or leadership of any groups that the deceased was involved with; sometimes they have programs to help with funeral costs. Another option could include donating the body to science.
• Organizations: Some non-profit organizations have programs to help the community cover funeral costs. The Salvation Army and Red Cross are two examples, and Angel names and The SIDS Foundation offer assistance for infants. There are also state or federal assistance programs available, and can be reached by contacting your county’s Coroner. Keep in mind, that some qualification might be required for these.
• Veteran Benefits: Keep in mind that if your loved one was a veteran, there might be extra assistance or options for the funeral to consider.

 

Want to talk to a counselor today about this? 

Call us at 800-453-7733 and ask for your “Free 15 Minute Phone Consultation" with one of our licensed counselors. We’ll listen, answer questions you may have, and help you plan next steps.

 

Sources

• http://www.planningafuneral.com/important-information.aspx
• https://www.funeralwise.com/etiquette/how-to-dress-for-a-funeral/
• http://www.legalvoice.org/after-death-occurs-checklist
• https://www.aarp.org/home-family/friends-family/info-06-2012/when-loved-one-dies-checklist.html

 

 

 

 

 

 

Pets and the Benefits They Offer

History has provided a long account of humans enjoying the company of animals. At times, animals have served as valuable resources to accomplish tasks like farming or transportation. Nowadays, the roles of animals have changed and many are commonly housed and cared for as pets.

Some people prefer cats and others prefer dogs. There are some people who also choose reptiles, amphibians, fish, rodents, or spiders. Still others prefer horses, pigs, or birds. Perhaps a pet is chosen based on a person’s lifestyle or personality, but there are some themes that ring true for why a person chooses to have a pet…and many benefits that arise from doing so.

Health Benefits

There have been numerous studies done to show what effect pets have on humans. While there is limited knowledge in explaining exactly how this happens, statistics are showing the following benefits:

• Decreased blood pressure
• Decreased cholesterol and triglyceride levels
• Decreased feelings of loneliness
• Increased chance of physical, outdoor activity
• Increased chances for socializing
• Improved quality of life

Other health benefits of consistent exposure to pets that have some strong science behind them include

• Decreased chance of developing animal allergies
• Increased emotional awareness
• Decreased stress, anxiety, and depression

It is important to consider that there is a difference in the type of pet and the above outcomes. For example, dog owners specifically have a higher likelihood to be more physically active.

Developmental Benefits for Youth

Research has shown that animals are also beneficial for youth. Early exposure to animals might contribute to decreased chances of developing animal allergies, and increased emotional awareness. Many kids also have stated that their pets are their best friends, or are a great source of comfort to them when they are upset. Participating in the care of having a pet can also help to teach responsibility and care for other living things, which can boost a child’s social and emotional intelligence, as well as their work ethic.

Emotional Benefits

Being around animals has many emotional advantages. Pet owners report less stress and a higher quality of life than non-pet owners. Many people report that the unconditional love that pets offer is very healing and comforting. Having the right pet can also help to give you a sense of purpose, which will fuel your sense of self and motivation. For those with mental health concerns, such as Anxiety, Depression, or Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, having an animal around can provide a dramatic enhancement in wellness efforts. Trained service animals are utilized to help people with a variety of conditions such as blindness, diabetes, Alzheimer’s, and PTSD. These animals are valuable companions for their owners.

There are many Animal Assisted Therapies that are making a difference in people’s lives, as well. Hospitals across the country have started to allow dogs and cats to visit patients, asserting that it increases morale and recovery. Mental health care is also being revolutionized as some counselors are incorporating time and activities working with animals into sessions for their clients. Dogs and horses are common choices for this type of therapy and help to add an active and experiential component that aids in treatment.

Stress and Animals

Taking care of an animal is a commitment. Once you own a pet, you are responsible for providing appropriate shelter, food, medical care, training, and exercise. However, for all of the burdens that owning a pet can add, one of the main reports of pet-owners is that having a pet decreases the total amount of stress in their lives.

Finding the Right Pet for You

How do you know what pet will be right for you? Here are some questions that can help you to narrow down the list to the ideal pet for your lifestyle.

• What is your schedule like?
  • For example, are you away from home for long periods time? Are you a morning or evening person?
• Do you travel often?
  • Some animals can be left alone more easily than others, so you will want to be prepared to have someone watch your pet or have it taken care of at another location.
• Where are you living?
  • Some rentals have rules about what animals are allowed.
  • You want to consider having enough space and a home that can maintain the right equipment for your pet.
• Can you afford a pet?
  • Keep in mind that some expenses are unexpected.
• What experience do you have with animals?
  • If owning a pet will be a new experience for you, make sure you do some research about training, equipment, and any other information that can be helpful.

Speaking with your family and friends can be very helpful as they might have suggestions or tips for you. Doing research online and by reading books is also essential. Many times, you can find local places where you can adopt a pet and meet it before you bring it home. Try contacting your local Humane Society, animal shelter, or other rescue organizations. You can also start your search online at websites like petfinder.com – a directory of adoptable pets from shelters and rescue organizations nationwide. It is recommended to do some research to make sure you are adopting from a humane source, so consult with the American Kennel Club to find reputable breeders, and make sure to check out breed rescue organizations. If you are not in the position to own a pet right now, you might want to consider volunteering or working at a local shelter, barn, or other location where you can work with animals. That way you can still get some of the benefits until you are able to have a pet of your very own.

 

Want to talk to a counselor today about this? 

Call Amplified Life at 800-453-7733 and ask for your “Free 15 Minute Phone Consultation" with one of our licensed counselors. We’ll listen, answer questions you may have, and help you plan next steps.

 

Sources

• https://www.cdc.gov/healthypets/health-benefits/
• https://newsinhealth.nih.gov/2009/February/feature1.htm
• https://habri.org/

 

Healing after Infidelity

For many individuals, the opportunity to enter into a relationship outside of marriage or a committed relationship has presented itself. It might be with a co-worker, new acquaintance, high-school fling, or an online contact. When a couple has committed to an exclusive and permanent relationship, engaging in unsuitable interactions can break trust and tarnish the marriage or long-term relationship. For those who believe in the permanence of marriage or commitment, finding a way to heal after these events is vital.

Defining Infidelity

The basic translation of infidelity is “unfaithful.” Being unfaithful might include a variety of actions, including emotional, physical, and mental choices. While physical infidelity can be the most obvious, including hand-holding, caressing, kissing, and sexual acts, it is not the only way to cheat. Engaging in an emotional affair can also cause damage to a marriage.

Upon being discovered, the person who is in an emotional affair may claim that it is just a “friendship.” However, it is different than making a new friend; an emotional affair includes deep conversations about matters that should be and previously were reserved for the spouse. Often, the person experiences a need to hide this relationship, but works to make sure that specific time and effort are put into it.

Healing after an affair is possible, and the following tips can help it along.  

For the Spouse who Cheated

1. End the Affair – One of the quickest things that can be done to encourage healing and re-build trust in your long-term relationship is to stop talking to and seeing your previous lover. Promise to your spouse that you will not interact with this person anymore. If you work with the person, keep interactions professional and tell your spouse. You might want to look into getting a new job. Alternatively, consider blocking their contact info in your phone or computer.
2. Be Honest – Speaking with your significant other is going to be difficult. If you want to build up trust, the best thing to do is to answer any question that they ask. If they find out details about the affair later, they might feel newly betrayed which can delay healing and reconciliation.
3. Empathy and Patience – Betrayal is a difficult barrier to get over, especially if you are angry that your partner can’t “get over it.” Your choices had a strong effect on your significant other, causing pain and breaking trust; the sooner you offer them understanding, the better chance that healing can occur. Also, try not to expect a quick reconciliation as there will probably be a lot of tears, questions, anger, and conversations before you are completely forgiven.
4. Own Up – Take responsibility for your choices and your part in the affair. Blaming your partner for anything that you believe led you to cheat on him/her will not bring healing. Apologize for what you did, and the pain you caused. Admit to what you have done wrong in the relationship, and commit to working on those issues.

For the Spouse who was Betrayed

1. Ask Questions – While it may seem counter-intuitive, having more information can help bring about healing. The more you talk with your significant other, the more you can learn about what choices she made, and what choices she wants to continue to make. Your partner can use this time to re-build a sense of trust, as she chooses to embrace honesty as an important part in your relationship again. Questions may range from facts about the affair, to asking about the weak points in your own relationship that might need to be strengthened. You should also consider asking about what your partner wants for the future, including if she want to continue seeing the lover, repair your relationship, seek counseling, or something else.
2. Control Your Emotions – This is an emotional situation, but adding intense reactions to your conversations with your partner will not be helpful. If you want to gain a sense of understanding and healing, practice taking deep breaths throughout the conversation. If your significant other sees that you are upset, it might prevent him from sharing all of the information that needs to be said.
3. Focus on the Affair – Take time to focus on the affair and take a time-out if needed. Use this time to talk about your feelings with your partner: your worries, upset, shame, and feelings of betrayal.  As you move forward in repairing your relationship, it can be helpful to limit how long you talk about the affair. Try limiting conversations to 30 minutes, or so. Ask questions as they come up so that you do not develop a long set concerns or feel too upset. Your spouse might struggle with a sense of self during this time, so limiting conversation time can be productive for both of you.
4. Focus on Your Relationship – It will be important to re-build a sense of intimacy with your partner, especially as he is distancing himself from his lover. Spend time together to help build connection and enjoyment around shared activities, fun events, and meaningful friends and family. Re-discover what your values and goals are and discuss these. Talk about the things that you want to work on together, to make your relationship strong.
5. Find Support – Joining a support group or speaking with a counselor can help you process this situation. You might consider seeking individual support, or support that is geared for you and your significant other together. It might be helpful to include some friends or family members, especially if they knew about the affair. Healing the relationship will include having supportive family and friends who can encourage and help you practice forgiveness to your partner.
6. Forgive – Forgiveness does not mean that you are okay with what happened. Take your time to process through your thoughts and feelings surrounding the affair. When you are ready, forgiving your significant other will help you to get rid of negative feelings and will help you to move forward. 

 

Want to talk to a counselor today about this? 

Call Amplified Life at 800-453-7733 and ask for your “Free 15 Minute Phone Consultation" with one of our licensed counselors. We’ll listen, answer questions you may have, and help you plan next steps.

 

 Resources Used

• http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/infidelity/art-20048424
• http://www.rd.com/advice/relationships/15-steps-to-surviving-an-affair/
• http://www.leaderu.com/offices/stoll/marriage.html
• https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/life-gets-better/201406/emotional-affairs-why-they-hurt-so-much
• http://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/features/emotional-cheating-guilty#1

Conflict Resolution for Couples

All relationships experience conflict.  Even a good relationship has its share of ups and downs.  What makes a healthy relationship is not a lack of conflict.  How both partners manage and resolve conflict determines an open, honest, and successful relationship.

Causes of Conflict

 

There is no shortage of potential conflicts for relationships today given the external and internal stressors we all face.  Fears, differences, and expectations also play a large role in relational troubles.  Some partners fear rejection or a loss of independence.  Conflict might arise as a result of the couple’s different personalities, values, or beliefs.  Perhaps, one partner is expecting too much of the other.  When a couple is unable to agree on what the problem is, it is unlikely they will agree on how to solve it.  These are all common reasons for relational conflicts. 

 

Tolls on a Relationship

Resolving issues in a relationship requires work, but the toll of unresolved conflict is even greater.  These byproducts cause stress that flows into other areas of our lives, affecting us physically, emotionally, and financially.  Couples may experience a decrease in intimacy, as well as feelings of resentment, relational insecurity, and financial instability.  Communication might become difficult, as conversation about anything other than the conflict decreases.  Individuals may also experience lower self-esteem as a result of unresolved conflict.

 

Dealing with Conflict

There are healthy and unhealthy ways of dealing with conflict.  When one partner makes all the decisions, the other might feel undervalued and resent this misuse of power.  On the flip side, if both partners avoid conflict, the problem will linger and escalate.  Partners will continue to play their roles to the best of their abilities, but the problem will never be resolved if it’s not addressed.  These are both examples of unhealthy ways to deal with conflict.

 

The best strategy for approaching conflict is for both partners to share their thinking, knowing the relationship itself gets the final vote.  Many times if a couple can focus on what’s best for the relationship as a whole, they are able to put aside their individual preferences and find compromise. 

 

Conflict Resolution Process

Here are some practical guidelines to help you work through potentially difficult relationship conversations:

1. Be respectful- The words we speak only comprise a percentage of what’s communicated. Pay attention to both the verbal and nonverbal messages you are sending.  Details like how you sit, your tone of voice, and the words you choose should communicate to your partner how much you value them.  This will also demonstrate your commitment to the relationship.
   1. Yelling- The volume of your voice will not change your partner’s mind. A gentle tone might diffuse the situation and allow for open dialogue.  Conversely, yelling could anger one or both of you and discourage your partner from further communication.
   2. Positives- Try to focus on each other’s strengths and positive attributes. Discuss how you’ve overcome past obstacles without going into detail.  Knowing you’ve already worked through past challenges will help you stay realistic as you face this conflict.
   3. Affirm- Start and end by affirming your love. While your partner may know you love them, expressing it again communicates that you value their thoughts and feelings.  It might even help calm the situation.
2. Use active listening- Do your best to understand the thoughts and feelings behind your partner’s words and body language. This is called active, or empathic listening.  Put yourself in your partner’s shoes to experience what they are saying and feeling.  You should be able to explain back to them how you understand their take on the situation. 
   1. Ownership- Consider that you also might have made a mistake. If you are willing to explore how your actions made your partner feel, you’re more likely to make positive changes.  In turn, your partner’s likelihood to consider his or her role in the problem increases. 
   2. Cool down- If you’re extremely angry, you might need some time to cool down before you can truly hear what your partner is saying. Take a step back and a quick time-out before resuming conversation.  This will help keep emotions under control. 
3. Share your side- Explain your feelings, needs, and understanding of the situation. Be as brief and factual as possible without shaming your partner.  Share your emotional response to the situation.  Offer your suggestion for how to resolve the conflict.
   1. Trigger words- Avoid generalizations, exaggerations, and words like “always” and “never.” Give clear, specific examples instead of sweeping statements like, “You never do this,” or “You always do that.”
   2. Emotional abuse- Name-calling and other insults may feel good in the moment, but you will regret this behavior. Emotional abuse is not worth it.

Learning to work through conflict in a relationship might not happen overnight.  Be patient, as constructing a solution takes time and practice.  However, the more you’re able to hear each other and control your emotional reactivity, the greater the energy you’ll have to work on the relationship and create a viable solution. 

 

Want to talk to a counselor today about this? 

Call Amplified Life at 800-453-7733 and ask for your “Free 15 Minute Phone Consultation" with one of our licensed counselors. We’ll listen, answer questions you may have, and help you plan next steps.

 

Sources:

http://oscr.umich.edu/article/tips-and-tools-constructive-conflict-resolution

http://www.ces.ncsu.edu/depts/fcs/pdfs/fcs-466-4.pdf

 

 

 

 

 

 

Successful Stepfamilies

With many marriages ending in divorce, stepfamilies are becoming even more commonplace. Though your may find your family growing in number, cultivating a successful stepfamily takes time, compromise, and motivation. 

Stepfamilies Defined

Traditionally, a stepfamily has been defined as a family where a parent has at least one child not biologically (or legally, in terms of adoption) related to the other parent.  This child may live with one biological parent and visits the other biological parent, or he or she may equally split time between both original parents. Other times a child has a lost a parent and the living parent will remarry.

 

There are many variations of stepfamilies.  Whereas the term stepfamily once referred only to married couples, cohabitating relationships where one or both parents had existing children are now recognized as stepfamilies.  Grown children, in the case of parental death, will often refer to their parent’s new spouse as a stepparent, even though they never lived under the same roof.

Blended families are also a form of stepfamily.  This is where both partners come into the marriage or relationship with existing children.  Blended families have many of the same challenges as other stepfamilies as well as unique ones.

Transition Process

As a stepfamily or blended family is beginning the process of transition, there are often some growing pains along the way.  Adapting to new routines requires compromise for everyone.  Emotions usually run high; guilt over a divorce, anger about sacrifices made, worry about the stepfamily transition, and jealousy between stepsiblings are fairly common responses. 

 

Stepparents may struggle in the transition process to figure out their new roles.  Questions over discipline, rule-setting, and household responsibilities are priorities to address.  These may cause insecurity and uncertainty in the new stepparent.  Parents also worry about perceived favoritism between biological and stepchildren. 

Similarly, kids face transitional unrest.  Children may feel caught between both biological parents, not wanting to upset either one.  In addition, your child will need to learn how to “share” you with your new spouse.  Sharing may also extend to their home and belongings if your new spouse or partner moved into your home.

Struggling Stepfamily Signs

With all these changes, stress is at an elevated rate.  Here are some key warning signs of a stepfamily struggling with change:

• Behavior- A child may show unexpected anger or behavioral aggression toward another family member. Children may cry more than usual and isolate themselves from other family members and friends. 
• Activity challenges- Families sometimes face difficulty finding a shared activity they all can enjoy. Heightened emotions and constant conflict make shared family time challenging.
• Discipline- The stepparent has difficulty disciplining a stepchild and/or disagrees with current discipline methods. This can cause conflict within the marriage. 

Strategies for Successful Stepfamilies

Tension and family distress do not have to be the norm for beginning stepfamilies.  The following suggestions are designed to improve unity within the family:

 

For Everyone:

• Consider- Give everyone a say. Parents may have the final word, but considering everyone’s thoughts and feelings may help eliminate irrational fears about the stepfamily transition.
• Process- Transition takes time. Attempting to rush the process to adapt will only cause more stress.  Respect the process, as trusting relationships between stepparents, children, and stepsiblings take time to develop. 

For Parents:

• Respect- Be cautious not to speak poorly about your ex in front of your children. Shaming your former spouse or using your children as messengers is not a good policy.  Never ask your child to spy on your ex and his/her new partner or speak negatively about them.  This places your child in an unfair and unfortunate situation, so be respectful to both your child and ex. 
• Make Time- Carve out time with your children to participate in their favorite activities. Let them speak honestly about their fears and concerns with the new family.  Reassure them you will always love them.
• Don’t Assume- Even grown children who are independent adults may struggle with knowing their place in a new stepfamily situation. Listen to their concerns and encourage them to play a positive role in the new family. 

For Stepparents:

• Space- Every child needs some amount of privacy. Rather than feel shut off from the child, respect the space they need to function better.
• Don’t Personalize- Stepchildren may not warm up to you immediately. Try not to take things personally, as their reactions may be more about the process itself than you as an individual. 

For Stepfamilies with a New Baby:

• Explain- Talk to your children about the possibility of a new baby. Explain how things might change.  Give opportunities for them to express fears or concerns about the new baby. 
• Teamwork- Allow the children to help with the new baby. Feeling included helps alleviate feelings of being overlooked and forgotten. 

While the challenges are very real for today’s stepfamilies, so are the rewards.  If your stepfamily is still experiencing growing pains in the adjustment process, ask for help.  Family therapy is an excellent tool for working through everyone’s emotions in the transition.  For additional help, check out the National Stepfamily Resource Center at www.stepfamilies.info. 

 

Want to talk to a counselor today about this? 

Call Amplified Life at 800-453-7733 and ask for your “Free 15 Minute Phone Consultation" with one of our licensed counselors. We’ll listen, answer questions you may have, and help you plan next steps.

Sources

http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-living/childrens-health/in-depth/stepfamilies/art-20047046

http://stepfamilies.info

Maintaining Healthy Couple Relationships

Relationships affect our lives on a daily basis, and they all require effort to stay healthy. While starting a romantic relationship can be hard, building one for the long-term can be an even bigger challenge.  Events inside and outside of the relationship make it necessary for both individuals to adapt and grow, while also respecting, caring for, and compromising with the other person.

 

Unhealthy Couple Relationships

One way to identify what is healthy is by examining what is not.  The following symptoms indicate a relationship that is not working and unhealthy:

• Lack of appreciation- Assuming your partner will do things for you is one way of taking them for granted. This demonstrates ingratitude or a lack of insight into the balance of the relationship. 
• Lack of trust- Reading your partner’s emails or text messages, listening to voicemails, and not letting your partner go out with friends communicates a level of distrust.
• Blame game- When you constantly blame your partner for trouble in the relationship and don’t accept responsibility for anything, then it will be difficult to maintain the relationship.
• Poor communication- Assuming your partner can read your mind is a sure sign of poor communication. If you avoid difficult conversations because you are afraid of your partner’s response, there is a clear lack of communication skills. 
• Lack of balance- When we over function we constantly do things for our partner that they can do for themselves. Under functioning happens when we ask our partner to do tasks or assume responsibilities that should be our own. 
• Isolation from others- Healthy friendships and family relationships are necessary. When your partner is your only source of support, the relationship can quickly become strained, tense, and unhealthy.
• Codependence- When you are no longer able to think for yourself or function without your partner, you have crossed the line into codependence. In this type of relationship, a person cannot define his or her self in any way other than the relationship, as they lack their own goals, opinions, and outside support.

 

Healthy Couple Strategies

By clearly identifying what is unhealthy we are able to see what works better.  Consider these strategies to maintain a healthy, romantic relationship that stands the test of time: 

• Embrace change- Your relationship will undoubtedly evolve with life events, unexpected transitions, and family changes. Consider change as an opportunity to make your relationship stronger rather than a cause for it to crumble. 
• Have check-ins- Talk with your partner about his or her expectations for the relationship and his or her personal goals. Checking-in with one another through regular, daily dialogue establishes a good routine, rather than just crisis management.  Making time together is key, and without good scheduling, responsibilities will crowd out time together. 
• Know the family- Families are unique and so are their ways of coping with stress and anxiety. While your family might tend to be emotionally distant, your partner’s family might like to engage in conflict and confrontation.  Consider what coping style you and your partner inherited from your families.  Then, look for ways to work together to resolve conflict. 
• Pick the right time- Dealing with a problem in the heat of the moment may not be the best time to hear one another. Take a few minutes to cool off and gather your thoughts, as this opportunity allows you to listen to your partner’s perspective.  Also remember, a conflict is typically not the time to bring up previous unresolved issues.  Attempting to solve multiple items typically leads to greater stress and fewer results.
• Be responsible- Everyone has needs and wants in a relationship, but it’s important to remember some expectations may be unrealistic or unfair for your partner to meet. Consider what things you are able to do for yourself and be responsible with them. 
• Listen and speak up- Are you so focused on trying to win an argument that you are unable to hear what your partner is saying? When you show respect for the other’s opinions, they are more likely to listen to you.  Also, your partner won’t know what you desire in the relationship unless you verbalize it.  Many times we become angry because we unfairly expect our partners to fulfill our needs, even though we have never shared them. 
• Accept differences- There are things about your partner that may never change, and the same is true for you. When you learn to accept this, you can begin to work together to change what you would like to be different.
• Respect rights- You and your partner both have the right to enjoy your respective interests, friends, feelings, personal goals, and opinions. When you have outside things that inspire and bring joy, you will both enjoy the relationship more.

Even in this day and age, building a relationship that lasts is possible.  Small acts of kindness such as physical or verbal gestures really do make a difference.  With some thought and patience, you will find that simple strategies build a strong foundation for your relationship. 

 

Want to talk to a counselor today about this? 

Call Amplified Life at 800-453-7733 and ask for your “Free 15 Minute Phone Consultation" with one of our licensed counselors. We’ll listen, answer questions you may have, and help you plan next steps.

 

Source:

http://cmhc.utexas.edu/healthyrelationships.html

http://www.uwhealth.org/news/tips-for-maintaining-healthy-relationships/40280

 

Improving Family Relations

Every family is its own unique combination of people and personalities.  Even though they come in all shapes and sizes, healthy families have some commonalities.  A healthy family is comprised of people who love each other and are able to respect each other’s similarities and differences.  Healthy families also know how to compromise, and they are fiercely resilient; they bounce back after crisis and periods of prolonged stress.

Negative Coping Strategies

Obviously, not all families have healthy relationships.  Some members incorporate negative strategies for coping with stress.  Some examples are distancing, overdoing/underdoing, focusing on a child, or jumping into conflict.  These negative ways of managing stress harm the family dynamic:

 

Distancing- This unhealthy strategy occurs when family members avoid conversations together because they are concerned about potential conflict.  They stop sharing their thoughts and feelings and fail to spend real time together.

 

Overdoing/underdoing- With this negative coping method, one or more family members begin to assume the responsibilities of others.  When this happens, the remaining members decrease their efforts.  Family members can easily become stuck in this imbalance of responsibility.

 

Focusing on a child- To avoid conflict, some families will simply focus on a child instead.  When severe stress or fighting begins, children are usually the most vulnerable in the household.  Therefore, parents will focus their attention solely on that child to calm things down.  Their intentions might be good, but often the child reacts to this intense pressure and increased attention.  These children will typically begin to act out or develop physical or emotional symptoms.

 

Conflict- A final negative coping mechanism is conflict itself.  Some families will start an all-out war when they’re stressed, engaging in yelling and emotional abuse.  The smallest disagreement could set someone off, creating a hostile environment. 

 

Tips to Improve Family Relations

There are many positive ways to manage stress and handle conflict.  The following strategies for communication skills, relational values, and personal and family responsibilities provide simple solutions for improving family dynamics:

 

Communication Skills

• Communicate openly- Unlike the negative strategy of distancing, family members feel comfortable asking for help if needed. They’re able to speak up when they disagree.  If they see a different solution to a problem, they voice it.  Because conflict is unavoidable in a family, open communication is essential.
• Think before you speak- Responsible family members think first and then speak. Too often we automatically react to a situation based purely on emotion.  If we are able to create some space and consider the other’s perspective and thoughts, we can focus on responding instead of reacting.  Problem solving and compromise are much easier when they come from a non-reactive place. 

Relational Values

• Explore values- Family members won’t agree on everything. There will be preferences for different hobbies, tastes, or even political or religious views. However, there are common values that family members may choose to share and uphold.  For example, a shared value might be showing mutual respect for all family members.  Another might be to demonstrate appreciation for one another with acts of kindness.  Shared values become the mortar for a strong family foundation.
• Develop one-to-one relationships- In a healthy family unit, every individual has a solid relationship with every other person. No one teams up, complains, or gossips in a family member’s absence.

Personal and Family Responsibilities

• Take personal responsibility- Schedules today are often very full. Families can easily fall out of sync and become unclear about who is doing what.  Certain family members may take on more than what is required of them.  Others might be all too willing to allow that to occur, so they can have fewer responsibilities.  Conflict arises when one assumes another will handle a situation, and they don’t.  In a healthy family, individuals own their personal responsibilities and accept any consequences for failing to do so.  Family members encourage one another and hold each other accountable.
• Ask for help- Stress happens to every family. A strong, healthy family focuses on the positive in challenging times. Family members are able to pull together, share responsibilities, and problem solve.  If the family needs additional help, strong families don’t hesitate to ask for it.  Friends, neighbors, religious communities, or helping professionals all serve as excellent resources for families. 

The success of a healthy family largely comes down to being together.  When you make time for one another, you communicate that you care with more than just your words.  Make time to have fun and celebrate each other’s victories.  Listen to one another’s stories, thoughts, and feelings.  Make memories and laugh together.  When working toward the common goal of a healthy family, everyone has a shared interest in success. 

 

Want to talk to a counselor today about this? 

Call Amplified Life at 800-453-7733 and ask for your “Free 15 Minute Phone Consultation" with one of our licensed counselors. We’ll listen, answer questions you may have, and help you plan next steps.

 

Sources:

http://www.advocatesforyouth.org/publications/1229-strengthening-family-relationships

http://www.childwelfare.gov