sexual abuse

Leaving an Abusive Relationship

Domestic abuse is defined as a pattern of behaviors used by one partner to maintain power and control over another partner in an intimate relationship. Every abusive relationship is different, but there is one commonality: the abusive partner does many things to establish and maintain power and control over their partner.

Domestic abuse can include physical and sexual violence, threats and intimidation, emotional abuse, and economic deprivation. A relationship does not need to be violent to be abusive, but the danger of being seriously injured or killed greatly increases within relationships that include physical and sexual violence.

People who are in an abusive relationship may feel confused, afraid, angry, or trapped. All of these emotions are normal responses to abuse. If you are in an abusive relationship, you may also blame yourself for what is happening, but the truth is that you are never responsible for your partner’s abusive behaviors.

Despite promises and pleas from the abusive partner, change rarely occurs. Rather, the intensity and frequency of the abuse often increases and escalates over time.

How to Get out of an Abusive Relationship

Abusive partners often do and say things to shift the blame onto the victim or even deny that the abuse ever took place. There are many other reasons people stay in abusive relationships and leaving can often be very complicated.

Leaving can also be the most dangerous time for a victim of abuse. Because abuse is about power and control, leaving the relationship is the victim taking control and the abusive partner’s power is threatened. This could cause the abusive partner to retaliate in destructive ways.

If you are in an abusive relationship, there is help available to you. There are local, state, and national organizations dedicated to helping you leave, be in a safe space, and gain control of your life and wellbeing. These organizations can help you create a safety plan.

A safety plan will map out preparing to leave, when you leave, and after you leave. It will plan ways to cope with emotions, tell friends and family about the abuse, take legal action, and more. Having a safety plan laid out in advance can help you protect yourself in stressful moments.

Preparing to Leave

As mentioned above, leaving an abusive relationship can escalate the abuse. It is important to take certain actions as you are preparing to leave:

• Keep evidence of physical abuse (pictures of injuries)
• In a safe place, keep a journal of all violent incidences (noting dates), and of events and threats made, if possible
• Know where you can get help. Tell someone what is happening to you
• If you are injured, seek medical help and ask that your visit is documented
• Plan with your children and identify a safe place for them
• Contact your local shelter and find out about laws and other resources available to you before you have to use them during a crisis
• Try to set money aside or ask family or friends to hold money for you

Leaving an Abusive Relationship

As you create your safety plan, you can make a plan for how and where you will escape quickly. You may ask for a police escort or stand-by when you leave. If you have to leave in a hurry, try to take as many of the following items as possible:

• Driver’s license/identification/passports
• Birth certificate and children’s birth certificates
• Social security cards
• Checking/savings account books, money, financial information
• Legal protective order (if you have one in place)
• Copies of lease/rental agreements or deed to your home
• Car registration and insurance papers
• Health and life insurance papers
• Medical records for you and your children
• Medications
• Valuable jewelry
• Pictures/sentimental items

After you Leave

There are precautions to take after you leave to keep you and your family safe. Below are some examples, though you may want to collaborate with domestic abuse organizations that can help you  create a detailed safety plan specific to your situation.

• Call law enforcement to enforce the protective order and give copies of the restraining order to employers, neighbors, and school officials along with a picture of the offender
• Get caller ID and screen your calls, maintain a different daily routine, go to work different hours and take a different route
• Change the route in taking your children to and from school, or consider changing their schools
• Use different stores and reschedule appointments the offender may be aware of
• Install security systems if possible, and replace wooden doors with steel or metal doors

Though leaving an abusive relationship can be complicated and require many changes in your life, there is help available to you for every step along the way.

 

Want to talk to a counselor today about this? 

Call us at 800-453-7733 and ask for your “Free 15 Minute Phone Consultation" with one of our licensed counselors. We’ll listen, answer questions you may have, and help you plan next steps.

 

Sources:

https://www.thehotline.org/help/

https://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/domestic-violence-and-abuse.htm

 

Adult Survivors of Sexual Abuse

Being sexually abused as a child can have lasting effects on an individual. Sexual abuse can take many forms: exposure, spying without permission, genital contact, penetration, sexual jokes, exploitation, pornography, and other types of interaction are some examples. Often, the abuse is done by a person who the child already knows or trusts. The effects of the abuse as an adult will depend on a variety of factors, and the good news is that support is available and healing is possible.

Understanding Trauma

Some common symptoms of trauma include:

• Changes in sleep, appetite, or energy levels
• Health issues, including pain, headaches, stomachaches, and others
• Trouble concentrating
• Self-blame, shame, guilt
• Increased fear and hypervigilance
• Dissociation, feeling disconnected or numb
• Flashbacks
• Anger or thoughts of revenge
• Depression, despair, hopelessness
• Suicidal ideation
• Decreased trust and increased relationship problems

Experiencing a trauma is often a life-changing event. Some individuals will develop Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and many will experience symptoms that change their lifestyle. Trauma changes the perception of the world and people in it. Exactly how a trauma will influence an individual is hard to tell, but research has shown that these factors can provide information:

• Frequency of the event – In general, the more often an individual experienced the traumatic event, the more severe the impact can be.
• Relationship with the perpetrator – Having a close relationship with the person prior to the abuse can have a more severe impact, especially if the perpetrator was a family member.
• Intensity of the event – As the intensity of the abuse increases, so too can the effect on the individual.
• Age at time of the event – The younger an individual was, the more likely it is that abuse can have a more serious impact.
• Level of support to individual – The more support an individual has prior to, during, or after the event the more likely for healing and the easier it can be for the individual to recover.
• Beliefs of the individual – Different life perspectives and beliefs can dramatically influence a person’s experience and opinion on the trauma and recovery.

It is important to remember that while some of these patterns have been observed, an individual who has been sexually abused has had their rights violated. Even once instance of inappropriate sexual contact can be traumatic and have an influence on life choices.  

Specific Issues

Those who experienced sexual abuse as children may grow up to have a higher chance of developing the following concerns:

• Depression
• Negative self-image
• Pervasive guilt, shame, or self-blame
• Body image issues, Eating Disorders
• Chronic health concerns, pain, somatic complaints
• Avoiding routine healthcare and dental checkups
• Stress and Anxiety
• Trouble developing relationships, including:
  • Fear of intimacy
  • Difficulty establishing boundaries
  • Getting into abusive relationships
• Sexual difficulties, including but not limited to:
  • Avoiding sex
  • Lack of interest in sex
  • Approaching sex as an obligation
  • Difficulty becoming aroused or experiencing orgasm
  • Pain during sex
  • Feeling distant during sex
  • Utilizing compulsive or inappropriate sexual behaviors

Healing

Finding relief from trauma symptoms is possible. One of the biggest hurdles that adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse face is overcoming the stigma and shame of telling someone of the past abuse. Men especially may find it difficult to share that they were sexually abused. For most, it is easier to avoid the thoughts, feelings, and any reminders of the abuse. All of this can prevent any progress of healing, as isolation, fear, and dysfunctional behaviors can take over.

This first obstacle can be defeated when a person finds a safe relationship in which to confide. This might be a friend, counselor, or staff member at a Sexual Abuse Crisis Center. Many times, people are encouraged to share about their past after hearing a similar story that provides hope and encouragement. Having the proper support can make a tremendous difference in the process of healing.

Trauma informed care is one approach to healing, and can be applied in a variety of ways. It includes being educated about trauma and the effects it has on an individual.  It also proposes concepts such as safety, trust, choice, community, empowerment, and a cultural perspective. These concepts, in addition to supportive relationships, help the individual to regain an understanding of how sexual abuse as a child influenced any previous patterns of coping, and how they can regain the ability to take their life in a direction of their choice. Trauma informed care is often provided in counseling/therapy or through interactions with support groups at Crisis Centers or other service agencies. Care should always be provided by a trained individual.

Some components of healing include:

• Building skills to help manage symptoms of trauma as well as how to engage in healthy relationships.
• Educating about trauma.
• Encouraging communication of internal experiences such as feelings, thoughts, and any flashbacks or other concerns. Most survivors have spent years keeping these silent, so encouraging communication in appropriate settings is beneficial and helps teach how to utilize emotions in a productive way.
• Strategizing for various circumstances, such as going on a date, attending family reunions, going to the doctor for a physical, or any other event that proves to be problematic.
• Engaging in non-verbal therapies such as yoga, running, gardening, working with animals, art, or other formats. These methods help individuals to regain a sense of connection to their physical experiences in a positive way and can provide excellent adjuncts to other forms of healing.

How to Seek and Offer Support

If you are looking for support, you can do an online search for local agencies that provide counseling and other services for adult survivors of sexual abuse. Organizations like the YMCA and YWCA could be a good place to start, and often offer childcare services. You can also check with your insurance for mental health benefits, or look up local agencies that provide mental health services at a decreased cost, as long as you qualify.

If you are the loved one of a survivor, you can participate in the healing process in multiple ways. Firstly, you can educate yourself about trauma and begin to have conversations that encourage understanding and developing options for how you can offer the proper support needed. Building trust, choice, and long-term connection can help the individual overcome different social problems. If you are the partner of a survivor, these skills can eventually help to resolve any sexual concerns, too.  

 

Want to talk to a counselor today about this? 

Call us at 800-453-7733 and ask for your “Free 15 Minute Phone Consultation" with one of our licensed counselors. We’ll listen, answer questions you may have, and help you plan next steps.

 

Sources

• http://www.nsvrc.org/sites/default/files/Publications_RSP_Action-engagement-remembering-services-for-adult-survivors-child-sexual-abuse.pdf
• https://www.rainn.org/articles/adult-survivors-child-sexual-abuse
• https://www.counseling.org/docs/disaster-and-trauma_sexual-abuse/long-term-effects-of-childhood-sexual-abuse.pdf?sfvrsn=2